Messages

1. I got offered a new job!
2. I had a great meeting with my mentor which has really helped me to get a different (less personal) perspective on getting fired
3. I haven't drunk in 5 days

(4. It's sunny here for a change)

You're not alone silver_lining - we hear you and love you (hugs)

I can hear your shame and self-judgement and how much you're hurting. I'm so sorry. It sounds incredibly stressful. I don't know that I would have been able to show up for my SO's friend's funeral the way that you did. You are very courageous.

For right now, please focus on taking care of yourself kindly if you can. There's time later to look back and decide if you need to do anything about what happened.

FWIW: dissociating is a type of 'flee' response to trauma (it's one of the four Fs that Pete Walker describes: fight, flight, freeze, fawn - http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm). I've done it a lot, and there are parts of my teens that I just can't remember. After years of therapy I still do it from time to time in sessions with my T, and after many years I can now start to catch that I'm dissociating and interrupt it. Some things that can help with dissociation, that my T does if seeing me start to, is to feel your feet on the ground, the chair under you, the warm/cool air around you, etc.  Some people like to put weighted things on their feet or lap or belly, and as Blueberry mentioned there are many grounding techniques available.

As far as I understand, dissociating from time to time, or even for a period of time is quite different to DID. This not-for-profit's website has some descriptions I like of CPTSD and DID. I like their approach because they're an organization dedicated to helping DID and CPTSD survivors and their empathy and caring comes through in every blog post (if you're interested, here's the link: https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/didmyths).

I don't mean to preach or overload you with information. I can hear how frightened you are and how bad this feels. Please take care of yourself. This too will pass.

Thanks Blueberry!

Today:
* I went to a yoga class
* I drank lots of water and herbal tea
* I took myself out for lunch

Thank you AphoticAtramentous and DecimalRocket for your kind words.

Here are my three for today:
1. I talked with a very senior/established person in my industry who helped me realize a bunch of things about my career. I'm grateful that a) this person was available to me, and b) they gave me a bunch of positive feedback about work/my career and I was able to hear it for a few moments before the inner critic jumped in.
2. I saw my T today and even though we haven't yet had time to address a big issue between us, I still felt ok in the session and got some support from it. Maybe I'm coming out of a big abandonment EF too ...
3. I didn't self medicate with alcohol or food today.

In the last 24 hours:
1. I showered and changed my sheets
2. I followed up some calls I'd been putting off
3. It's sunny after grey gloominess for days

Thank you Blueberry for your caring, supportive response. You're right I do have a dog and it's helpful to have him. He definitely shows love even if we can't communicate the same way humans do.

I was able to shower yesterday, which is good - small steps, right? Today I left the house to get him some meds. And a couple of days ago I spoke to my T telling her about feeling abandoned by setting the boundary. She suggested it would be a good thing to work through together, which is probably right.

Thanks Kizzie, it sounds like changing the account name is probably the easiest for all concerned - I'll do that shortly.

Firstly: i had to create a new account. I forgot the password for the other one, and never received the password reset email. I apologise if this is a violation of the rules. I also apologise for this triggering anything in members here. So it's me, Habitude, with a new account name - same person.

(Mods, if you'd like to archive this account I understand. I've tried to remember my original account password so many times over three weeks and failed. And I couldn't find any way to contact anyone without having an account ... by which time I've gotten so bad that I couldnt wait.)

Update on where I am now. 

A few weeks ago my T told me not to call her so much, and that when I do I need to have a specific ask for how she can help. Since then I've been degenerating. I started drinking at home alone: after 7 years sober I had a drink at a bachelorette party, and had been having the occasional drink outside the home for a few months, but one of my rules was never drink alone. This is a full on relapse for me. And I was starting to feel that I wasn't actually an alcoholic but that I'd been put into a box by well-meaning healthcare workers, who know nothing of CPTSD. Every time I drink I feel guilty and ashamed after. But it does help me momentarily to stop feeling all the shame around being fired.

I know that my T's pronouncement has triggered all sorts of abandonment feelings. I haven't been able to talk to her about that. T has gone from telling me to 'call if you need something' to 'you can handle this on your own'. I haven't been able to make it out of the house to see T for two weeks, and T has taken a few days to see if I'm ok; I know that T has own life and can set boundaries etc, but I still feel abandoned.

At the moment it's like my inner child has taken over and adult me is AWOL. 

I haven't had anything to do for days, and without adult me showing up, all those self care things have disappeared: yoga, eating well, meditation, getting out of the house, getting dressed, bathing ... Looking for a job is almost impossible: it will open me up for self judgement and the judgement of others, and I honestly don't think I can tolerate it.

I have no real friends here (a few overseas), and I'm loathe to share what's really going on with the few I have (they're in the third circle, using Pete Walker's model of friendships) in case they too abandon me. I couldn't handle the rejection now. Plus, this time of year there's a lot of family/friends events going on and I don't have any to participate in. I feel alone most of the time.

I even emailed my BPDs the other day after over a year NC - kept it to birthday wishes, nothing heavy. I haven't heard back of course: my family has a long history of using silent treatment as punishment.

I hope this isn't too much for anyone here. I feel I just need to get it all out, and journaling never works for me.

I'm going to try this here to keep myself accountable. Here goes:

1. I created an account here to participate after lurking forever
2. My dog is sleeping next to me and just sighed contentedly
3. I unloaded the dishwasher

I'm in Seattle and I've also been looking for support groups.