Not feeling so well

[Three Roses]

My therapist appointment is coming up soon, this coming Wednesday. I know I'm dissociating. I feel fuzzy and see-thru, like I'm fading away.

I want to cancel this appointment so badly, and just go on living the way I have for almost 60 years. I don't want to talk about it, or feel it.

I know that's just more avoidance. I'll feel better once it starts, and the fear of telling my story subsides.

Thanks for listening.

[Sandstone]

Its like the analogy of going through the pain of dental treatment to get to the root of the toothache (Scary I know) You can do it,  we will be here for you all the way         

[Three Roses]

Thanks! I'll need you all, I think, haha.

This was interesting - http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-brain-in-defense-mode-how-dissociation-helps-us-survive-0429155

[Dee]

Recently, I went to group therapy for the first time.  I was told to make like a robot and let my mind follow.  At first I committed to driving to the building.  Then I thought I would go in and look around.  Then I thought I would just find the door....

It turned out okay and wasn't near as scary as I thought.  I had a misconception about it that I would not have discovered if I didn't make like a robot.

[movementforthebetter]

I was hugely anxious about looking for a therapist and took months doing it. Then anxious about writing to her. Then about the phone interview. Then about going in person. Then about EMDR and what may happen. Now it's ok. Same with my dental work recently.

You're flexing some major self-care muscles that aren't totally used to it yet  but each step is making you stronger. The fear of the unknown and associated dissociation is probably very common and will probably drop away as you become more comfortable. I really like Dee's approach to it. Baby steps.

I'm here for you, cheering you on! And any therapist worth their salt will validate and commend you for taking steps a lot of people never even contemplate. 

You can do this!

[Dutch Uncle]

Ah yes, the anxiety of  going to meet your therapist and the anxiety of what 'they' will discover... I can relate.
But how awesome you are aware of that anxiety! 

The comforting thought of going on like you have done for the past 60 years. To be able to just do your 'routine', effortless. Yeah, I can relate to that too.
It's an adventure you're stepping into, and as with anything adventurous: there are scary parts that are part of going into the unknown.
You can do this. You have faced and survived much scarier things.
And you have us, holding your back!

[sanmagic7]

we're here for you, 3 roses, hangin' on all the way.  it'll work out.  i've got your hand.

[Dutch Uncle]

This was interesting - http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-brain-in-defense-mode-how-dissociation-helps-us-survive-0429155

Nice find. 

It is important to remember that experiencing more than a regular level or type of dissociation as a result of trauma does not make a person defective. Rather, it shows that he or she has been able to live through and survive extraordinary circumstances that no one would be able to endure without the brain's ability to dissociate.

[ChaosQueen]

Hi Three Roses,
I think it is a great blessing to be able to dissociate. Better than being completely overwhelmed!  Avoidance is sometimes totally justified, I think.

I totally understand that the process of healing is so, so scary.  It is unfamiliar. No wonder you dissociate, Three Roses! The inner child and other wounded parts want nothing to do with the story. Just get away, away!!!

My therapist doesn't let me tell my story or remember the past during sessions, unless I can bring my inner child to a safe place during therapy. The therapy is only between adults. I have to be able to distance myself from the events and not get overwhelmed emotionally, before we do anything.
I'm sure your therapist will also give you some exercises for stabilization. And you can still go on living like you have for the past almost 60 years, if that is what you want. But in therapy you might learn some new skills.

In my therapy, I am learning to take charge of my life as an adult. Then my inner child doesn't have to deal with difficult situations all alone. As adults, we have so much more skills and resources. But of course, it takes time. And the adult is still not fully reliable, when zoning out instead of taking charge. Slowly, I'm learning to participate more in life while protecting my inner child. Then she doesn't have to be so afraid.

Hang in there, Three Roses! You are not alone!

[Three Roses]

I love this community! Thank you all for your responses, it helps to know you guys get it. 

[Sea Fairy]

I have simply decided that I need to turn myself over to professionals and do what I am asked to do. My ability to handle emotions is arrested and in that sense I am like a child. It is helpful to me to think of my therapist as my "good" parent. She is teaching me how to be in the world. I achieved great success in life because I have nearly completely dissociated from my feelings for decades. Now that has proved maladaptive and I have to go back to the beginning and learn the types of emotional skills my grand children have already acquired.... I have committed to muster the same level of courage, love and commitment that I have given to raising my children and creating my businesses to taking care of me. So many days I would like to quit, but the longer I do this the more faith I have in myself and my therapist. She is the first person who has really cared about me, and that is  pretty big deal to me.