Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

Sending you lots of support Rainy for this difficult time of year and all you have on your mind about the ways you have been treated and abused in the past. I'm sorry about what happened with your past boyfriend. Though you didn't include specifics from my own experiences those incidents that skirt a line between something considered illegal and something considered something less than illegal can be very very harmful and difficult and still traumatizing, while being confusingly gray. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I think I often live so much in anxiety I don't always acknowledge depression in myself and right now depression is more present.  Or maybe it's always there and I am just embracing it now.  I think that person from my past was a form of self harm and while what he did is not excusable, I think I get stuck on why I felt compelled to do that.  I am feeling loving toward that self and not blaming, just also sad that I felt driven to put up with abuse.
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I wanted to name that as I pour out a lot into this journal, I am afraid others will read and be turned off.  I am judging myself for all that I'm putting here.  I've also been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory and find that I give myself a hard time for new things I learn (like oh great here's another thing). 

I think what really gets to me though is that stuff from the psychology and related fields is so focused on the mind.  The vocabulary used really gets under my skin (which I brought up in a post about the word "desensitize").  That is a topic I am simmering on, but the words we use matter so much and I think a lot of words get thrown around without much thought of their origin and the impact they have. 

Of late I have taken to imagining the future where I am established in a business and being asked to give talks at support groups.  I am judging myself for doing this, but it is something I do. 

In one such imagination, I began to consider how I often attribute some things about myself to innate qualities within me (like being an introvert).  While that may be the case, I also haven't really explored the role my lived experience has played in how I act and things I do.  Or I should say, I haven't considered it from a place of the value it has brought. 

For instance, I am hypervigilant.  My hyperviligance tends to pick up on the emotions and states of being of others.  I am very intuitive and think I read others rather accurately even if that freaks me out and I don't want to acknowledge my read (like all the bad feelings I was getting in my last job before it all blew up).  I think the value hypervigilance has brought me is that I ask a lot of questions and consider a lot of information.  In some ways this is such a gift.  I plan to contemplate this some more. 

I am feeling strong but also stuck.  This time will pass and I will come to the other side of whatever is going on.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Thanks for pointing that out  I am a bit all over the place right now and can relate in not knowing what to feel in the lead up to Christmas.

I'm sorry as well that you had that experience with the past relationship. Also relate to picking up on the emotions of others. After reading the book on empaths I did a bit of googling and there is a correlation between people who went through trauma as children showing higher levels of empathy as adults.

I'm glad that you're getting some time to spend with yourself and name your feelings no matter how hard they are. It sounds good that your brother reached out to you. Maybe there's some support there regarding how your parents were growing up.

dolly

[Larry]

hi rainy,  i learn so much from reading your posts,  thank you,  i hope you have a good day today

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you for your response.  I appreciate the thoughts on empathy.  The shift I am working on is hopefully to be more intentional and not just do things because of repetition compulsion.  I'm not sure I'll be able to do that fully.  I think my brother and I will grow closer over time, I hope.
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Larry, thank you for the compliment.  I hope your day goes well too.
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Last night woke I up around 2 am in an EF. 

I noticed my thoughts going to past chosen relationships with guys.  That was a very painful journey. 

I feel like my mind did generate some patterns and conclusions which I don't recall right now. 

I will spend some time when I feel up to it thinking back over those people and situations and see what comes.

We'll see what today brings.  I have things I hope to do but nothing I must do. 

[Not Alone]

I wanted to name that as I pour out a lot into this journal, I am afraid others will read and be turned off.  I am judging myself for all that I'm putting here. 

I am so grateful for what you share in your journal. I relate to a lot of what you share. Not only that, I care about you and care about your struggles and your dreams for the future. Even though we've never met in person, I feel like we are friends.

[paul72]

In some ways this is such a gift.  I plan to contemplate this some more.

I really love this rainydiary , and to be honest that is when I feel the best.... when I can see what I thought were just different things about me as gifts.
I want to bottle that feeling up to keep, but I haven't been able to, yet ...I hope you can!!!

Thank you for sharing and I hope you have a beautiful day.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate you responding to that specific section.  I value and care for you too and think we can have all kinds of friendships.  Thank you. 
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Paul, thank you, I'm glad that resonates.  I think that I forget that just because things hurt or have hurt doesn't mean there isn't value in some of it. 
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I am being reminded of how unpleasant last evening was as my day takes a turn.

This morning was relatively chill - my husband and I both did our own things which I appreciated being able to get things done on my to do list that are important to me to do.

My husband and I seem to be in a space of misalignment and I think we are just triggering the heck out of each other.  He has been especially on edge of late and I don't fully understand why.  Perhaps I have been too if I am honest.

Last night we were supposed to go see some holiday lights at a garden near us.  I honestly don't know why he bought the tickets.  I think he did it to please me.  As the time approached, the tentative plans we had made were thrown out the window and he begins suggesting all of these ridiculous things which I interpreted to mean he didn't want to go.  I got mad and did not handle myself well.  I apologized later but think all that did was place all the blame on me.  In the future, when he makes random suggestions for things I know he won't want to do when the time comes, I should say no.

We ended up having a pleasant evening at home if you remove the lack of connection and communication.   

Today he is getting a new car.  He's been stressed about it and I hope it all works out.  We talked about what to do for dinner and he agrees to something but then makes a comment, "That's just what I wanted, to make my new car smell like...".  That just gets to me.  In the past I would have not said anything but today said, "It sounds like you don't want to get that for dinner."  Then he starts in on how he's just joking.  Which he's not.

I continue to feel vulnerable as I do not have my own car and I don't really enjoy driving his because of all these things he has about cars.  My car is getting closer but isn't here yet.   I am noticing he seems to hold a different standard for his own car versus ones he drives.   

I thought about last night when I woke up in an EF.  The overall feeling that came to me in my relationship to people I have been attracted to is "DUPED."  I read a post today online about someone talking about being in a relationship when you have experienced trauma.  I did not have good teachers in how to be in any relationship with others and all I see and feel now is the vulnerability that has put me in. 

I also am really wanting to take responsibility for myself and how I show up in the world.  I have been really upset with myself for how much I avoid and how much my lack of honesty probably sets me up to be taken advantage of.  It's hard to be kind to myself right now. 

[Not Alone]

In the past I would have not said anything but today said, "It sounds like you don't want to get that for dinner."  Then he starts in on how he's just joking.  Which he's not.

I'm afraid I couldn't find the website, but one of the articles that I read about people with avoidant personality said that if another person calls them on something, they say, "I was just joking." My H uses that protective/avoidant wall.

[Armee]

 

Remember...even if things you did, like maybe avoid conflict, allowed abuse to continue, you are not the one who did the abusing. Someone else did that to you and that is not your fault. Avoiding conflict does not make you at fault for being abused. That lies with the abusers.

[Larry]

hi rainy,  i just wanted to say you are a beautiful person. 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate the support on avoidant types.  I've been looking at a site called The Attachment Project.  Right now I'm trying to focus on my attachment (mostly anxious I think).  I bought a workbook from them and started on it today.
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Armee, I appreciate the reminder.  I am trying to consider that I am being reflective about myself and aiming to grow in ways that help me feel better in my life.
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Larry, thank you for saying that.  I appreciate your support.
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I wasn't going to write today as I have been trying to relax and not think as much.  But I have had some reflections I would like to write out.

Yesterday after I posted, I tried to talk to my husband about my concerns.  I noticed something though: I tend to frame things in terms of his experience.  I frame things in a way that lets him off the hook of needing to find words to describe his own experience.  Today we were trying to solve a problem and during our problem solving, he sort of tripped over a blanket and pillow that has been on the floor for months for our cat.  He exaggerates his trip and right away I respond by moving the blanket.  It occurred to me after I did it: "If he wants it moved, he can move it."

I have been feeling pretty upset that I do these things (and have been doing them for a very long time).  Awareness is important and in the future I can hopefully choose differently. 

I've been working on a self love journal I bought and have found it difficult.  I decided today to start going through an attachment workbook I bought. 

I'm getting stuck on my judgments of the "founder" of the workbook company.  I'm also getting stuck based on past things I've read or think I know about attachment theory.  I did appreciate that the workbook mentioned that the attachment types can be seen more continuums as we don't exactly or necessarily fit neatly into one category.  I'm trying to consider what I could gain from going through the workbook and plan to keep going.

A reflection I had after reading through background on the foundation of attachment theory and descriptions of the areas was that I am sad.  I'm sad that my bond with my parents is the way it is and the long term impact that has had on my life.  I'm sad because it led me to marry someone that I continue playing out past hurts with.  A heavy thing I carry right now is the worry I made a mistake and married the wrong person.  Another heavy thing I carry is sadness over how I have acted toward others. 

This week will be very interesting.  I'm hoping to make it to next Sunday with as little pain as possible.  I will be at my home on Monday and Tuesday then plan to head toward my parents' home on Wednesday.  We plan to leave there to come back home on Sunday. 

[rainydiary]

I am exhausted and on edge today.  Some of it is hormonal, some of it is stress.

The past few days my husband has been claiming to have a sore throat and sort of implying he thinks he might have COVID.  I've been getting more and more annoyed with this because I don't believe he has COVID and because it is popping up close to the time of leaving to see my parents. 

What he doesn't understand is that:

1. When he acts like this, all I can think is how he is acting narcissistic like his dad pretending to have skin cancer while his brother is actually dying of cancer

2. I have already set in motion a lot of things with my parents which could have been avoided if we had just decided to spend the holiday together in our own home and that cancelling on my parents creates other dynamics

3. If it was reversed, he would not cancel on his parents

4. I personally believe this is more about us not choosing the "correct" way to spend Christmas which is Christmas with his immediate FOO

I had ordered an at home COVID test and let him use it.  Of course it said he was negative.  I believe he has a sore throat - it has been exceptionally dry where we live and he has been especially stressed.  There are many reasons we could have a sore throat. 

I did contact my parents this morning as I felt obligated to let them know my husband is potentially I'll.  They expressed understanding, but good grief. 

[rainydiary]

We will be heading to see my parents tomorrow. 

I've felt emotional all day and cannot fully say why.  I've had strong, weird dreams the past few nights. 

We watched a show recently where a girl was in a relationship and pretended to be ok with how casual the guy was about it.  He ended up hurting her and she stood up for herself.  Her dad was also there and he stood up for her too.  The scene made me cry.  It will be something I think on. 

I am worn down and I am in a place where I wish I was a different person. 

I don't like how constantly dissatisfied I am with things.  I don't like how mistrusting I am of everyone and everything. 

I hope that myself and all of you here take it one step at a time the next several days with gentleness and kindness toward ourselves. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that things go ok for you when you see your parents tomorrow, and I'd like to wish you a safe journey.   

I like your suggestion of taking one step at a time in the next several days with gentleness and kindness towards ourselves. 

Hope