I am still trying to understand my CPTSD diagnosis, but I am having major problems with seeing my parents through a different lens. My parents were emotionally neglectful and emotionally manipulative. My father struggled with alcoholism greatly when I was younger and he would often drive drunk with my brother and I and my mom wouldn't do anything. My mom was always working and would be gone for a week at a time, but she was still absent even when she was physically present. I used to think that I was invisible when I was young, but I eventually I started to feel like a ghost instead.
My parents both had very tough and challenging childhoods and I was constantly reminded how lucky I was because I would never have to go through what they did. My father would always say this verbatim, "you will never know real trauma." But I also became the emotional support for my parents at a very young age and I am still both of their main emotional supports. All I craved was for my parents to see me and love me, but I learned I would only get that from them when being who they wanted me to be. My childhood was filled with parent surrogates and anytime someone opened their arms to me, I would happily run into them but I eventually learned that just because someone approaches you with open arms does not mean they have pure intentions. I struggle with setting boundaries and with placing myself as a priority, disregarding my needs often or sometimes purposely not fulfilling them.
My father no longer drinks as much as he once did and they have both done quite a bit of work on themselves, but when I am home with them I often get sent into what I have learned is emotional flashbacks. I am back home for a month and the last time I had a very intense emotional flashback I ended up in the hospital. Knowing and understanding how my CPTSD came to be is challenging in regards that I struggle to see my parents as causing this harm. I am very understanding of my parents, but just because I understand does not mean it hurts any less. I have tried asking my parents for some accountability, even just for putting my brother and I in harms ways time after time with drunk driving. They both do not know how to take accountability, but I also do not want to continue apologizing for them.
I have the habit of excusing people's actions against me because I am able to understand (ie: my dad's never healed his own trauma and found comfort in the numbness that alcohol provided, so I feel that I cannot be angry with him because of this). I always tell myself that my parents are just people that were trying to figure their own lives out but now with the added responsibility of children and while this is true, so is the fact that they continuously endangered us and neglected us. My father saying that I will never experience the trauma they did has become the voice in my head and I devalue my own experiences because of this. My parents are very different from who they were in my childhood and I still question if certain things even really happened and I gaslight myself into believing it didn't, but I am getting better at listening and trusting myself. It makes it hard because I see who my parents are now and while there are still some major problems, they are not who they used to be and I so grateful for that, but it just hurts so much knowing what they did and how they treated my brother and I in our childhoods and they seem to have no issue with it at all.
I struggle with trusting my parents and when they are kind or expressing their love for me, it makes me panic and I struggle with accepting it due to the emotional manipulation I experienced. I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has or is struggling with accepting their parents actions? What did you do? How did you come to accept and did you learn to forgive? I am trying to be patient with myself as I know I cannot rush my healing or rush my understanding, but it is very hard.
I am trying to listen to how I feel without letting it be impaired by my understanding of my parents, but I am finally having to confront the fact that they had a choice, but they still continued to hurt me and that is what I am having difficulty with. I became a weapon to my parents to get back at one another and they toyed with my emotions while doing so. I always saw my parents as being the ones that were hurting and that I was to be there for them, but I was just a child. I saw them as the victim even when they were hurting me, but I am the victim and they had me convinced that they were.
My heart feels like a raw, open wound. My life has been flashing before my eyes and it's like my brain is now categorizing my parents actions and my experiences into either being emotional neglect, emotional manipulation, or just into the pile of "I don't know what this is but I know that it was not okay or good." I always felt immense empathy towards my parents, but I am learning that it is because they made me feel and see them that way. I am now learning to see them without the guise of them being the victims and learning to be okay with the fact that I was victimized.
My parents both had very tough and challenging childhoods and I was constantly reminded how lucky I was because I would never have to go through what they did. My father would always say this verbatim, "you will never know real trauma." But I also became the emotional support for my parents at a very young age and I am still both of their main emotional supports. All I craved was for my parents to see me and love me, but I learned I would only get that from them when being who they wanted me to be. My childhood was filled with parent surrogates and anytime someone opened their arms to me, I would happily run into them but I eventually learned that just because someone approaches you with open arms does not mean they have pure intentions. I struggle with setting boundaries and with placing myself as a priority, disregarding my needs often or sometimes purposely not fulfilling them.
My father no longer drinks as much as he once did and they have both done quite a bit of work on themselves, but when I am home with them I often get sent into what I have learned is emotional flashbacks. I am back home for a month and the last time I had a very intense emotional flashback I ended up in the hospital. Knowing and understanding how my CPTSD came to be is challenging in regards that I struggle to see my parents as causing this harm. I am very understanding of my parents, but just because I understand does not mean it hurts any less. I have tried asking my parents for some accountability, even just for putting my brother and I in harms ways time after time with drunk driving. They both do not know how to take accountability, but I also do not want to continue apologizing for them.
I have the habit of excusing people's actions against me because I am able to understand (ie: my dad's never healed his own trauma and found comfort in the numbness that alcohol provided, so I feel that I cannot be angry with him because of this). I always tell myself that my parents are just people that were trying to figure their own lives out but now with the added responsibility of children and while this is true, so is the fact that they continuously endangered us and neglected us. My father saying that I will never experience the trauma they did has become the voice in my head and I devalue my own experiences because of this. My parents are very different from who they were in my childhood and I still question if certain things even really happened and I gaslight myself into believing it didn't, but I am getting better at listening and trusting myself. It makes it hard because I see who my parents are now and while there are still some major problems, they are not who they used to be and I so grateful for that, but it just hurts so much knowing what they did and how they treated my brother and I in our childhoods and they seem to have no issue with it at all.
I struggle with trusting my parents and when they are kind or expressing their love for me, it makes me panic and I struggle with accepting it due to the emotional manipulation I experienced. I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has or is struggling with accepting their parents actions? What did you do? How did you come to accept and did you learn to forgive? I am trying to be patient with myself as I know I cannot rush my healing or rush my understanding, but it is very hard.
I am trying to listen to how I feel without letting it be impaired by my understanding of my parents, but I am finally having to confront the fact that they had a choice, but they still continued to hurt me and that is what I am having difficulty with. I became a weapon to my parents to get back at one another and they toyed with my emotions while doing so. I always saw my parents as being the ones that were hurting and that I was to be there for them, but I was just a child. I saw them as the victim even when they were hurting me, but I am the victim and they had me convinced that they were.
My heart feels like a raw, open wound. My life has been flashing before my eyes and it's like my brain is now categorizing my parents actions and my experiences into either being emotional neglect, emotional manipulation, or just into the pile of "I don't know what this is but I know that it was not okay or good." I always felt immense empathy towards my parents, but I am learning that it is because they made me feel and see them that way. I am now learning to see them without the guise of them being the victims and learning to be okay with the fact that I was victimized.
