Mary Anns Journal

[Larry]

hi mary ann,   i really am not good at saying helpfull things,    i just want you to know that i am here to try to support you.   

[Mary Ann]

Thanks Larry and Armee and Phil...thanks for the support.
Me having a panic is probably just a gauge of how unwell I'm feeling at the moment.
I'm having lots of Efs ...and not realising what they are till a while later.
Im probably going to write again about the stuff I deleted. Another time when I'm feeling less anxious.
Writing about stuff, or telling people is the most scary but helpful and healing thing I can do for myself...seriously...it's got to be a good thing...
Yesterday I went out to work, (I work outdoors) and I got so anxious I came right back home again...
I went and hid in my bedroom and lay there, in bed but not sleeping...I was jumping and startled at every noise outside. My back and shoulders have been hurting because of the muscle tension...and I keep on getting the shakes. I'm really not sure what's triggered this whole downward spiral...doesn't actually help I'd I do know.
Anyway....thanks for all the kindness everyone, and I'm grateful that I have an opportunity to write and be heard.

[paul72]

I'm sorry for your shakes, startling, muscle tension, etc.. all that awful physical stuff that comes.
Thanks for sharing... you aren't alone in this as much as it sure feels that way at the time.
I hope it eases for you.,, you're right .. it certainly can feel like a downward spiral.. I hope you find some comfort, peace, beauty somewhere to hang on to.
Sending a gentle {also shaky} hug your way 

[rainydiary]

Mary Ann, I resonate with the challenge of sharing my experiences with others.  It is a tricky thing that we both need other people to heal and yet are also triggered by other people.  I hope that you find ways to say what you want to say to others when you are ready. 

[Mary Ann]

I'm on holiday for a week. Arrived last night. Kids really happy, it's our favourite place in the world but I had a horrendous night ...really awful nightmare about my Mother.  Really disturbing, anxiety level high and I've nothing except nice stuff to do.

[Not Alone]

Mary Ann, I'm so sorry about your nightmare. Those can be really disturbing.

I hope you and the kids have a great time.

[Mary Ann]

I had another couple of really awful dreams last few nights.
I'm also struggling with my back, which I'm sure is related to my mental state a lot of the time. If I'm anxious, I must be tensing up muscles without being aware of it, and then my back and hip starts playing up.
We took our kids to the fair the other day.
It's funny but having kids makes me aware of the stuff I didn't do as a child myself. My parents didn't take me to a park/playground as a kid, and that cost nothing, they certainly didn't agree with rides on fairs!
One time I begged and begged to go to the fair, because all the kids at school were showing off about what rides they'd been on.
Eventually my parents agreed...I could go...I could have one ride and one toffee apple and no more! Then straight home.
The ride couldn't be a fast or scary one, my Mother didn't want to have to feel nervous watching, it had to be one of the baby ones for tiny kids.
This was almost worse, because we lived in a very small place, half my class were at the fair, and so as well as the usual jibes about how 'she can't even afford to go', the ones that saw me had a laugh at me only being allowed on a little kids ride.
That was the only time my family took me though.
So I was glad to see my kids enjoying themselves...it's only a few rides and some donuts, but I'm happy my kids do things that people their age enjoy.
Put a poem in the poetry/writing section today, and I immediately worry that people will know who I am (unlikely) and that I'm putting ugly things out there for the world to see.
I always feel like trouble is about to happen, and I can't feel any different.
I put the poem in because I was doing some writing anyway, and because I saw an advert for a creative writing workshop near where we're staying. It's a half day workshop writing about the theme of motherhood and how it's transformative...something like that anyway.
I'd really like to go...but I don't know if I'd be brave enough...it's something I've never done before, and these women may all be experienced writers?
I'll think about it....I'd be proud of myself if I tried something new for once.

[Armee]

MaryAnn,

You are a very talented writer. I'd encourage you to go. You have things worth saying and powerful ways of saying them.

[paul72]

MaryAnn,

You are a very talented writer. I'd encourage you to go. You have things worth saying and powerful ways of saying them.

and if I could just add to be proud of yourself either way. You really have quite a gift.

[Mary Ann]

Yesterday, we took our kids to a pottery cafe!
It was a really nice thing to do, and I found it quite relaxing, sitting painting on cups and plates.
Once they've been glazed and fired they will be sent to us by post.
It's quite tricky to find a nice activity to do as a family when the kids are teens, that's not full of little kids ...but my son enjoyed himself, and so did my daughter, I think though she's a bit of a perfectionist and never happy with the finnished product.
When I was a small child I had very odd obsessions...the biggest one was fungi! As a six or seven year old I was fascinated by them, and my most prized possession was a small book called the 'Collins gem guide to toadstools and mushrooms'. I took it with me in a coat pocket everywhere!
So I was sat in the pottery cafe, with a large coffee mug to paint, I didn't have anything in mind ideas wise...
So I just did something I knew I'd love drinking out off, a picture that made me feel happy...and it was bright red Fly agaric toadstools, growing from bits of autumn coloured ground, with a dark green background behind. I'm smiling now just thinking about it. If I could go back in time, the small child me would've been absolutely delighted to have a cup like that! And to paint one...it would've been her best day ever...it's not a good painting, it's only basic (the artist in the family is my daughter!) but it's something I love, in colours I love...and have done since I was tiny.
I wonder how many  kids have weird obsessions...mine were odd, certainly for a little girl...steam trains, fungi, among other things.
    I bought my best friend (the older lady) a little gift, it's nothing much just some nice handmade soap, as a souvenir. The odd thing is I get incredibly anxious about giving people gifts if I've chosen them, even tiny ones from holidays away. Like everything, there's a story behind it I think.
When I was a small child again about six, I'd gone to a jumble sale with my Mother (there were lots of these at the time, and my M got lots of our clothes from them)
Anyway, I bought a small pot figure with my own spending money, I think it cost ten pence, and I wrapped it as a present for my grownup sister/caregiver...it lived in her house for years.
As an older child of maybe ten or eleven? I was staying with her and she picked up the pot figure, and said to me, 'am I allowed to throw this away now?...you gave it me when you were little darling, and I always hated it, but I couldn't get rid of it because I didn't want to upset you...I stuck it in the back of a cupboard and only got it out if you came to stay.'...
It was only a cheap silly kids gift, and she must've thought I was by then old enough to be not bothered, but I felt really humiliated and hurt by this, I remember it well.
Another time  I must've been around thirteen, and my parents and I went in holiday, we stayed in a caravan and it was the first holiday we'd had for a long time (we usually just stayed with relatives or my sister to do work)
Again, I bought my sister a gift, with my own spending money, a small blue glass candle holder.
My Mother, when she spoke to my sister on the phone, told her I'd got her a gift and she bigged it up to be something spectacular! I'm not sure why!
When I gave it to her, she unwrapped it and saw what it was...a cheap souvenir from a kid, she burst out laughing, saying 'is this it!'...she laughed and laughed, and for years would bring up this hopeless present that had been made to sound like something good.
My point in writing this is...every single thing I do, even the tiny stuff, there's always a hurtful story behind it. Perhaps I was over sensitive as a kid? But I think my kids would have felt hurt if gifts were laughed.
As I'm writing this another thought occurred to me.
It's quite hard to follow, who lived in my family at what time.
This is specially relevant because my grown up sister when she lived with my parents was my real 'caregiver'...and first she was there...then she married and moved away...then we moved to the country and she came to live with us...then she moved away...then I spent many years back and forth to her house, staying for weeks at a time, then we moved....
I know older siblings move out, especially as mine were all in their late teens when I was born!
But this coming and going of my sister was really impactful, because she was my attachment figure when I was tiny, and though she scared me so much, I loved her and wanted her to like me...she was my second mother...begrudgingly.
Stuffs always more complicated than it looks.
My parents never divorced, my Dad always had a job...i had clothes and food.
It looks ok on paper...but actually it was so dysfunctional. My caregivers DIDNT care, and they came and went. At times my family lived in real poverty...and at other times they just acted like they did.
I drank milk leftover from local schools, and we ate bread that came in bin bags which my Mother asked for at a bakery if they were throwing anything away...my clothes and even underwear was all second hand....things were seldom ever new...I was left unsupervised and unseen for long amounts of time as a child, or sent to stay with people I didn't know...there were rows, and fights and feuds that lasted years...and physical violence and emotional violence...alcoholism (my parents always had money for this)....but on paper, to others it looked not too bad.
Blimey....I've started out about something nice we did with my kids....and I've ended up ranting and listing....again!
This isn't a recovery journal...it's a rant-a-rama!

[Mary Ann]

Oh and the writing workshop.....I didn't go because....
I tried to book a ticket online and I couldn't do it, it didn't accept my email address or something like that....and so I just gave up.
And I'm angry at myself, because I really wanted to....and it's just like me to give up and do nothing.
I'm realising as I'm writing, I've just wrote, ranted and stewed myself into a really bad place.

[Mary Ann]

That was this morning but guess what!
There was another creative writing discussion group on and on the last minute I went for it. It wasn't for very long, it was about creative writing for wellness and mental health, and therapeutic writing...that type of thing.
It was a small group, and I really enjoyed it!
We had to write something in 4 minutes and then read it out....i really had a nice time. I wish there was a creative writing group I could go to near me!
Im really really pleased

[Mary Ann]

I was really happy about that event I went to.
Dare I say it I was even proud of myself...I felt brave.
The next day a bad thing happened. A really bad thing. I can't talk about it or write about it. It was a bad thing and I just want to say it happened and I'm just carrying on pretending nothing happened like I've done all my life...
Anytime I relax and feel happy or proud of myself (which is a new experience for me!) something bad seems to happen...maybe that's what you get for feeling good about something?

[Armee]

Oh MaryAnn, I am so so sorry. Please think about not pretending it's OK.  It's not ok, whatever it was, and ignoring it might just make it worse?

And yes, I always have that feeling that the second I let down my guard (for you it's feeling proud, for me its thinking people are safe)...something bad happens. It's a terrible belief that feeds my trauma reactions instead of healing them but life just keeps throwing me things that feel like proof. Of course, it's not proof, but try telling our brains that!

And Mary Ann? I am really really proud of you for going to that event. That's really cool. 

[Mary Ann]

Thanks Armee.
I wish I could talk about the thing. It's something that happens sometimes.
I really want to. But I'm scared. I have a therapist appointment this week. I hope I can tell her. I feel like trouble might happen. I'm just really tired now.