Entered the angry stage

[storyworld]

I was told, to heal, that I need to reach a place where I became angry about what I experienced. I don't know how true that is, but I can say, I have reached that place in regard to my mother. I'm so spitting mad right now. In some ways, I can see how this is beneficial as I've, up until now, wanting a relationship with her (with the mom I had continually been hoping she would become). But I can now see how intentionally manipulate she's been. I've known she's manipulative, but meaning how pathological her manipulations are, how effectively she messed with my head for so long, how she played me and my siblings against one another to get us to serve, rescue, and cater to her, and how incapable of change she is. I've been told my others that she's a covert narcissist, and while I could understand why they said that, my brain was still too "messed with" to fully embrace the truth. I now have no doubt that she is indeed a narcissist and that she truly did not care about me, nor does she now, nor is she capable of doing so. In fact, looking back on my childhood, I believe the times she did act "loving" was either to portray an image of a doting mother to the general public and to deceive my siblings, and the times since that she's played the "loving" card was to get something from me (usually, money).

I fully recognize her narcissism came from horrific abuse she suffered as a kid. That aspect does initiate a level of compassion within me. But that does not negate my anger. And perhaps for the first time ever, I finally feel freed from my desperate attempts to gain her love. I now know she is incapable of love, empathy, or of being even remotely the type mother I would want to engage with.

[NarcKiddo]

Progress does not always feel pleasant. But it sounds like you're making it.