Messages

I am very sorry to hear about your daughter's loss. 

I wish I could think of anything useful to say to help you in all of this or offer you some practical help so you'd get a moment to yourself.

Sending you cyber hugs and good thoughts. 

I hope there'll be easier times for you in the near future. Hang in there!

Hi, aurora,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

Much of what you write resonates with me - probably most of all your reasons of looking for support in your efforts to create a better tomorrow:

For me, for my kids and for my friend I come here hoping to find a safe place that helps builds strength and encourages hope in a new tomorrow.

That's a very positive and powerful motivation! 

I can also very much relate to the struggle you have with your low self esteem. It's hard to make good choices if somewhere deep down you don't feel that you're worth it, isn't it? - At least, that's where I often go wrong...

Have you checked out Pete Walkers website on CPTSD yet? http://www.pete-walker.com/

I hope you'll find a lot of the support and encouragement you need to create your brighter tomorrow here. 

Best wishes, kf

Looking back I realize that OOTF and OOTS have made an enormous difference for me, and that I am actually seeing recovery beginning to take root. When I look back to the first post I made at OOTF I was so very deeply confused and upset, last year I struggled with drinking and big panic attacks and here finally is what feels like solid ground. 

[...]

Anyway, I know I will continue to struggle, to have EFs, to dissociate, to be depressed and so on, but I suspect this will be less intensely and often than in the past, and that life will not be as much of a struggle as it has been. Huzzah! 

Thanks to all of you for being such an important part of my journey 

Glad you're doing well, Kizzie! I hope your money will arrive soon - soooo frustrating to have to wait for what is rightfully yours...

Your writing describes so accurately what OOTF and OOTS have taught me: To have realistic expectations of myself and my healing. When I started on OOTF, my main (subconscious) goal  was to make my CPTSD go away and now I realize that I was chasing a very romanticized and unrealistic dream: A place where I could be free of CPTSD and happy all the time. Through the discussions on OOTF and OOTS I have learned that my CPTSD will never go away but that I have the power to reduce the size of the piece of my life that is overshadowed by it. I stopped wanting the impossible and replaced it with the knowledge that though there will be EFs, meltdowns and dark days in my future, I will be able to survive them - and I don't have to face them alone any more, either. 

The whole struggling thing gets old doesn't it?
[...]
Anyway, I know I will continue to struggle, to have EFs, to dissociate, to be depressed and so on, but I suspect this will be less intensely and often than in the past, and that life will not be as much of a struggle as it has been. Huzzah! 

You may struggle - but in doing so you've also grown a lot of new 'muscles'  .

Best wishes! kf

Hi, BM,

it's called psychogenic pain: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychogenic_pain

I was diagnosed with a tendency towards psychogenic pain in 2000 and the way my t explained it to me is that the pain is real but the cause of the pain is not physical. First thing you have to do is go see a doctor and make sure that it there really is nothing physically wrong with you that causes these symptoms. (Never skip that step - if there's a physical cause you'd want to nip it in the bud!)

Once you've ruled out a physical cause, there are several ways in which to deal with psychogenic pain, many of which you probably already know and practise: Mindfulness, soothing the IC, stability in your daily routine (regular meals and exercise, regular sleeping routine....) and - of course - being good and kind towards yourself, not pushing yourself beyond your limits.

The good news is that though the psychogenic pain increased for a while at the beginning of t (irritable bowels, headaches, sore throat and backaches in my case), they have considerably decreased since. 

BM, you have so much on your plate right now, setting so many giant steps at once, it's a small wonder that the stress of changing your life - even if all the changes are positive ones - has to manifest itself somewhere. I hope it doesn't cause you too much extra stress and worry  .

[...] I would sit back and think "Am I -- my IC in particular --overreacting to something?" "How can I look at this differently?"  "Is this healthy disagreement between students or with me or is it an attack?"

Thank you for posting this! If you don't mind, I'll 'steal' these questions and try and practise with them in my own life. I am often having trouble differentiating between healthy disagreements and fights, between my (or my IC's???) urge to freeze if I encounter anything unknown or unexpected and feeling safe in the present...

You definitely deserve a merrit badge and a chocolate for successfully implementing this technique. 

Hi, lovely,

I can feel your pain and anger and sheer disbelieve at being treated like this by your T in your letter.    I think it was a good call to break off with your T - pure self preservation.

Did you ever consider that this T might be a narc herself? Becoming a T is one of the professions narcs are drawn to - infinite supply - and by the time you started becoming stronger and better and refused to be drawn into a path that didn't feel right for you, it all went pearshaped. The refusal of your T to accept your breakoff also suggests that she might be a narc  - my T was surprised when I told her I wanted to quit but accepted my reasons no problem, wrote a very supportive email to me and said her door was always open should I need her again in the future. That's  a professional reaction for a T - not hoovering and making you doubt yourself and your decision making skills even more. 

Here is a blogpost about narcissistic psychiatrists that might be helpful and validating for you: http://blogthenarcissistinyourlifecom.blogspot.nl/2011/10/protect-yourself-from-narcissistic-and.html

Lovely, I am so glad you got rid of this T - no doubt in my mind that it was a healthy and necessary decision. I am also glad you are writing this letter to finally tell her how you feel and I hope it'll help you heal. 

Write as many more letters to her as you need (...last year I had to write about 5 to my narc GP whose treatment seriously harmed my health and who actively undermined our attempts to choose another family GP (I later heard I wasn't the only patient who had desperately wanted to break free from this GP but I was one who eventually managed it and found a nice and empathic one who has restored my faith in the profession somewhat).

Best wishes to you! kf

I think I'm having more issues with this than the inner critic! Although I would say that it fluctuates between both.  Anyone else?

Yes, yes and yes!

It does fluctuate but the OCr has the louder and more powerful voice... It would be nice to learn effective ways to silence it.

Hello, hope4heart,

nice to meet you on this forum!  So glad you've found us!

I totally understand why the prospect of Christmas with your FOO sends your anxiety levels through the roof. 

Checking into a hotel is a wise choice - gives you a bit more freedom. I've started doing that with my FOO, as well, and it makes dealing with them a bit easier. What also helps me deal with my FOO better is having a little note in my pocket that says: "Do not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain" (I learned about this on Out of the FOG, a sister site to this forum). I am also learning to practise more Medium Chill but have a long way to go still. Here's a thread that explains more about it: http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=31531.0

All this to say, I'm very alone. No friends nearby or even to talk to anymore. Husband is all I have to lean on and fortunately he's remorseful enough to carry the load, but like another poster said it feels like taking advantage somewhat. I dream about another life...that's what I'm clinging to for now.

Thank goodness this place exists!
I hope to find and refill my heart on this journey (Hope4heart).

You're not alone any more. We're all here to support and validate each other. It helps a lot, sometimes just knowing there's someone else who understands is what a person needs most... 

Be very very nice to yourself now and try not to worry about the effect all of this might be having on your kids. I understand your worry but as long as you love them unconditionally and make sure their basic needs are met, you are already doing more right than wrong as a parent. And whatever they might have to deal with later, they won't be alone since they'll always have you on their side to help and support them. 

Best wishes and post all your worries away here! kf

Hi, Wonderwall,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

Your command of the English language is very good, I had no trouble understanding it at all (but then again, English isn't my first language, either  ).

Have you checked out Pete Walker's website yet for ore information on CPTSD? http://www.pete-walker.com/

I am very sorry you had such a horrible time with your mother and also had to watch and endure (physical) harm. That is very traumatizing. I am also very sorry about the bullying you had to endure.  Your aunt sounds lovely and I am glad you found a safe haven with her. 

On the subject of having chosen the wrong field of study: That is very common and it is also very common that you find out about it while abroad. The question is how you want to procede now and I think the first thing you need to be clear on it how far along in your studies you are: If you've just begun (second to third semester), change your study. If you're further along than that, suck it up and finish this one first before moving onto another one that suits your interests better.

The reason I'm saying this is because in the future, you'll be virtually unemployable if you quit when halfway or more down your studies but if you finish this one before starting another in a field that suits you more, your future employers will see strength of character, determination and an ability to finish what you've started. All of these things will set you apart from other applicants in a good way. (Plus, if you've finished one diploma, you'll get credits if you start another course of study). No one cares that you've made the 'wrong' decision but how you deal with it is important for your future.

My other advice is that you talk to your aunt about it, about your reasons for thinking this might not be the thing for you after all and about your options how to procede from here on. She sounds like she'd understand and support you in coming to a decision.

Cheers and best wishes! kf 

My T once drew the image that recovering from CPTSD is like trying to build a skyscraper starting on the second floor: No matter how well you construct it, since there's no foundation underneath, you'll always have to do some ground work as well, every step of the way, to make the new floors safe and sustainable. (She said this in Dutch and in Dutch the image is very powerful since many houses are actually build on wooden poles hammered into the wet and elusive soil)

To answer your question: The feeling of often working on a very shaky foundation is certainly familiar to me. I think it's part of CPTSD - occasionally feeling split, feeling shaky, feeling like you're at two different time zones at once. It's very disconcerting and when I am 'in' such an episode, I feel like I've failed somehow somewhere and like I'm back to square one. So my T taught me to take a 'helicopter view' of my life in such a situation and look back and see for myself that these episodes are actually getting less often and less intense over the years.

I wish I could offer you more than just letting you know that you're not alone. 

Today I've had experience where I feel like I'm partly living in my past and partly in the present.
Part of me feels afraid of some things, while another part feels everything is o.k.

That sounds a bit like your Inner Child is afraid while your grown up self is doing okay.

Have you done IC work yet? Maybe it's a message that you need to address and soothe the fears of the IC with your grown up self?

(I myself am not very experienced in IC work but some others here on this forum have more experience and great tips)

and best wishes! kf

Babysteps - that's how I handle those books.

And lots of 'normal' activities and relaxing chicklits in between the babysteps. 

I have used lavender for My grand children. I started purchasing products under a childrens line that the GD's used. Then I started to buy other products that were cheaper and they seemed to work. They at least calmed down the GD's so they could sleep. Of course maybe it was the warm bath? 

Wow - that's a very powerful combination: Warmth, safe environment and levender scents. Your GDs will probably always/for a long time combine the scent of lavender with a feeling of warmth and feeling safety. The girls are so lucky to have you as a GM (...and you are so lucky to have such lovely GDs  ).

I also love the smell of lavender. Fresh peppermint and citrus scents usually cheer me up as well (small wonder a Mojito is my favorite cocktail ). Cinamon is a powerful and soothing scent for me - guess I combine it with candles, warm baked apples with cinamon and sugar on top and the pre-christmas exitement at my own GMs place when I was a little girl.

Have you thought of herbs that might have a soothing/calming scent?

Herbal teas don't do a lot for me, but scents do.

Hi, morph,

so glad you've landed!  (Your title made me laugh out loud  )

I hope you'll have a great time on OOTS. It is a good place to learn about CPTSD and support each other.

Cheers, kf

Yup, No "idiot thinking" allowed at OOTS!!   New rule.  ha!

We should also get it printed on our coffee mugs to remind us each morning