Sceal's third journal

[Kizzie]

I'm so very glad to hear your surgery went well Sceal, but sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. We all know how hard it is to to be dealing with so much pain so I hope you will post more as we can listen and support you at least. It's not complaining, it's sharing with caring others who understand what you're going through so that on some level you don't feel quite so alone   

[Three Roses]

It's not complaining, it's sharing with caring others who understand what you're going through so that on some level you don't feel quite so alone 

[Deep Blue]

Oh Sceal!
I've missed you so much. I thought of you often while you were away.

I'm glad the surgery went well. I hope that a person to take care of you presents themselves.

Wow 6-7 weeks without contact sounds daunting to me.  I don't blame ya for feeling nervous about it.  Hmmmm Mr. T huh? That's a character in the states. Ever heard of him? It may be worth a laugh if you get a chance to look.

Anyway I don't Want to ramble.  I just wanted to say that I missed you and am glad to hear from you 

[Sceal]

Woah.. I didn't expect so many to reply to me after just vanishing in thin air for so long.
Thank you all for your continued heartfelt support.  (for any who wants one). Thank you all! I have been thinking of you all from time to time, wondering how you've been and hoping you're doing okay all things considered.

Thank you Three Roses, I really needed to hear that I'm not just complaining. That it's okay to share the * stuff too.

Deep Blue: No, I haven't heard of the character of Mr. T from the states. Is he a cartoon? Or a comedian?

Monday today: So two new people were supposed to start today. But no! SURPRISE! it's 3 new people instead! Not being informed of these things really is a problem for me. Logically I know it shouldn't be a problem. I meet strangers on the street and on the bus all the time, and most of the time it's never a problem. But Mr. T helped me see it today that it's the child in me who gets scared, gets uncertain. Doesn't know how to relate to new people. It becomes unpredictable and filled with alot of "what ifs". What if I can't trust, what if something happens, what if it is THAT person, what if they hate me, what if what if what if... I had to take a step back and breathe and realise that the new people are probably more scared of starting than I am of them. My colleagues were very good at recieving them all. I greeted one of them because I was sitting in the lunchroom with the only other staff around in the morning (most of the people doesn't show up until around 10-11ish) when the first new person arrived. It'd just be incredible rude not to say hello. She was harmless, and it went fine. But I had little to no concentration the rest of the day. The staff lady was teaching me something today - but instead of paying attention I just did what she told me - and I learned nothing. I told her so, she said it was okay not to worry about it.  The other two I tactfully just simply avoided. Which is probably just increasing my unease and delaying the inevitable.

I left early today because I had an appointment with mr. T. It's always very helpful talking to him. He brings in so many different perspectives and asks really hard, pointed questions. Not to make me feel uncomfortable, to challenge my thinking and see if it's something I can change.
I voiced my frustration about the sentence "It'll take time", or the variations of it. I feel it's so f* stupid to tell someone that it'll take time when they are struggling. As if we don't already know that! As if this is a brand new thing that's happening. It just feels like the person on the other end isn't listening, doesn't care. And it hurts. If they aren't in the mood to listen - that's fine. but just tell me that instead.

I'm so tired today. I just finished cooking dinner.. but I'm not sure I have the strength to actually eat it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

nice to have you back. 

that phrase 'it'll take time' is actually one i tell myself.  it's because i'm often impatient w/ my recovery, want it to go faster, want myself to be better sooner, so it's a way of telling me that it's ok to slow down, allow the process to unfold, that if i give it time, everything will unfold like it's supposed to.  i'm not trying to deny your experience w/ that phrase, just letting you know that it's been important, at times, for me to hear it and heed it.  sometimes i get in my own way.

it kind of sounds to me like you're beginning a new chapter now.  i give you a lot of credit - before surgery, after surgery.  the whole idea of surgery, what went before, what led up to it, everything surrounding it took up a lot of your time and energy.  that's out of the way now, and, altho there may be maintenance or rehab because of it, it doesn't proclaim quite the same space in your life now.  progress!

love and hugs to you, sweetie. 

[Deep Blue]

I hear ya Sceal!
I have often found myself wishing that life was like Harry Potter. I wish I could just use a magic wand and that my trauma never happened, or even that I didn't remember them.

One of my friends was assaulted but she was knocked out during the attack.  I felt a pang of both jealousy and then guilt for feeling that jealousy. She said she is grateful she doesn't remember it. 

Anyway just letting you know I feel similar quite a lot 

[Sceal]

To San;
Your perception of "it takes time" sounds far more kinder and open minded than mine. But I am not quite there where I am capable of seeing that sentence in another light. Hopefully when I have grown some more.

Deep;
That is a question I have asked myself often over the years. And I dont really have an answer, mainly because... If I removed everything that happened... Then who would I be then?

I have my last session with Lady T before the holidays today. I feel alot of things I notice, but I don't actually know what these things are. And that's adding secondary emotions on top. Frustration for not being able to understand the signals within me. No one else can tell me what I am actually feeling.
I am trying to think the kind of questions Lady T or Mr. T would ask me.. but im drawing at a blank.
Its unpleasant that's all I know. And I don't even know why I am feeling this way.. maybe then I would have some kind of clues as to what it is I am feeling...

[Sceal]

The previous session I told Lady T that the depression had lifted. She had asked me alot about why I thought that was, and I had given her answers. The thing is though, it hadn't lifted. I just had a few days of relief. So I had to tell her today that I took it back, the depression wasn't gone. It was still going on. It's not a deep down in the gutters depression. I'm not suicidal and neither am I doing any SH, at least not conciously that I am aware of.  We talked alot about what depression is, that it's a sickness. I told her I'm worried I'm just lazy, that I just aren't putting in the effort and hiding it away in a "depression". She asked me if I felt lazy whenever I'm not depressed. I told her it's not really something I think about when I'm feeling alright. She said she think it is a thought that often comes when one is sick. Even she gets that feeling when she gets sick, even if it is just a really horrible cold - she can feel that she is super lazy for not going to work despite everyone telling her to be at home and that she's not able to actually get up and do stuff. She still feels lazy, and when she's sick that becomes The Truth. The existence of when she's healthy and productive and active doesn't exist for her in that moment. She was using it as an example to try and convince me that maybe I'm not actually lazy - but that the thought comes as a result of the sickness. It's a doubt that's feeding it, and making me feel worse and pulling me down. I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't say such things about herself, she's hardly lazy! But I realized, that wasn't her point - so there was no need for me to actually comment on that. It would be changing the topic over to her, and that's not what I am there for.

She also confirmed that right now I am not in control of my own finances (in the sense that I don't have an impact on or or have a chance of increasing it) and that I am not in a position where I can move out of my housing. And that it's not a process that I can influence right now, or when there will be changes made - a process that I can influence at all. Which both hurt, but also - it would have annoyed me if she had sugar-coated it and said "it'll be alright in the end, just be patient". It made me cry when she told me I still have to wait. It feels awful not being able to be in control or have any way of influencing these kinds of big situations in your life as an adult. Even more now than when I was a child, because I understood as a child and teenager I would have to wait until I became an adult. But I am an adult now, and still... I have to wait.

I don't want to complain. Because I am fortunate, the rent is low. And I get to live with someone who cares about me. Someone predictable, and someone kind. The fact that we can still share this one-bedroom place helps me alot financially - gives me the little extra each month so I can save up and visit my friends abroad. Or to be able to purchase my art-supplies for work. I am also fortunate that I live in the country that I do, and have the health-care oportunities that I do. But I long for a place of my own. A place where I can control when and if I want to be social. When and if I want to get out of bed or if I want to dance around on the floor like a fool. If I need utter silence, or if I need music to drown out my thoughts. Which I can keep clean, if not tidy. A place that I feel at home. I've longed for a place to feel at home since I was 14-15 years old, a place where I feel safe to be me. All of whom I am. The good, the bad and the ugly without judgement. Without feeling observed, watched. Or without having to report in, or having to say "good morning"

[Blueberry]

Hi Sceal,
It's good to see you back  even if things aren't perfect.

I tend to tell myself I'm lazy when I'm stuck in the middle of a depression too. In my case, I think it's an EF. I was berated for being lazy, not 'pulling my weight' etc when I was severely depressed as a child. And/or it's the Inner Critic.

[Not Alone]

Monday today: So two new people were supposed to start today. But no! SURPRISE! it's 3 new people instead! Not being informed of these things really is a problem for me. Logically I know it shouldn't be a problem. I meet strangers on the street and on the bus all the time, and most of the time it's never a problem. But Mr. T helped me see it today that it's the child in me who gets scared, gets uncertain. Doesn't know how to relate to new people. It becomes unpredictable and filled with alot of "what ifs". What if I can't trust, what if something happens, what if it is THAT person, what if they hate me, what if what if what if...

New people are hard for me too, especially if it is unexpected. I just had that situation this week. It turned out okay, but I felt the stress of it and I think I went through the day partly dissociated, then spent a couple hours curled up in a ball.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweetie,

i, too, know that self-berating about being lazy when i'm sick or too stressed.  i was raised in a part of the country where the work ethic was a high priority.  it became ingrained, part of the culture, that you work hard, go the extra mile always, when it came to being productive.  my mother used to show off the calluses on her hands as if they were badges of honor.  i get what you're saying.  unfortunately, that drive to be doing something constructive, not to be a 'wuss' just cuz i was sick was ultimately my downfall.

when i got sick enough that i actually couldn't work anymore, i had to change how i thought about all that.  it came to the point, however, when i got comfortable being sick, afraid to be well because of the expectations that i perceived would be put on me to get up and work at things again.  believe me, it was a difficult time trying to rearrange my way of thinking so that i could allow myself time to heal and become more well, and know that time for recovery was also a time of work, just in a different way.  plus, the idea that i could say 'no', go at my own pace, and leave the expectations behind was a job all its own.  whew!

i totally feel for your frustration w/ not having control over some major stuff in your life.  i get it.  that idea of not having to say 'good morning' - yeah, i hear you!  i have to smile cuz i've felt that way many, many times in my life.    thank you for sharing all this.  it helps me, even now, to remember that my pace is important for me, and i'm not alone in some of my thoughts.  love and hugs, sceal.

[Sceal]

New people are hard for me too, especially if it is unexpected. I just had that situation this week. It turned out okay, but I felt the stress of it and I think I went through the day partly dissociated, then spent a couple hours curled up in a ball.

It went okay for me too, but I'm still anxious around them. I try to be friendly and welcoming, but I go more quiet during lunch these days and often hide behind my phone or leave early.  I more or less fell asleep at work today because it exhausts me so much.

[Tee]

 

[Sceal]

Tee: 

San: Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, and your similar experiences. I know I am not alone in feeling this way, but I'm not quite sure it helps me.

A friend of mine told me he is frustrated on behalf of me, due to my living situation.
Each time I complain about it, I feel so intensely guilty. Because my ex isn't a bad person, it's not about him at all tbh. I just want to move on, I want to be able to breathe at home.  I've longed for a place of my own, one I can build into a home-home since I was a teenager. Strangely enough now, the place I feel the most at home is the area surrounding my childhood home. I love the nature there so much, it almost hurts visiting knowing I'm only there for brief visits.


*Trigger warning?*
.

There's an online friend of mine, I've known him since 2014/2015 sometime. And I know he's been crushing on me on and off. But I've never been remotely attracted to him in any kinds or forms. And quite frankly it's uncomfortable for me when he starts flirting. I've tried to end the conversations when he starts, deflect, change subject. Last week-end he got a little sexualized.  I told him I'm an asexual and not even remotely interessted in where this was going. He asked if that was a recent devellopment. It's not. I said it took me a while to figure it out, and then to get comfortable with the thought. But no, it's not a new thought. I didn't tell him that I'm most likely asexual due to my past, but it doesn't matter. He kept asking and prodding and wondering, and pushing the subject. Asking if I felt like I was beginner at sex and relationships. Tbh, I find that a really rude question. Just because I'm not into sleeping with him or even entertaining the fantasy of such that doesn't automatically mean I'm a beginner. (I'm getting worked up again over this, by writing about it).  It was an hour long conversation where I had to keep telling him I'm not interessted. I even said those exact words. It doesn't interesst me. I don't care about sex.
I think I'm still feeling upset and insulted over it. he has this idealized image of me, of someone who he thinks I am. And I'm not whoever he thinks I am. He's always made assumptions. And it makes me feel off. I'm not this person.
The good thing of this is though, I stood my ground. I kept repeating I'm not interessted. I didn't fake some interest, I didn't deflect, I didn't just not answer. I even told him in the end that this is the last I want to talk about this topic, because it's starting to bother me and I'm just NOT INTERESSTED!
I get that it's weird, or unusual. But I don't care. I shouldn't have to defend my sexuality, or lack there of to a guy on the internet - or to anymore.
Now that I think of it, I don't think I'm going to engage in this friendship any further. I'm not going to reach out.

*Trigger warning End*

I fell asleep at work today. My boss caught me, but she didn't say anything until I said I was leaving work early. I wonder why she didnt' wake me up.
But I felt so drained. Came home and lay down on the sofa and listened to the silence. Then after dinner I went out and played a little of the new harry potter mobile game.

I feel somewhat sad and down. I'm not sure if there's any good reason for it, other than the fact I'm not thriving at home.

Tomorrow I have gynecological exam. I'm scared shitless. Last time, 3 years ago, she had to send me to the gyno. rather than doing it herself (my GP that is).  And the gyno had to re-do the test a second time too. 3 times and all tests came back unreadable. I dread the humilliation, I dread the flashbacks, I dread the pain. I'm going to use some anti-anxiety pills tomorrow. Hopefully it'll calm me down enough. Maybe I'll double the dosage. Better to get it over and done with.

[Tee]

Hugs sceal you don't have to justify yourself to anyone that's just messed up.  But good for you for standing up for yourself.

Yeah I just refuse to have those exams right now.  I know I should but they are too triggering and I don't have a family history so I opt out. My doctor isn't happy about it but it's my body and my mental state.  That's one thing that I can control and say more in good. good luck tomorrow I hope it goes well and is readable quick and easy.