looking for relief

CactusFlower · September 15, 2022, 02:09:06 PM

Hugs, san. Even one sentence is progress.

and I agree, it's okay to feel better when the abuser is dead. It *is* a feeling of safety. Although I haven't seen mine in 34 years, he's of an age where if he's not dead yet, it won't be long. And I'm perfectly okay with that. After all, that's not something even he can get out of.

sanmagic7 · September 18, 2022, 04:30:03 PM

PC, the idea of feeling safe is one i had no idea about, so thanks for that. i've chewed on it since i read this, and you're right - it is a safety issue.

dear armee, yeah. terrible but not terrible. thank you for all your support.

CF, thanks for the validation. i didn't realize the issue of safety played a part in this, i've rarely even felt unsafe anywhere or with anyone. this opens a whole 'nother door.

this idea of safety which PC brought up was a new concept for me, but the more i've thought about it, the more i can see, looking back, how frightened i was of him and his rages (altho he never raged at me or the girls), but just being around them, on the road, at home, bowling, playing cards, watching football, etc. was actually a neverending barrage of either feeling unsafe or watching out for the safety issues of others. i remember a friend w/ whom we played cards regularly finally telling me she was thinking of quitting cuz his rages when he played, to his mind, a 'wrong' card made her feel unsafe.

i also felt unsafe knowing what he'd done at night to himself after i went to bed (after he'd gotten into a 12-step program) because i was terrified that i'd wake up to find him dead in the living room in front of the tv. felt unsafe about the idea that my D's (after i moved out) might walk into the house and find him like that. the safety issues didn't stop just cuz i wasn't there. (he eventually told me he couldn't 'perform' for himself anymore so it was no longer an issue to be concerned about. the 'death' of a body part was what finally relieved the fear of that particular scene.

still, in the past 2 years, he's insinuated his way in my life thru my D, and i've had to take over, reiterate he is not to put her in the middle of our affairs. of course, after the first time, he said it wouldn't happen again, but it did just months later. there is no sense of 'other' w/ these people. so, yeah, death is the only thing that will help. as long as he is alive, i know he'll put undue pressure on my D by telling her about his dealings w/ her sister, which upsets my D terribly. he will not acknowledge her issues around that altho it's been years since there's been contact between the 2 of them due to the abuse by D1.

so, for my sake, and the sake of my D, i can see how i will not feel safe until he is gone from this world. such a sad thing to say - i was just overcome by a wave of sadness - but it's true. thanks for pointing this out to me cuz i never would've gotten to it on my own.

Armee · September 18, 2022, 05:02:31 PM

Oh that's very true, San. Those are all very scary scenarios and I would not feel safe either. I'm sorry you went through so much. It would have been terrifying horrifying and I'm just so sad for you, too.

rainydiary · September 19, 2022, 03:19:06 AM

San, your reflections on safety resonate with me.

Hope67 · September 19, 2022, 12:59:36 PM

Dear SanMagic,
I heard your sadness in what you wrote. Sending you a hug of support

Hope

Kizzie · September 19, 2022, 02:28:01 PM

Quoteso, for my sake, and the sake of my D, i can see how i will not feel safe until he is gone from this world. such a sad thing to say - i was just overcome by a wave of sadness - but it's true.

Life is tough but just so much more so as a relational trauma survivor. Very hard to feel this way but it really is your truth.

Papa Coco · September 19, 2022, 04:13:27 PM

Hey San,

I'm happy to hear that you had a breakthrough, and are connecting with the idea that you don't feel safe around him. It's validating that your friends have admitted they didn't feel safe around him either.

I hope that your T sessions are able to move you forward a bit more with this new realization around wanting to feel safe.

I have this deep love for being able to identify the sources of our pain. When we think we are miserable, but can't put the right words to why we are miserable, we have little power to address it. But when we come to see the actual name for what is really causing our pain, we begin to find some control.

My example for how the right words give us the power to fix a problem is: I drive into a garage. I tell the mechanic "The car's not running right." That mechanic cannot help me. But if I use the correct words, I can tell the mechanic, "There's an oxygen sensor that's triggering my check engine light." Now the mechanic has the power to help me. I knew the term, I knew the cause, fixing it is now possible.

When you didn't know why you wished your x was permanently gone, you had less power to move forward in your healing. Knowing it's only for a sense of safety, now gives you and your T something to work with. It might even help you talk with your D.

Having lived an entire life feeling unsafe, I feel your pain pretty clearly. I hope you and your T are able to help evolve your healing path forward a bit more with this new information.

Blueberry · September 19, 2022, 04:25:24 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on September 19, 2022, 02:28:01 PM
Quoteso, for my sake, and the sake of my D, i can see how i will not feel safe until he is gone from this world. such a sad thing to say - i was just overcome by a wave of sadness - but it's true.

Life is tough but just so much more so as a relational trauma survivor. Very hard to feel this way but it really is your truth.

sanmagic7 · September 19, 2022, 07:30:16 PM

first, i must say how much i appreciate the feedback, acceptance, and validation by everyone.

thank you, armee, for such lovely support.

rainy, i'm very sorry you can relate to feeling unsafe. that sucks.

hi, hope. it's good to be heard. thank you.

kizzie, thanks for your support. it is my truth, and not one that i would ever wish for another.

PC, yeah, even tho we live on opposite sides of the country, he can still reach out and get to me, either directly or thru my D. this realization has been awful in one sense, since i didn't really feel or acknowledge fear for most of my life. now it just makes the thought of him that much scarier. as far as talking to my D, she's the one who doesn't want to hear anything neg. about him, so that part of our communication is a no-show. she knows how i feel, tho, and knows that i don't want to hear about him from her, either. too triggering. thanks for your support.

i just wrote that this knowledge now makes him scarier to me, and that's something that came as i wrote it. it's not rational for the most part, but when/if it happens i'm the one who has to make everything right about the situation cuz he actively ignores past messages, requests, or circumstances. my T and i are going to work on him tomorrow cuz this extra bit of fear is now adding to the intrusive thoughts about him, which i cannot, am not able to shake, let go of, or ignore.

many times it's in the morning when i've just awakened, thinking about nothing but just enjoying being snuggled up in bed that they happen, zapping me like bolts of electricity thru my brain. i have to physically get out of bed and become distracted by morning rituals, etc. in order to free myself from him. i sure hope we can diminish some of this, especially w/ this new piece of information and realization and emotion that are battering me now. ugh.

can't write anymore - trigger trigger trigger!

Armee · September 19, 2022, 08:07:02 PM

Oh yeah San. Oof I can feel fear just reading it. It makes sense to me. Perfect sense. Why you would get that in the morning. You don't know what you are going to find, waking up, getting out of bed. And I used to get...still do...those zaps of dissociation or panic seemingly out of nowhere while I lay there feeling safe. No known triggers, but they are there they are triggers and they make sense it's just we are not quite consciously aware of them. The amygdala knows though.

CactusFlower · September 19, 2022, 10:08:46 PM

hugs, San. I hope you can work through this or find something that helps with those morning things.

sanmagic7 · September 21, 2022, 06:46:16 PM

thank you armee, and CF - your care is so appreciated.

i wrote about a lot of this experience in the C-PTSD as adults. since i wrote it, i've been floating, not wanting to touch ground or deal w/ the reality of what this means, the fear, the disgust for myself (i'm trying to push it away) for staying w/ such a disgusting man for 20 years. i'm very afraid of feeling all that fear - it's been one thing to acknowledge it and know the magnitude of it now, but a whole nother thing to feel it on any level. can't do that right now.

i have therapy fri. and want to flash thru it all w/ my T. until then, i want to stay in my own little floaty world with a smile in my heart at the baby tomatoes growing, how well those plants did by surviving the heat. i made green salsa today for the first time in a long time (got some fresh tomatillos from the food bank) and it's delicious.

i don't want to go back to the adult section to acknowledge everyone who gave me such fantastic support - too triggering - but i do want to say it was more than i expected and i'm grateful for such caring people in my universe.

Blueberry · September 21, 2022, 09:02:06 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 21, 2022, 06:46:16 PM
until then, i want to stay in my own little floaty world with a smile in my heart at the baby tomatoes growing, how well those plants did by surviving the heat. i made green salsa today for the first time in a long time (got some fresh tomatillos from the food bank) and it's delicious.

That's putting such a smile on my face. It is so important to allow yourself to be floaty and enjoy looking at your baby tomatoes. Great self-care

Armee · September 22, 2022, 05:30:22 AM

I don't have adequate words right now, but I have lots of hugs. Like you, I wish it could be given in real life but this is also real.

sanmagic7 · September 22, 2022, 02:29:13 PM

thank you, blueberry. that was such a pick-me-up.

armee, i felt it. thank you - i needed that.

just making it from one day to the next. T tomorrow - i'm looking forward to it, hoping to get some of this off me, out of me, from surrounding me, but i'm also nervous as to what toll it might take. my T told me she wanted to get him to be down to the size of a gnat, annoying, possibly, but not dangerous. she was quite concerned about how those images kept multiplying. floaty floaty in a boaty . . .