I might have made a new discovery! Another chatty day
Last night was quite confusing for me, I think for the first time I tried to reach out to my inner child. a dismissive comment from my brother (kinda petty honestly) triggered an EF, and an unsure assumption on my dad not wanting to eat what I had made for dinner kind of pushed me over the edge. I ended up not wanting to eat and going upstairs to cry. but I started pacing and I thought "hey maybe this is my inner child feeling intense and alone and rejected, maybe I can say something to her" so I gave it a try and apologized. I realized a lot of my emotional suppression in recent years might have felt the same as how my FOO treated me as a child. so I ended up rejecting my IC. I don't know if I got to her but I did apologize, which made me cry even harder, and I acknowledge that I was doing to her what our (my?) FOO did to me. I felt I wanted to listen if she wanted to talk. I kind of rubbed my right thumb over the back of my left hand, to calm myself a little bit and it seemed to work.
A while later, I tried to write some questions and statements that I was there for her and tried to write any response with my left hand (a technique Kizzie talked about here: Neat Tool for IC Work), and I felt really intensely sad at "Hello. May I talk with you?" I wrote "I don't know. I don't feel comfortable" and I asked why and I (she?) wrote "Don't leave." I wonder if I was starting to lose focus afterwards or just get tired (I'd been up since 5:45am and it was almost midnight at this time) but the only other response I got was "clear sky," to "What do you need from me at this time?" but it was more so an image in my mind? I felt and saw a lot of images to other questions but nothing was written down. It was mostly colors (paint? did she want to paint! I did offer to say we could sit and paint and watch a movie, but that didn't happen ) and images of the sky (sunsets, which I love) and clouds moving across rapidly.
Eventually after sitting with my eyes closed for a while, I headed to bed. I'm very new to understanding all of this, but I felt bad for going to sleep. I didn't feel any intense sadness (none at all), but still. I hope she feels rested and knows that I want to do more work reaching out and connecting.
Also! This morning when I woke up a few hours ago (so early still) I did some more research on the 4F types and made some notes about which type/s I might be.
Freeze Type thoughts
Fawn Type thoughts
Quoted from Pete Walker's site:
This resonated so much with me! made me understand why I have once already rejected Pansy and MG's offer to let me move in with them away from this toxic home! And why I have not already said "Yes!" the second time they asked me (last month) Though I am still sitting on it. I feel a part of me will impulsively say yes but regret it because my FOO currently depends on me financially too. Ah.. but still! Some interesting new news Going to spend this weekend looking into how I use the 4F responses.
Last night was quite confusing for me, I think for the first time I tried to reach out to my inner child. a dismissive comment from my brother (kinda petty honestly) triggered an EF, and an unsure assumption on my dad not wanting to eat what I had made for dinner kind of pushed me over the edge. I ended up not wanting to eat and going upstairs to cry. but I started pacing and I thought "hey maybe this is my inner child feeling intense and alone and rejected, maybe I can say something to her" so I gave it a try and apologized. I realized a lot of my emotional suppression in recent years might have felt the same as how my FOO treated me as a child. so I ended up rejecting my IC. I don't know if I got to her but I did apologize, which made me cry even harder, and I acknowledge that I was doing to her what our (my?) FOO did to me. I felt I wanted to listen if she wanted to talk. I kind of rubbed my right thumb over the back of my left hand, to calm myself a little bit and it seemed to work.
A while later, I tried to write some questions and statements that I was there for her and tried to write any response with my left hand (a technique Kizzie talked about here: Neat Tool for IC Work), and I felt really intensely sad at "Hello. May I talk with you?" I wrote "I don't know. I don't feel comfortable" and I asked why and I (she?) wrote "Don't leave." I wonder if I was starting to lose focus afterwards or just get tired (I'd been up since 5:45am and it was almost midnight at this time) but the only other response I got was "clear sky," to "What do you need from me at this time?" but it was more so an image in my mind? I felt and saw a lot of images to other questions but nothing was written down. It was mostly colors (paint? did she want to paint! I did offer to say we could sit and paint and watch a movie, but that didn't happen ) and images of the sky (sunsets, which I love) and clouds moving across rapidly.
Eventually after sitting with my eyes closed for a while, I headed to bed. I'm very new to understanding all of this, but I felt bad for going to sleep. I didn't feel any intense sadness (none at all), but still. I hope she feels rested and knows that I want to do more work reaching out and connecting.
Also! This morning when I woke up a few hours ago (so early still) I did some more research on the 4F types and made some notes about which type/s I might be.
Freeze Type thoughts
- I resonated a lot with the freeze type. very unaware of inner critic projecting onto others (friends especially, but FOO too).
- seems like justification to isolae myself as I can "predict" or assume others will do what I projected onto them
- a sort of "let me isolate myself before they do that to me, because I know they will, they don't ask me what I need and aren't around all the time" method. I did mention this the other day, and that I'd like to stop isolating myself out of fear of abandonment by friends. never realized that was my inner critic
- perhaps am closer to finding out whether I really do dissociate. (will save this for a day and entry where I can solely focus on this alone)
Fawn Type thoughts
- without doubt resonated with fawn type. I'm not even going to question! definitely me
- no wonder I have been feeling no sense of self lately. I think I already started grieving that loss without realizing (or perhaps inner child).
- I'm totally not very assertive, I'd rather listen and do what people I care for would like than request for something I need. all my relationships, while I feel I talk about myself a lot, I am thinking of others. what could I paint this friend? should I do this for that friend even though I don't need to? I hope they're doing OK. maybe I should paint them something to make them feel better. these two are talking but So and So got interrupted so I'll speak with them first. (though I'm prone to being interrupted a lot and I don't say anything)
- I think I still fawn over dad and brother. needing to be the jokester with brother who always needed something bright in his live (over childhood, it seems I was trying to become that person despite our age gap of 5 years (he is older)).
- and needing to be nice or the Sweet Daughter with dad (to make sure no danger/hint of anger). I've always been Dear Daughter, even these days despite the very low interaction we have.
- looking back, I feel I was such a servant to these two all my life that I truly did forget myself.
- I even still feel selfish and ashamed for thinking I should be more assertive and think about the things I need and want
Quoted from Pete Walker's site:
Quote...and the fawn-freeze type who numbingly surrenders herself to scapegoating or to a narcissist's need to have a target for his rageaholic releases (the "classic" domestic violence victim)
This resonated so much with me! made me understand why I have once already rejected Pansy and MG's offer to let me move in with them away from this toxic home! And why I have not already said "Yes!" the second time they asked me (last month) Though I am still sitting on it. I feel a part of me will impulsively say yes but regret it because my FOO currently depends on me financially too. Ah.. but still! Some interesting new news Going to spend this weekend looking into how I use the 4F responses.