Rainy Diary 2021

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

I'm celebrating with everyone else for those same reasons. I like this one too:

I'm glad I spoke up because they weren't aware of the things I was told by my colleagues and they did not agree with what I was told.  They agreed that it seemed like my colleagues were trying to control me.

A two way street within a meeting is a plus! 

[rainydiary]

Notalone, Jazzy, Armadillo, Libby, and BeeKeeper - thank you for all of the support and encouragement.  It is nice to have a celebration.

I am feeling a little less overwhelmed today by what I did.  I think the key is that people in a position of leadership saw controlling behavior too and will help address it.  I am not alone in dealing with this which is how I felt before.  I am finding it easier to relax today as they validated me.  Both of them guessed that I hadn't had a very good time since that meeting in May with my colleagues.  They reminded me that this isn't mine to fix and that I don't have to own what happened. 

It is so challenging that we do need others to help us gain perspective.  I am wondering about trust.  I think trust is less constant than I want it to be.  Depending on what another person is dealing with and how they are on a given day and in a moment, they may not be able to offer what I might need and vice versa.  I will have to think on this more.

Last night I had a dream about someone from my past.  This happens from time to time - they are always a welcome presence in my dreams.  It was initially a comforting dream because this person means a lot to me.  Then it became distressing because there came a point in the dream where I couldn't find them anymore.  This often happens when they are in my dreams. 

I find myself wanting to make meaning of these dreams and of this person's role in my life.  Mostly what comes up is grief and the awareness that when I make a choice, other options aren't available.  It's just a confusing thing that leaves me feeling sad.

[Jazzy]

Hi Rainydiary,

It sounds like you are making progress and learning more and more about yourself. That's excellent! 

I'm sorry that you feel confused and sad. Those certainly aren't nice feelings to have.

when I make a choice, other options aren't available.

This has been on my mind lately as well. I try to avoid choices like that, answering "both" whenever I'm given two options. I realize this isn't always possible, but it's possible a lot more often than I previously believed.

I hope you find a way to minimize the loss in your life, and become more comfortable when those unavoidable losses do come.



<3 Jazzy

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate your thoughts.   

I am exhausted today after a very long run and a yoga teacher training. 

For some reason I was remembering how my mother didn't believe me when I told her I couldn't see the board in 5th grade.  It took a whole year and I'm pretty sure a note from my middle school before she believed me and got me glasses.  I remember the nurse in 6th grade kind of taking it out on me saying "How can you even see the board?" 

I think this memory is coming up because it is part of the whole not being believed when I speak up. 

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry, Rainydiary! This is a difficult thing, and it certainly shouldn't have been taken out on you.

I think you're right about the memory. I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed, but I'm glad you are processing it now.

<3 Jazzy

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

Not being able to use a sense is frustrating, limiting and builds up anger. Your assessment of the memory being accessible due to overall feelings of not being taken seriously fits perfectly. I had assumed only certain kind of mothers neglected their children's needs. Not true. This opened my thinking in a big way.

I can relate to your dreams of having people return then losing them in the same dream. That's so distressing. Focused self-compassion on awakening helps me a little bit.

The willingness to make a stand, be seen, heard and felt, is empowering. It changes everything, inside and out.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy and BeeKeeper, I appreciate your words and will come back and process more. 

I am currently participating in a class for my yoga teacher training and I notice it unlocking a lot of feelings.

My mom has been texting me pictures of my brother and his family today.  At first I thought the pictures were sent to her by my SIL.  Further pictures indicate that my brother and his family are visiting with my parents. 

So many thoughts coming up.  Why is she sending me these pictures?  Is it a passive invitation to be there?  Is it to share?  Is it to remind me of something?  I just don't understand.  It is hurting me for some reason. 

My thoughts have been with my siblings lately so maybe this is just pressing on that.  We haven't figured out how to maintain relationships with one another as we've grown up.  It is hard.  I'm not quite sure what it is I want in my relationship to them.  Just seeing my siblings brings up a lot of pain.  I think the same is true for them.

Today I am reminded of how much of a wave I ride.  Things go up and down.  There are so many layers to this especially with family.  I think I feel less able to directly face my issues with my family than I do with other areas.  I would say too I have mostly thought about my parents and less about my siblings.  I think It might be time to give my siblings some more attention in my thoughts and see where it brings me. 

[rainydiary]

Thoughts keep coming up so I am wanting to get them out there. 

I think I most often acknowledge the pain of my father's abuse because it was more obvious and violent.  Today I really acknowledge how I find myself always needing to have an answer ready to every person I speak with because of my dad. 

My mother I have a very different experience  with.  The abuse and neglect I experienced with her was less obvious to me and now I find myself needing to acknowledge how much she hurt me too. 

In looking with adult eyes, I often wonder how my mom was actually treated by my dad.  I wouldn't say he is very kind to her.  I sometimes think she did or didn't do things with regard to myself and my siblings out of fear of him.  I think that relates to her own trauma and issues, but it was harmful to us. 

To this day, I have significant body and appearance issues because of my mom.  She also invaded my boundaries a great deal by going in my room and looking through my things.  She often wouldn't believe things I'd told her, as was the case with needing glasses. 

The combination of both my parents together was traumatic.  They brought their own issues and created a blend of new issues that have impacted me and my siblings as well as themselves. 

Today in my yoga teacher training, the instructor said something like "Just because someone did something from a place of pain doesn't make it any less painful for you.  It is important to acknowledge that."  Them saying that opened up these thoughts for me.

The other part of this that is opening up is how lonely I felt growing up.  I still feel lonely.  I've chosen a partner that is inconsistent in their own care toward me.  I see my husband dealing with things in his own way, but I feel lonely with him especially today.  Often in my mind it seems like it would be "easier" to find a different partner that would be more open.  But I'm not sure it would work like that. 

[Not Alone]

 

[Jazzy]

  

This is some great reflection and insight, Rainydiary! I'm glad to see you getting your thoughts put down "on paper".  I find that very helpful, and I hope you do too.

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

Today in my yoga teacher training, the instructor said something like "Just because someone did something from a place of pain doesn't make it any less painful for you.  It is important to acknowledge that."  Them saying that opened up these thoughts for me.

Thank you for sharing this teaching Rainy.  It is very helpful for me to read this. At the same time, I am sad it opened up some painful thoughts and memories for you. And I wish you didn't feel alone, especially in your marriage. I hope there is hope for your husband to change toward you.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Notalone, Jazzy, and Armadillo. 

I'm noticing that after all the work drama, I'm in a place of being like "What now?" 

Certainly there is stuff coming up for me, but I also have a tendency to try to keep my anxiety and brain so busy. 

I may feel lonely within my marriage but I also don't tell my husband what I need a lot of the time.  I am getting better but there are many things that are more difficult to share even with him. 

I have a dermatologist appointment which I really don't want to go to.  I honestly would rather stay at home as much as possible always.  I struggle with how much more comfortable I feel at home and alone than society deems acceptable.  Some of my desire is to stay in because of trauma but also it is my nature. 

[Libby183]

Hi Rainy Diary.

Your recent posts seem to have really captured the intergenerational aspects of trauma. The breaks between parents and children, and between siblings, in both families of origin, and then in our own families. It seems too huge to stop, and so very sad. Like you, it makes me just want to isolate.

Best wishes to you in thinking and dealing with all of this.

[Armadillo]

I really relate to that "what now?" feeling, Rainy. I've noticed as I've disengaged from my mom my brain doesn't know what to do with itself and as I start to touch into feelings my brain tries to find something else to do. Hoping this eventually translates into increased work productivity...but right now it isn't.

[rainydiary]

Libby, I appreciate the way you framed the language about intergenerational trauma.  It is just interesting now as I learn more the broader my perspective goes.  Things are connected in ways I hadn't seen before.  But it can make it very overwhelming. 

Armadillo, I appreciate what you said, especially the part of touching feelings or thoughts where we're not ready to go.  I'm trying to figure out how else to be that isn't in a constant state of stress, anxiety, etc.

I made it to my dermatologist appointment.  The building is in a part of town I don't come often and I hate driving over here.  The office I'm in also isn't very welcoming.  I keep waiting to be interrupted as I sit here and wait. 
MI'm not worried about my skin, this should just be a check up to make sure nothing has changed.  The challenge is I've seen multiple providers in the past two years and it is hard to develop a relationship with any of them.  This physician is also male which I really don't like.  Specialists are tough to be picky with, but I feel much more comfortable with female providers.  We'll see how this goes and perhaps in the future I can say I don't want to see him. 

All I can think right now is *sigh*