Hi all,
So sorry about the possible triggers in this but impossible to introduce your story without some really.
I have used this same intro on the out of the fog forum so those I met over there will know me but it has been a while. I have been working with my T on some very difficult stuff in recent months and that caused me to sort of hide away again which was not the result I expected but apparently quite normal for what we were doing. This is a fab new resource and it's going to take me days to get through all the wonderful info.
I am always concerned about how to summarise my story quickly as so many of you will have done, especially when it is long and complex. I am 59 and to everyone outside have had a really good life especially in recent years but very briefly this is the story as to why I am now in healing from Complex PTSD and struggling with an ageing uNPDM and enablingF.
I really had no idea that my parents even had a PD until last year. I was so embroiled in CPTSD that I just took all the blame on board myself. I thought that my problem had started when I was 15 and I got pregnant and although my baby died at birth, my parents made me marry the father (who was 21 years old) just 6 weeks after the birth. They made me feel so ashamed and told me that no one else would ever look at me let alone marry me so I had no choice.
There began a very abusive relationship to a psychopath which lasted 11 years. I finally left when I didn't care if he did kill me! It turned out my fears were justified when his next 'victim' was actually murdered by him a few years after I left. 3 days later he killed himself rather than face authority and own up to what he had done. He tried to cover up his crime by faking a double suicide, but the court returned a verdict of 'unlawful killing' by him. Apparently you cannot be labelled a murderer if you are dead.
I was lucky as I met and married a wonderful man who is still with me 30 years later. I have 4 children 2 from my first marriage and 2 with my new hubbie, I returned to Higher education at 37 and completed a degree and worked 20 years as a University lecturer and in that time was very successful even completing a. PhD.
End of story it may seem - well not quite! I spent those 30 years burying my feelings about what had happened by developing very unhelpful schemas of perfectionism, unrelenting standards, doormat syndrome, subjugation, etc. All very destructive schemas but they were my coping mechanisms. Then bang I am diagnosed with MS and the world I had fought to build came tumbling down around my ears. No longer able to do everything for everyone and keep the professional status I had attained to prove I was okay (dependent on outside validation), my CPTSD symptoms took on a stranglehold. I was lucky that a therapist in the neurology team recognised it from her work with war veterans.
Then another shock when 6 months into the therapy the realisation came that my parents paved the way for my ex by preparing me to be a victim all my life! You guys know how soul destroying it is to know the life you thought you had was not! I am now trying very hard to cope from this new information and heal from the CPTSD. I have also recently had some more really nasty knocks and confrontations with my parents, it seems that ageing does not heal PDs.
Thank you to all of you for being here and for listening, I'm looking forward to meeting some of you. Just bear in mind I am based in the UK so there may me a time lag in my replies and doing some pretty radical therapy too at the moment which often knocks me sideways!
Thanks for listening x
So sorry about the possible triggers in this but impossible to introduce your story without some really.
I have used this same intro on the out of the fog forum so those I met over there will know me but it has been a while. I have been working with my T on some very difficult stuff in recent months and that caused me to sort of hide away again which was not the result I expected but apparently quite normal for what we were doing. This is a fab new resource and it's going to take me days to get through all the wonderful info.
I am always concerned about how to summarise my story quickly as so many of you will have done, especially when it is long and complex. I am 59 and to everyone outside have had a really good life especially in recent years but very briefly this is the story as to why I am now in healing from Complex PTSD and struggling with an ageing uNPDM and enablingF.
I really had no idea that my parents even had a PD until last year. I was so embroiled in CPTSD that I just took all the blame on board myself. I thought that my problem had started when I was 15 and I got pregnant and although my baby died at birth, my parents made me marry the father (who was 21 years old) just 6 weeks after the birth. They made me feel so ashamed and told me that no one else would ever look at me let alone marry me so I had no choice.
There began a very abusive relationship to a psychopath which lasted 11 years. I finally left when I didn't care if he did kill me! It turned out my fears were justified when his next 'victim' was actually murdered by him a few years after I left. 3 days later he killed himself rather than face authority and own up to what he had done. He tried to cover up his crime by faking a double suicide, but the court returned a verdict of 'unlawful killing' by him. Apparently you cannot be labelled a murderer if you are dead.
I was lucky as I met and married a wonderful man who is still with me 30 years later. I have 4 children 2 from my first marriage and 2 with my new hubbie, I returned to Higher education at 37 and completed a degree and worked 20 years as a University lecturer and in that time was very successful even completing a. PhD.
End of story it may seem - well not quite! I spent those 30 years burying my feelings about what had happened by developing very unhelpful schemas of perfectionism, unrelenting standards, doormat syndrome, subjugation, etc. All very destructive schemas but they were my coping mechanisms. Then bang I am diagnosed with MS and the world I had fought to build came tumbling down around my ears. No longer able to do everything for everyone and keep the professional status I had attained to prove I was okay (dependent on outside validation), my CPTSD symptoms took on a stranglehold. I was lucky that a therapist in the neurology team recognised it from her work with war veterans.
Then another shock when 6 months into the therapy the realisation came that my parents paved the way for my ex by preparing me to be a victim all my life! You guys know how soul destroying it is to know the life you thought you had was not! I am now trying very hard to cope from this new information and heal from the CPTSD. I have also recently had some more really nasty knocks and confrontations with my parents, it seems that ageing does not heal PDs.
Thank you to all of you for being here and for listening, I'm looking forward to meeting some of you. Just bear in mind I am based in the UK so there may me a time lag in my replies and doing some pretty radical therapy too at the moment which often knocks me sideways!
Thanks for listening x