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Hi Hope,
I just checked to find out whether my library stocks this book, and unfortunately they don't. I will pay a visit and find out whether they can order a copy for me. That sounds like a good plan.

I'm interested to learn as much as I can about trauma. It helps to be as well informed as possible on the healing journey. Self-education can be very healing, as 'things' (the inner struggle) start to make sense. Self-blame and the inner critic fall away, as do anger, grief etc... there is still some, but it's not as powerful. You start to see everything in a new light.  That's how it's been for me anyway. I've been doing other complementary healing work too...  It's a big project this recovery process!   

Hope you are beginning to feel better now and the 'side effects' are wearing off. I had a friend who took this drug and it made her just the same, worse even.
Don't want to trigger anyone, so I won't say any more.

It's awful how the psychs pressurise people to take these drugs. I wonder whether they're getting paid for each new customer?

Thanks for bringing this book to our attention Hope. I like the sound of it, and have already looked it up on Amazon. Everyone's giving it 5 stars and raving about it, even therapists.
I want to read it too. It's quite pricey though for a paperback.

Hiya, welcome and well done for making it here. There's a good section on podcasts and videos which you've probably already seen, and loads of other sources of good info.
Hope you find it helpful. I have found this community to be a safe and reliable place for support. I hope you do too.

Hello Babbit,
Congratulations on finding OOTS and taking control of your recovery.

It sounds like you needed to do it, to find the best route for you. Recovery is a highly personal undertaking IMO. For me, it has become quite instinctual, a matter of doing the research and going inwards to decide on which direction is most appropriate for me at any given time.

When I get too stressed, I go for long walks in nature and recently got interested in bird watching and gardening as therapeutic hobbies.

Reconnecting with nature can be so grounding and calming ,.... I too gravitate towards the outdoors when I am stressed and anxious.
Thank goodness I have a garden now, despite living in a town! Just listening to the birds singing seems to act like an antidepressant  (I never take them)

Hope you enjoy joining in the forum discussions.

Sanmagic said:

i'd not heard the term before, didn't know what it might mean, so i was making stuff up in my mind.  my own stuff didn't make it to the level mentioned by others here.  that means that, if there are others out there like me, it would be a very good term to bring out in the open and have explained.  my opinion only.

Yes, agreed Sanmagic. I think it would be beneficial to have this term openly discussed and explained. Maybe an OOTS blog topic?

Miaoue, thank you for your interest in reading my book. That's really great!  There is  just one drawback... I've thought about it quite hard, and I don't think I'm ready to post details in this forum. For now, I'd just like to keep a low profile if that's OK with you. Thanks for your understanding. 

- TW - Take care please

Thank you for your thoughts on this murky phrase Ah, Miaoue and Blueberry. All very interesting and useful.

Yes, you're right Blueberry. I decided against using the term in connection with my book, because after posting on here and reading the discussion, I realised how ambiguous and confusing the term could be.  It could be interpreted in any number of ways, some of which Ah has noted. And the people who might interpret it as I intended could easily be triggered by it.

Ah said:

It could even be taken (very mistakenly, by readers who are clueless and haven't been in such dangerous situations) as some sort of free choice or personal taste, like saying "This is what survivors like!"  it's beyond wrong but I can imagine it going in that direction too.

I wouldn't be surprised either... Or it could be associated with outdoor (wilderness) survival!

What gets me most annoyed is how 'survival sex' gets thrown around in articles, especially academic ones, describing young people 'engaging' in it, making it synonymous with prostitution. I think this is harmful, and trivialises the seriousness of the effects of forced or coerced sex, muddying the waters between exploitation, rape and prostitution, giving people who prey on vulnerable people (especially CSA victims, who have been shown to be the most vulnerable) an almost foolproof protection against being charged with an offence. Victims of 'survival sex' are therefore less likely to find sympathy and the kind of help they need to recover.

Miaoue, what you said here is in line with my thinking:

calling it survival sex owns the choice in a way, by clarifying what the alternative would have been. submitting to coerced sex and surviving OR facing violence, abandonment, other dangers? faced with this impossible dichotomy, i could say i chose to have survival sex, to accept the damage to my soul instead of risking my life.

It's a kind of rape... which has been mentioned before in this thread. That's the nub of survival sex in my opinion: submit and damage your soul and your health, or risk your life.

And if you have CPTSD already (and most people still are unaware of CPTSD), you are less likely to find an escape, more likely to feel trapped in it, and become further damaged by the situation. 

Hi Artemis,

I am really sorry you are going through this at the moment. To me, it looks like other people (FOO and therapist) are creating more confusion, piled on top of the confusion created from childhood abuse and repeated cycles in adulthood. On the other hand, you do seem incredibly smart, and listening to your body re the effects of the medication and drugs.

Eg, you said about your T:

She wanted me to focus on the times I've been well. But all I can see is I keep failing at life and I'm so tired of this cycle. I wonder if she just needs to believe this for her own daughter. She didn't seem to listen when I told her that I feel like my mom is a covert sociopath and I dont feel safe having to live here again but have nowhere else to go. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel helpless again and I hate it.

I have been there myself with a T, wanting me to focus on the positive, play happy music, think happy thoughts, while minimising the other stuff that needs work on, needs validating and processing. I put this down to T's not fully  understanding CPTSD, though having the best of intentions, on the whole. So, this makes me think it may be time for you to look for another T, one who has a solid track record in working with people with CPTSD and understands the kinds of approaches that are helpful, rather than inadvertently hindering recovery, and misdiagnosing symptoms.

I agree with Ah, that what you are feeling now is quite normal, especially after just escaping from another psycho and having to live at home in a 'sociopathic' uncaring environment. I hope you can find someone who can help you break these cycles of abuse and move on. They are out there.... It's taken me a number of years and a few Ts, but I've been psycho-free for about three years now and live peacefully alone. It feels good and grounding. Keep going Artemis... things will get better. 
 

I relate to much of this. Not knowing that I was dissociated as a child, a teen, an adult, never heard of that word, just trying to function alone in an adult world with the beliefs and behaviours programmed into me. The repercussions were devastating ie more abuse. Then later on, realising that my confusion went scarily deep and trying to work it out. Still working it out, though have made leaps in progress over the last decade.

Thanks for sharing this BlancaLap. It's validating.

Now, we just keep going with this.    

Echo Three Roses: we could also point out that there are profound physiological changes to parts of the brain and endocrine system and reference some studies.

Hi and welcome to the forum OrinIncandenza,

Congrats on getting here and all the work you've done to get to an understanding of the trauma you've been experiencing.

I've just resumed therapy and seen a psychiatrist for the first time since these recognitions and I have been unfortunately disappointed by the lack of willingness to tailor an approach to what I'm now beginning to understand. The therapy I can be patient for, but the medication prescribed is not in any significant way different to what I've been prescribed for years when they thought I was bipolar and then later when my diagnosis was OCD. I'm on fire to pursue recovery in full recognition of the nature of my struggle, but I don't see anything like a similar enthusiasm and understanding from the people who are designated as the frontline of treatment.

I am sorry you have been through such a merry-go-round of diagnoses and medical treatments. This, unfortunately, seems to be a common theme among people with CPTSD when coming into contact with the medical/psych community. From my experience, it's been a case of keeping looking and eventually finding someone who can help with an aspect of my CPTSD. Each seems to have their own 'box of tricks' or specialisms, their beliefs based on some text or personal experience... I have usually learned something new, or elevated to a new level in my recovery in such cases. I wish the same for you. I relate to wanting to stick to natural remedies, and though I have never tried medical marujiana, the idea has long appealed to me. I hope you can pursue this avenue in your state.

Hi and welcome UnravelingMysteries,

I find myself realizing after working on ptsd for a few years that I have been in a sort of flight-freeze state for much of my life, not knowing what was wrong but that something was.

I can relate. It has been exhausting! But so good to know now, because it means we are normal, just a traumatised kind of normal, that needs some special TLC.

How to stay connected and grounded... For me, being outdoors away from people and buildings, in nature, is a big one. I love woods, and the rich, earthy smells - it's like a kind of aromatherapy, calming 

He restated that "I would question the validity of her recovered memories as reflecting possible child sexual abuse. Such memories, which arise in the context of therapy, are often found to be false." This is simply not true..

I hope you never have to see this man again. Invalidation is hurtful and counterproductive to recovery.
It's unfortunate that there are psychs like him out there, as they must be causing a great deal of distress to traumatised people.
Hopefully, in time, you will be able to put this behind you, as experience. 

Blueberry, Welcome to the world of OOTS moderators! Awesome... you're doing a fab job. 

OOTS has grown so big, we need you! 

Hi Annarae,
I know how important it is to know the truth, I relate to that. And like Dee, I have been told that I don't need to remember to recover. I've been told that it's worse to remember, and forgetting is some kind of protection. But I disagree... because amnesia can create repetitive painful re-enactments ie sexual abuse scenarios, and not having any acknowledgement feels like an injustice, further invalidation. For me, the nightmares are the biggest give away. They show the person involved, and this is the same person that FOUR (separate) therapists have identified as sexually abusing me as a child. I also have fragmented memories of being in excruciating pain (age 4 - 5) and being treated for it on several occasions, while my younger sisters never had that kind of pain.

I think your reaction to the photo is you tuning into your younger self at that age. I would trust your gut feelings and work with a good therapist who can help you, guide you safely to discovering (if appropriate) and healing this aspect of your past.