Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy Diary. I appreciate your understanding and kind hopes.


The Part who has had struggles and new memories is pretty present right now. She feels the need to be on the floor, so I brought up a thick blanket to put down and will get her into pajamas and put pillows, blankets and our bear on the floor for her to feel as safe and as taken care of as possible.

[Snowdrop]

That part is precious, and she deserves to feel safe and cherished.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Snowdrop. 

The Part who has had struggles and new memories is pretty present right now. She feels the need to be on the floor, so I brought up a thick blanket to put down and will get her into pajamas and put pillows, blankets and our bear on the floor for her to feel as safe and as taken care of as possible.

I did follow through on this. We/she was on the floor for awhile. I record my therapy sessions and she listened to the most recent session with herself and therapist. Hearing his voice brought some comfort. After awhile I went to bed. She may be young, but my bones are old! I am really feeling her and feel the need to be on the floor wrapped up in a blanket. Her fear is so big and she needs to feel safe. I'm not working this week, but I do have a lot of things to do and appointments. I will do the best that I can to take care of both. I was able to schedule an extra therapy session this week, so that will help. Her memories continue to come in unconnected pieces.

[paul72]

hi Not Alone
Thank you for sharing this.. it's nice to read how well you look after your parts.... sleeping on the floor wrapped in a blanket is really some kind of commitment to yourself/parts!!
Sending a gentle hug if you don't mind and a thank you for the inspiration. 

[Armee]

Sending lots of support and snuggly soft blankets as she navigates these disconnected memories. It's so hard, Not Alone, what you are going through. 

I'm also glad you mentioned being on the floor. I've started asking my T to sit on the ground with me when sessions get hard. It feels safe there for some reason. Thanks for sharing that so I know I am not alone. 

[Not Alone]

Phil, I appreciate your kindness and the hug.

Armee, you are not alone. When I first started this journey of looking at the trauma, I spent a lot of time on the floor, covered with a blanket. thank you for the soft blankets.

I just spent more time on floor, wrapped in a blanket. I kept telling the Part that she was safe. Right now I'm on the chair with the cat on my lap. That is also comforting.

[sanmagic7]

wow, notalone, so much progress, so much determination to keep your younger part feeling safe.  it's wonderful, i think, for both of you.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

San, that is an encouragement to me. There are times that I have to fight the "shoulds;" "I should be normal," "I should be more functional," etc. I have grown in my ability to be kind to the Parts, but sometimes it is a struggle, so your encouragement is helpful.

[Not Alone]

I've had a two week break from work. I go back Monday. Now it feels like the "normal" weekend. I woke up feeling anxious, sad, empty, and like a failure. I enjoy my job and once I'm there it will be okay. However, having to be "on," be professional, for almost 40 hours a week is a big, big weight. I feel the pressure of that, but I've been up for a little bit and the heaviness inside is less intense.

Added to that is knowing that my H wants me to be (look/act) okay. That is an enormous burden that I feel when he is home, which is almost all the time. He doesn't say it often, but he has said it enough and in many different ways that I know that is what he wants. He isn't home right now, although he'll be back soon. Just writing this paragraph, I feel the weight and fear inside of me ballooning. In my childhood I had to pretend everything was okay so it just mirrors my trauma.

                           

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Not alone. I hear you on the pressure a full-time job can produce. Here's wishing you energy for it.

[paul72]

hi Not Alone
I hope the heaviness inside continues to ease today 
Thank you for sharing about the weight of trying to be okay for your H. It gives me something to reflect on.
I hope your weekend has so much goodness in it!!

[Snowdrop]

The weight of those burdens sounds hard, Not Alone. I hope sharing them helps them feel lighter.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i share your heaviness about the expectations placed on us by others.  it is a huge burden we've borne.  i was once told by a healer that i was a cart pony who had been forced to do a draft horse's work all my life.  those expectations can ruin our time and energy.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Not Alone]

CactusFlower, Phil, Snowdrop, & San,

Thank you for reading and posting. To be heard------invaluable. To receive kindness and understanding------precious.

[Armee]

Those are both huge weights, Not Alone. Being on at work for 40 hrs a week is a lot and it is exhausting, and then to have to come home and act ok when you ARE NOT OK. No one who went through and is going through what you have gone and are going through would be ok without ample time and support as these pieces are being sorted through, understood, and healed.

But Not Alone? You don't have to act OK for H. He may want and need you to act like it's OK, but you don't need to do that. If he can't handle what happened to you and what you are going through now as these memories surface and get worked through....that is HIS problem to deal with. You get to be not OK because it is not ok.