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Hello Everyone,
I have come and gone from this forum thoughout the past several months.  I read some, and then ponder.  I've been coming back more frequently lately, because I feel like I've hit a plateau, and I'm not sure what to do/read/say.  I'm feeling very restless.

The main thing on my mind is my marriage (still).  I have concluded that my FOO made it possible for me to willing enter into this relationship, thinking it was good and "normal".  The thing is, it's not good and normal, but I still can't decide if it's worth hanging in there or not. 

So the question on my mind, as I continue to try to understand this diagnosis, is when/how did each of you start to experience symptoms related to CPTSD?   

My experience is that I did not have any symptoms until maybe a few years ago...and then they were so mild that one would probably not even notice them.  I sure didn't.  It really started when, after an argument with my husband, a "switch flipped", and I haven't felt the same since.  That was when I started having obvious symptoms.

It just keeps bringing me to the conclusion that my husband caused my CPTSD, therefore I need to get out of this marriage.  I did experience trauma in my childhood though, so why did CPTSD lie dormant for 20+ years?

I feel like I have no inner compass when it comes to this.  I've made great strides in other areas, and my compass seems strong there.  I have a blind spot that I'm trying to shine some light one, and thought maybe hearing from others would help.

Thanks!

Great thread!  I'm enjoying all of the comments so much.  Especially like the idea of gentle penetration. Great concept.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with recovery right now. Feels like I have encountered lots of roadblocks and set backs lately.  Trying to purge the negative out, as if I have been infected with something horrible.  I can't figure out how to stay compassionate with myself, and not let the inner critic take over.
I like the idea that going through this now means we won't have to later.  I will try to keep that in mind.  This too shall pass!

Hi findingmyhome.  I can empathize with not feeling at home.  It took a long time for me to make my current home more of a sanctuary.  I'm sorry that you are struggling, it sounds like you are in the midst of a lot of transition.  That can be really hard.

Can you identify some things that you liked the most (currently miss the most) about your old place?  Maybe you could brainstorm some ways to bring that to this house?  I have found Pintrest to be a fun way to collect ideas and sort of daydream a bit.  It has helped me to envision good stuff, and with some ideas out there, it seems a bit easier to implement things, one piece at at a time.

I may not be much help, but i hope that reaching out to this group is a step in the right direction for you.

Best wishes and hugs to you findingmyhome!

Oh it's so comforting and still surprising to me how similar we are on this forum!  It's probably the first time in my life that I am communicating with like-minded individuals.  What a relief!

Thank you Keepfighting, for sharing the link to the other thread.  Sometimes I think, if only the abuse never happened, what could I have become??  But then again, I guess I'm not so bad the way I am, and it's my experiences that made me this way.

I have a general theory (it's probably not my own, but I'm not sure who to credit for it), that when humans experience abundance, whether it be emotional, financial, or simply plentiful food on the table, we tend to abuse IT, because humans are (obviously!!) not perfect.  And it's at times of abundance that times of abuse and dysfunction originate.  Because of the absence of hardships, humans take things for granted and become greedy, or selfish, or narcissistic/vain, power-hungry, because the checks and balances aren't in place, because there is abundance, so why bother. And this causes the tables to turn, and a period of insufficiency ensues.

During the period of "insufficiency" we have the choice of fighting to overcome, or succumb, or maintain status quo.  Unfortunately, if this theory holds any water, it means that hardship is what creates the character necessary to overcome.  It seems to me that lots of us on this forum have the character required to overcome this time of insufficiency, but perhaps it is only because we first had to endure hardship.

Thanks C.!  I'd love to hear your story...I'll try to find it in the welcome and introductions.

When I was in college and started taking psychology and sociology courses my mind opened up to the dysfunctional nature of my upbringing.  Before that I didn't realize how damaging that dysfunction could be.  I also understood how that dysfunction was without a doubt passed from generation to generation in my family, for who knows how long.  Either everyone was to blame or no one was to blame.  What a conundrum.

At the same time I was learning about evolution.  I came to the understanding that the only thing that needs to happen within any species, in order for it to thrive (or not become extinct), was to produce offspring that in turn produce offspring, and on and on.  So, although lots of strange dysfunction may occur within a species, none of it really matters as long as kids are born, and they have kids too. 

My conclusion, with the above information in mind, was that the only thing that will put a stop to my own family dysfunction will be a strong will to do so.  Without that, probably nothing would stop it, and my kids, grandkids, and great grandkids would one day think about how my dysfunction led to their own.  I vowed that would never happen.  From that point forward, I vowed to stop the dysfunction, for the sake of my kids and grandkids. 

So anyway, I thought I had it all figured out.  The day each of my children were born were the two best days of my life! 

When I was told that I had cptsd, I was beyond crushed.  I suddenly wondered if I was even capable of being a good mom.  And wondered if I was in denial that I was actually harming my kids?  It was too much.  I lost my grip for a brief period.

I regained my grip, with new information, and I and my kids have benefitted from it.  I now know what demons need to be fought hardest, and which ones are just a nuisance.  My will is stronger now that I know what I'm looking at.  Before, I was just fighting the ghosts of my childhood, without a clear view of how those ghosts were penetrating my kids life. 

I remain hopeful about the outcome for my kids!

I only experience the startle response when my anxiety level is generally high.  So it is not always there.  I despise it though.  Sometimes its so bad that I startle even when I see people coming!  It is the moment in which my brain registers that someone is coming that I startle.  Silly.

Another part of HSP that I could do without is the remorse/regret/ruminating that happens the morning after an evening in which a few too many drinks may have been had.  In general, my mouth is either a steel trap or a waterfall.  Alcohol ensures that it will be a waterfall.  The next day I regret so many things I've said.  The problem is that I do not believe that in reality I've said anything bad.  But perhaps I've overshared...and it leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable the next day.  I was bullied as a kid, so I don't explicitly trust everyone to not abuse personal information I've shared.  Though with a few doses of liquid courage, and of course my inhibitions about sharing are nowhere to be found.  They return the next day and I regret opening my mouth.  Does anyone else experience anything similar to this?

Actually, on the subject of alcohol, I fear that through this difficult time with my H, I have started to self-medicate a bit.  Not a lot, but sometimes, I just want to turn my HSP mind off.  Is this a taboo subject?  I realize that there are other methods, and I have been employing them at the advice of my psychiatrist, but before I was really aware of what I was doing, I had an overwhelming need to "make it stop".  All the ruminating and sadness and bad feelings in general.  Is this a hsp thing or a human thing?

On Pete Walkers suggestion to learn to love myself, I decided to crochet my own super cuddly poncho.  I travel overseas for work 2x/year, so I have started bringing projects with me for the plane ride and time in my hotel room.  Two years ago I crocheted ponchos for each of my daughters.  Now, when I'm gone, I tell them to just wear their poncho if they miss me, and that it is like a big hug from me.  So I finally made one for myself...a hug from me to me.  I love it.

I can totally relate Morph!  Just the other day my therapist told me that I have had cptsd since I was a kid.  That's a little different than what I thought.  I was thinking it was more like I had a predisposition to developing it, because of my childhood trauma, and that it took a triggering event to show itself.
I guess it's good and bad.  On the one hand, I take that as I will always have it.  On the other hand, for most of my life I didn't even realize that I DID have it.  So it just really wasn't that bad until this past year.  I guess it's a little easier to swallow when I see it that way.

Butterfly,
My understanding is that we are born highly sensitive.  It is a phenomenon in which our nervous systems are actually different (more sensitive) than others.  It contributes to cptsd in that a HSP actually experiences more stimulation from all of our senses, good and bad.
My husband is on the opposite end of the sensitivity scale, so I am reminded all the time how much stimulation never even reaches his awareness.  After an evening together out for dinner, I will have gathered information on most people in the dining room (not on purpose!), while all he is thinking about is the food in his mouth that he had to dump tons of salt on in order to taste it.
It's quite amazing the differences I've noticed.  So when you add it all up, when bad things happen, HSP's experience more of it than non HSP's.

So I saw my therapist yesterday.  It was basically a catch up session.  It was good to see her.  A few things that I realized after posting on here the other day, and then talking about it with her yesterday:

1. My feelings are so depleted for my husband that I can see no other way, than to move on, and
2. The anxiety that I am still feeling on occasion probably has more to do with this fence sitting in my marriage than CPTSD.

So, it seemed for a moment that I had clarity.  I felt grief, because I really think the demise of our marriage is a horrible thing.  But I concluded that I did everything I could.  And that I need to be happy.  The problem still existed that I do not know what the story will be.  I don't think he's a bad guy, but I also don't think I'm so broken that I just can't be with him.  But what is it then?  I need to understand.

And then suddenly, I am reminded that my husband has been telling me for weeks that he and our therapsit think he has ADHD.  And, OMG, now I have to digest this.  I guess I have to really look at this.

Suddenly it seems my CPTSD just took a backseat.  Not only that, but the ADHD could explain what seemed to me to be mild narcissism in my husband.  It also explains why I became so depleted.  And it could all be solved by finding the right meds.

My head is spinning.  This is such a rollercoaster ride.  I was on the verge of doing the thing I have been dreading for over a year, because I could no longer endure, deny, or  wish it away.  The finish line was within view.  And now the story is different. 

Lord help me.

Welcome Kate!  I'd love to hear more of your story as well, when the time is right.

Kizzie thanks for the response.  I understand how my post may have led you to ask that question.  The trouble is that I am having a hard time trusting my instincts.  I will say again that he has never done any physical harm to me or the kids.  He is also not verbally abusive.  The grey area is in regards to emotional abuse...mildly narcissistic vs. highly intelligent/highly functioning NPD?  I can't decide.

I do understand the reason for the overlay, and it does relate to his NPD side, which of course sociopaths like my brother have.

The therapist I am seeing started out as our marriage counselor.  But as soon as she knew of my childhood trauma, she quickly decided that the trauma must be dealt with before any marriage work can be done.  She's fabulous.  I see her tomorrow for the first time since before Thanksgiving.  So I've put my "thinking cap" on in preparation.  The hour goes so quickly that I try to make sure I have a list of items to discuss.

I want to ask her straight out, what her opinion is of our relationship?  But I do not expect a straight answer from her.  I do not think that anyone (except my girlfriends, of course:)) wants to allow their opinion of my marriage sway me.  Oh, and about my girlfriends, I should probably say that they are supportive of my leaving him.  Not in the ,"whatever makes you happy" way, but more in the "it's about time" way.

I am also looking for a wise old soul to tell me that no matter what happens, my kids will come through it OK.  My psychiatrist reminded me when I last saw her of a few truths regarding my kids that I have to try to remember:

1.  Protection is an illusion
2. treating them with respect and dignity (because they can see the lack of love in my marriage) is better than living a lie in order to protect (illusion) them.
3. they are not me

I'm happy that this chain exists.  I'm certain that my HSP contributed so much to my developing cptsd.  And, it's making recovery difficult. 
Loved your first post Cat!

[TRIGGER ALERT]

More on my story..
I want to start by apologizing because it seems I am still very much just looking for validation, and I have not contributed very much to others stories.  I guess I don't feel like I have any wisdom to share, and I worry that I am attention seeking, and don't want to hijack others' stories with my own stuff.

So, with that out of the way, here is more information on my situation:

TRIGGER ALERT I said previously that with EMDR I was able to process two major traumas.  The first one was the trauma of telling my husband that I wanted to separate (as stated previously, we didn't actually separate for the kids sake, but have since slept in different rooms), and the second was childhood abuse related.  It seemed a problem that I was having, which was an unrelenting feeling of being being trapped in this marriage, was connected to both the childhood trauma that I processed and the trauma of telling my husband I wanted to separate.

Quick note on the trauma of telling my husband I wanted to separate: I was so scared and stressed about telling him that I hid his gun.  I was an absolute wreck.  I actually thought he might hurt me, even though he had never laid a hand on me, or even got physically aggressive.

What became clear to me was that my dealings with my husband seemed to be like reliving my childhood with my brother (the abuser).  I became a fawn in both my childhood and in my marriage.

This is why I can't seem to find any feelings for my husband.  The truth is that he is not abusive.  Mildly narcissistic, in am emotionally immature way, but certainly not the sociopath that my brother is.

Is any amount of therapy going to fix my marriage?  I am working on recognizing the fawn behaviors, and becoming more mindful and assertive, and I feel like I am making personal strides.  But if my husband triggered me, and is still unaware of how difficult it is for me to feel strong and good with him, am I fighting an uphill battle that will not be rewarding?

Does anyone else see a similar "overlay" of past people with current people?  Do you believe that one should listen to their "gut" when this happens, or do you think our "gut" needs rewiring? 

I am really struggling to understand the meaning of this situation with my husband.  I go round and round with the following:
1. I'm wounded, therefore I should not leave this marriage before I am at some stage of recovery
2. The marriage is broken, therefore we need to make repairs together and move on
3. My husband is a bad guy, therefore I need to leave.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks everyone!

I will check out the book How We Love.  Thanks for the recommendation.  I am currently reading Pete Walkers book, so yes, that is how I came to the Fawn conclusion.

I agree that I should not make any major life decisions while my past is still controlling my present.  However, I fear that one day my husband will no longer have the patience to wait for me to make a recovery, because his needs have been put aside for too long.  I wonder if I'm just stringing him along, and making this journey more painful than necessary for both of us?  I guess that part of my problem is that I have such a strong desire to feel the love and affection of a man (but not him), and wonder if not filling that void is slowing down my progress?  Can the love and affection from another help speed up the process, or is it just a distraction?  In other words, does all of the healing and nurturing need to come from within me?  From Pete Walkers book, it sounds like a strong and loving partner can help a lot.

I wonder too how I can tap into my past, specifically the parts that I don't remember?  Like I said, I have done EMDR and successfully processed two major traumas.  I have more work to do though.  Seeing family (both inlaws and mine) over this past holiday weekend caused me much anxiety.  The anxiety had been cured for the most part (both from taking mirtazapine and from EMDR).  So what do you do if you don't know exactly what is causing the anxiety?  How can I resolve something from my childhood if I don't know what needs resolving?

I so want to keep making forward progress.  Trying to be patient.