Life After A Year on The Forum

[tea-the-artist]

Hiya everyone! I wanted to reflect on my life after joining this forum just a year ago (give a couple days). I think it's an important part of recovery to reflect on how far we've come, not only counting surviving the trauma we were forced to face, but also the steps we ourselves have taken to understand, care for, and love ourselves better.

I came here as a last resort. Things were crumbling around me and i realized it was too difficult to continue by myself and I'm glad to have come here. I've learned a lot, from others and their writings. I've been encouraged when I genuinely felt like I didn't deserve any kindness. The support has been just amazing.. I don't really have words for it.

I know I had a lot of ups and downs. I think because of this site and outside research, I learned how to point out when I was coping unhealthily or reacting to situations while unaware I was in an EF. Having a journal to record all that was and still is really important for that.

I think my favorite and most helpful thing I learned about was inner children. It took me some time, but I started thinking of Little Tea with the help you guys, ways I could bring her out and in a way it became almost natural to me to move to comfort her when I was feeling small, and remember that I'm bigger now and that despite still living at home, I am capable of much more than I was when I was 8 (Little Tea's age). Thinking of myself as the parent to my childself has been incredible. And even on days where I forget her or am overwhelmed in an EF, I look back and think "That wasn't kind to her" or "Next time I could take better care of her" or remind myself that I can care for her much much better than my parents. Just look at my signature. That's something I'm striving to live by every day.

I want  to end this off just to say that I feel like a year marks the end of part one (for me). I have one last issue that I recently remembered I want to analyze before I move towards a more heavy-handed recovery. I've appreciated being able to spend this last year just feeling. Feeling a lot. I felt SO so much that it was extremely overwhelming most of the time and I felt unstable. But in the end I always had and will always have to remind myself that it's ok to feel all that. There's nothing wrong with feeling all these "negative" emotions, contrary to what my parents taught me. That's how I work to re-parent myself. Doing better than them. And it feels good when I'm able to remember that.

So I wanted to say thanks! Thanks for existing, in all of your own ways. Thanks for working hard to do things for you. Thanks to folks who read my terribly terribly long journals entries. Thank you for just... being here. I'm glad folks have come here to work on themselves and work through the pain and aftermaths. I'm just really glad this place exists and I'm glad I can look back to myself a year ago and really see how far I've come. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but deep in my heart it's there.

[sanmagic7]

 

ya know, tea, i'm one who never re-reads my journals, either here or at home.  i'm glad it's something that helps you see yourself more clearly.  for me, it just would bring back neg. memories, and would set me back, bring me distress.  just one more example of how this stuff works differently for everyone.

you are moving forward - i've seen it.  maybe you haven't accomplished everything you wanted to do yet, but there's time.  when it's your time, it'll happen.  and i love your signature.  it's so very caring and nurturing.  beautiful.

keep up the good work, tea.  big hug to you.

[tea-the-artist]

thank you sanmagic7! going back has definitely brought up a lot of sadness and distress to be honest. i'll admit that, but I'll also say that i guess for me, my goal in doing so was to get through (i def didn't reread the whole journal, just a couple key entries and skimmed maybe half of it) and be able to remind myself that I'm not there anymore. and be able to tell myself (as an adult, and Little Tea) that I didn't deserve any of that and that I'll stomp my way out if I have to. rereading journals was kind of a pastime I did when i was much younger so I guess it seems natural for me to want to reread things here too.

i'm really glad someone can see me moving forward, that means a lot. and you're totally right, when the time comes, things will fall into place! thanks san!!