Messages

Hello Sage.

I just read through your very first journal entry, and it was interesting to read that your disabilities were linked to fybromyalgia. This is something I feel sure is the case for me.

I hope that you continue to find ways to assist you and make life easier.

And like every one else, I think that your tea party sounds perfect.

Armadillo, that sounds like an very good position to take, to step in when absolutely necessary. It was what I eventually did when my stbxH was terminally ill, and it was the right approach. Anything more was just too much.

I wish you well with everything you are dealing with.

I found my old recovery journal very recently, and it reminded me of all of the help and support you gave me, around EMDR and therapy. I am truly grateful.

I hope that you are coping well with everything you are going through, and I look forward to reconnecting when you are back on the forum.

Hi James G.

That was such an intelligent, sensitive and helpful update on your progress.

I don't know your story but I can still sense how far you have come in your recovery.

I am going to re read this post because it helps me see so much of what I have been dealing with over the past two years. Giving everything, but it never being enough. I, too, whilst still busy, can rest so much better now. And, at least, the business is so much more for me now. I was exhausted and wanted to die, every day of my life. Not suicidal at all, just didn't want to be here. I rarely feel like that now. I think that is evidence of healing.

Thank you again for the insight into your healing. So encouraging.

Hello again Hope.

I just rediscovered my old journal, and just wanted to thank you for all of the lovely, supportive comments you wrote for me in the past.

Hoping you are OK and looking forward to seeing you again when you feel ready.

Amazing. I have just discovered my old recovery journal.

It was very interesting to read it through, after so much has changed in my life.

I think it's time to resurrect it!

Welcome Zanzoken.

It's good to meet you, and I hope that you will find the help and support you need.

Being here will be positive step, I am sure.

All the best to you. You deserve a much more settled life going forward.

Hello Beekeeper.

Thank you for welcoming me back to the forum a few weeks ago. It was really appreciated. Since I came back, I have been reading journals to get a feel for everyone's place in their lives, so I hope you don't mind me making contact.

I was really interested to read about your craft activities, and making your current place a better and better place for you.

I have found it very interesting how these things become so important as paths for recovery. When my old life fell apart, I started making my own clothes, including getting to grips with a Serger! Think I did it as something to do, but it has led me to finding a 'style' and a confidence in dressing that I have never come close to before. And the fabrics are just so lovely, aren't they?

I too have a new place to live and am organising and decorating for myself, for the first time ever, and it's so rewarding.

I was stuck as well, by your relationships with your daughter. My d has recently cut me off completely because I asked her to reply to my messages. It was the first time I have ever asked anything of her, and certainly since her dad died, and she cut me off completely.

I think that you handled the situation very well, and you have helped confirm to me that my relationship with my d was not happy or healthy. It seems like you have a good base line for your relationship going forward. I wish you well with it.

Thank you again for letting me share your story.

Hello Rainy Diary.

I hope you are OK with me dipping into your journal. Since coming back to the forum, I have read some of your posts about your marriage and your problems with your in laws, both of which felt very familiar to me.

I just want to say how sorry I am to read about your worries about your cat. I have a dog, who means the world to me, and as she ages, and has episodes of illness, I am desperately worried about her, and the future. You put it so well when you referred to the timer on her.

I was also very struck by your awareness that your strategies of avoidance, defence and fawning ultimately led to you taking on stuff that wasn't yours. Since my h died, I have come to realise that this was happening a lot in our marriage. So your articulating this really helped me. Thank you.

I wish you well with your job. It sounds like you have a strong strategy to deal with the issues.

Notalone.

I have just dipped into the last few pages of your journal. I find the fact that you manage to hold down a job very inspiring, and hope that you are able to find a full time job that meets your needs. It must be so difficult but it sounds as if you are handling it really well.

Also, I wanted to thank you your openess about your marriage, and for the link about avoidant personality and marriage. It was an absolute eye opener. It very much described my late husband. It was such an empty, lonely marriage. An empty, lonely life for thirty years. Never any conflict, never any connection.

I am pleased that you have become aware of the nature of your marriage. I hope it helps you to let go of some of the guilt that we all seem to carry. I didn't start to realise my husband's part in my difficulties until after his death. It's the next goal for my healing.

Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your marriage and husband. You have helped me so much.

Hello again, Jazzy.

We talked a little in the past. Probably near the start of your time on OOTS. I remember how kind and compassionate you were.

Having just discovered and read your story describing everything that has happened to you, I just wanted to say how inspirational it was.

So good that you are still here, achieving so much, and thank you for telling your story.

This is the biggest question in my life at the moment. All of the issues around parenting, guilt, divorce, abuse and so on.

Firstly, I think we should remind ourselves that guilt is probably a huge part of being a parent, even if you don't have relational trauma.

Secondly, I think that we cptsd sufferers get chosen by certain types of people, so we shouldn't take on all of the guilt for the things that happened in our marriages. In my case, I honestly didn't feel like I had a choice in marrying my H. My NM decreed that we should marry. He agreed and I didn't think anyone else would want me, so the rest is history.

I don't think my H was abusive, but he was quite odd. He hated conflict, so there were no fights but nothing was resolved. He disliked family activities, and had no friends. He never said sorry or admitted any mistake. When he decided to divorce me, he stated that the children were his now, and I was nothing to do with them. They went along with this.

I agree. It's so sad when you know that you have done so much for them, but they reject you. I was the practical parent who had to do everything. His only role was going to work.

I think this is where society and the role of women raises its head. Both H and children don't value anything I did.
I wonder if you feel like that?

As to where we go, to try and repair all of the damage, I just don't know.

With my son, I do not believe there is any hope of reconnecting. I could explain why, if it would help. So I have been able to let go and be at peace with that.

With my daughter, I have a little hope. I have apologised for everything. She does know how much improved I am since being on my own, but this hurts her because her Dad died.  The problem is that I see so much of myself in her, combined with her father's stubbornness, that I don't know what will happen.

I so wish that I had an answer, even a small glimmer of an idea. But I can offer the fact that you are definitely not alone in this situation. Use this forum to vent, so as to give the children space to find their own way, which may or may not be back into our lives. Finding a balance between giving them space, and not disappearing altogether is maybe the step after that.

Such a lot to deal with, but I really get what you are saying and where you are coming from. My parents were very similar, except for issues with alcohol and drugs.

I've noticed the issue with clothes very often on this forum. In the past, I was utterly clueless about clothes. As I have healed a bit, I have found a way of dressing that I actually feel OK with. I now dress and resist the urge to change my initial choice. It generally works, whereas trying different things causes stress.

You deserve to feel happy about yourself, but I know how hard it is.

Hi Homer J.

We haven't met on the forum. I have returned recently as I'm having a bad time, so I saw your journal and wanted to say hello.

I could relate so much to your description of your ruminating, especially on social interactions. I have often pondered on exactly what you said about relationships. Namely that they always seem to be on the other person's terms, no matter how close the relationship might be. I wish I knew the answer.

I am seeing a new counsellor at the end of the week. Like you said, I will be very disappointed if she doesn't have more to offer than suggestions for apps. Given that the first session was mainly fact finding, do you think you will try a further session?

I feel I need to write about my feelings on this, in the hope of mastering my emotions about it.

Perhaps someone can offer some advice. That would help, I think.

My adult d went nc a couple of months ago. This was about 1 1/2 years after her F, my H, passed away. Her reason was that I had not been nice enough to him during his illness. I did my best to care for him. I had very little help and support, especially from my children, and was recovering from his decision to divorce me.

Yesterday, I heard that she had moved into the house she has bought. I guessed that she would have done, and didn't expect her to tell me. But I was still utterly battered by the news.

She has moved many times since leaving home and I helped her, at her request, every single time. Not her F, just me.

And now I don't even get informed. I don't know her address. Nothing.

I feel so terrible, so hurt, so rejected, despite my cptsd being so much better since not being with my H. I thought I was supporting her, and not being needy.

Given that the divorce, his terminal illness and death were all more layers of trauma, this rejection feels like a final straw.

How do I deal with this? Would I ever feel safe with her anyway? Would it be better just to accept that the relationship is over for good, and avoid any reminders of her?  Could she ever be comfortable with the idea that I am mentally healthier without her Dad, without that impacting on any relationship with each other.

I am starting counselling later this week. Maybe just talking to someone will help sort my feelings.