#8 - starting over

[Tee]

The cough hangs on and sounds bad even when people are getting better tell him to keep fighting. Hugs

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  i'll pass it along. 

[sanmagic7]

i've been up all nite crying, sobbing, gutting myself with pain.  i've had people die in my life, parents, etc., but this reaction has never happened before.  i guess i healed enough to feel this pain and release these tears.  great.  wasn't able to hold on like i'd hoped.  the way he talked last nite, he's making his peace with god, saying things i've never heard him say before, like all his religious training came back to him.  it was extraordinary to me.

he also told me that if i call him one night and he doesn't answer, doesn't call back, . . . to play rock 'n' roll numbers for him.  the one he especially wants me to play is 'i'm gonna leave you' by led zeppilin, and 'miss you' by the stones.  he has a lot of people calling him, checking in on him, but he told them not to call between 9:15 and 11 at nite, cuz that's when i call to read to him.  i'm gonna miss him so much.  i just hope he doesn't suffer - i especially don't want that.  i told him i'd also play his song for me 'you are so beautiful' by joe cocker.  he chose that when we were first getting together.

i read him a section last nite about all the pain he's gone thru, from the polio to the humiliation/bullying by others cuz of being on crutches, to the prejudice/racism he had to endure growing up in the states, and how he overcame it all to become the one everybody else looked up to in the end.  he told me he was crying while i read it.   he is my heart mate.  he told me once that he hoped he'd die first cuz he was selfish - he didn't want to live with the pain of me being gone. 

thank you all for your pos. vibes, wishes, energy.  i have none left.

[Snowdrop]

Precious San, I feel heartbroken for you. I can feel your love and pain. I don't really know what else to say, but please know that you're both in my heart, and I'm sending get well wishes. There's still hope.

Please remember to look after yourself too. I know it's hard in tough situations.

Love you, San. Big hugs.

[Tee]

Hugs San my heart breaks for you both! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks to you both, snowdrop and tee.  you're beautiful people - don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, not even those nasty voices in your head.  love and hugs to you both

[buddy9832]

San, I read through a good portion of your journal. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you and your family are going through, I'm sure it is devastating . Hang in there.

I hope the best for all!   

[owl25]

I don't know what to say, san   I am sorry you are going through this. I hope he still pulls through. 

[Not Alone]

Hurting for you, San. Praying for you, husband and daughter. 

[sanmagic7]

buddy, owl, notalone - i appreciate your well wishes, prayers, and support so very much.  thank you   

this is awfully difficult to go thru.  tonite he told me the fever began yesterday.  he was coughing more.  he was pretty pooped tonite, we didn't talk too long.  i'm in limbo.  it's a terrible place to be.  happily he's got a lot of people who care about him are calling him to wish him well and check on him.  he's being taken care of, so i'm glad of that.

don't know if i'll be able to sleep tonite, either.

[Tee]

  thinking about you

[Blueberry]

  also sending EMS vibes

[Three Roses]

Words fail me, dear San. This is a terribly hard thing you're going through and I wish there was more I could do or say to help. 💔

[sanmagic7]

rtee, bb, 3r - your sympathy, well wishes, and support are so appreciated.  thank you.

my d and i are pretty low energy today.  she knows him, stayed w/ us in mexico, they both liked each other, so this is hitting her hard, too.  i feel like an ox, just plodding thru the muck to get to the end of the road.  i've been falling asleep in my chair more often now - it just feels cozier, like i'm being swaddled.  like i'm being taken care of in my sleep. 

ems is surrounding me right now, bb.  thanks for the reminder. 

[sanmagic7]

i had to ask the hard question last nite - how will i know if you don't make it thru this?  he immediately told me he was going to make it thru, not to think negatively.  i told him that, whether it was this or something else, how would i ever know if something happened to him?  this subject has come up between us before, but he never followed thru on it.  i think he's one of the types of people who believe if you talk about death, you're inviting it sooner or something.

last nite, he said that C would let me know - she checks in every few weeks with him.  i told him that wouldn't work, cuz the other nite he talked about if i call and he doesn't answer, that i was to play music he liked, sort of as a memorial it sounded like to me.  he told me that when his best friend was dying, that's what he did for him.  i said i couldn't be left hanging for weeks not knowing what was going on - what if he was in the hospital or something?  he finally agreed with that, said he'd give his brother my number.  i don't know if that will actually happen, but it's a horrible thought that i might be left hanging, either because of this illness or something else in the future.

so, i'm pretty tuckered out today after arguing my case for news about his well-being.  dang, this is hard on so many levels!