ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

yesterday was what i call a 'waste' day.  for the most of the day, i did nothing constructive - at one point, i sat in front of the computer and played a game over and over and over . . .  it was several hours later that i came out of that trance (that's kinda what it felt like).  the best thing about it, for me, was that when i realized what i was - or was not- doing, i gave myself permission to waste the day, to just get thru it until the next day.  that really helped my mind, i think.  it kept a lot of ICr stuff at bay, and, now that i think of it, was quite empowering.  i do have the power to make that kind of decision and not feel guilty about it.  it felt good.

so, i slept well, and this morning i feel a lot more settled and solid.  i'm ready to keep working on my book, getting it ready for formatting, which my d will do for me.  i'm getting excited about that, plus the others i have 'sitting on the shelf' so to speak.  i might actually have a chance to sell them at the farmers market next year.  how cool would that be!!!  i was ready to walk this morning, which is always a good sign, but it's raining, so i'll wait till it stops.   all in all, i'm looking forward to going after another chunk next week.  i think i'll be ready.

i did notice the other day when i was doing some brainspotting, attempting to calm myself - i was feeling very stressed - that i felt a gag reflex about that.  someone said that's an indication of an energy blockage, so it looks like i still have some work to do there.  it just keeps coming, which is a bit disconcerting.  but, it wasn't as large as normally has been in the past, so hopefully that's also a good sign.  one step, then another . . .

[Snowdrop]

If it helps, a gag reflex can be blocked energy releasing. If it's not as large as before, I'd take that as a good sign. 

[Three Roses]

I wish there was a :hatsoff: smiley - you deserve one! You are indomitable, my friend. 

[Tee]

I'm glad you took a day to just chill you deserve that you are working so hard.
The books sound great good luck!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the insight, snowdrop.  i'm hoping that things are moving for the better, the neg. stuff is finally getting released and getting out of the way. 

3r, i don't know what to say.  you touched me so profoundly, in a good way, but it brought up the thought (i hate it when this happens) that i've had to be indomitable or i'd have been dead a long time ago.  isn't that a shame that something so positive from someone can bring up something so sad and heartbreaking?    i didn't want to admit that here, just accept it, but i think that the more honest i get w/ what is going on w/ me, the easier it will eventually be to clear the crapola out.  it pains and shames me, for some reason, to have that thought, that cynicism, cloud the wonderful sentiment you gave me.  it was like a lovely gift that had a rotted ribbon tied around it.

dang, where did that come from?  am i being over dramatic?  these freakin' triggers are everywhere, and i hate how they color over something so special and from someone's heart.  so hard to enjoy the pos. when this happens.  maybe i'm more ready for this gunk to come to my consciousness now, and this is how i can process it and begin to get rid of it.  i don't know.  it seemed important to write it out, tho.       and, i'm not taking anything away from what you said, 3r, that was a remarkable sentiment toward me and what i'm doing.  i guess i can't receive these things  w/o the ugly strings attached yet.  some day . . .

thank you, tee, for the support and the validation.  you have become such an integral part of all of us.   

[sanmagic7]

i realized something today.  my sanity has meant my life, which is why there were times when i was not in physical danger, but felt like, no, knew, i was dying, and it was because i was being driven insane.  put into a double bind situation - do this and the opposite of it at the same time.  that kind of thing can cause schizophrenia because the only way some people know how to deal with that is to retreat into a reality of their own making, a reality that they can live within.

i was able to connect this with the stories i'd tell about situations and circumstances that i had to believe - creating my own reality - in order to continue to function with a semblance of sanity in this world.  this was an overwhelming realization, and i have to stop here, go do something easy, like watch tennis for a bit.  the implications could overcome me if i'm not careful.  how close was i really?

[Tee]

  I think we all have times like that.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  but, what a horrible thought.  this c-ptsd stuff is so potent if it can bring us to the brink of sanity!   a new concept for me, which is why i think i reacted so strongly when i realized it.  thanks for the hugs and the acceptance - they are really appreciated.   

feeling better today, a bit more grounded.  i want to be more positive, stop rolling in the past, especially around my d.  i've ruined my entire family for her now - she has no interest in them at all.  that made me so upset last nite (upset is the word i use when i can't identify specific feelings, but know something is roiling around inside.)  i got a bunch of family movies from my bro, and she doesn't want to watch them with me cuz she doesn't separate the negl from them to seeing them when i'm having a good time w/ them.  she's very black and white that way.

i thought it would be a way to see my when i was young, to see her grandparents, who died before she knew them, just bring some continuity in for her.  she flatly refuses.  i guess i've been able to compartmentalize a lot of these things cuz, maybe, i've had to.  she has heard so much neg. from me about my childhood, she knows my sis and bro and doesn't like either of them, and i guess this is where the family connection ends for her.  so, i guess maybe i've said too much neg. about stuff.

i think it's because, and this has been forever, i've wanted my girls to 'see' me, 'know' me, that i was more than just the 'bad guy' while they were growing up.  maybe that's my own issue - that i've felt one-dimensional, unacknowledged for a lot of things i've been thru and accomplished anyway.  i don't know.  maybe it's my ego speaking, maybe it's my childhood need that's gone unfulfilled and i'm trying to fill it now.  but, we all know that never works.  so, it's a new day and i'll just keep moving on, leave that crapola behind, and just be sad.  being sad is something i know. 

[Three Roses]

... i've felt one-dimensional, unacknowledged for a lot of things i've been thru and accomplished anyway.

This is me, too! The result of feeling this way, for me, has been a lot of defensiveness and finger pointing at others.

Big hugs to you! Kudos to you for doing the hard work. Giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is hard and brave. Supportive hugs to you. 

[Not Alone]

 

[Tee]

Big hugs to you! Kudos to you for doing the hard work. Giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is hard and brave. Supportive hugs to you. 

Big hug San

[sanmagic7]

hey, 3r, isn't it amazing how we feel unseen?  it's not like i'm a shy violet or anything, but i've always felt like the real me, the valid parts of me, the constructive parts, are overlooked.  i remember walking in a 'take back the night' demonstration many years ago.  a friend of mine saw me, immediately said how surprised she was to see me there.  i just said, well, i'm a woman, of course i support this.  i've been active, an activist, plain-spoken, accomplishing things that i would always think is incredible in someone else, but somehow it's gotten lost when it came to me.

ooooh, i may be that i've surrounded myself with people, like narcs, who didn't want to see it, let alone acknowledge it.  so, of course my d wouldn't recognize it.  i remember she wrote once that the women she most admired were 3 of her friends, for having careers and families (she didn't at the time).  i was so hurt!  i felt invisible, or that what i've done meant absolutely nothing to her.  when i brought it up to her, she kind of dismissed it, brushed it away.  i don't know if it got resolved, but i still feel the sting.

thank you for the hug, notalone.  very appreciated.  they are so warming.

thank you, tee, for the validation and support.  as my hub would say, it makes my heart squiggle and squirm like a puppy dog!

i've been having to take a break - again!  i nearly fell the other day, twisted both my knee and ankle, and they're taking their sweet time in getting untwisted.  so, i can't walk like i want, and i decided that i didn't want to do any emotional work while my physical part isn't up to par.  i have been working on my book, tho, so that's coming along, and i'm jazzed about that, altho it really wrecks my brain!  can't work on that too long at a time. 

so, just in a resting phase for now.  hopefully next week i'll be able to chomp out another chunk of emotional garbage.  i know i have to install some kindness from my parents from when i was a baby yet.  i've seen my mother with babies, she loved babies, but i think it was mostly what they did for her that made them so attractive.  plus, they didn't need disciplining - she was not at all good at holding boundaries w/ my d #1.  she died when d #2 was 2, so not much interaction there.  i'm winging this so much.  your ideas and examples and thoughts have really helped.

[Tee]

  I hope you heal quickly. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee.  it's a slow process - these old bones and all that.  but, luckily, it wasn't too bad to begin with, so it's feeling ok.  i have a long walk to take tomorrow, so i'm still letting it rest today.

dang, these things come up to bite me in the butt when i'm not looking, and then they stay w/ me till i talk them to death!  i'm finishing my book, and my d bought me a bouquet of roses to celebrate that.  very sweet of her, but i was surprised by the gesture, mainly because i've got 2 other books written that she knows about, and she's really not shown very much interest in either one.  plus, this book has neg. memories attached to it re: my ex (he has a degree in journalism, so when i was finishing this, like, 25 yrs. ago, i asked if he'd edit it for me.  he said yes, but time kept going by, nothing happened, every time i asked him, he said he'd not had time, ad nauseum).

finally one day i asked one more time, he told me no he wasn't gonna do it cuz he didn't want hie name on something that was going to be a failure.  that was a real slap in the face, and i haven't touched it again until this year.  it's only cuz i worked w/ that mom and daughter that i got inspired to finish it, possibly even sell it.  tears here.  these frickin' memories come up and bite me in the butt and get in the way of enjoying something wonderful. 

so the whole situation feels awkward and hurtful to me.  being looked at as the 'bad guy' in our family, being lied about so that even this d thought i was horrible for a time, it all comes crashing back.  crying for real now.  i just talked about 'being seen' as a whole person, how much i've felt like that's been missing from my life, and this was an example that was smashed in my face.  i hate these memories, hate that this keeps happening.  i can't even do something wonderful for myself and it gets tainted.    just gotta go cry now.

[Snowdrop]

Sitting with you if that helps.