Guilted for Saying No

[BrokenDollMagnet]

In my family of origin, I was the scapegoat. It started very young, and I have forever been asking 'why?' I still want answers and accountability, but, since that won't happen, I went no contact years ago.

I got triggered again. My romantic partner is out of state, helping his mother move. He was gone for two weeks... now three, going on four. His mother is alone in this process, and since he is the homemaker in our relationship, she begged him to come help her. His aunt first flew him out to a funeral and then to his mother's. I will pay for his return flight. I'm ok with this.

Every time he asks for more time, I've said yes. He still needs to sell his junker car and help her pack. Last night, he said it will be at least a week before he'll be done. I asked if he was helping to repair the house, and he explained that the packing is done and his mother has hired professionals to repair the house before she sells it. She wants him to chop up several piles of wood. That's it.

And this triggered heinous emotional flashbacks to when I was still in contact with my family. I was the scapegoat for my narcissistic father.  I always got blamed for everything and ripped to sheds for petty reasons. If I stood up to my father or protested the abuse, I would be dismissed for being a rageful *.

At the same time, my mother and siblings constantly asked for help with money, assets, and professional services. They'd act grateful after each gift, but then always ask for just a little bit more. And I'd give a little more, because that little bit wasn't much, but then something in their mask would slip. I'd find out that their situation was not that bad and they knew that my gifts were a sacrifice for me, but they kept digging and digging for more. Or sometimes they'd abuse our devalue the gift, throw it out, or hurt me in some passive aggressive way.

But when I said 'no' and confronted them on their lies our ingratitude, I'd get the familial tight-lipped disdainful stare as though I had just thrown * at a baby. Then I'd be yelled at or coldly ignored and told I was 'selfish.'

I'd be left standing there in disbelief at how everything I had given, despite how much they had begged and sobbed to get it, was completely forgotten and devalued.

And the passive-aggressive nastiness continued, but it was hard to catch them. Incredibly thoughtless coincidences would happen, but I'd get gaslighted and told I was egotistical to think that a coincidence was really about hurting me.

Then, a few years ago, my brother came to me and admitted that because of a threat I had made when I was in second grade, and because a shared friend in middle school had stopped playing with him, he did hate me and had spent his entire life trying to hurt me in any way he could. He even befriended an ex of mine who I had dumped for attempting to forcibly sodomize a woman. That ex eventually victimized my brother's girlfriend.

The bizarrely petty reasons for my brother's intense loathing were startling. I'd apologized for those transgressions many times as a child. It hit me that, yes, I was indeed the scapegoat. All but one of my family members had followed the same pattern of begging for help, and then bleeding me dry with minute requests, getting furious and condescending when I finally cut them off, and still, no matter how much I gave them, they would exact the most incredibly vicious punishments on me. One sister intentionally sought out and dated a guy who had cheated on me.

Unfortunately, most of my romantic relationships before have ended because the person did the same damned thing. Little requests, smiling gratitude, and when I finally cut them off, they'd rage and insult me.

And I would always be put into they situation where I had no choice but to be the 'bad guy' who cut them off. Two brief exes lost their jobs soon after we agreed to date steadily. They begged me to pay their bills just until they got a job... but they never did try, though they faked it. When I finally said 'no,' I got sobbing fury of "Oh you're so selfish! I don't have a job! I can't pay it. How could you do this to me?!"

No good deed went unpunished. I'm finally in a good relationship, but his staying to help his mother do petty chores and sell his car for a few hundred dollars was a huge trigger. I sobbed all last night.

He reacted very kindly and apologized for not better planning his trip and for triggering me. I want him home, but in my triggered state, I know I would be paranoid and projecting my rage at my past abusers on someone who isn't trying to abuse.

I'm furious at my family of origin. Why was I the scapegoat? Why was I singled out, used, blamed, guilted, emotionally battered, manipulated, and lied to? What did that achieve for them?

I am in so much pain and don't I know how to stop the flashback without expressing rage at the wrong person.

[sanmagic7]

hey, brokendollmagnet,

someone once told me when asking 'why' questions, to leave off the 'why' and what was left was truth.  with those truths, what are the feelings that go with them? 

bombing ourselves with these 'why' questions is so frustrating.  i don't know if there will ever be any answers.   

i hope your partner gets back soon, and you can put your rage and other emotions where they truly belong.   i don't want to see you hurting yourself or someone you care about because of the abuse of the past.  best to you with all this, from my heart.   take care of you.