Jumping in

[parnassuspete]

I am a 63-year-old male in the US and the youngest of the five offspring in my family. I was eight years old when I heard the word "scapegoat" used in a sentence, I asked for a definition and felt a sense of relieve to know that there was a word for how I felt in my family. At eleven it became apparent to me that I was being effectively gas-lit by my family members. At nineteen I was terrified when this thought hit my mind: that when it came down to it, in spite of their words - what would suit my siblings best was for me to be in a constant state of failure and that I should probably move far away if I wanted to survive. This really scared and confused me because I wasn't sure if this was a premonition or just the over-sensitivity I had long been accused of. Within a year I had found a path away and someone to take it with me. We moved just far enough away to be out of my family culture but still have parents be able to visit with only a day's drive. Our life has been an exercise in stability, together now for over forty years. We renovated a home, raised three children and prospered in our careers. I've enjoyed a great life but at this point am completely isolated and ostracized by my family of origin. For the most part three of my siblings managed to grow out of the scapegoating but not my oldest (GC) sister. Her weapon of choice is "traumatic invalidation" (thank you Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT for this spot-on term) and after the second panic attack in her presence I felt forced to go no contact. In 1984 I received a dose when I sought her review of the contract to buy our home (she is a lawyer). This resulted in 15 years of "grey rocking". At the point in time when care and housing for our parents became an issue I relented and put myself back in her sights. Big Mistake. Sad, mad, depressed, angry and living in a constant cycle of "repair fantasy" - I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!! Thank you for hearing me and I do have a very good therapist.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS. I see you are a fan of SNL - such a great show.

So sorry to hear of all you endured and are enduring still. You are in good company here. CPTSD really is the 'gift' that keeps on giving sadly.  You seem to have a really good awareness of what happened to you and know what to do about it. PLus you have a good T which can be hard to find.

Aging parents often cause us to step back into something we know is not healthy for us but we feel as good people we should take part in decisions about their care and dealing with their estate when they have passed. And then we're back in the dance of chaos and gaslighting, etc. 

I do know from experience it is possible to set firm boundaries with a sibling who does not respect you. My NB ran me around in circles until I finally stood up to him when we were in our thirties (yup, took that long). Such a relief not to have to deal with his N behaviour any more. I did the same thing we my NM and ND. My NM behaved herself once she understood what it was she could and could not do.  My NF just didn't have much to do with us from that point until he passed away. That's the way some N's roll.

As you know from experience the best antidote to all the N gaslighting and such family lay on us is to step away if/when you can. It just leaves us

Sad, mad, depressed, angry and living in a constant cycle of "repair fantasy" - I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!

You really don't but I doubt she will stop until you lay down really firm boundaries and/or go low/contact again.

Best of luck!
 

[parnassuspete]

Kizzie, Please explain the SNL part. Sure it's okay but it was a lot better in'76. How did I unknowingly reference it?

[Lakelynn]

parnassuspete,

Welcome to the forum. I am impressed by your youthful resolve and tenacity to escape. Thanks for the new terms, traumatic invalidation and grey rocking. Surviving intact, success in your career and raising children~wow!

No, you don't deserve what you've been getting. You can lay it all out here. Thanks for jumping in. 

[Kizzie]

parnassuspete was a character on SNL played by Adam Driver - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7HD2xG92-0

[parnassuspete]

Thanks Kizzie, Maybe I saw that when it aired, and I appreciate you pointing it out. The screen name is not a reference to this skit, it is the name I have given to a Maple tree that is in my backyard. It also could show up in the title of the book I hope to complete. I encourage anyone to check out references to Parnassus and its ancient origins although it has nothing to do with CPTSD.

[Papa Coco]

Parnassuspete,

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm also a 63 y/o male in the US. I'm number 4 of 5 children, but I lost my little sister in 2008, so now I'm the youngest. Your story sure hits home with me. My family has always wanted me to fail as well. I took the blame for all of their unhappiness. I wasn't smart enough to go No Contact until 2010, while two of my elder siblings were stealing my dad's money and getting me cut out of the will.

So, I resonate with a whole lot of what you said, and I really appreciate the details you put into your introduction. I sincerely hope you find this forum to be as friendly and helpful as I have found it to be. There are some super amazing people on this forum. Being a part of this community has been a big help to me as I learn that there are many people truly DO understand what I had spent my life being sure was unique only to me. I thought I was the only person on earth who experienced what I've experienced. 

And BTW: The gaslighting I took was always met with the same comments that I'm "too emotional for my own good." They would say anything they could think of to make me feel certain that I was misinterpreting their meanness. The goal was to make me believe I was crazy. Sadly, it worked more often than not.

I hope to interact with you some more on the forum threads. For now, I just send a huge, warm welcome to this community.

[parnassuspete]

Lakelynn,
Well, you are welcome for the terminology, but credit belongs to Rebecca Mandeville, Debra Mirza, Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani, Jay Reid, the 2 local therapists and 1 psychologist who brought me to the point of finding a qualified therapist who is trained in recovery from narcissistic abuse. Also, my eighth-grade English teacher who included "tenacity" in his "word of the day" chalk board notes. Truly amazing how many of his "words of the day" became themes in my life...Murmuration?

[parnassuspete]

Papa Coco,
The Mother Teresa quote is very inspirational. Very sorry for your loss. I have to say this: that as I have come to understand my own victimhood, I have also come to understand the innocence of the perpetrators. By and large they are merely doing what they think is the right thing, following in the imprinted veins of suffering so expressed by those who precede us. Passing off the internal suffering that effects each of us in daily life - some many of us are trained by tradition to seek to transfer this to those around us instead of finding healthier outlets. My primary oppressor has been my eldest sister and while I focus and reflect, I think about what experience of trauma may have brought her to be this way I have to remind myself that it may not have happened to her but possibly to our parents or even grandparents. That is how this insidious force works. I say you can't blame the bricks for the wall. Breaking the chain means seeing yourself in the full cycle.
Thanks - you folks are getting me to think really hard about all of this.

[Pisa]

Papa Coco,

Re: " And BTW: The gaslighting I took was always met with the same comments that I'm "too emotional for my own good." They would say anything they could think of to make me feel certain that I was misinterpreting their meanness. The goal was to make me believe I was crazy. Sadly, it worked more often than not."

Oh the crazy-making.... I'm beyond frustrated because I can name the wrongs done to me, and the attitudes of my siblings and parents, but I'm a little stuck in a pattern of over-explaining why everything had fallen apart WITHOUT sounding exactly as they describe me: emotionally unstable, narcissistic, ruminative. There is no way to stick up for myself without feeding the tiger. So the 'going NC' part is my challenge and possibly some day will be my salvation. Until then: feeling totally crazy, and battling endless OCD about why that is. I hope to be talking to others like you who have been feeling crazy, as well. My heart goes out to you. To us all.

[lisaME]

Passing off the internal suffering that effects each of us in daily life - some many of us are trained by tradition to seek to transfer this to those around us instead of finding healthier outlets.

Yes. This. Intergenerational trauma / abuse. For a while, I actually had empathy for my mother. Now that has slid backwards b/c of how she treats me, partly the elderly / memory / dementia issues and partly b/c scapegoat #1 went no contact and I am scapegoat #2.

I'm the only person in my family who got counseling - ever. As soon as I left home and got into a city (college), I found therapy.

Part of me just wants to cut and run and go no contact, but I know that's not healthy as I am going to be going through a divorce too. Just too much.

[parnassuspete]

I said I had a good therapist; it took four tries: Two just plain LPC clinicians and one psychologist all said the same thing after multiple sessions: "you seem like a fairly healthy, well-adjusted 60 something year old man with some generalized anxiety. You seem to have good coping skills and, you have been the target of narcissistic abuse by a sibling". None of these people had any training for recovery from this abuse - not their fault as the pathology is with the abuser. The psychologist told me I would probably have to let go of my FOO. My wife is an LCSW and worked hard to find me someone who is trained in EMDR and this kind of recovery. I've also watched a lot of Youtube videos as credited above. I viewed this one

and can't wait to try it out next time I encounter a random NARC in the wild. I have not spoken to my primary abuser in 6 years although don't you know she was the executer of the estate. She proved to have enough integrity to not steal money from me however I can never trust her again with my self esteem. She seemed to take pleasure in crushing it over and over again. By the way, she is a wonderful human being, and everyone loves her including myself. I just can't allow myself to be in her presence.

[Kizzie]

I hadn't heard of the blink technique but I can see how it would stop you from engaging.  The one I like is don't JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain and the other part to that is to grayrock. It really does throw them off when they can't get you to engage. Another saying I really liked and used when I was at Out of the FOG was "Don't load the drama gun".  In other words don't give them any info about you or those you care about so they don't have anything to cause you to want to fight.

The other thing that's effective is to simply walk away. I like this one the best. I've had too much N abuse and chaos in my life to give anyone who is an N another precious second of my life.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm really glad to hear you have a good therapist and have some good protective mechanisms in place.

Thank you for the video about the blink technique. I discover that I have been using it for some time, though not knowing it is a recognised technique. Not counting the blinks, as such, but in the face of any truly bizarre statements or behaviour from my mother (my FOO are all narcs but she is the arch-narc) I just sit there like a cabbage and stare at her. This has actually reduced her in-person outbursts, but not the ones over the phone because silence is less effective when the person does not have to actually watch you sitting there with a blank stare.

[parnassuspete]

In my lifetime I have had maybe a dozen panic attacks, only two of them brought on while in dialogue with another person, the same person, both times past my age of 50. The first while in her presence and the second while on the phone 460 miles away from each other! Blinking at the phone receiver would have been pretty useless so I quickly excused myself, hung up the phone and made for full body spread-eagle on the floor to breathe it out. She interpreted that publicly as "hostility". My family told the rector at my deceased parents' church that I was too easily "upset" to be included in a memorial to my parents. Before the end of my life, it is my goal to give an educational talk to the members of that church about FSA based on my personal memoir. There's a stake in the sand!