Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

It seems that no matter which way you turn, there's a Catch-22 waiting to happen.  It may or may not help...buy adult protective may not result in the dynamics you imagine. By now there has been plenty of outside "objective" input from social workers, MD, nurses etc. Drawing a conclusion that you are responsible or complicit with her falling or injuries is improbable. If professionals look back through the paperwork story, they will see her resistance at every turn. While I don't put a lot of faith in protective services per se, they are there to step in when options are limited. If she not cooperating with the way things have been set up, and you only find out by accidents after the fact, then it looks like a different set of eyes and brains might come up with an alternative solution. Maybe not, but is it worth a try?

I can't and won't tell you how to feel. I would encourage you to seek out the most trusted source you've talked to so far to make sure everyone has the latest input and clarify what adult protective services mean for both her and you.

You're doing everything you can do. However you can make it through it is the way it goes.

[rainydiary]

Armee, what a difficult place to be in.  I will be thinking of you as you navigate this experience. 

[Blueberry]

Supportive  to you

Do I revoke the paperwork? If I do, my mom will see it no matter what I say as proof I don't want to help her and won't help her and will push me away and play the victim and I will feel like garbage for not helping my mom in her dying days and will turn the blame on myself for not handling the situation right, delicately enough. I can logically say it's not my fault but emotionally, no. This is all the core trauma in the first place.

I'm really sorry that's the core trauma.

You are NOT garbage if you decide not to help your M in her dying days. You would be doing that to protect yourself, a very valid action. So if you do revoke the paperwork, I for one will be happy to remind you that you are a valuable and caring person who is handling the situation well by getting out of it. ime hearing/reading on here the opposite to what my ICr tells me eventually gets through emotionally at least a little bit. I hope it's that way for you too. 

[Armee]

Such wise words and supportive hugs. Thank you for being wise and caring when I am unable to muster those characteristics myself.

Today the drama started again...around 230. I was getting ready to have my in laws over to celebrate my sister in laws birthday. Right as they got there...i got a call from the neighbors that she fell backward off her front steps and hit her head on the concrete again. Exact same thing sent her to the hospital about 3 weeks ago. Shes not supposed to go down her steps without assistance. Her neighbor had been over to walk her dog. While the neighbor was out with the dog she decided to go down them. She could have asked for help she has half a dozen neighbors who are there all the time asking what she needs. This time she got admitted. I'm not sure yet why. The hospital gave us no info and hospitals here are closed to visitors.

I had to revoke her hospice paperwork so she could go to the hospital and get the scans she needs. When I reinstate it when she gets out (if) I will revoke my legal role as primary caregiver. I will still do the things but until she is deemed incompetent I won't take legal responsibility for this.

She had gotten a lecture from me, her neighbors, and my (golden child) husband about using her lifeline to get help when she falls. She normally has it on 24/7 but lies when it goes off and senses a fall. This time she was not wearing it. Because she is a defiant toddler teen senior mashup.

I am so done with all this chaos and heartache and worry.

[Armee]

Another lesson in impermanence and the idea that things are always changing. I picked M up at the hospital at 1230am. They were going to send her home alone in an ambulance because it was late. I can't even believe that. Cause she was drastically weaker than when I saw her a few days ago to the point she couldn't walk 10 feet and accepted me getting the wheelchair from the garage hospice had given her against her will to push her through her small house. She needed me to take off and put on her depends.

This the same woman who a couple weeks ago practically shoved away any offer for even normal human offers of assistance. It's clear that 24/7 care is no longer a question for her to debate. I need to reinstate hospice tomorrow since she had to be off to go to the hospital and will be arranging private aides. I'm spending the night in her house tonight but I got kids... I can't be her live in aide.

Also at the hospital when they did scans for the fall they found the cancer has spread to lungs and elsewhere. 

[Alter-eg0]

Man, that sounds really stressfull Armee.

I hope you're taking care of yourself, too!
Take care

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry about the situation you're in, armee.  by the sound of it, you did  help your M out in her dying days.  i hope that can help dissipate the guilt you might have been feeling.  to my mind, you are doing exactly what was needed by and for her, you did it with a generous, caring heart, and for whatever reason she allowed you to do so.  these emotional lfip-flops of hers are tough to gauge, but you have continued to offer help no matter what.  that is not the sign of a garbage daughter.

even if it finally gets to be too much for you, and you have to separate yourself from you M (which sounds to me like self-care) everything you keep doing or trying to do shows that you have been a loving daughter.  please know that.  it's very evident to me, and to others here.   sending love and a hug filled with courage and strength.

[Dante]

It sounds like many of us are trapped in the role of caregivers for M.  I can relate, have some very similar family dynamics.  It's hard to want to help someone who has so mistreated us.  I try to look at it as providing basic human compassion, instead of thinking about who it's for.  That helps me a little, but doesn't make the stresses of taking care of someone who fights me every step of the way any easier.  Hope you are able to take care of you!

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, 

You are handling this all with grace and compassion.

but I got kids... I can't be her live in aide

Yes. Keep navigating and staying afloat, walking that tight rope. You tenacity in the face of difficulty is outstanding.

[Armee]

Thanks for all the support you've all kept me afloat by giving me a place to express the feelings and reactions many don't understand outside of this forum. And your kind affirming and understanding words make me feel cared for and seen in a way I can take in what you all say and believe it.

Her 1-3 month timeline is now 1-3 days
(or less) and the decline was shocking.

I felt enormous relief once everything that needed to be set up was set up and taken care of. Once she stopped fighting reality. I now have 24/7 aides, a hospital bed, oxygen and everything else she fought until the past 2 days.

Despite everything I am actually able to sit here and care for her tenderly since she is allowing it. I worry that writing that may be triggering for some. And if it is I'm sending you a big old hug that it is ok to not do that, too.

But what I think is important is that I can see it wasn't me pulling away or being mean or bad. It was me being pushed away. I would have been here. I can't really think I am mean and bad I don't think. We will see if it flares back up but I may have an easier time accepting I am not those things.

I've also seen that over the past 2 days what makes me cry (I normally don't cry at all except from shame)...is when someone expresses care toward me...emotional support. It makes me cry and breaks my heart. I mean, in a good ways but it's almost painful to feel that.

I think this will change once she passes but...hmm forgot what i was wanting to say.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I am thinking of you during this time. 

[sanmagic7]

ditto what rainy said.

i've often had the same reaction when given care, gentle words, and/or support.  good tears, but it can also be somewhat painful at times.  i think since that kind of caring has been so absent for so long, it's almost difficult to accept it.  but, i'm glad you're getting it, glad you're feeling it, even if it makes you cry.  i think more of that is the ticket.  i know it's getting easier for me to accept these things from people here and from my D now, but it's taken some time.  practice makes perfect, right?

my heart is with you in these final days, armee.  there is a big difference between not being there for someone out of meanness and not being there cuz you've been pushed away.  wonderful realization.  love and a hug filled with caring as you go thru this.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

You're really come so far in the last months. You've let yourself be guided by your intuition and feel differently that you expected.

I now have 24/7 aides, a hospital bed, oxygen and everything else she fought until the past 2 days.

Sending calm, peaceful, gentle thoughts your way.

[Armee]

I'm slowly starting to catch up on people's journals and wish I could have provided more support to everyone the past few days.

My mom passed away yesterday morning. It was very very fast. It was in her home where she wanted. It was ridiculously hard work. The day I brought her home from the hospital she went from walking and living independently to needing to be in a wheelchair with full assistance getting into and out of the chair, to the next day being bed ridden in diapers and unable to swallow, and the following day being in the active dying process.

I have a lot to process around what happened but there was no attempt at closure by her. I gave her some closure but never received even though she had plenty of warning and time to do it.

I am now free, and free to mourn and be angry about the previous 4 decades. 

[sanmagic7]

my dear armee,

my heart is with you.  i wish i had more to say at this time, but i'm sending lots of love and a hug filled with care, comfort, and support for what lies ahead.  you've been amazing thru this situation.  prayers flying for whatever is needed.