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Well that's half the battle and you can still address the other half even if she hasn't chosen to address it. She knows now you have things to say to her so just my opinion but if you're able, keep going even if it's a bit at a time. 

[clean anger]

It took a very long time for me to understand what Pete walker wrote about in his book; that is, angering is necessary to re-ignite our normal and natural protective instincts that were crushed by our abusers. Since I figured out that out almost always my anger response has to do with someone busting my boundaries, treating me with disrespect and/or demeaning me in some way, I am more often than not much less dysregulated when I am angry because I am in control.

That said, I was quite dysregulated recently by a conflict with someone I did not realize was a covert N doing the whole circular logic thing which my NB did to me and so I was into it and really triggered before I knew it.  Still I did not strike back at the person, but they sure did. Two very appalling emails to me by the person afterward, but I knew by then who I was dealing with, who the responsibility for not mending things belonged to, and not to take any of it personally.

That has taken a long time to learn and feel but Pete was correct IMO that we need to let ourselves be angry but to do so still with respect for the other person and not making things personal. Even if they cannot do the same in return we can take comfort in knowing we are able to manage anger with respect and grace. It feels very healthy I must say and I feel a sense of pride that I do not dysregulate as much as I used to. 

The only thing I need to keep working at is listening to my gut when it tells me there is something not quite right with a person and to back away if possible so as not to get entangled in their emotional chaos. Anger with people like that is nasty and simply can't be fixed like it can in a healthy relationship - too much N injury and rage. 

It's understandable that most of us are afraid of anger - that which is directed at us, and anger that we feel at others. It's all fraught with danger until we learn there is such a thing as clean anger. "Clean anger means finding responsible and appropriate ways to express the anger you feel. It doesn't mean that you are not feeling angry; rather, that you are behaving reasonably, rationally, and safely, and not allowing those feelings to take control."  https://www.realrelating.com/blog/cleananger

And it means if someone is directing dirty anger at us we are able to tell them to stop, that we will not be abused, demeaned, etc. 

parnassuspete was a character on SNL played by Adam Driver - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7HD2xG92-0

BIG hug Phoebes     There may be backlash from her but that's on her, not you. IMO you can gauge the health of a person by how they respond to things like what you're saying to her. Most healthy people will do so with grace, and maybe an apology and an attitude of "What can I do to make things better?"

Those who aren't healthy are likely to lay everything on you and be quite disrespectful. Again, her not you. If she takes it well then you can have a more honest relationship and yay to that right? We all want healthy relationships. If not maybe it's good to know for sure it's time to go your separate ways because you are changing and don't want to be treated as she treats you.

We're here   

Hi and welcome to OOTS. I see you are a fan of SNL - such a great show.

So sorry to hear of all you endured and are enduring still. You are in good company here. CPTSD really is the 'gift' that keeps on giving sadly.  You seem to have a really good awareness of what happened to you and know what to do about it. PLus you have a good T which can be hard to find.

Aging parents often cause us to step back into something we know is not healthy for us but we feel as good people we should take part in decisions about their care and dealing with their estate when they have passed. And then we're back in the dance of chaos and gaslighting, etc. 

I do know from experience it is possible to set firm boundaries with a sibling who does not respect you. My NB ran me around in circles until I finally stood up to him when we were in our thirties (yup, took that long). Such a relief not to have to deal with his N behaviour any more. I did the same thing we my NM and ND. My NM behaved herself once she understood what it was she could and could not do.  My NF just didn't have much to do with us from that point until he passed away. That's the way some N's roll.

As you know from experience the best antidote to all the N gaslighting and such family lay on us is to step away if/when you can. It just leaves us

Sad, mad, depressed, angry and living in a constant cycle of "repair fantasy" - I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!

You really don't but I doubt she will stop until you lay down really firm boundaries and/or go low/contact again.

Best of luck!
 

I like this!

Salter, M., & Hall, H. (2022). Reducing Shame, Promoting Dignity: A Model for the Primary Prevention of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(3), 906–919. https://sci-hub.se/10.1177/1524838020979667

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) refers to the complex psychological and psychosocial sequelae caused by prolonged interpersonal abuse. Contemporary approaches to CPTSD are dominated by individualized psychological interventions that are long term and costly. However, accumulating evidence indicates that CPTSD is a high prevalence mental illness implicated in significant social problems, with a pattern of lateral and intergenerational transmission that impacts on already disadvantaged communities. Consequently, there have been calls for a public health model for the prevention of CPSTD; however, there has been a lack of clarity as to what this should entail.

This article argues that empirical and conceptual shifts framing CPTSD as a shame disorder offers new preventative opportunities. The article presents a series of interconnected literature reviews including a review of available prevalence data on CPTSD, the public health implications of CPTSD, the role of shame and humiliation in CPTSD, and current scholarship on dignity in public policy and professional practice. Drawing on these reviews, this article develops a social ecological model of primary prevention to CPTSD with a focus on the reduction of shame and the promotion of dignity at the relational, community, institutional, and macrolevel. A broad overview of this model is provided with examples of preventative programs and interventions. While the epidemiology of CPTSD is still emerging, this article argues that this model provides the conceptual foundations necessary for the coordination of preventative interventions necessary to reduce to the risk and prevalence of CPSTD.

I did that too Phoebes (write and rewrite) and it's like anything, it gets easier with practice - honestly 

There's a lot of credible info about sleep on the Internet (e.g., Mayo clinic) so maybe Google this?

I agree with BB Phoebes, those are BIG boundary violations. The fact that you recognize that is a big step toward reminding your cousin about what is OK and not. I too think if she is trying to do well by you she will listen to what you have to say and if not it may be best to keep some distance.

WRT to feeling upset at not enforcing your boundaries, maybe think of it like this.  You feel bad when you don't so why not give it a try?  Either way you may feel bad, but IME enforcing boundaries does often feel better with practice so that's the win.

It does take a big breath in to stay true to ourselves because we have been so well trained not to speak up. I understand that it is triggering when we can't bring ourselves to enforce boundaries, or alternatively when we do enforce them and we have hurt someone or made them angry. It doesn't feel like a win either way at least at first. While it is a bit of an emotional smozzle at first, it gets better and easier in my experience.

If she doesn't hear you that's on her not you. And if that's the case, IMO it really is important to enforce boundaries or she will continue on busting them and you will continue to feel badly around her. If she does hear you then you have the chance of a more honest/authentic relationship so it's a win for both of you.

Aww Phoebes, so sorry to hear this. Here is one place you don't need to feel different or uncomfortable. It can be difficult and frightening when you are shifting into a person who is not as prepared to be a people pleaser.  We're OK with you changing so post away and let us reinforce that it's OK and then maybe you can carry that out into your life and it won't be quite as unsettling.

I hope a hug is OK.   

How do you all even try to come to terms with trauma in your childhood if you have no reference points for how it was supposed to be and learned coping mechanisms which blank all feelings about it all out?

Slowly, one step at a time with help from other survivors, a therapist who knows about abuse and neglect and CPTSD, and anyone else who is prepared to support you with compassion, validation and care including adult you helping younger you. As survivors most of us know what life should have been like as as children and because what we went through was diametrically opposed to that we blank out memories and feelings so we can survive. Coming to terms with our pasts is difficult to be sure; part of the solution is to reach out here just like you have done. 

That sounds lovely San.

I love the sounds of all the song birds, frogs not so much.

So friends in warmer parts of Canada are telling me about all the lovely spring flowers, trees leafing out, etc and here we are just growing snow. We do get to be a bit smug during the winter though because we have lovely warm Chinooks that break up winter and teases us that spring is on the way (it's not).

Soon though, soon.   

 

It is lovely isn't it?!