Kizzie's Journal

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you Kizzie 

[Papa Coco]

Dang.

I was so hoping you'd find the peacefulness I find in the Ketamine infusions.

I did get my anxiety under control before my first infusion, by banning myself from all news, local and world.  I don't know what the infusions would have been like if I'd have started them sooner, while my anxiety was still in full swing.

I hope you're doing okay today.

[sanmagic7]

so sorry, kizzie, that it did not work out the way we all hoped.  i guess like all drugs/meds, it's an experiment to see what works and what doesn't.  best to you in your continuing endeavor to find some relief.  this just sucks, unfortunately.  i so hope you find the right combo and soon.  love and hugs filled w/ support and caring.

[Armee]

 

You gave it a try and your intention is to heal. Something will work. It's so hard though I'm so sorry this was not the trick.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I hope you were able to get something out of the session even if it was not what you had intended. I've had things show up in IFS that have taken me a while to understand, or maybe that I understood it on some level but took a while to see how it applied to my life.

Well done for trying though. Sometimes you have to go down all the roads to find the right one, even if it is frustrating at the moment.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

Tks everyone     

I did end up talking to another psychiatrist there (they have 4 or 5 which is pure gold) yesterday, great conversation and by the end I was willing to try again.  He told me about about client my age with really high anxiety too and they are going to lower the dose for him and for me because the Ketamine does work in the background really well.  Apparently you don't need to have a big trippy trip and meet little aliens and such for it to be effective.  Thank the universe for that because that whole psychedelic thing is NOT for me. The psych knew that my protective part took me out of the trip at the end because it was too much for me  and that I would need a lower dose, much less fuss, more calm.  I will likely do my therapy session on a separate day because again, it and the Ketamine are too much on one day. Papa you do that and I know at the other clinic I had contacted they do that as well so it's not absolutely necessary to do both on the same day.  It was just way too much for this very anxious senior.

He also told me not to do anything about the meds I'm on (i.e., don't taper) because that will send my anxiety too high to get through the process and he will be happy to talk with my GP about keeping things as they are.  Gold I tell you, gold.  That's the benefit of paying more.

He also recommended I don't go on Risperidone, that it is NOT a good choice for me and that if by the end of the six sessions I still need something he/they will consult with my GP to find the best med for me.  But he thinks by the end I may be able to manage on my own without any psychiatric meds just as I wanted. That's exactly why I'm there.  He told me there is good evidence about Ketamine working away in the background to tame anxiety and depression.  BTW he agrees with the other psych who evaluated me that I have clinical depression and that is what Ketamine does best with.  Tame the depression through Ketamine treatments nd finish tapering off the SSRI and the anxiety should resolve. Fingers and toes crossed. 

So as nervous as I am I will keep going.  I really like the psych and felt like he genuinely listened and will do his level best along with the staff to make this work for me.  No more trips thankfully though!

[Hope67]

The psych knew that my protective part took me out of the trip at the end because it was too much for me  and that I would need a lower dose, much less fuss, more calm. 

This is great Kizzie, that your protective part did that and protected you.  I am so glad that you were able to have that helpful discussion with that psychiatrist, and that you can try the treatment again, but at a dose appropriate to your needs.   Fingers crossed for you.

Also a hug 

Hope 

[Armee]

 

This brings me so much joy that they are not giving up, are trying to adjust to you and that they will talk to GP after so it won't just be you and her trying to figure meds out. 

[Kizzie]

Tks Hope.  It was actually a complete surprise when protective me zoomed in and took back the reigns of control.  I kept saying, "I failed, I failed" and I was just so distraught. I didn't see it as a good thing it did for me until the next day.

When I talked to the psych yesterday he and I talked about that protective part coming online to do its job because the dose was simply too high for me considering my anxiety.  He actually admitted that dosing is still the part of Ketamine Treatment regime they don't have nailed down really well yet.  I was amazed he admitted that but truth be told I had read it in a lot of the journal articles ( i.e., that more research is still needed around dosing).  What he wants to do now is not engage that protective part by too high a dose, too much going on in one day, and not enough anxiety med on board. We need for it to sit quietly in the background and let the Ketamine do its thing.   

I didn't take anything that day of treatment as some of the literature I was given talked about it blocking the effects of Ketamine.  Big mistake and by 230 PM after being up since 5 AM my body was screaming for something.  After the crash landing in the Ketamine session the therapist was talking away to me about different breathing exercises and in my head I could hear myself saying "Please stop talking, that won't help right now" and then I escaped to the bathroom and took some Lorazepam. That helped. 

My clinic is collecting data on this so my experience will be reported which as someone who totally supports research makes me happy-  the experience will not fade away, never to be learned from.  Part of what they've already learned from me and the other client my age with bad anxiety is that they have to approach us differently, dose wise, how much they therapy we can take in one day, etc.  That they are willing to learn and adjust is awesome in my books.

[Blueberry]

Yay Kizzie on so many counts

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

Congrats! I'm happy for you that your clinic is showing you that you matter 

Also, I feel like I might need a macrodose with psilocybin but I don't feel "prepared." I'm suspecting that what I might be shown might be too much to handle, or maybe something I've been blocking but in my own time I guess. I've been reading Stanislav Grof and he did work with LSD and patients in the 50s 60s and 70s. I found his book When the Impossible Happens: Adventures in Non-Ordinary Reality pretty interesting. It kind of gives a framework (well sort of) for the things that can happen in a psychedelic experience. It's interesting that a lot of the work deals with difficult births, but also a lot of other stuff.

The IFS talk with Michael Mithoefer that I posted elsewhere also talks a bit about about protective parts overriding the experience when on psychedelics.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, so very glad to hear you have a sympathetic shrink who is taking you seriously and is offering reasonable explanations and alternatives.  as you said, gold.  very glad, too, you have your lorazepam to help you thru - sometimes it's our tried and true meds that do the trick where  just doesn't cut it anymore.

best to you with round #2.  i do hope you get some relief next time around.  this crapola just messes w/ us all the way around.   love and a hug filled w/ better results next time.

[Kizzie]

I'm going to have to find that IFS talk you mentioned Dolly, that's so interesting that that is what happened with me.  That protective part just shot in guns ablazing and overrode the experience.  It really was the weirdest thing.  I see now why/how dosing matters when it comes to psychedelic therapy and why it was identified as much needed research.

I for the life of me cannot see ever using any of these psychedelics recreationally - OMG, so not my idea of fun!
My GP said the same thing when I told her what it was like.  She's likes to be in control too much, just like me.  Anyway, I personally think one criteria for psychedelic assisted therapy in terms of dosing should be whether or not the person has ever tried a psychedelic before and if not, you probably want to ease them into it dosewise. Babysteps.

Tks so much San, I am quite scared but don't want to miss out if this is going to help in the end.  Plan B is for my GP to talk with the clinic psych around midway about the possibility of a psych med if the Ketamine is not kicking in.  So I do have a backup and with some very good expertise to guide my GP and I. 

[dollyvee]

I'm going to have to find that IFS talk you mentioned Dolly, that's so interesting that that is what happened with me.  That protective part just shot in guns ablazing and overrode the experience.  It really was the weirdest thing.  I see now why/how dosing matters when it comes to psychedelic therapy and why it was identified as much needed research.

I for the life of me cannot see ever using any of these psychedelics recreationally - OMG, so not my idea of fun!
My GP said the same thing when I told her what it was like.  She's likes to be in control too much, just like me. 

I think the Robert Falconer episode (can't remember if I posted it) also talks about preparation sessions and meeting with your protectors and asking them if they have any fears etc, getting them to step back etc. I'm sure there are very good reasons why you need your reality to be in a way that makes you feel safe and in control.

[Kizzie]

Not doing well at all so have emailed my GP for med to control this anxiety and emailed the Ketamine clinic to ask if I can pause my treatment until the meds kick in.

I so wanted off psych meds and maybe someday after the Ketamine that will happen but right now I'm just having trouble making it through the day so meds it is. 

Just a crying mess at the moment.