Why do I dread Christmas this year?

[Shearwater]

Christmas have been an important holiday for me, and I have a lot of good memories with the Christmas holidays I spent with my fosterfamily growing up. For some reason I'm sad this December. For the first time that I can remember I have not put up any christmas decorations . I don't want to listen to Christmas music and I have no need to celebrate this year. Now I'm starting to dread Christmas traditions. I  feel like I have to pretend that everything is OK and can't show my foster family that I don't really want to celebrate Christmas this year. Why is it suddenly so hard? I know many people have bad memories from the Christmas and are struggling with this holiday because of that. But I can't really remember any bad memories.  Maybe it's something my body remember or I'm just not in the place where I can take inn all the feelings an expectations this holiday gives me. Just needed to get this out, maybe someone understanding this? Or have som thoughts about this..

[Kizzie]

Holidays, Christmas especially can bring up a lot of emotions around family. Have you ever looked for and/or found your biological family?  Could your sadness have something to do with them?

[Shearwater]

I know my biological parents, and have chosen not to have contact with them anymore. I don't know..  maybe family in general is just difficult for me now. I just feel so alone, like no one in both my families understands me.

[Shearwater]

My situation is that I have a lot of trauma from my first childhood years. I remember a lot, and some stuff I struggling remember clearly. I just don't have any really bad memories from Christmas.. So it confuses me, that this is a problem now. I've been struggling for many years now, and yes I normally get one little breakdown during the Christmas holidays. But this is different, I don't want to experience Christmas at all this years. This year I've worked with a lot of feelings and bad memories from my Childhood in my fosterhome. Is not the kind of neglect I've experienced with my FOO. But a lot of loneliness, criticism, too high expectations and lack of empathy and understanding. So maybe this can be a reason that I dread going home to my fosterfamily and celebrate a sensitive holiday.  I know that if it gets difficult, they can't be there for me and helpe me. And that just makes being sad an vulnerable worse. 

[Kizzie]

It's completely understandable that as you begin to see (and feel) your trauma (first the neglect in your biological family and then "loneliness, criticism, too high expectations and lack of empathy and understanding" in your foster family), you would be reacting more than you used to as Christmas gets closer. It was certainly that way for me and most members here.

Perhaps not putting up a tree or wanting to celebrate Xmas is you acknowledging your sadness and beginning to face your trauma? 




   

[Shearwater]

Thank you for your respons Kizzie. I haven't thought about it that way, but it feels like that can be it. Inside I'm really sad, and maybe that's something I need to acknowledge.

[Kizzie]

It's odd to think of sadness and grief as a positive sign of healing I know, but one of the trauma T's we like here, Pete Walker (who also has CPTSD), believes it's key to recovery. Here's his article "Grieving And Complex PTSD" about this and there's lot more at his site if you want to take a look. 

[Shearwater]

Thank you so much for this article! I'm gonna finish reading it in the morning. Think this is exactly what I need.

[Kizzie]

Good, hope it helps 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi shearwater
Yes Christmas is such a big time in the calender, families, expectations, feelings, unconscious and conscious happenings.
For me it highlights where I am on the social structure of society, the relationships I have and don't have, cptsd symptoms etc.
What I'm realising is it is a great opportunity to really turn to self compassion and self loving talk and hold myself within the chaos..
Sometimes I don't know why I feel the way I do and that is OK.. Maybe it will become apparent maybe it won't all is OK as is..
It's OK to not want to celebrate...
I can do it and not feel it
I can not do it at all
I can do it in my own way
Take the bits I like and leave the rest
Re frame it... I heard someone the other day saying she is just thinking of it as a festival of light and that is helping her a lot

[Boatsetsailrose]

Christmas has got more painful for me as I've faced my trauma more...
But also I'm learning I have choices now..
This year I'm not seeing any foo at all.. So it will be over a Yr now since I've seen them and that is serving me better abait tough at times..

[Shearwater]

Now that the Christmas holiday is over I want to tell how it all turned out. Kizzies article really helped me acknowledge my feelings. It helps to truly feel that my pain is OK, and totally necessary for my recovery.

Boatsetsailrose  “Take the bits I like and leave the rest”, This is what got me true the Christmas day. I told my fosterfamily (which I also call family) that I didn’t want any Christmas music this holiday, they sadly didn’t ask why but in the end they choose some other music to listen to in the living room. I chose not to go in church on Christmas day and went training instead, and it was so wonderful to just do something I like and get a break from the Christmas. Surprisingly this day went very well, preparing myself and putting up a plan that I could live with made the day much easier than I thought it would be. I didn’t mine eating Christmas dinner, and wrapping up present together was very nice.   

For some reason I got a breakdown the day after, it just came over me like a heavy carpet. I couldn’t stand upraised and was filled with emotions. It took some ours to recover, but I noticed that wat made it all better in the end was my tears. It’s like the tears have healing powers.
I’m sad that my family don’t have the ability to be there for me when I’m sad. It doesn’t matter how I express my pain. If I tell them with words that I’m struggling they don’t want to hear any more of it. If I cry around them, they just pretend like my tears don’t exist. It’s like that every time I’m in pain in that house, I end up lying in my bad al alone and feel even more lonely and abandoned. When I’m happy it’s good to be around them, it’s like that’s all they want from me, the good things, the bad things they can’t handle. 

So, after thinking true and feeling all these feeling again, I start to realize that maybe it is this sorrow that made the Christmas so difficult this year. I have never acknowledged this sorrow before. I’ve lived in a fantasy that my FOO was all bad and my Fosters where all good. But the reality is that I never got to be myself with bot good and bad, I’ve never had a family that really recognized me and gave me the opportunity to mourn and get comfort. I grew up all alone inside and had to pretend that everything was ok, I had to put up a cover showing them wat they wanted to see, but I never got the chance to show them me. I never got the chance to cry in somebody’s arms and get the comfort a Child needs  Now I know that I will always be alone in my pain when I’m around my family, and that’s maybe what made Christmas difficult this year.

But all in all, I’m happy that I made it true, and feel like I’m going be OK. I’m going to continue accepting all my feeling ang give me the time to mourn. Happily, I have good days too, and get some breaks from the sadness. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thank you everyone in this forum, it’s helps to know that I’m not totally alone in this. Getting things out hear helps my recovery.

[Not Alone]

Being sad and alone in the middle of family is really painful. I'm sorry that is your experience and that your family is unable to care for you when you are hurting.

[Shearwater]

Thank you for understanding, notalone.