I'm curious to know what experiences people have had of being out of an emotional flashback.
I think I've been in an emotional flashback continuously for at least the last 6 years, I've been in a chronic state of tension, hypervigilance, feeling disconnected, invisible, disassociation. Triggered, I now come to think, by my relationship. A few weeks following starting couples and some individual therapy something strange happened - I felt connected - colours seemed vivid, smells were beautiful, my brain went quiet and calm except for a single internal voice, the chaos was gone, I felt centered, my muscles were relaxed, I could feel emotions again and felt excitement, joy, and motivation. This lasted a week, unfortunately an argument with my husband triggered me back into a state of tension and disconnection - and I've been this way since.
I've been wondering whether my week of feeling connected with my brain and body is what it feels like to not be in a state of EF? Has anyone experienced anything similar?
Before my mental breakdown due to countertransference with my previous schema therapist, I was out of emotional flashbacks - I could regulate even when I was on the receiving end of abuse from others (toxic workplace). After my mental breakdown I'm worse. Besides a headache at the back of my head, almost everything triggers me and I've the impulse to turn violent towards things and others. So I get it.
I've had times where things have been so lovely and vivid and it is wonderful I agree. It's certainly something to work towards and it sounds like therapy helps you with that which is awesome.
I'm glad you had a brief lovely break there. Yes I've had very similar experiences including vision changes that I was very grateful for. And also the slide back. That's normal. Each time though you have a positive stretch you learn what you are aiming for. Welcome here. :grouphug:
Quote from: Miyagido on December 28, 2023, 08:34:49 AMI think I've been in an emotional flashback continuously for at least the last 6 years, I've been in a chronic state of tension, hypervigilance, feeling disconnected, invisible, disassociation. Triggered, I now come to think, by my relationship. A few weeks following starting couples and some individual therapy something strange happened - I felt connected - colours seemed vivid, smells were beautiful, my brain went quiet and calm except for a single internal voice, the chaos was gone, I felt centered, my muscles were relaxed, I could feel emotions again and felt excitement, joy, and motivation. This lasted a week, unfortunately an argument with my husband triggered me back into a state of tension and disconnection - and I've been this way since.
Welcome to the forum, Miyagido! :wave:
EFs are kind of complicated, I think. I mean, the brain is complicated and the understanding of trauma is still very much developing. I experience what I think are different levels of EF - like a full-blown one which might not exist that long or a less intensive one that seems to go on for weeks or maybe months especially in the past. I'm in one atm that is taking a while but due to some healing on my part I think it might not take 6 months which might have been the case years ago.
Quote from: Miyagido on December 28, 2023, 08:34:49 AMI've been wondering whether my week of feeling connected with my brain and body is what it feels like to not be in a state of EF?
That sounds plausible. Because depending on how dissociated (or not) I am - well that affects how connected my thoughts, emotions and physical feeling is. When that's all disjointed and I don't want to feel anything or remember anything, then I don't feel anything in the present either - no joy, no motivation, I don't even notice nice colours or the feeling of a bit of fresh air on my face or anything like that.
Thanks all for your insights. Indeed it is so complicated. I wonder whether it was related to a feeling of emotional safety for the first time, being heard and validated by the therapist. After living in a family were feelings were not spoken about and shamed or denied, and then replicating this pattern in my relationship. I am so used to numbing out and being guarded - my body may have 'opened up' to feeling again, at least for a bit.
That's entirely possible and how lovely is it to know what it can feel like on the other side :thumbup: Makes working away in therapy and on your own worth it.