Out of the Storm

5 days ago i posted about a trigger for my inner child.  i'm not attempting to bring up anything that has already happened and/or been discussed, but i want to delve into the concept of my inner child further for my own knowledge and understanding.

it wasn't until this morning that i realized exactly why my inner child got triggered that day.  i've been thinking about all this for nearly a week, and it wasn't until today that i finally understood it.  during everything that went on, i found myself doing what i've done for years and years - being stuck, unable to understand or explain exactly why i felt the way i did.  i knew something didn't feel right for me, but i couldn't quite articulate what it was in any coherent fashion, couldn't pinpoint why i was bothered.

hence, i let out bits and pieces as we went along, but i still knew something wasn't quite hitting my inner child's consciousness.  i became extremely uncomfortable along the way, and was greatly relieved when it was ended.  still, the wheels kept churning in my mind.

like i said, it was finally this morning that it all came together for me, and i could consciously understand what went on with me.  this 'fault' of mine, this time lag to understanding, has been with me a long time.  many times during conversations i 'know' or 'feel' something, but, since i can't always explain it at the time, the issue feels unresolved for me.  the conversation continues, but i'm already lost.  it isn't until anywhere from hours to days later that i'm able to put together a cohesive thought and understanding about what i had wanted to explain.  by that time anyone else has already moved on, and i feel not understood once more and frustrated.

i'm wondering if this is a c-ptsd thing?  a brain processing thing?  could it be from fear of speaking my voice?  the idea that a child's comprehension can't keep up with an adult conversation?  something else that i'm not familiar with?  i've had the same problem with emotions, especially anger (altho that's finally getting better), where it isn't until days later that i realize how i really felt about something ( it used to take years - and sometimes that's still the case!).  i know the anger thing was because it wasn't allowed, and i'd repressed all anger for most of my life.

this inner child phenomenon is new for me, its recognition and its meaning.  the time lag to understanding really bothers me - it seemed that everyone else had a handle on what exactly was going on, how they felt about it, and i was both amazed and feeling lost at the same time, even while continuing to post as if i knew what i was doing.  i didn't.  i just knew something had happened re: my inner child, but i couldn't really explain it.  this is continuing to bother me, tho, which is why i decided to write.  i'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me.  thanks. 

Sanmagic7, I just read this the other day and I think it may help. It was quite a lightbulb moment for me although not a perfect fit. Sorry in advance for the long passage, but I think almost all of this section is relevant. This could very well be triggering, so be in a grounded place when you decide to read through it. From page 100-101 of The Body Keeps The Score:

"... alexithymia - Greek for not having words for feelings. Many traumatized children and adults simply cannot describe what they are feeling because they cannot identify what their physical sensations mean. They may look furious but deny that they are angry; they may appear terrified but say that they are fine. Not being able to discern what is going on inside their bodies causes them to be out of touch with their needs, and they have trouble taking care of themselves, whether it involves eating the right amount at the right time or getting the sleep they need.

... alexithymics substitute the language of action for that of emotion. When asked "How would you feel if you saw a truck coming at you at eighty miles per hour?" most people would say, "I'd be terrified" or "I'd be frozen with fear". An alexithymic might reply, "How would I feel? I don't know... I'd get out of the way." They tend to register emotions as physical problems rather than signals that something deserves their attention. Instead of feeling angry or sad, they experience muscle pain, bowel irregularities, or other symptoms for which no cause can be found. About three quarters of patients with anorexia nervosa, and more than half of all patients with bulimia, are bewildered by their emotional feelings and have great difficulty describing them. When researchers showed pictures of angry or distressed faces to people with alexithymia, they could not figure out those people were feeling.

... They had learned to shut down their once overwhelming emotions, and, as a result, they no longer recognized what they were feeling. Few of them had any interest in therapy.

... Frewen and his colleague Ruth Lanius found that the more out of touch people were with their feelings, the less activity they had in the self-sensing areas of the brain.

Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what's going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming "spaced-out" or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can't tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to the well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensualty' and having a sense of meaning.

People with alexithymia can only get better by learning to recognize the relationship between their physical sensations and their emotions, much as colourblind people can only enter the world of colour by learning to distinguish and appreciate shades of gray. Like...[certain]... patients, they are usually reluctant to do that: Most seem to have made an unconscious decision that it is better to keep visiting doctors and treating ailments that don't heal than do the painful work of facing the demons of the past."

If you feel like any of this fits you, because you are here, you are one of the ones who is willing to do the work ans face their past. I think the slowness in processing comes from how difficult it is for us to identify our feelings and how strenuous it is. I imagine over time it would get faster, with practice and familiarity.

Hope I'm not way off the mark here but this was such am important passage for me, and your issue is one I struggle with as well.

:hug:

Also I am not sure we always want the realizations faster! It can be so overwhelming doing the work that I'm sure processing time must partially be a defense machanism... Just haven't found the quote that proves it yet.  :bigwink:

I cant shed any light on it but i think i can relate. Most of the time for me im on auto pilot.  During conversations and interactions. Its hard to explain. Its only later when  i can process stuff but by then like you said its too late and things have moved on.
I feel quite numb most times until later. Delayed reactions.

Mftb, yes i can definitely relate to alexithyma. I feel stupid or dumb because of it. My t tried to ask how i felt and i just looked blank and didnt know.
Sorry didnt mean to hijack. Thanks for posting.

I

P. 43 - 44 TBKTS: "Broca's area is one of the speech centers of the brain....Without a functioning Broca's area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca's area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered....
   "When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast.., Brodmann's area 19 lit up in our participants. .... Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 ate rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled add if the trauma were actually occurring."

Really fascinating, our brains!

omg!!! (no hijacking discovered, sandstone.  glad you weighed in)

mftb, that hit me right on the tip of my nose, and i burst into tears before i read 2 sentences.  triggered, but in a good way - i have a name for it now, a reason, a meaning.  that fits me to a 't'.  thank you so much!!!

wow!  and dang!
(cuss word wanted here, but i learned my lesson!  lol!!!) 

i remember doing an exercise in couples therapy, maybe 30 yrs. ago.  it was an 'and how did you feel about that?'  first i said 'i don't know', then she said (that icky therapist who should've figured out something was wrong here - this was a major breach in our coupleship) 'c'mon, you must've felt something'. i came up with 'hurt' and 'sad',  in a very quiet voice, and i didn't have the faintest clue there was anything else.  it was only a few years ago that i was able to recognize the anger, the disgust, the pain, and everything else that went with it. 

and, with this newbie t that i've been seeing, we actually skimmed this concept - i'd told her that i had trouble accessing my emotions at the time of something happening, and she said, 'but you do have emotions, right?' and i said that yeah, now i do, and then she dismissed the whole alexthymic concept.  so, you've shone the light on this for me.  dang, again!  this is so huge for me, i can't thank you enough.  you nailed it! 

those were tears of relief, by the by, releasing toxins of confusion and every other awful thought i might have had about this.  good tears.  i may cry about this the rest of the day, and i'm going to look up more about it as well.  i didn't think i wanted to learn about anything more, but i was wrong.  thank you, thank you, thank you.  you're beautiful!  i just want to throw love to you, to you, sandstone, to everyone within reach.  i'm so grateful, i don't have enough words. 

i was actually scared to post about this, like someone was gonna tell me to just let it alone, it's over, taken care of, quit bringing up old crap that's been dealt with, quit stepping on toes, or editing it somehow.  i'm so glad i didn't listen to those voices (there were a lot of them).  this explains so much.  i've been convinced for awhile that my body has been holding this crap for me, which is why i'd gotten the trigger-point massage therapist to release it.  and, there has been a ton, and i know there's still more.  but, i know it's been making me sick, and i want done with it, no matter how painful (physically, emotionally, or mentally) it might be.  wow!  this lays so much to rest.  did i say 'thank you'?

i finished this before i saw what you wrote, 3 roses.  omg, again!!!  so, it is part of the brain being out of whack, too.  wowser bowser.  love wrapped around you as well for this insight.  i'm frickin' amazed that i've been able to function at all!  but now it's so obvious why i've had so much trouble with this.  i was in my 30's during that counseling session, and before beginning therapy i just never dealt with anything under the surface - i simply floated through life without opinions, without any 'meat' to add to any subject being discussed cuz i never felt any which way about anything or anyone, except in a superficial manner.  whoa!  thank you, 3 roses.  you are all so darling to help me with this.  i'm overflowing with emotion at this moment.

and, that's exactly what i would say, even today, if someone asked me the truck question - i'd get out of the way.  emotions overridden by action.  that's my entire life. 

I think we all need something to make us laugh! Here's a cockatoo that needs a good talking-to!

(Don't watch if you don't like to see angry birds getting stuff off their chests.)

http://www.viralvo.com/cockatoo/?r=cb

i just took an online alexithymic test.  yep, rated high.  you were right on.  and now, at least i know, and that gives me a huge sense of ease. 

and, i'll look at the cockatoo immediately.  definitely, i could use a laugh.  thanks!

that bird took the words right out of my mouth about all this!  hilarious!

ok, after that initial emotional outburst, it's taken nearly 2 hrs. for the import of this revelation to even begin to sink in.  i may need to rest with this for awhile.  i feel heavily weighted inside.  what emotions that might entail, i have no idea. 

Wiki says about alexithymia that about 10% of the population exhibits symptoms, and ... "Furthermore, individuals with alexithymia have difficulty in distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought to lead to unempathic and ineffective emotional responding." Honestly idk if this fits, for you.

i read that, too.  until just a while ago, it fit perfectly.  it's why i was able to distance myself so well as a therapist, (i don't think i could do my job very well anymore - there are fewer and fewer posts i can read without extreme emotions, and i've begun reading fewer and fewer because i'm having a harder time dealing with the pain of others.) why i wore arrogance like a cloak - i was so action-oriented, i expected everyone else to be that way, too.  'just do something about it like i have' or 'you're an adult - if you want something, ask/you can take care of yourself.  i have'  would go thru my mind in support groups, or i just couldn't relate to their suffering, their hesitation, their fear.  i taught therapeutic groups before i was a therapist, and my boss, (that horrible therapist) told me that i had no compassion.  she was right about that, but when she told me, i didn't understand what she was talking about, didn't know what compassion was, what it meant, what it looked or felt like.

i could understand, encourage, be patient, work my therapeutic 'magic' in sessions  - those were my clients and i did my job well.  but, on a personal level, i couldn't relate, got frustrated (still do in personal relationships) just want people to take care of themselves cuz i don't understand what they're going thru, thought that if i said the right word, did the right thing i could get someone to take the action they (in my mind) needed to take.  it's why i continue to work so hard on this stuff - the need to be doing something about it.  why i look so courageous - i haven't, for the most part, felt that fear that others feel.  it's just started coming out in a few of these posts.  and it surprised me to feel it.

it all fits, 3 roses.   i was never empathetic before, until i began breaking down, until i had no more room to hold it in.  but, i still can't recognize or name how i feel about this, even now.  not yet.  my chest is extremely tight and my neck hurts from the pain of it.  but i don't have a clue as to the emotions behind that.  this totally sucks.  but it's right on the money.  and i'm having a hard time sitting with it.  i don't know what to 'do' !!!  do being the operative word.  thanks for your concern.  i so appreciate all of you.  before, i would've never written that, cuz it would never have occurred to me that anyone might want to hear that.  i'm on my best, polite, mannerly behavior here, so i make myself remember such niceties.  it's not that i don't care, but it doesn't compute.  yet, like i said before, i've been a validation junkie forever.  so very focused on me and what i need - a survival thing, i'm sure.  makes me want to cry.  so, sad is there.   good night.

 :hug:

Ooooh for what it's worth I didn't post it to diagnose or self-diagnose (but I am guilty on that count, myself). I found it mostly relatable.

For what it's worth, I omitted a bit in posting. He used an example about his aunt I took out, and a couple smaller bits I didn't feel like typing.

I am glad you can relate to it, but yeah, I think of this more as a signpost I'm on the right path, and that there are in fact trails that others have marked!

Three Roses - Broca's area - yes! Forgot about that. It's fascinating for sure.

very scared. 

Why are you scared?  :hug:

Hugs. You are strong.  :hug:

 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

ummm . . .  i don't quite know what to say.  this is making me sick.  i talked to my best friend, 20 yrs., also dealing w/ c-ptsd, she confirmed for me how she's felt my distance and seeming coolness when she would describe what's going on with her, as well as how i'd stammer and stutter when she'd ask how i was doing/feeling.  my brain doesn't work the way it's supposed to, and my emotional mind is broken because of that.  the research i've done talks about how alexithymia is often part of autism (but i really don't fit within the autism parameters, from what i can tell), and often part of addictions - the eating disorders as mentioned above (but mine would be eating to bury the feelings) and substance abuse from which i'm recovering.

there is no dsm heading for alexithymia, either, like there isn't for c-ptsd.  in the netherlands again.  i've got a call in to my t, but i'm sure she hasn't a clue.  if it isn't in the book, she doesn't know jack.

scared because i don't know how to be broken, don't know how to just 'be'.  reading up on this, peope who took the diagnostic wanted to know how to get rid of the bad feelings (me, too).  none of them in this study wanted to know how to deal with them.  can't self-soothe, the feelings trigger unhealthy behaviors almost immediately.  i found myself wanting a cigarette yesterday.  i didn't.

other feelings that have popped up are confusion, guilt, shame, hurt, anger, unease, discomfort, feeling stuck, don't know what to do with myself, feel like running, jumping out of my skin, leaving, anxiety, worry - and probably more,  there are so many, and i don't know how to just be with them.  one article said that one way to deal with this is to love, play, and be.  i do love easily.  most of the things i like as far as playing goes aren't available here.  i don't know how to be.  this will take awhile.  thanks for the hugs, concern, and support.  love you all.

 :hug:

You're awesome! So glad you are here.  :)

back atcha.  you made me smile.  to say that to me when i'm such a mess is what's awesome, 3 roses.  wow!  still smiling.  feeling calmer.  i talked to my brother about this, he was great, too.  still loves me, even if i'm broken. 

my girlfriend pointed out to me last nite - i'm remembering this now - that my husband is broken, too.  he got polio when he was 3, can't walk w/o a brace on his leg and crutches, but he's managed to adapt with that 'broken' leg that will never be fixed.  today, that's making sense to me.  i think i'll make it, altho i'm still a little shaky.  one step at a time.  thank you.

Hi Sanmagic7, glad to hear you are feeling better.  All these layers. It's a lot to take in.

you're right about that, mftb.  i'm still unsure how to be able to communicate during conversations.  it happened yesterday w/ my daughter, and i only realized it afterwards what happened.  i really do take cues from what others say, how they're expressing themselves, what they're feeling in order to get some semblance of what i'm supposed to be feeling, or what i might be feeling.  now that i'm aware of it, it's rather a strange phenomenon to grasp.  it's such a total disconnect within me.  i understand that with time and practice, the brain, and it's neuroplasticity, can repair itself, but at my age, i don't know that that's possible anymore.  so, i think what might be best for me is to accept this as is, and attempt more mindfulness.  maybe i can catch it more quickly, correct, adjust, stop myself.  we'll see.

my little me is now cowering in a corner in the pit of my stomach.  i just finished posting a few responses, and felt very shaky.  i don't trust myself, my adult self, so it's difficult for little sannyswee to trust that i'm going to take care of her.

i talked to my hub about it, he said it explains a lot about some of my past behavior.  like, we have a discussion about something, he goes on his way thinking it's all over, and 3 days later i have more to say, and he didn't understand why i was still bringing it up.  what i don't understand is why he hasn't bailed on me, even tho in the past 6 mos. i most earnestly gave him the chance to leave this madness.  must be love.  i just wish i could feel it!  it must feel incredible!  *sobbing at the thought - this is so sad to me.  just awful!*

i reached out to the emdr community that i belong to, and a past moderator gave me 2 different specific activities to try which might help the faulty connections in my brain.  and, i thought more about the idea of being broken like my hub's leg is broken, but when i talked to him about it, i realized that it's not the same, not to me, at least.  he was able to put a brace on his leg, and use crutches to get around.  maybe not like people with 2 good legs, but could still get around.  i have no brace or crutches for what's going on in my head.  this is my communication, a life and means that i have cherished.  it's not feeling physical to me right now, altho i guess it is.  i don't know.  this sucks.   

and i tried another exercise that i read about online, that of being still and asking myself 'what am i feeling?'.  after a feeling came to mind, the next question was to be 'why am i feeling this?'  the woman who wrote this said that in 'just 10 minutes a day, you can fix your alexithymia'.  well, i spent a half hour waiting for a feeling, and none came.  but, when i thought of her saying it'll only take 10 min. a day, i got annoyed.  but, i needed that trigger first.  i don't know.  i guess i'll just keep working on this as i'm able.  meanwhile, my little me will just have to survive this.  i can't help her right now.

You are helping her by doing this work. It just might not feel much like it at this moment.  :hug:

thanks, mftb.  you may be right.  hard to tell from this end at the moment.  sucky feeling.  this one is new to me.

dribbles of realizations are coming in.  i know now that i was angry about what happened, and that i did feel singled out unfairly.  this last just came to me as i wrote it.  this is just so strange.

my little me is more curious than cowering at the moment.  i got some suggestions for dealing with this from the emdr list of which i'm a member - and i also told them about alexithymia, what it can look like in a client, what to be aware of.  several very positive responses for the info.  i'm still wrapping my head around the whole thing.  i got a coloring book and crayons today, just to see what my little me would do, how she would react.  i used to love to color.  i noticed several shoulds about the way i was doing it, which actually surprised me.  it wasn't very much fun with the shoulds in there.  i think, tho, that i'm getting more ammo for this beast.  slowly, so slowly . . .   i really don't want to deal with all this anymore!

i fired my therapist last night.  i feel clean about it - had checked out her behavior with my hub and my best friend, and they agreed with me that she was wrong.  one thing she did do was got me to feel angry, so that was a good thing.  i'd brought in info for her on alexithymia, explained my lack of being able to verbalize how i felt, and we had a long talk about hugs, probably 20 min.  she's never been a fan, would play the 'mexican culture' card on me (maybe it's different in the u.s., but here in mexico . . .) and i explained that the benefit of hugs was universal because it's been shown that caring touch generates those 'feel good' substances in the brain, and that hugs was one thing i could actually 'feel' - not just the touch but the feeling that goes along with it.  after all this talking, she ended the session.  i opened my arms (as usual - i'd been seeing her since jan., had to go on hiatus for 4 mos. because of the heat, and had asked for a hug at the end of each session.  she told me from the beginning that because i - the client - wanted/needed it, she would go along with it) and asked for a hug, and she told me that she was going to avoid hugs from now on, and refused to give me one.  i was frozen inside at this, left, and when i got back to my car it hit me that i was downright ticked off at her about this.  i felt like i had been blindsided.

when i got back home, i did some ranting and raving, checked in with my hub about this, and put in a call to her.  i told my hub that i was going to tell her i was mad at her, and she would give me one of two responses:   either she would say "good!  we got some emotion from you.  that's progress"  or she would ask me why i was mad.  a good therapist may have set me up in order to elicit that emotion, and that would have been a brilliant therapeutic maneuver, which i could have and would have accepted and appreciated.  i did tell my husband that i didn't think she was smart enough to do something like that, tho.  i was right.   when i told her, she asked me why, i said 'you don't know why?' , she said 'was it because of the hug?' and then i let her have it, told her she could have told me anywhere in that conversation that she'd decided she was really uncomfortable with hugs and didn't want to do that anymore, but she waited till the end of the session (which she also ended 15 min. early, and i don't know why) so i didn't want to see her anymore.  all she said was 'ok, sanmagic', and i hung up.  when i told my girlfriend, she started laughing, said, maybe she did it to get rid of me cuz she knew she was in way over her head.

my little me is impressed with me today.  and i began an exercise last night to overcome this alexithymia and all that has caused it.  it was empowering right from the beginning.  it is a process that an emdr therapist thought of to help me with this, and his generosity has impacted me greatly.  thank you, god, is all i can say about this man's willingness to help me.  and, the timing is perfect.  i believe someone mentioned putting this out to the universe, which is what i did, and the results are more than i could ever expect.  my little me is still in my belly, but she's not shaking and cowering with fright now.  she's waiting to see what else good will happen.  she feels hope about something, probably the first time i've ever felt hope.  i've had faith that things would turn out, that i would deal with whatever comes along, but part of this is that i've had no vision nor any planning for the future, so i never had/felt hope.  it's like a tiny sparkling star within my innards.  strange.

did another piece of the exercise today, and realized how many levels and dimensions this has.  my little me feels fragmented, not whole.  i separated one part out of the 'whole' of alexithymia, and feel agitated and distressed.  i don't doubt this is part of the process, but i don't like feeling like this. 

the part i separated out was that i am afraid to speak my truth.  (whoa!  just realized that this hits directly at my original inner child post - i spoke my truth and terrible things happened.  i'm shaking inside right now with this thought, and on the verge of tears.  no wonder speaking my truth is frightening to me - terrible things happened too many times when i did.  this makes me want to hide my truth, makes my little me want to find a safe place, but it's not in truth.  it's in smiles, not rocking the boat, leaving things be.  my poor, dear little sweet sannyswee.  she's so scared.)

i bought a kid's coloring book and crayons, and the picture i colored after the first part of this exercise was a child 'lord and lady', all done with lovely colors.  the picture i colored today i began in a nice, little girl way, but ended up scribbling all over the picture.  it was of a bear bringing a flower to someone's house.  i'm sure the symbolism is running rampant here, but for now i'm going to collect my coloring pages and put them with the pages of my exercise.  we'll see where this leads. 

and it led to the realization above.  alice, i want to live in wonderland.

last nite my ex-t called my husband to apologize about what happened with me (why didn't she call me?  i think that's pretty crummy!), told him all the same stuff she told me about hugs not being part of the psychological relationship (phooey!) and said that the language barrier is too much and it's probably a good thing that she and i don't work together anymore.  i feel traumatized all over again.  another example of speaking my truth (about how important hugs are to me) and getting blasted for it.  i'm so sick of this!

so, today is my birthday, i'm 69, and i feel like crap.  i want to rip that little creep's head off, and don't feel like a birthday girl at all - and i'm an all-time birthday lover!!! 

the exercises i'm doing were suggested to me by a therapist friend, who happens to be an emdr trainer, and his take on all this is that i need to re-wire my brain, which is what the exercises are all about.  he also said re-wiring is much more difficult than when a brain is being wired originally.  lots more work ahead.  my little me is crying, very sad that this is all happening, and that we can't enjoy our day.  i'm sad, too.

i thought these were two places that were safe to be genuine in, and they both backfired on me.  this is making it a little tougher for me to get out of my people-pleasing mode, know that i can be genuine with how i think and feel and be safe about it.  that i don't have to take care of others first, be watchful for how others might think and feel, or what they might want.   and i'm nervous that by saying these things here that i'm doing something wrong all over again and will be somehow reprimanded for it.  i feel like i've been forcibly pushed back against a wall one more time.  sucks.  happy birthday to me. 

Well, Happy Birthday, anyhow!  Even if you're not feeling it...

I think that's a terrible thing for the therapist to do.  I hate how people think it's okay to do stuff behind my back, apparently "for my own good".  It's really being disregarded and I find it sends me the message that they think I cannot be reasoned with, so others will be enlisted to pressure me.  It just feels like more powerlessness and disregard.

For me, it's such a battle to just be able to feel I can say "This is what I feel.  I'm allowed to feel this." and I think that's something that people who have lived their lives always feeling as an innate right don't really understand.

It's like drowning in ice cold water, and when I desperately claw and scramble my way onto a sheet of ice, frozen and shaking, I'm just pushed off for standing on it unsafely or facing the wrong direction.  Generally by the same people who were shouting encouragement as I thrashed around in the water trying to get out.  (That feels grim.)

Keep believing you have a right to stand on the ice, Sanmagic!  If possible, we can swim around it like aggressive penguins, keeping people from pushing you off!

Meursault

Happy birthday Sanmagic7! I hope your day gets better. :cake:

Oh, San -  :hug: :bighug: :cake:  :hug:

Take a minute to tell ALL OF US (I'm sure I've stepped on toes, too) to CHILL OUT and let you BREATHE!

I do understand how things of late have made you feel hemmed in and cautious to express yourself. Ditto on that feeling.

My birthday is only a few days away and some birthdays just stink. I'm almost exactly 20 years younger than you. But I feel like a kid next to your wisdom and the willingness to work you've shown me these past few weeks/months.

My present to you is to remind you of all the things you are doing / have done right:

1) You do speak your truth to the fullest you feel confident.
2) You are consistent. Not easy to do, but you are!
3) You are kind. Always ready with a cyber-hankie for the rest of us.
4) You are strong. What you've survived would seem insurmountable to most folks. Just being here to share with us is a feat, really!
5) You are beautiful. It's kind of nice to not be caught up in physical looks around here, but your soul shines through and you ARE beautiful!
6) You are smart! Taking every nugget you can to expand your understanding, apply to your healing and then help the rest of us with what you learned!
7) You are generous. Opening your heart takes bravery (yes, you ARE brave) but it is also an incredible act of generosity. Allowing us to see into that beautiful heart and watch it clean and grow ~ I am in awe.

I am sorry that IC and you are having a horrid birthday. Grab a pillow and give her a big hug from Wife#2. Whisper into her hair that the mean people don't matter and that SHE does. Tell her happy birthday, from 1PM on - cause we're gonna dump those mean people out of our mind and celebrate what GREAT people San, San's IC and San's husband are!

Kick'em to the curb!! You deserve to celebrate your day, it's YOUR day!

A happy, happy birthday dear friend! Hit the pause button on everything else and let this day be a celebration for you and your Little Me!

:fireworks:

thank you all for the birthday wishes.  really.

meursault, that visual of those cool little penguins circling me on my behalf filled me with wonder and love.  what a beautiful birthday gift you gave me.  thanks for the support.  i needed it.   it is difficult to know how i feel, let alone say what i feel, and the thought that i have the right to feel like i do is almost like being spoken to in a foreign language!   still, with my league of penguins, i'll keep moving forward.  they are strengthening.

mftb, thank you, and i'll tell you the truth - i hope so, too, altho these wishes have helped.  i'd begun feeling like i was hanging out on a limb by myself.  it's good to know i'm not.

wife#2, what beautiful words and wishes from you, my libra sister.  your reminders are grand gifts, and so appreciated.  1 pm, huh?   truthfully, i don't know that i'm ready to do that, but i'll keep it in mind.   my little me will get that hug from you.  and we will all celebrate later our being together on this journey.  it's been made easier with the people like you and everyone else who has shown me support.  i'm grateful. 

oh, 3 roses, ever action-oriented!  great advice.  thank you for the fireworks.  i'll do my best.

it would be nice to breathe easy.  i don't know if i'm aware of how that feels.  i only realized consciously the other night that i never feel quite safe except when i'm getting a hug  from my hub.  those hugs make me want to simply melt into him.  incidents like these of late reinforce that uneasiness.  i now, just this minute,  truly understand and can feel what hypervigilance means.  it's not just around people, it's an all day, every day affair.  no wonder my body is always in pain - no wonder yoga isn't relaxing for me!  i do a bit of yoga stretching, but it hurts so much i can't relax with it.  still, i do it because i know my body needs those stretches.  this stuff is coming to me slowly, but it's coming with everyone's help.  i keep becoming aware of more and more through your words.  grand birthday gifts, indeed. 

i think i'll have another birthday next month!!!   lol!!!

Happy birthday sanmagic  :hug: sorry youre having a hard time at the moment.

thanks, sandstone.  happily, it's ended on a good note, and i'm feeling better this evening.  lovely dinner and a fun movie with my hub, lots of birthday wishes from here and in the real world, and wonderful support from everyone.  you all made my day.  i'll always remember this birthday in a good way.  thank you all.

re-wiring my brain through these exercises i've gotten, and i wanted to write it out.  i wrote an update to the therapist who is helping me long-distance, and my chest tightened up something fierce, so i thought i might be able to put some of that fear, i believe it is fear, here.  i'm feeling crummy from the stress reaction of my body, and i'm just continually reminding myself that this is a process, that my brain is undergoing a transition, and that's going to be stressful. 

fear of not knowing what this will feel like, fear of not knowing what to do, how to manage being able to feel my emotions (last night's exercise), it's such a big unknown to me, and right now i feel so sad that i have to go thru this.  i hate it!  i'm going to watch some tennis, just chill for awhile. 

plus i'm really sore from falling out of bed yesterday.  hopefully my massage lady can come tonight and fix me up.  i know it was quite a shock to my, and my entire back tightened up from it.  ugh!  one more frickin' thing.  will it never end!!!  big exhale - one foot in front of the other.  this is a process, it's more difficult to re-wire than do the original wiring, so of course it will be stressful as my brain adjusts and readjusts.  my head feels like it's going to explode.  done for now.

fear of not knowing what this will feel like, fear of not knowing what to do, how to manage being able to feel my emotions (last night's exercise), it's such a big unknown to me, and right now i feel so sad that i have to go thru this.  i hate it! 

I hear you, Sanmagic, and very much relate! :hug: :hug:

i believe i'm beginning to understand the connection between the inner critic and the inner child.  yesterday, i needed to take a day off from all this, from the stress of this work, from thinking about any of it.  a pretty simple decision, very logical, and aimed at my own well-being.

well, it didn't take long before i began hearing 'shoulds' in my mind.  faintly, at first, but growing increasingly louder and more insistent - i should post on the forum, i should be helping to welcome the newbies, i should check in with the long-distance t i'm working with - after all, he's helping me with this of his own free will, no charge, is concerned about me, and i should check to see if he left a message, should touch base with him, it's only right to constantly reciprocate and acknowledge all he's doing for me.

then my chest began to tighten, and i was able to recognize that feeling as a response to fear (that's progress, at least - didn't make any connections between emotions and body before).   i asked myself what i was afraid of, and began journaling this.  finally, i was able to put my finger on the reason for the fear - if i didn't do these things for others, help them, take care of their feelings (i'm always thinking that others' feelings come before mine), that would mean that i am bad.  a bad person.  and if i'm bad, i displease my dad, and he won't love me anymore, won't want me around (he's been dead over 40 yrs.)   it was quite the startling revelation.

after this awareness, i did my tapping to bring down the knot in my chest, relax myself, and my gut began doing its thing (ibs).   in between running to and from the bathroom, i realized that the battle was taking place there, in my gut.  that's where i battle between the expectations of my dad (the inner critic) and what i, myself, really want (inner child).  no wonder i have troubles in that area - how can my digestive system work correctly if these battles constantly go on within it?

so, my brain is re-wiring, which is allowing me to make these new connections between mind and body, and to begin recognizing these feelings for what they are, how they interweave.  it's stressful as all get out, but i keep reminding myself that it's the re-wiring, the adjustments, the changes that are happening inside my brain.  after i reduced the stress, i made sure i did something just for me, which was to find an image of a bouquet of flowers to insert into my journal, and to ignore the rest of everyone and everything.  today, i feel calmer and a wee bit stronger.  taking care of my little me.  she's worth it, she deserves it, and she's finally getting it.  and that brings a smile to my face.   a long row to hoe, but i do believe i'm seeing progress. 

i think this is the first time i consciously heard the 'shoulds', was aware of them and what they were actually saying.  before it was just something vague that compelled me to do what had been expected of me - take care of others' emotions first, make sure they're ok, and push myself aside.  i hadn't connected any of that with low self-worth, inner critic, or this hyper-vigilence i'm carrying around.  it's all new and strange to me.  we'll see how it plays out.

fear is beginning to raise its head, now, and i don't like it.  i'm scheduled for bodywork tomorrow, and the thought of it brought out a big chunk of fear which i'd never felt before for this particular situation.  it used to be that i knew how much pain it would entail, how my body would suffer for days afterwards, how stressful it would be for me and how that would affect me (i'd feel miserable and sick, like i was getting the flu) and i'd just know it was something i'd have to go through if i wanted to eliminate these toxic emotions/feelings that i'd trapped inside my body.  i never felt afraid of it before, tho.

so, in the battle to eliminate or rectify (i don't really know which one it is) this alexithymia, i'm beginning to feel like anyone else would.  someone posted on this thread that a lot of people with this condition, instead of doing what's necessary to release their emotions, find their emotions, connect their emotions to body sensations, and just feel whatever emotion comes up, they would rather keep going to docs and have their physical ailments treated medically, and ignore the emotional connection.

i know this is true from my work w/ people with chronic pain disorders - i would be able to relieve some of their pain, while talking to them about the emotions that were connected, and they wouldn't come back.  they just wanted the pain gone without doing any emotional exploration or work.  but, unless that pain is masked or the brain altered with meds, the emotional work must be done.  and now i'm feeling how frightening that is!

if i'd felt fear like this during my life, i'm sure i'd never have gotten to be where i am today.  as i understand it, fear is a natural indicator of danger, and needs to be respected as well as explored for the reality of that danger.  the lion or the roar.  so, now that i'm feeling afraid of having the bodywork done, i know that it is gonna hurt like hades and i won't be able to function properly for at least 2 days.  that's a reality.

however, that's also the roar.  the lion is allowing these toxins to fester within me.  they have been causing me pain, discomfort, and physical ailments for years.  the bodywork will not damage me, will not harm me permanently, and will, ultimately, provide me with relief.  so, i choose to move toward the roar, which will not kill me.  but, dang! i don't like being afraid! 

so, this is what courage feels like?  my little me is proud of herself, of me, and that's the first self-validation i consciously remember.  strange.  i feel like alice. 

Awesome!  I'm right there with little you and her pride for herself and you as well!  I hope the bodywork goes well.

Meursault

thanks, meursault, for sharing this with us.  we love the company! 

Bravo, Sanmagic7. Give yourself a nice, loving reward afterwards, for facing down both pain and fear.  :hug:

thanks, mftb.  it is facing it down, isn't it!  never thought of it that way.  there are still things i want to do in my life, and i know i'll be kept from them because of this gunk i've pushed down.  so, i just gotta do what it takes to free myself from these chains. everyone's support helps give me the strength to do what needs to be done.

no one should have to go thru what i went thru last nite.  i'm so happy for everyone who is catching this earlier in their lives, who haven't been storing this crapola for this many years.  i'm pretty numb today, more later.  it was bad, very bad.

Sending  :hug:  :hug:  :hug: Sanmagic

i am afraid that in the breakdown i had the other night, that my little me died.  it was an explosion of neg. thoughts, feelings, emotions, manipulations, deceits, lies against me, abuses, meanness, nastiness, hatred toward me, - much more than i have the strength to describe right now.  i know something died within me, not sure what, but i can't find her anywhere right now, have no sense of her.  i had a generic funeral today for whatever is now gone.  i am afraid of what this means, what to do about it, how to continue, and i had to write it down to get it out of me, this fear that is balling up in my chest, building up in pressure.  i'm so scared. i want to stop at the same time i know i won't. 

know that everything about you is valid, so you won't be faced with this prospect later in your life. 

Aw sanmagic im so sorry you're feeling this way right now.  What you describe sounds awful and ihate that youre going through this and i wish i could help you to find and soothe little you.  I have no advice but im here to send you lots of  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

thanks, sandstone.  so appreciated, you'll never know how much.  i'm afraid my little me got blown up in the massive explosion that took place.  i can't find her anywhere right now.  still.  more later.

Has she come out yet?  I would offer a pony, but I don't think I could mail it to you!

Meursault

Speachless. Praying for Sanmagic's little-me.

slowly, very slowly . . .

i finally got my legs back today, can walk regularly without being wobbly, altho they're weak and the stress has kicked in my sciatica, so i'm in pain.   i began working on being able to feel positive emotions today, and suddenly even writing this feels like too much.  more rest, i guess.

 :hug:

Big hugs! Taking it slow is the right thing to do. Glad you are keeping at it, that's impressive. :hug:

 :hug:  and do take it slow.  We're not going anywhere  :no:

 :hug: Keep being kind to yourself. You've come a long way and that took a lot of work. A LOT of work.  :yes:

Though it may mean limited time with us, it will only make folks like me appreciate you all the more when you are able to return to us. On your time table as you are ready.  :hug:

thank you everyone.  so much. 

sciatica from the stress of this is a bum-bum.  terrible pain.

but, as i've continued to work on getting my feelings back, i've discovered a sense of lightness inside.  a therapist friend suggested that since i'm recovering my voice of truth, i write letters to my abusers.  i've started on those, and it feels good to get the crapola outta me, feels good to say exactly what i think about each one.  don't know yet whether i'll send them, burn them or what, but right now just getting my voice out is helping.  he said he was looking at it as a gestaultist, and i could either email them or do a ritual burning. 

finally someone told me i could actually say what i wanted to say to the other person instead of telling me to 'let go and let god' or 'give it to the universe' or 'what good will it do to connect again?' (they're all nc), or 'it won't help to bring this up again' or any of the myriad other platitudes that told me to leave it alone and deal with it on my own, don't involve the other person.  it was like the 'permission' allows me to have the choice and just do what's best for me.  this last part i haven't thought about yet, but i will
once i finish the letters.  then i'll see where i want to go with them.  another armament in the battle.  another angle from which to attack this horrific beast.

my little me has been able to stick her head out from around a corner as i write (altho, back when meursault wrote about the pony, i did hear a tiny girlish giggle).  this is the first time in these 2 weeks i've been aware of her.   i discovered yesterday that my emotions have been blocked behind a black veil inside me.  as i did my thing and just let the thoughts flow, the veil began lightening, and my insides weren't in the dark, so to speak, and a little brown and white bird flew into my heart and nestled there.  still there.  we'll see what happens to it on this next round.

i appreciate everyone's comments so much.  i'm working on being able to feel the caring behind them.   i'm still at the point where i'm in that superior/perfect state that i was raised to be.  i expect these kinds of things from people (i know it sounds narcissistic as all get out!).  it's why i'm not able to relate very well to the concept of an inner critic.  don't have one that i can identify.  when i married hub #2, i already believed i was perfect, and he believed i was as well.  even if i made a mistake, or had a run in my nylon, i believed that it was ok because to be perfectly perfect was boring, and i hated the thought of being boring.  instead, i was perfectly flawed, or flawed perfectly.  either one still left me feeling perfect.  no criticism.  whew!  never admitted this before, never made it concrete before.  sweeping out the cobwebs in the shadows of the dark side of me.  but, feeling courageous, which is new, cuz it's really scary to write that out.  so, i'm feeling fear now as well.  progress.

as i write this, it's amazing to me how the mind can do and think and believe what is necessary to stay sane/alive.  i've never had the feeling of being small when i look up at the stars or out at the ocean.  have had rare occasions of true humility, but they went against that grain of being perfect/superior, so they made me very sad, like i'd done something wrong.  this whole feeling thing is completely topsy turvy for me.  i know things about this stuff logically, but it is a foreign language when i attempt to translate it to become a part of me.   

enough. 

it's late now.  the pain is keeping me awake.

i thought more about the superiority thing.  i do feel out on a limb by myself with this one.  i've read so much here about people feeling shame, self-disgust, no self-worth - all those negatives about self, and i just haven't felt them.  i've also read about people being perfectionists, trying to have everything about them be perfect, and i can't relate to that either.  it's like i was programmed to be perfect, so that's what i did, why i accomplished everything i have, and it's why, when i find out that i'm farther behind than i thought i am devastated.  i've read that others looked at that one test that a link was posted for here, and they thought things like 'well, at least i know that i'm going in the right direction' or 'now i know i still have work to do.'  when i took that test and saw how far off i was, much farther down that i'd expected i'd be, i thought 'omg, i can't believe i'm not farther along.'   i thought i was much more ahead of the game than those results said, and that shot me down a deep dark hole.  that's when i felt like i had failed rather than seeing it as an opportunity, a direction, or a guideline.  it was an absolute insistence to me that i was all wrong, when i had believed i was all right.

i know i'm not perfect, but i'm still expecting myself to be.  i was trained well.  attempting to undo this training is, as my friend told me, a re-wiring of my brain.  and, he also told me it is much more difficult to re-wire than to do the original wiring.  i just wonder if i'll have enough time.

so, i continue to struggle with this, getting myself down off this doggone pedestal.  i was trained to be better than others - that's the other thought i realized today.  a 'c' on my report card was not allowed.  'average' was not allowed for me.  i had to be better than all the average kids, had to.  and the thinking, the knowing that i was better came along with that.  it's a horrid burden i've been carrying, but even harder to get rid of.  i don't want to believe this, to think like this.  it's not just that i get a's and b's on my report card anymore, but it's looking down on those who don't.  what kind of attitude is that?  it's awful, is what it is.  i hate it.

and, all the work i'm doing is aimed at getting rid of that.  it's ok to acknowledge what i'm good at, and i am good at some things, better and worse at others.  but i'm constantly reminding myself, i have to continually be mindful that i, as a person, am not better (or worse) than anyone else.  i only deserve and don't deserve what everyone else does, no more or less.  that is the balance i'm struggling to find and maintain, and the stress of that is causing me both emotional and physical pain.  but, if i don't keep working at it, i'll never find that balance.  still, as long as i keep working at it, i'm stressing myself out constantly.  i'm in a loop of pain and i don't know how to get out.  and i can't relate to anyone else and what they're going thru, and it doesn't seem like anyone can relate to this. 

even tho i know you are all out there, caring about me and pulling for me, wanting me to find peace and rest and balance, i feel completely alone in this.  maybe i'm a narc and never knew it, but i want to change.  it's a desert where i am in this, nothing but shifting sand in every direction.  ugh! 

Hi Sanmagic,
A long reply that I'd nearly finished was just whipped out of existence by a Windws update.  I'm too shattered right now to rewrite it.

You are not out on a limb by yourself with this.  It is the flipside of the same coin.  I've been struggling with painful realisations.  I too am alone  here in my own unchartered desert.  Maybe it is a place we all have to stop at, part of letting bulls#it go.  There are illusions that bring comfort, and made the world manageable for the child who found themselves alone and unloved.   

I don't think either of us is a narc, if that's any comfort.

Don't be harsh and judgemental towards yourself, this comfortless place is bleak enough

San,

I was raised with the same subtle message. I know it's in there. I rebelled against it when I was in my 20's, voicing out loud that I was nothing special and that average was just fine with me. My mother was aghast. Yes, I actually use words like aghast - it's part of the fleas from that upbringing. I used to think that I had slain that superiority beast inside, but I see it come out in my words.

I do not think that you are a narcissist. Not even a little bit! A true narcissist (in my opinion only) does think they are superior, but has the added dimension that they will sabotage others if they get to close or threaten the narcissists superiority view. What I have found in you, through all our communications, is a champion, and friend and cheerleader. These traits are against the very nature of the narcissistic mind. So, no, you may have fleas, but you are no true narcissist. (That's my unprofessional opinion).

One day, my greatest hope for you is to trust the feeling of being loved. You so deserve to feel the warmth and joy and compassion that come with the love we who have begun to know you feel towards you. That you will have the time to heal and open and feel is a very big part of my prayer.  :hug:

my dear radical,

i hate it when that happens!  way too often, and, yes, always too exhausted to re-write the whole thing.

dang it, how the frick does this happen?  i know i'm not a bad person, just like i know you're not either.  i don't believe anyone who has sought help on this forum is.  i've been through so much, just like i know others have, and i sometimes wonder how any of us have survived it.  the wonders of the strength of the human spirit.

ok, thanks for the two sides of the same coin analogy.  that helps put a better, more pos. perspective on it for me.  i love your last line - so earthy, so wise, so true.   too much pain, not enough sleep, and i slip over the edge of holding it all together.  but, maybe that's not a bad thing.  i'm raw, real, more able to see me now than ever.  it's bringing up these realizations of being a kind of person that is in a cage looking out, trapped by her own mind.  maybe that's where i've needed to go to finally discover the key to get out of here.  not quite there yet, but it's happening.

but, so many people that i've found along the way are shallow, superficial, of a type that i can't stand to be around for more than about 5 min.  some of them are 40-yr. friends who i used to live, work, and play with.  now when i speak with them, i can't relate!  where i'd spent years together with them, i don't want them any closer than perhaps 2 hrs. a year.  or only an email relationship based on trivial interests.

everything is changing, and that may be why i'm beginning to question.  thanks, by the by, for not thinking i'm a narc.  there are several in my bio. family (sister, daughter) and my ex hub and first therapist, who are, and who have all laid simply awful stuff on me.  i guess it is a matter of survival, any way possible for us.  unloved children, unloved teens, unloved adults.  when in tarnation does this end?

i can't really say that.  my hub and other daughter and 2 best friends do love me, and i know that from their behaviors toward me.  that is the extent of my worthwhile world.  and these cyber people, like you, radical, and the rest who have shown me more compassion without knowing me than i've ever received in my life.  what a blessing to have found this place.  i am forever grateful for this forum and the people like you who have my '6', as they say.  how weird to me.  but, how grand as well.  thank you.  dang, i wish the dumb windows wouldn't have interfered.  i would've loved to read the rest of what you wrote.  it's like manna from heaven to someone who has been starving.

i also realized that i haven't been able to feel happy all my life because i've always been battling to be me.  yesterday, i got a glimpse of the feeling.  my hub and i had a good chat and felt like a team for the first time (he's been trying, but has had his own hangups).   in the pasti can remember thinking - i'm with a man i love, got a house, my own car, 2 children,  everything someone could ask for (on my salary!  lol!) and i still don't feel happy.  what's wrong with me?  not being able to feel happy all my life has always bugged me.  now i know why, and it makes sense.  how could i feel happiness when in the middle of an ongoing battle from before i can remember?.  so, the emotions are beginning to show themselves, and i'm glad of that. 

i'll take my leave for the nonce.  love and peace to you and everyone here.  i wish you all only the best.

wife#2, you have just weighed in as i was about to send this, so i want to acknowledge how wonderfully warm and comforting your words are.  i felt the warmth.  that's a start. 

ugh!  fleas!  i hate those awful things!  what a gross way of looking at that backlog of messages and expectations and our efforts to stay sane in the midst of the insanity.  makes my skin crawl!  thanks for that visual, lol!!! 

and, i love words like aghast.  i just love words.  does that show a superior belief about oneself?  i'm an author, so i'm always looking for just the right word.  i believe words have power and substance and abilities to harm or soothe when used in a certain way.  and that sometimes the 'f' word just hits the nail on the head when no other word can express a feeling quite the same way.  i never thought of using words as a superiority thing.  i just love learning new ones all the time, and using them as often as possible.  i even write a 'word of the week' kind of thing to friends and family every sunday, exploring words, their origins, and what they mean to me, or how they manifest themselves in my life.  i thought it was only part of my craving to learn.

so, might that be something else to look at?  how i use words?  i never meant to sound superior, but maybe that's how i come off.  dang, whack a mole. 

in the meantime, thanks for your opinion on my narc confusion for a moment.  one day i hope to report to this forum and all of you that i have finally discovered what it feels like to be loved.  it must be the greatest feeling of all time.  thank you. 

big hugs to you both.  you have brightened up my day considerably.

saw the doc today.  took a simple blood pressure test for adrenal fatigue, and looks like that's what's going on.  i've suspected it for awhile, but to know for sure just slams the door in my face.

my hub is having eye surgery tomorrow, and is nervous, and i'm working to be strong for him , but on the inside i just don't know.    more stress, which is the opposite of what i need.  and when he comes home it'll be at least a week of me waiting on him cuz he has to stay stomach and head down for that long.  i'm really only good at nursing for about 3 days, then i begin to get irritated.  i hate knowing that when he so willingly does so much for me.  for now, tho, rest.  relax.  don't worry 'bout a thing, baby.   

my chest just knotted up, which means fear (i can at least  know that now).   i'm scared at how stressed i'll become taking care of him.  which is also stressing me out just thinking about it.   dang.  and the fear continues to being so stressed out that i get physically sick again.   i'm having a hard time with all of this right now.  my little me is crying inside.   she's scared, too, and i don't know how to comfort her about this.  we both know the reality of it.  i guess i'll just pray.

possible reprieve.  as much as i'd love to take care of him, i know that it would stress me out something terrible.  the doc who did the surgery is 125 mi. away, so he's up there now, staying at his sister's.  his doc told him he would have to be on his stomach for a week, and after one day he's already telling me that it's killing his back.  he had to go back today, and possibly back again within a week, which will hopefully mean that his sister will let him stay with her until he's well enough to come home.   fingers crossed and prayers flying.  i wish i were well enough to care for him, but i'm facing more facts about how sick i am, my body is, and adding stress is only a bleak dark spot on my horizon now. 

my little me is sick at the thought, and i can't help her.  all i can say is that i'll deal with whatever comes down the pike, but i'm so sick of becoming even more ill, of wearing out my adrenals even more.  i've been doing relaxation stuff, and that helps.  having feelings is making me more human, but i don't like feeling this fear.  it's everywhere, and i'm not used to it. 

i've also gotten stuck in this quandary about doing this work, but it is so stressful, which hurts me and causes me to become non-functional at times.  yet, i want to feel happy, i want to know what feeling loved feels like, and i can only feel those good things by doing the work.  i feel so strapped.  sometimes i just don't know.  if not for my daughter . . .

Dear sanmagic! I wish I could fly to you, look you in the eye and tell you how much you are worth! You, who have given so much, to your clients over the years, to your family, and have not received an equitable return on your investment. Thank goodness for your daughter and husband!

Standing beside you, dear.  :hug:

thanks, 3 roses, and thank you god for them, indeed.  they both need me and have given me so much, but he would understand.  i just couldn't do anything to hurt her.  hangin' on by fingernails . .  luckily i've got good, strong nails, but even they are becoming ravaged by fungal infections!  i know, how gross!!!  stuff just keeps popping up from all this.  like my body is simply disintegrating.  but i do take strength from you and the responses i get here.  these are the best people, ever!

 :hug:

thank you my dear.  sorely needed.

realized today how frantically i've been attacking all this, and how much it's still reflecting that message from my dad about being a role model for others, and, even more so, how it goes even deeper to the belief that i'm not ok the way i am.  i always have to be improving, always have to be striving to get it right, always have to be reaching for that elusive and impossible goal of perfection.

my husband has been gone because of surgery, won't be home till wed.  my schedule has become completely different without him here.  no anticipating the alarm going off at 4:45 am, waking myself up so that i can make his food for the day (being a good 'mexican' wife, even tho i'm not mexican and i hate cooking), and generally on alert as to what his schedule is going to be that day, if he's going to come home while i'm trying to sleep (because i'm not tired at night until 10 or 11, so not enough sleep any day), paying attention to him and his needs (even tho he does so many errands for me) feels interruptive, and having to make our popcorn/snack while watching tv at night, which only goes on for about an hour, and he falls asleep cuz he's exhausted by 8.

i know it sounds petty, but this week without him has been so good for me.   i know i'm disappointing people, too.  like, one of my girlfriends is very politically active, knows all the behind-the-scenes stuff, and i know most of it as well, but i've told her that i just can't talk w/ her about it anymore, it's too upsetting, too stressful.  she wants to talk to me so much about it all, and i'm holding my boundaries as hard as i can, but we still manage, when we're on the phone, to spend at least a half hour talking about this frickin' election and how horrible it is.  she was my best friend for over 50 yrs., and i just don't want to talk to her anymore, yet her mom's dying, and i want to be supportive of that, so i call her like once a month.  it breaks my heart on one level.

my other dear friend is planning to visit here in dec. and at first she was going to stay with us.  thank you god for my new truth voice.  i finally told her that i'd rather put her up in a hotel, it just won't work to have her here cuz of my hub's schedule, and we don't have the room.  i told her how much money i have that i can afford to spend cuz she's also very poor.  she used to live here, and i know she wants to go around with me, see people, places, and things, but i'm just not going to be able to be her playmate the way she wants me to, either, so i know i'll be disappointing her as well.  it happened when i went to visit her in march - i just couldn't go all the places she wanted me to go, and i know she wasn't happy about it.

i hate the thought of disappointing people, but i also know that my system just can't take it, my emotional state can't take it, and i won't back down.  they will be disappointed, but there's nothing i can do about it.  i just hate it.  i used to be the life of the party!  hahaha!!!

for some reason it seemed important that i write this down.  i think i was getting anxious about it.  and i still have to learn better how not to do that.  for right now, i'm more aware than ever about how sick i am, more than i thought, and i want to last as long as i can in the best possible way.  my last breakdown, what, a month ago? has been so awful to crawl back out of.  i don't want to go thru that again.  so, now i'm scared of having to deal with anything anymore because i don't know what might possibly break me now, how fragile am i now.   i am able to do so little physically.

i'll be getting a blood test this month, see if there's anything really out of whack inside that i'm not aware of.  we'll see how that goes.  but, i can't count the number of blood tests i've taken in my life that showed no major problems, yet i felt like crap, and no one investigated further.  and this one is to see if i have a fungal infection in my system (a real possibility) and if my liver is in good enough shape to handle the medicine to help wipe it out.  and the last time i took some stronger medicine for this, i ended up with the runs for 3 weeks and an infection in my kidneys, as well as possibly in my liver, and had to go on antibiotics for a week, and i'm scared that's gonna happen again.

past experience is fueling these thoughts and the fear around them.  the kidney thing happened this year.  the breakdown happened about 2 mos. later.  i'm sleeping better w/o my husband here.  i can't work more than 15 min/day and i'm on the verge of exhaustion.  (been trying to clean up the grit so he doesn't have to worry about it getting in his eye and causing an infection).  he's thinking he won't be able to work for a month cuz his vision will be blurry and one of his jobs is selling papers outdoors in the wind - we live in the desert - and if he's home, he'll have the tv on all day and because he's crippled, i'm the one who has to go get stuff for him when he wants it (polio at age 3, been on crutches since age 6), and i'm just dreading all of it!  and it's all coming down in the span of 6 weeks.  it's already too much in my mind, i can't imagine what it's going to be like actually going thru it.

so, deep breath, take it as it comes.  i don't want all these thoughts to be wrecking the enjoyment of having my own schedule w/ no interruptions from anyone else.  i'm thinking hermit may be a good career choice right about now.

You don't sound petty at all.  You need to look after you as your top priority.

I've come to the same place, right down to uninvolving myself in all my political activities.  I don't have the heart for it anymore, and nothing is more important than working on myself.

I've also done the "unthinkable" and told friends they couldn't stay with me.  I couldn't tolerate the strain of trying to keep up a facade when the reality is I'm barely managing to get by.  I say "no" to all sorts of things.  I don't offer to help out when ordinarily I would have. I don't recognise myself in many ways, but guess what?  I don't feel guilty anymore. 

I feel like I've been trying to keep up a pretense for so long.  All my energy went into it.  Now my energy goes into psychotherapy, healthy food and exercise, treatment, body work (breath work and Qi Gong), meditation/mindfulness, writing in my journal,  work and activities which enrich me, a few healthy, reciprocal relationships, (and some pretty meagre efforts so far to make some more), the bare minimum as regards my responsibilities to others, such as family, ditto home/garden work beyond what I get something from, my little personal goals that I don't even want to write about because they sound so silly.  It is so selfish, yet I need this and I'm in a place where I can.  I'm grateful for this time and the chance to really care for myself.  Who knows, I might get good at it.

What I'm saying is, I don't believe it is wrong and i think it is healthy to be more real and to let go of pretending.  I've been very defensive about the word "breakdown" because the people in the groups in which the bully who finally pushed me over the edge prevail, think I'm completely nuts and that is why I said crazy things about poor little her. (Aka the truth about abuse).  But yeah, I've had the mother of all breakdowns, and my first priority is caring for myself.  The irony may well turn out to be that breaking down have been the best thing that could have happened to me.

Could you talk with your husband about your health and needs and how you can best work together and support each other at such a difficult time for both of you?    Like what things you can outsource?  Maybe meals of parts of them could be delivered, or you could agree on simpler foods, maybe get some help with home chores, ignore all but the essentials, or ask friends and family for support, are head phones for TVs available?,  Maybe organise a better sleeping arrangement and general life schedule that suits you both, (possibly even preplanned time apart during each day).  Your husband might have  his own suggestions and be happy to find ways to best recuperate together.

I don't know what is or isn't possible in your situation.  It sounds like you are doing great. 

thanks, radical.  that was so uplifting, and so sad on one level.  having to accept that i'm not who i used to be, can't do what i used to love doing, can't even have good times with my friends anymore. 

but you speak the truth about having to make me my priority now, my health, my well-being.  i'm sure when my hub gets home we'll talk about all this.  and he'll be more than willing to let me do what's best for me, as much as he can.  i'm just not used to not bouncing back - this whole year has been a nightmare, and it's not ending, and i know that one thing on top of another has kept taking its toll.  i've felt so pressured to 'fix' myself because of my age, that i don't have much time left, but maybe i'm killing myself a little faster by thinking like that. 

so, that's another thing to accept, is that my recovery has to take a different avenue.  basically, that means that i have to accept that i'm good enough the way i am even if i don't make one more change in myself.  maybe i won't get my feelings back (except fear has reared its head with a vengeance!) and i have to make it ok for myself.  oooops, that's another change right there! 

and that's part of this.  change is stressful, which hurts my adrenals.  if i don't change, the fears come, and that is stressful, which hurts my adrenals.  i feel like a moebius strip, running around and around the same side of the circle only to meet myself where i began.

so, i ask for help to make it thru another day.  i do a few yoga stretches every day, a little movement.  we'll see what else we can come up with.  for now, i'm enjoying my time alone, wishing i had more.  some days i wish i could just check myself into an old folks' home, let them feed me, entertain me, and take care of me.  i'm so so tired.   thanks for the suggestions, radical, and thanks for caring.

just got back from getting bloodwork done to see if i have a systemic fungal infection.  living in mexico, fungal stuff, especially for nails, runs rampant, but it seems that mine may have gone internal and is now popping up all over the place.  we'll see if there's other stuff wrong with me as well.  ugh! 

had a fight with my hub last night and this morning.  told him that if this is too much for him, then just leave.  every fight we have, and they are on a regular basis, at least 3x/week, is that extra piece of stress that i don't need.  it has been so nice this week while he's been gone, but this is our second fight over the phone, and we had one before he left. 

he has a tendency to take something i said and either try to fix it (i didn't ask for help) or bring up how the mob, etc. run the world.  i know what's going on, i've told him about this many times, he keeps doing it.  or, he'll say stuff like 'we have to stop eating so many sweets', or 'we have to watch out for 'whatever'', and i tell him that he needs to speak for himself, not speak for me, and he gets defensive and says 'i can say whatever i want, and if you don't like it, just say, that's not for me, or something'.  it seems he can't speak up for himself as an individual.

i've told him that every breakdown i have kills a piece of me, and that extra stress is killing me faster, but he either doesn't want to hear it, or doesn't want to acknowledge it.  so, this morning i told him that i can say anything i want as well, like 'you ((**(Y" or '((&^ you' but i don't because i love and respect him.  i think it comes from his dad saying 'this is my house and i can do anything i want here'. 

he had begun therapy for his perceptions on communication, but she turned out to be the therapist who was untrained, and liked to talk to him about what was going on in admin.  he had 4 sessions with her, and each time he said, i think we'll start getting into it next time' and nothing ever happened.

i'm just so frustrated, so stressed, so not looking forward to him coming home.  i hate to cook, and while he's been gone the most i've done on the stove is heat up some soup and boil some pasta.  when he's here, i'm up with him at 4:45 every a.m., cooking a meal for him to take with him, beside all the extras, fo he has food for the day, because he's basically gone for 12 hrs.

i know i said this all before, but this fight brought it all back up, and i thought of my little me in all this, and i can't comfort her.  she knows what i know as an adult, and i can't change this frickin' election, i can't change the state of the world, i can't change any of the stuff that hurts us all.  and, i can't change that my hub works for pesos a day at a job w/ gringo bosses who treat mexican's like crap, him especially, and he lusts after my money (soc. sec.) and i feel that, i've heard his comments, and i've helped him so much financially but i can't stand hearing him want more from me! 

so, color me selfish and whiny and just plain messed up.  my health is failing and my little me just stays in the corner of my belly waiting.  and there's nothing i can do. 

and, radical, yes, those were all wonderful suggestions you gave me, but they all cost money that we don't have.  besides, i don't even like eating anyone's cooking down here anymore cuz everything is fried, and i rarely use oil/grease in making food, and i don't trust how they keep their food, and i'm nervous when people come to my house to clean, just don't like their presence here.  everyone looks at what we have (which isn't much, a tv and a dvd and a computer) and covets it, and i've had people clean and steal.   i just want everyone to leave me alone!  i want to get well!  but i don't know, realistically, if that's possible.  so, i'm dying, and i'm working to do it at a slower pace rather than at a quicker pace, but (*&^^(^( it, if he doesn't get his (*Y^ together, i'm gonna have to throw him out, too, and find somewhere else to go.   maybe a nice psych institution, fill me up with drugs and let me drool my day away.   arrrgh!!!

time to go beat my bed.

Quotehe keeps doing it.  or, he'll say stuff like 'we have to stop eating so many sweets', or 'we have to watch out for 'whatever'', and i tell him that he needs to speak for himself, not speak for me

I did what he did with an ex-girlfriend years ago.  I didn't realize it, because I was hurt and defensive and trying to keep things from flying apart, but I was doing it to try to keep feeling a sense of "us" when I was feeling like she didn't want me any more.  Maybe way off base, but that reminded me of it.  She was pretty adventurous, but terrified of heights.  I lied to myself that she even wanted to go skydiving, since I did.  She was too afraid to jump, and then we spent weeks with her upset because she thought I was disappointed in her.  I wasn't, but I was thinking she did it to basically distance herself from the "us".  She and I were talking two different languages and neither of us realized it to correct it.  Dunno if any of that is helpful or maybe even the opposite.  I don't mean anything bad by it, because I've been on the opposite side and just felt invisible, unheard, and invalidated too.

Meursault

San, Oh, friend.  :hug:

How I wish I was there, with a pair of Nerf bats. I might not be very strong, but I can hold up one to defend with. Leaving you all the strength you want to spend or not spend bopping me on the arm or swinging for a grand slam. We could put whatever faces we want on the bats and let them 'smack' each other! I've actually done this with my DS and his light sabers. It helps him *play* out some of his bad feelings sometimes.

One thing to remember about the horrible, no good, despicable election coming up - this country, the USA - has survived centuries now. AND with bad, corrupt or just plain stupid presidents. We'll survive whichever candidate wins. It might not be fun or sensible, but we will survive.

As to H coveting your disability funds, I am on the other side of that one and I do know that it can get frustrating seeing the spouse who is hurting but also is home all day with more financial freedom than the spouse who's going out and working for hours a day for less than. And with me being the woman who's bringing in less, it hurts my feelings, but doesn't squash my ego. I think that for a man it can be worse. Especially in such a financially patriarchal society as Mexico.

I don't say any of this to defend or justify you or him, just to give you a breathing space while you read this and to maybe help you breathe, calm down and realize that none of this is intentional. Not what your husband's doing. Not the <please, can I call them stupid?> candidates in the US or the <can I call *them* stupid?> electorate of whom I am one. None of it is meant to hurt you.

I think when my husband starts with the royal *we*, he means it much like Mearsault means it - as a joining through choice of words. If I'm feeling playful, I'll laugh with him. If I'm in a twist, I'll fuss about him and that mouse in his pocket! He never knows which mood he's going to get until after he's spoken! Not HIS fault. So, I try to mellow out my responses. Now, even if I don't feel like laughing, I don't fuss. I just smile and say something like, 'I hope you and that mouse in your pocket can handle less sugar!'. He can smile at that, so can I. No fight. That's the part I've been liking the most lately. That's the part I wish for you very soon. At lease a break in all the fighting and fussing and squabbling. More peaceful days than not. More rest than weariness. More love than aggravation.

thanks, meursault and wife2.  i know you both care and want the best for me, and that does feel good. 

the 'we have to' thing somehow triggers me, and i'm not sure where that's coming from.  it may be from before i could speak, may be my dad telling me 'we don't do that in this house' or something like that.  i've always hated when people told me that i can't do something, because i know i can.  maybe it's against the rules, maybe someone doesn't agree with it, but i'm willing to take the consequences.  my claws come out at 'you can't do that'.  yeah?  well, i'll show you that i can.

i do think it comes from very early childhood, and once i left my parents' house, i felt free for the first time ever.  no one could tell me what to do anymore, and i explored and experimented and learned.  it was life-affirming - hmmm . . . maybe that's the key.  to tell me 'you can't' or 'we have to' is taking away my sense of freedom, sense of my own life, my own way of being.  i've fought hard and long to get to where i am with a lot of blockades and barriers to battle through.  no one's going to take that away from me at this stage of my life.

i must've hit something on the head with this, because somehow i feel stronger writing about it.

the other part of the 'we' thing was with my ex hub, who, when we were w/ people, always, always looked at me before he gave an opinion, as if to get my approval first before he spoke.  i ended up looking down at my knees when he would do that so as not to give him a clue of what i was thinking.

when there weren't other people around, he always just went along with what i said.  i thought of and made all the decisions about the house, kids, school, clothes, discipline - everything!  and, when it turned out to be a good idea, he was right there taking credit for it.  if it wasn't such a good idea, he left me holding the bag.   

there was no sense of independence, no sense of being individual.  what happened with that is that after 20 yrs. of marriage, i didn't know the man one whit.  not who he was, what his feelings about something were, his own opinions, nothing personal.  i couldn't stand it.  and then i found out who he really was after we were divorced a few years and i learned about narcissistic misogynists.  i know who he is now.

my hub and i just got off the phone and talked this all out, but, dang, i'm getting so tired of even these talks.  we've done this so many times before, and i don't trust him anymore.  i don't trust him anymore.  how sad.  sucks for a relationship.  which means, i'm looking at a future of the same stuff, the same stressors, which will continue to add to my being ill.  something's got to give, and i'm afraid it will ultimately be me.  i know it will.  it's been happening by increments, no matter how much we've talked.  his head is so full of his financial woes that he just doesn't remember, and does the same thing the next time.  i've come to hate apologies.  they're nothing but hot air.

so, another rant.  i love you all, tho, i really do.  whiffle bats, huh wife2?  i don't even have the frickin' energy for that. 

Hearing "we have to..." gets my hackles up as well.  To me, it carries an implicit assumption that my needs aren't going to be met, and I'm going to be argued to death or verbally tricked into filling another's needs regardless of the damage it does me.  Maybe there's something of that for you too?  To me, I hear: "I am right.  Your wishes don't matter.  I know what's best for you." with stuff like that.  Very infantilizing...

Something similar used to happen with my longest term girlfriend (six years) about opinions.  She rarely had an opinion of her own, and basically made me responsible for her happiness.  Sort of a mind game where I was made to make decisions, which looks empowering, but she wouldn't tell me what she thought or wanted, so I was left desperately guessing what to do that would make her happy.  I think that sort of communication is a really subtle control  issue.  It actually disguises itself as empowering, but is fundamentally disempowering, because all those decisions made "in the dark" are inevitably going to be what the person doesn't want, which can then be used as ammunition for recriminations, blame, and guilt-tripping.  The stress of being made to take responsibility for another person's happiness is miserable, especially when they are unwilling to tell you their preferences.  It's really unfair in a relationship.  I'd end up an anxious, gulit-ridden basketcase, and then behave however she'd want.

It's too bad hearing about things with your husband.  Sounds like you're really working at trying to resolve things and communicate.  Frustrating!

Meursault

it IS frustrating!  these talks have happened too many times before, and after a bit, the same b.s. happens again.  i've been battling people over one thing and another just to be me all my life, and i can't believe it's still happening!  i'm too sick to keep doing this, it is too stressful, and as it continues, it makes me even sicker. 

i do think what you described w/ your ex is a mind (*(&) game, merusault.  that's how i see it now with my ex.  it's bullpucky, passive-aggressive, and a set-up.  grrrr!!!  always looks like they're backing you up, but as soon as something goes wrong, you're falling 50 stories without a net.  i'm glad for both our sakes we're out of those relationships. 

so, my hub comes home wed. and we're going to see a doc he knows about this fungal infection that's taking over my body.  we'll see if i can finally get some medication that my body will tolerate at the same time it's able to wipe this crap out.  the downside of this is that these fungi spores are in the air here, so it's really easy to inhale them again and again.  i never had a problem like this when i lived up north in the states.   geez, i wonder if i might have to move, leave here, leave my hub just for the sake of my health - oh, that's a gruesome thought.  but, i guess since it came to my mind, it's a possibility i may have to take into consideration.  not now, tho.  i need some rest.  these arguments now take it out of me big time.

so, ever onward, hey meursault?  one foot in front of the other.  we'll get thru this together.  keep taking care of you the best you can.  i'll be doing the same.

i had a big talk w/ my hub yesterday, and told him the b.s. with our communication has to stop or one of us is leaving the relationship.  i can't take anymore stress from him.  i'm still not walking well after the fight we had 2 nights ago.  my truth voice is speaking up, i'm in survival mode now, and i have things to do before i die.  stressing me out over the use of a word is just killing me faster.  i won't have it.

i told him that if he could see my eyes he'd know i was serious, and he told me that he knew cuz he could hear it in my voice.  i told him that  before he speaks to me he needs to ask himself one question:  how would i want someone to speak to me?  lecture? confrontation? battle stance? minimize thoughts and/or feelings?  then speak accordingly.

right now, i feel as bad as i did when i ran away from home originally to come down here to heal, like i was dying, and that if i stayed up there i would die sooner rather than later.  that's where i'm at now.  i got my bloodwork back, and i've never had results like this.  red blood count is up, white blood count is down.  i'll be seeing a doc tomorrow that my hub thinks will give me a straight answer on what's going on with me, but i have so little trust in docs anymore.  he knows nothing about my history, what i've gone thru.  we'll see.  all i know is that i'm dying and i hope it's not to late to turn this around.

I'm praying that the doctor listens and understands that (heard this last night on TV, totally stealing it) medicine is about PEOPLE. Healing can only happen when the patient believes he/she can and is going to get better. My prayer for you personally is that you are able to believe in your own ability to cast some of this sickness out of yourself and that you believe the doctor can help to that end.

You ARE worthy of being saved. You ARE worthy of being loved. You ARE worthy of health. May God hear my prayer and answer with a miracle of healing for you! :hug:

thank you, my dear.  i hold your prayers in my heart.  i will see this doc tomorrow, and hopefully will find out what is going on and if it can be fixed.  all i am able to do right now is attempt to stay calm, relax, let go of the stress so i can walk correctly again.  i don't know what to expect, so i'm not expecting anything.  we'll just see what happens.  i'll keep you posted.  thanks, again.  so appreciated, tears of gratitude. sending love and hugs.

My mom had a fungal lung infection at one point   I certainly don't envy you!  Crossing my fingers that they hit on the right solution quickly!

Meursault

thanks, meursault.  what did she have to do to get rid of it?  i don't doubt i'm suffering from the same thing, only now it's coming out all over me as well.  i go see a doc tomorrow w/ my bloodwork, but the more i know, the better i feel about telling these docs what's going on and what i need. 

Sorry for not commenting on things with your husband, BTW.  I don't really know what to say to offer encouragement there.  I think you're being really open and healthy with what you're telling him, but it's got to be making you pretty sad. 

I just thought with every thing you're going through, isn't life nasty throwing on even more.  I called my mom and asked what helped and she can't remember what it was (that was 15 years ago).  She only remembers a couple of doctors telling her that it would have to run it's course and there was nothing to be done, but also remembers some doctor giving her medicine, and trying several different ones before they hit on the right one.   She said it lasted over a year for sure, though, before it went away.  She also only has one kidney, so they are often limited what meds they can prescribe her, so that likely accounted for the original doctors taking a hands off approach.  I'm truly sorry I can't be more helpful!

Hope it goes well at the docs.... One foot in front of the other indeed!

Meursault

my favorite doc came to the house last night to look at my bloodwork, told me his take on things.  i've suffered from over-inflammation for a long time, and he said that the whole fungal thing, my lethargy, lack of energy, not being able to walk well could all be attributed to that, so he wrote out an order for more tests to see how bad the inflammation really is before he prescribes anything for it.  so, off to the lab this morning, again.  i can't tell you how many docs i've told over the years about this inflammation prob., and someone is finally going to take a look at it.  and, yes, it's caused by stress, by the immune system turning on itself over time due to chronic stress which certainly results from trauma.

my hub and i also had a big talk last night about our communication problems.  he's finally home after his eye surgery, will need a month before he can see clearly from his eye.  i told him my truths about how different my schedule was with him gone, no cooking (cuz i hate to cook, always have), different sleep schedule, all that, but that the fighting with him, his defensiveness, his lectures when he thinks i should be doing something different - well, he just said that he doesn't want to be hurting me, i know what i'm like, that i can be explosive, so i'm going to move out, give you some peace, and maybe you can get better.

it broke my heart, but i realized a little later that he didn't say anything about getting help to change.  all he kept saying is 'i have to keep my mouth shut'.  very sad to me.  we've talked at length about how he talks to and treats me like his father did to his mom, but he won't do what needs to be done to break that cycle, and that's what really breaks my heart.  i don't know what will happen with this, i don't have a plan or money, so i'll just have to have faith that whatever happens i'll deal with it.  but, i can't tell you how nice it was to have the house to myself on my schedule doing only for me when i wanted to.  i didn't really miss him, and the fights on the phone made matters worse as far as my stress level went.

so, we'll see how this plays out.  thanks for your concern, meursault.  whatever happens is what's supposed to happen.  i've got good people wishing me well, support, and a fabulous guardian angel watching over me.  that's it for now.  who knows what might change in the next few days?

My husband and I recently threw away all our ibuprofen and started using turmeric as an anti-inflammatory. Seems to have helped. Here's a link to other, natural solutions:     

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/02/02/anti-inflammatory-foods-herbs-spices.aspx

And another article on foods that can cause inflammation:

http://www.eatthis.com/foods-that-cause-inflammation

thanks, 3 roses.  already use turmeric, oregano, anything herbal i've been able to find.  have been acquainted w/ inflammatory-producing foods for a long time.  this is now my system completely on the fritz.  ibuprofen has helped the most during the years. but i'm afraid that this is autoimmune stuff that has been out of whack for years - not being able to move well after stressful situations (at that time, it took a lot longer to kick in) has been happening to me for over 20 yrs., started when i was still married to hub #2.   it now just takes less stress for it to be overwhelming me, including frustrating repeated arguments.  plus, i had that emotional breakdown just over a month ago where i couldn't walk well for 2 weeks.  this is all just been piling up over the years and is coming to fruition in a horrible way. 

got more bloodwork done this morning, we'll see what that reveals.  i still think adrenal glands are part of this, and i brought it up to the doc last nite, but he pretty much dismissed it.  so, we'll wait and see.  i'm holding on, with everyone's help.

my hub said something to me last night about how he and i think differently about these things.  i told him, yeah, you think it's already happened, leave it in the past (even tho the therapist at the time told him that therapeutically, these things must be rooted out, so going back over them is essential.  he doesn't remember these things very well), let it go, let go and let god, don't dwell on it.  i then said that the people on this forum have all been told the same thing, and it's because others, like you, haven't gone thru the same stuff so you just don't understand.  we've been over this conversation at least a dozen times.  it's too tiring anymore.

i so appreciate all the support i've gotten here, from all you lovely, kind, and caring people.  i'll keep you posted.  thanks again for the suggestions, 3 roses.

Sanmagic - sending you lots of love, peaceful thoughts, hope and rest. Prayers are underway also!

Yes, I get the same sort of conversation from my husband, which is why I don't share much with him anymore. He doesn't comprehend the value of bringing this stuff up in order to let it go. And he has cPTSD also, from far worse circumstances than my own! He doesn't see the link between all of his history building up inside his body and the chronic pain he's experienced most of his adult life. If I tried to bring up the link, or the book 'The Body Keeps The Score', he'd think it was psychobabble and ask me to leave him alone about it. And hand him the aspirin. And fire up the back massager.

One more prayer for a doctor who can see the whole of you, help the whole of you and give you a path back to good, quality health and living.

thanks, wife2.  i'm hoping this doc, who i do know and trust, and has cared for me since i got here (i lived w/ his mom for a year, so i know the family, and they've been very good to me) will help.  i know he's got my best interest at heart, which is a start.  the prayers are so appreciated, thanks. 

in the meantime, i'll be looking up info on adrenal glands in spanish that i can print out for him.  i don't see how they couldn't have been affected negatively!  there were too many years in a row when i was constantly on high alert.

and, my hub, bless his heart, just wants to stay in his own hidey-hole.  he said last night that he was gonna ask his brother to bring the futon mattress in from the porch, put it in the other room for him.  of course, that hasn't been done.  the idea of him leaving came from him, but i wouldn't bet money on it.  instead we'll probably be roommates (we've been little more than that for years already.  he had hip replacement surgery at least 10 yrs. ago and was so scared that ( even after the surgeon told him he was fine), having sex would make it jump out of the socket, that intimate relations basically petered out and died (yeah, pun.  hahaha) and are a thing of the long past.  i repeatedly told him to talk to someone about it, a doc, therapist, someone, he always said he would, he never did.  i don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore - he says stuff to please my ears, i think, and then it just fades away.  and if i bring it up, it's like i'm nagging him and he gets defensive.  i'm too tired now to argue or challenge.  i've about had it.

so nothing's been done, he's done errands for me when i've been sick, and we watch a little tv together at night.  not the life i would've chosen, and we've grown farther and farther apart because of it.  we share a bed, but only as a place to sleep.  i look at him now and see a coward.  i don't like that at all. frustrating as crapola.  gack!

all inflammation tests came back neg. i'm as frustrated as i can be. my hub and i ended on a pos. note last night, but he's all wrapped up with getting his eyesight back, says he's willing to work on our communication problems when he can see.  this is a man who spent 30 yrs. on the streets as a druggie, didn't give a rip about his body, and now nothing is as important as it is, and he is constantly scared about his well-being.  i feel like i'm trapped, and drowning at the same time.  i don't know why this physical stuff keeps happening to me, can't find explanations, so can't fix it.  i feel better today, but that means nothing to me anymore.  i'm ticked off, sad, confused (i've spent a lot of my life confused) and pretty hopeless, to tell the truth.  pretty down.  i'm not liking where i'm at.  sucks.

my little me?  who knows!  maybe we've integrated. 

Grrr! I was really hoping you'd get some answers and help for the pain you're in.  :stars:

Hang in there! I am sending tons of positive, hopeful thoughts your way. We're with you :hug:

thanks for the anger, 3 roses.  i never even felt it for myself.  this has gone on for so many years, i can't even count them anymore.  all the tests come back saying there's nothing wrong with me.  yet i have physical stuff going on that can be seen - the fungal stuff, the 'slows' - but there's never any explanation.  never any problem showing on paper, no tests that shed a light on what could be causing this stuff.  i don't know what to think or feel anymore.  this is at least 30 yrs. of the same b.s. 

you all have been great, and i couldn't have hung on this long without you.  today i'm feeling pretty good, at least - i've got my legs back, which is always a good sign to me.  i can't explain this to myself, let alone to a doc.  and they just scratch their heads and look at me and say 'i don't know' and on to the next patient.  thank you all for your support and well wishes.  truly appreciated.

You've let me lean on you for which I am deeply grateful. Now, may I ask you to lean on me? I've got my hands on your shoulders (replace them wherever is most helpful). Rest your head on my shoulder. Cry if you want to. Sigh if you want to. I'm here beside you, praying for health and peace for you.  :hug:

Sorry for butting in and forgive me if iv missed anything but reading your posts about tests always coming back negative reminds me of myself a few yrs ago. They thought it might be lupus but then it wasnt. I had loads of tests done and all neg. I started to feel like i was making it all up.
Anyway just wanted to say i went to a rheumatologist who asked me about my past and any trauma then diagnosed me with fibromyalgia .
Not sure if that is any help to you but i do understand your frustrations.  :hug:

wife2, i'm leaning, and grateful for your sweet soul.  i'm about played out.   funny you should think of hands on shoulders.  one of my best friends did the same thing for me when i was staying with her and had a nightmare.  she placed a hand on my shoulder to gently wake me up, and her hand felt so soothing that i was comforted and was able to go back to a dreamless sleep.  to this day, (she is also suffering) one of the things we end our email with is 'hand on shoulder'.  now i have yours as well.  perfect.

sandstone, yep, i know what you mean about beginning to think it's 'all in my head'.  that's the most horrible experience.  but i know now that it's not just in my head, and this is my last fight.  and, you're never too late to join the party.

my hub is finally on board.  we had the best talk yesterday, and i think he finally gets it.  i found info on adrenal fatigue (i'm convinced it's what's going on - my doc said that this fungal infection thing is caused by 2 things - sugar (my blood sugar level is fine) or inflammation (those tests came back neg., altho, no matter what the tests say, i know that i have inflammation problems, too much of it in reaction to stress, and very physical manifestations because of it.  i'm now trusting my gut and my own knowing of my body, and those tests can take a flying leap!).  so i began looking up info on adrenal fatigue (i was in an emergency state for 20 yrs.  how could those glands have stayed healthy through that?) and got what i needed.  symptoms (i have about 8 out of 10), the whole idea of when they're out of whack they send the whole rest of the body's systems out of whack (yep!), and that they can cause the immune system to be compromised which allows a whole host of pathogens in, including fungal infections.  bingo!

so, i read this to my hub, and after i read the symptoms, and he understood the part that a.g. play in regulating the body, he just looked at me and said 'i can't believe you're still alive.'  it is a miracle, cuz it's been touch and go a few times.  one friend has told me the same thing.  so, we took this info to the doc, and he's not quite convinced, so i have one more test to do today, to check on my thyroid.  it's been checked in the past, (i'd pushed for it to try to explain my constant fatigue to docs in the past), it always came back just fine).  so, this is it for me. 

at least my doc knows that even tho the tests don't show a fungal infection, i have one and it's popping out all over now.  now he has the info and story of my adrenals and what they've been thru (he doesn't want to believe it, tho - most mainstream medicine doesn't recognize it - just like alexithymia or c-ptsd), and there is a cure for a.f. which is rest, sleep, more sleep, and something like the paleo diet - back to basics with food.  happily i quit smoking last year, so that's one thing i don't have to worry about (altho there have been several times thru all this that i've wanted to start puffin' away!)

so, we'll see what this thyroid test says, but probably not till mon.  in the meantime, i'm just gonna eat up the dairy i already bought and begin cleaning my 'house' next time i go shopping.  i know i won't do this all at once - i'll probably make sure i have ice cream before i get serious about this! - but i have a plan and a future, and i haven't had either for so long.  i've also had to stop working on my issues cuz it's just too stressful, so i'll remain out of touch with my emotions for awhile, if not forever, who knows, and wing it when i have to.  in the meantime, my bed and i are going to become best friends again (and the shrink who told me to work on my sleep hygiene can just blow!)   

)(()&&^&^%(_+()&^%(^%%$  is about all i have to say to all the people who have sent me down the wrong path, who have harmed me in all their nefarious (love that word) ways, and who have tried to make me into someone that suited them.  i am a flower child, my soul was born in the 60's when i discovered freedom of spirit, independence of self, and love, sweet love.  and i shall wear purple whenever i dam' well please, and flowers in my hair whenever possible.  i've found me again, at least in this moment.  and i love her so.  she's wonderful, a beautiful human being, flaws and everything.  and she makes mistakes, and she doesn't know it all (and now she doesn't have/need to) and she will fly into the side of a barn when her time comes (like in the movie 'second hand lions' - if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it), or she will choose her time with no regrets, knowing she has lived a full, fabulous life (like maude in 'harold and maude' - another one of my very favorites).  i feel a peace which i haven't felt in a very long time. 

 :fireworks:

:hug:

thanks, radical.  it is a celebration of self.  let's see how long this holds.  for now, tho, i shall enjoy1

 :party: :waveline: :waveline:

You are worth celebrating!

Oh, and I absolutely love the word nefarious and the movie Second Hand Lions!  :applause:

thanks, my dear.  that brought a big smile immediately!

my hub and i have been having some of the best talks of our marriage these past few days.  the silver lining to his eye surgery is that he has to be home and down as much as possible, probably for another 2 weeks.  i was dreading it because of the interruption to my day/routine, but it's going along much more smoothly than i imagined.  he's proving himself to be someone who i enjoy being around once again. 

i also have been able to tell him how my schedule was so different while he was gone for those 9 days, how i didn't cook, was able to sleep longer and deeper without knowing that his alarm was going to go off at 4:45 every morning, and he's been so very accommodating at wanting to make sure i'm as stress-free as possible (i'm quite convinced i have adrenal fatigue, and i need rest, sleep, and no stress as much as possible in order to allow them to possibly get back on track).

i told him that i cooked for him in order that i was being a 'good wife', even tho he's known from the beginning that i hate to cook.  he told me that he didn't want a 'good wife' but a wife that was happy and healthy and well, and he'd rather i do whatever was necessary to reach that end, not to worry about him or about catering to him.  i know that was coming from a place in his heart of pure love - thinking about it now, i only wish i could've felt it!  still, i know it's there, and i'm so grateful now that i've been blessed with this man.

so, moving forward, i still have one more blood test this morning to see if my thyroid is functioning properly.  but i'm feeling emotionally better than i have in a long time - this has been a rough year.  so, i'm glad of that as well.  and so thankful for all of you - i don't think i could've made it this far without you, your kindness, caring, love, and support.  love to you, too.

yesterday i found myself crying at the slightest anything, pos. or neg.  as i began questioning this behavior, i realized that i'm grieving the loss of my friend of 20 yrs. who i basically dumped about 2 wks. ago!  along with that, my hub's best friend died a few days ago, and i just stayed strong for him, not realizing that this man had been a good friend of mine as well, and that i would miss him.

more delayed realizations and reactions.  i hadn't really felt the loss of my girlfriend until yesterday.  this seems so bizarre to me.  so, i'm in a crummy mood today, but at least i finally understand why.  i even had funerals for them, but didn't really feel anything.  anyway, good-bye to both of them.   

 :hug: to you sanmagic. Be good to yourself.  :heythere:

 :hug: friend. Peace to your heart.

i just ordered van der kolk's book, and should be getting it while i'm at my daughter's.  when i come home, i'll be diving in and giving it a shot.  it feels like the final hope that i may have a chance of turning this around.  i know my brain is damaged, don't need mri or ct scans to tell me.  doing the exercises to re-wire my brain that i got from my therapist friend became too stressful, using too much energy, and wore me down.  this fungal infection is hurting me as well, i know, and am on a new regimen of meds for that.  we'll see what happens.  this doc told me that the inner infection and the stuff on my skin should go away in 2-4 weeks.  don't know that i believe him, but am giving it a shot his way.  in the meantime, my immune system is nearly zero, so i have to be very careful about getting sick - it'll go straight to my lungs, and i'm already beyond the usual antibiotics - have had to use them too many times already, and they've stopped working.  i'm working hard at keeping the fear at bay.

believe me when i tell you that i take all those hugs and warm wishes straight into my heart and nurture them there.  you have all been part of what has helped keep me fighting.  just know that if i go under, it's only because i got overwhelmed one too many times, and simply couldn't get up for another go at it.  for right now, i'm still in the ring.  unless someone or something coldcocks me, i've got such wonderful people in my corner that i won't be throwing in the towel.  that towel will only hit the mat if it's out of my hands.  until then, dammit, i'm in the next round.

I'm in your corner!  :cheer:

i know you are, 3 roses, and have been from the beginning.  you've done so much for me, and you're one of the ones i'm fighting for.   my fervent hope is that you and all the rest of everyone can see that c-ptsd is deadly on so many levels.  it's not in our heads, not made up, not imagined.  it's so real, all of it.  it's as bad as it feels, if not worse.  all the doubts i've experienced about this in my own life, and all the doubts i've read about in this forum have kept us from tackling this beast with everything we've got.  i know because i've spent so much time doubting myself and the reality of how i've viewed what was going on around me, questioning whether it's really as bad as i thought or was i making it out to be worse than i thought. 

i'm not doubting anymore.   it's worse than what i imagined.  instead of spitting out what was being thrown at me, i swallowed it all, not even knowing what i was doing.  i thank everything good and loving that this forum is here and people are discovering what they didn't know before it's too late for them.   and thanks hugely to kizzie for starting this place,   you all are getting validation that your thoughts and feelings are as real as they seem.   bless you all for your courage to speak up and speak out in such truthful, kind, and caring ways.

You're really inspiring, sanmagic.  It is a battle too!  It must be the nature of this stuff, I guess, how we can see it so clearly for other people how hard it is, but for ourselves that compassion is so hard to find.  What is it?  Is it because we came from environments where we were taught and shown how we aren't allowed to have boundaries, protect ourselves, etc?  How it was punishable to think it was wrong, and we were taught it was right and natural to view ourselves as "less than"?  How it was so normalized?  And then years of well-meaning friends undermining with their assumptions and advice, and invalidation from professionals reinforcing that it's just a failure on our parts and "normal" people could deal with it.  I really think that one of the biggest hurdles is dealing with that belief:  what we are going through is just natural and normal and deserved, and it's not "so bad" that we are allowed to take our own suffering seriously enough to give ourselves the care we really need.

You're dealing with tons of stuff right now.  And you're handling it really well.  Goes to show how strong you are with it all...

Meursault

San, I hope today is a good day for you, friend. Praying for just enough strength to get through this day for you. And enough hope to look forward to your trip.

Meursault, I have some ideas on why and how these things become 'normalized', but will post elsewhere so as to not hijack this thread.

thank you both for your kind words and wishes and prayers.  i need them all now, just get me through this day, i'll start over tomorrow. 

meursault, from what i know, our brains have been wired wrongly by others, so we see and experience the world and ourselves in it differently from 'normal' people.  all that you mentioned has gone into the incorrect wiring and further damage, which makes it even more difficult to see both ourselves and the world clearly and correctly.  i think that once we are able to get to the point that we can know this, we are able to fight it differently, more efficiently, more cleanly.  we are able to put our anger where it belongs, along with the guilt, shame, and every other neg. feeling we have about ourselves, onto the people who have done this crapola to us.  it's on them, not on us, no matter who told us differently.

wife2, as always, many thanks.  i will get thru today in part because of you.  my sights are set on leaving the 19th.  i made my daughter and her 2 roomies a god's eye (ojo de dios) for their place.  i made myself one a long time ago, and it hangs over our bed.  it was started by an indigenous tribe in the sierra madre mountains, and is said to bring protection to the entire house and all who live there, as well as a seeing and knowing of what might be yet unknown.  if i could, i would make one for everyone here, if they wanted it.  in the meantime, the battle rages on.

What a thoughtful gift for your daughter! I will continue my daily prayers for enough strength, love, friendship, kindness and health to get you through each day.  :hug:

thank you wife2 - you are part of those prayers in action.  bless you for all your support and kindness.