ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

it was so wonderful to hear from you all about this in such a positive way.  thanks to you el, hope, and d.r. 

it turned out to be a great decision!!!!  so glad i did it, and will continue.  weird to talk to my hub this afternoon, tho.  i know i don't want to be with him anymore, however, and there's no way he'd ever be able to come up here.  i've told my d i'm done with him, with that phase of my life.  i'll just continue to support him, cuz he's not a bad guy, but i guess it's time to move on.

i'm really glad i did.  it was waaaay better than xanax!!!   lol!!!

[Elphanigh]

So glad this went well for you, San  I am really excited for you!!!

[DecimalRocket]

Hahaha. I guess that's one of the reasons why I like you San. Growing up, I always associated kindness with obedience and discipline with strong feelings of guilt, but your kindness has a certain freedom to it that I like. Makes me want to share a little bit more from my own thrillseeking side that I keep aching to bring out, no matter how cautious I can be at the same time.

Well, to you, San.

[Sceal]

  I'm so glad that your desicion proved to be such a wonderful one!
You sound happy and more free than in a long time. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you el, d.r. and sceal.  i'm excited for all this, even if it's only for these remaining 2 months that i'm here.  i haven't had pos. excitement like this in a long time.

and last nite, a strange but wonderful thing happened.  just sitting, watching tv, feeling almost giddy, smiling at nothing, wondering what the frick was going on.  suddenly, it broke thru like a lightning bolt, and i broke into sobs while thinking 'this is how it was always supposed to have been!'  i was beside myself with this realization.

for the first time in my life, last night, i felt happy, felt what 'happy' actually feels like.  i can remember many times in my life questioning myself as to why i didn't feel happy.  they were times when i had someone who loved me, was married, had an actual house and family, a home, a great job - all those things that people wish for and want, yet i didn't feel happy and i didn't know why.

well, since, i know about the alexithymia, and that's a big part of not being able to feel that emotion.  still, last nite came about because this man has caused it to be able to emerge.  his kindness, consideration, all the components of caring for and about me converged in a powerfully short time and it was able to explode through my brain.

i've never been treated like this.  he walks around with a smile because he's so happy it's happening, too.  that's a really new part of it for me - he shows how glad he is that i'm here, that we're in each other's lives.  i don't ever remember that phenomenon before in any of the relationships i've been in.  not that visible, tangible sense of happiness he shows me.

i realize this is a honeymoon phase, so to speak.  but, dang, it's still waaaay ahead of any others i may have been in, including actual honeymoons.  this is how it's supposed to feel, how it's supposed to be.  i was nearly dancing thru my tears last nite.

and i thought of so many people here and elsewhere who are struggling to find exactly this, who have suffered so much thru relationships, who feel so alone.  i don't feel like we have a coupleship or anything - we haven't discussed anything close to that - but just the fact that this has come to 2 people at this stage of their lives (just 3 days before he was saying how he'd really given up on finding someone in his life, and that he was ok with that), wounded, beaten down, baggage laden, been thru * and back, much older than the oddsmakers say is possible to find someone, and so very flawed, both of us, yet, here we are.  it's magic. 

i hope anyone who is reading this can take some hope from this.  he and i are not young and beautiful by any means, but our inner selves found each other in spite of that.  he calls me sweetie, i call him dear, and we both smile at it.  our eyes are smiling now.  it feels so good i can barely stand it.  i'm so amped up i don't even know if that's a good thing for me.  i want to be able to settle and feel comfortable, but that's not happening.  still, i thank god that i've been allowed to live long enough to have this happen, to be able to finally 'feel' happy.  a miracle indeed.  wowser!

by the by, d.r., i'm very sorry that kindness had come to mean obedience, and i'm so very glad you're being able to see another side of it.    i hope you can continue to let that wild child side of you out. 

[Sceal]

  oh san! This is the most beautiful, honest and heartfelt thing I have read in a long time. I am so very happy and glad that you have happiness in your life! That you and this man has found each other now, and can bring such smiles to each other!
It's really, truly beautiful!
My soul is dancing for you and the Mr. 

You deserve every ounce and second of happiness, care, smiles and enjoyment!

So happy for you!

[Elphanigh]

That make me smile, and just glow with excitement  I am so excited for you!! It does bring so much hope to my heart as well. I just love to see the joy and really feel it coming off of you. San you deserve is and I am beyond glad you finally have a piece of it.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm so glad for you, San. This is great!  This kind of stuff I didn't expect at all. You're so stressed all the time. I'm so glad you finally found some happiness in your life.

[Libby183]

It's so lovely of you to let us share your joy and happiness.  You are a great example of living in and for the moment.

Hugs, Libby.

[sanmagic7]

it's so amazing to me, in one sense, to hear all this shared happiness with me.  i had a best friend who, if i'd told her this, she would have found some remark to put it down.  she literally hated to see other people happy, including me.  i've eliminated her from my life - the ugliness was unbearable.

so, sceal, el, d.r., and libby, thank you so much for this sharing, for being so glad for me.  it truly warms my heart to have people like you in my life.  no, d.r., i didn't expect it, either, not for a minute.  this has been one of the happiest surprises of my life, to feel happy.

i still find myself questioning, wondering, worrying if this is real - like when he's out of my sight.  i don't like that part of it.   i think it may be a result of too much of my woman self and confidence having been chipped away over the years.  kind of skittish now.  don't know exactly how to pick up all those pieces and put them together properly at the moment. 

gonna trust the magic on this one, tho.  i have faith in that.  have to.  it's the only thing that will settle me down.
thank you all again.  you're so beautiful, you don't even know how you've touched me.

[Sceal]

I think, that if you're able to, just let the magic happen. Try to put those thoughts of worries aside. Right now you are happy, try to embrace it.
You seem like you've lost a few kg of weight off your shoulders, and it's wonderful to watch. Dance, laugh, be free and love. Enjoy it all. You deserve to be a happy woman.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I am so happy to see that you're enjoying your relationship - and that it's bringing you much deserved happiness.  That's so special, and I am very happy for you.     I know you're feeling like it's not real when you're apart - I wonder if you could have a little transitional object to hold - maybe a little heart or a love note to look at, when you're not together, just to remind you that it's definitely real.  I did that when my partner was away for the weekend, i.e. looked at cards he'd sent me, and notes, and a cuddly toy that is meaningful to us - just to keep him in 'mind'.  Even though I've been with him for quite a few years now, I still find the reality of him when he's away is hard to bear - and I like to remind myself of his presence.

SanMagic, I hope you will enjoy this, and I agree with Sceal, that "You deserve to be a happy woman."

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, dance, laugh, and be free.  that's exactly how i want to feel.  thanks for putting it into words.  and the love part - don't know about that yet,  but the other 3, for sure.  thanks for the warmth in your wishes for me and the reminder about the magic.  even tho i've often said the words 'trust the magic', sometimes i still forget them for myself.

hope, that's a really good idea, thanks for that.  he's also been very reassuring that he wants to continue this, even tho i'll be leaving in 6 weeks.  have no idea what's gonna happen after that.   i think part of it has just been the newness of these emotions in both of us.  he doesn't really trust it, either - has had a string of bad relationships, and is also having a hard time believing this. 

in one way, it's been very stressful for both of us.  it's like this kind of 'relationship' (don't even know if it's that yet) is brand new all the way around.  but, dang, being able to talk about anything, honestly, is wonderfully refreshing.  yesterday we talked about the stress of it, he said that he figures it's temporary, that the longer we keep going, the more comfy it'll get.  i said, 'so, we're in this together?' and he immediately said yes.

part of the stress for him is that he's quit drinking in order to be with me.  i think he was drinking a lot, but i don't really know.  he works 12-hr. overnight shifts, 3 on, 3 off, 4 on, 4 off, so his sleep/wake patterns are strange.  plus, he has genetic gout, and while alc. exacerbates it, stopping drinking has brought more of them on.  so, besides the cravings he's fighting, he's also suffering physically.

that's pretty overwhelming for me, too.  that a man would do anything like that because he'd rather endure the pain than be without me - wowser bowser.  i told him how much i appreciate that, and how because of how he treats me that i now can feel the happy.  he just said that he guessed that was the reason he came back to live here.  so i could get that, finally, in my life.

so, exciting, anticipation - all fun, good, positive, but also very stressful.  i've been snoozing every chance i get, which is why i haven't been posting on the forum lately.  i just don't have the energy right now.  plus, all the stuff around the move - i'll be beginning to pack next week.  it's making this move more real.

i just wanted to check in.  i love you all, wallow in your support, and wish the best for every single one of you.  hopefully, when my nerves die down a bit, i'll be able to be more present here.

o, and my anxiety reared up the other day.  i was vibrating within my entire body, was holding out my hand to see if it was shaking, which it was.  he knew that i wasn't in a good place (i frizzed out cuz we'd been driving, and he tends to yell at other drivers, and that neg. energy goes thru me in a bad way), said something about why was i focusing on my hand shaking rather than moving on from it.

yeah - trigger.  but i said that i don't always know if i'm making this stuff up, if it's as bad as i think it is, if i'm exaggerating, so i held up my hand to verify for myself that it's real, i'm really going thru something.  it was almost like i could hear the click in his head, he got it, just put an arm around me and sat with me, and it went away, i was laughing again, and it was all good.

something like that might've sent me for a xanax otherwise, cuz it usually lasts longer than that.  when there's been neg. energy in the house between my ll and one of the other roomies, it sent me to my room and it was like those vibes lingered, i couldn't get out from under them, and did go for the xanax.

this time, it didn't last as long, no meds needed.  the power of human caring is much stronger than any med.  my brain is whirling with all this, but it's good to know his is, too.  no one is 'in control', totally confident, but both of us are willing to put it out there and let each other know we're doing it together.

yep, this is how it's supposed to be.  deep breath.   i am enjoying it as best i can.  it's just frickin' unbelievable!!!

[DecimalRocket]

It's fine that you can rest on your own and not reach out to us as much. Little me still has some abandonment issues and will probably complain, but there'll be others around to give attention to that part of me. I bet others are accepting of it too.

I can relate to shaking when anxious sometimes. It's a form of release for anxiety similar to crying for sadness to me. I guess after all we go through, it's surprising to actually have something good happen in our lives, and I'm glad you have that.

I find it wonderful that you accept each other even with both of your flaws. That's actually pretty touching. 

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad to hear things with him are going so well. That human acceptance and affection really makes such a difference in life.  It is also good to hear you are resting and using your energy to focus on the move that has to happen as well. I just started packing yesterday, I have a week vacation in the middle of this process so have to start early.

Sending you lots of love and energy