Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

Thank you Snowdrop, I hope you are right.

I had a talk with my GP today. My roomie's situation is difficult for him, and I told her I am scared he will emotionally guilt me into staying longer than I intend to. She told me that if he does that to tell him I need to think about it, and then come running to her and talk it out. I am scared that I am not strong enough alone to do it if he emotionally pressures me because of his own fear and desperation. I am not going to go into what his situation is, it's enough to say it's * and heartbreakingly hard.

Later I had a session with Lady T. We talked about being good enough again. And about measuring everything I do up against my self worth. If I do something poorly I am not worthy of anyone's respect, love or acceptance. And if I do something "good enough", it's still not enough, because it needs to be higher. I need to perform so much higher than what would be good enough for regular people. And since I can't ever measure up, I always feel like I'm so far below what is good enough. I told her that if I am to let go of my expectations, or of fighting to do things better than good enough in order to be good enough, then I am scared that I will lower them too much and that I will never ever reach the good enough barometer.
We had a whiteboard where she drew the lines. And she measured Mount Everest to be further down than my set expectations of how much I need to achieve on everything I do. From cooking to cleaning, to work, to art, to relationships, to friendships, to reading, understanding, getting dressed... It's not about perfectionism. I don't need to be perfect, and I don't want to be the best. I just want to be good enough, and slightly above it at times. And I want to believe it in myself, for myself. She leaned back and ruffled her hair and said she got worn out by just looking at the chart we'd made. And I agree, just looking at the board made me see how hard it is, how much harder I make it for myself. It's just..

I'm scared.

I'm scared that if I lower my expectations even slightly bit, that I will never ever surpass the "good enough" line. That I'll never reach it. And that I will then forever be cast out. Never be accepted, and taken into the warmth.
I feel mean about saying that too, like I'm disregarding the love my friends have for me. I don't doubt that, those closest to me. But it's hard for me to ask of them what I really need sometimes. I've gotten better at it, and it helps. But it's not enough, because I feel so detached from them most of the time. Like I don't fit, don't belong.. or rather.. I'm not worthy.

Tomorrow my ex comes to my city. He's coming here to visit me. I haven't seen him in 9 years I think it is now. I can't believe it's been 9 years. I've missed him, or I've missed his friendship. It will be good to see him. But also demanding.

[Sceal]

Meeting my ex has been very nice. It's just like before. Like no time has passed. It's very nice.

But being at home now makes me feel dirty, unclean, unwelcomed. It is dirty everywhere. I keep cleaning, cleaning and cleaning... But it never gets Clean. I get so exhausted.
Being at home is exhausting. Even when I don't do anything.
I have reached out to a few friends and told them straight out. I am going to need my friends in the near foreseeable future. Hopefully I have told enough so I don't wear them out. And hopefully I will actually be able to tell them when I do need them.

I am having seriously dark dark thoughts tonight

[sanmagic7]

  and much love, sceal.  we're here for you, too!

[Sceal]

Thank you

I told roomie I am going to let the landlord know this week I am moving in march. And invited him to join me, I know he doesn't like talking to them. Infact I don't think he has talked to them since we moved in 4 years ago... I was expecting a fight.
Or that he would start guilt tripping me.
He did neither. Instead he treated me with cold disgust.
I guess I should be grateful there was no fight. But I am still expecting it...
I am both dreading and looking forward to letting the landlords know I am moving.

Because then I have officially started the process and not only.. said I was going to.
But it is crushing me.

[Snowdrop]

 

[Sceal]

 

[Wattlebird]

Sounds like a good step if your roomie treats you like that.

[Sceal]

I went on this dating app...

But now I am freaking out. Am I supposed to tell them about PTSD? about why I got so many scars? About why I can't work full time? If so.. when am I supposed to tell them this?

Also why did I do this. I don't want to date now. I've never dated.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal,
You've asked a few questions here, and I hope you are ok that I try to answer them, because I think you don't have to divulge any personal information until you're ready.  Just because you've made the decision to try a dating app - doesn't mean you have to divulge anything that you don't feel comfortable to say.  Maybe just see how you feel with the person you meet.
Good luck, and I hope you enjoy your date.  I hope you meet someone nice.
You deserve to.
Take care,
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope. I am more than okay you giving me your perspective on my questions. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I ended up chatting with them, but it was unfulfilling. So I just ended up deleting the app again.

My ex asked me in all sincerity why I chose to be with him when I knew I was sick. I didn't actually know I had cptsd. PTSD hadn't even crossed my mind. Implying to me that I should never have involved anyone in a relationship with me due to my struggles, it's too hard for a partner. I admit I got a little confused by this. Because I told him about it before he came visiting the first time. And before he moved here.
But it has made me realise that I should never subjugate someone else to go through a relationship with me.

I shall remain a spinster. It's better for everyone else.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think your ex is being unfair to you. It sounds to me as though he's putting his issues on your shoulders.

You have every right to be in a relationship if that is what you would like. Not everyone has the same attitude as your ex.

[Sceal]

Thank you snowdrop. Those words are really kind. I hope you are right that I am not doomed to be forever single. Although, it wouldn't be the end of the world either. I have always been rather content on my own in adult life. I mean, sure it's nice to have someone to cuddle up against after long days. Or stay in with during storms and eat popcorn. But there is alot less drama on my own.

*Trigger warning*

Unfortunately it ended with SH last weekend. The emotions got the better of me. It was a mix of "I need these feelings to stop. I don't know how to work through them" and a "I deserve nothing better than SH. I need punishment".
It wasn't alot, but I worked really hard to stop. And now I keep thinking about it all the time.

Although, I have fallen quite numb after the weekend. I ended up with stomach pains and nausea on Monday to such a degree I couldn't tell if it was the food I had eaten, or the emotional turmoil turning physical. I wasn't able to go to the gym as planned which also felt like a defeat.  I ended up going home. Having a light-hearted conversation with roomie/ex about movies and then I sent a text to the landlord about us moving out.

I told my roomie/ex that I had consulted my psychologist. He didn't try to convince me otherwise. He was a little resigned I think. And I also think he felt a bit guilty over the treatment he put me through the past month. He bought me berries. He tends to do that when he wants to say sorry or cheer me up. I will miss that part.

I talked to my GP about it. I called an emergency appointment with her, she had told me to do it last time we spoke if my ex tried to convince me to stay. She says it sounds as if he is going through a delayed heartbreak and that he is trying all the tricks in the bag to make me not leave. No matter how useless they are. Leave no stone unturned kind of thing.  It makes sense. She also equated his behaviour to drug seeking patients, they also use all the tactics in the book..pleading, complimenting, crying, threatening, being angry, manipulation of emotions. She told me to text her if I had further SH impulses. I told her I would. But it's hard to tell her I am fighting it 90% of the time. She can't call me everyday. I have a new appointment next week.

I was supposed to see Lady T today. But I got a text saying she had to cancel because she's sick. it's unfortunate timing. I hope she feels better soon. Technically today was supposed to be my last session until after new years. 
But I got a feeling she might try to squeeze me in before Christmas if she gets better.

I am going to end today with a positive thing.
A few months ago I decided to pick up martial arts, because I am so SICK and TIRED of feeling so weak and useless. And I hope that this will make me feel stronger. And that I can learn my body that it's not weak and useless. But I haven't been for the past 3 weeks. So it was getting really really scary to get back to it again. I mean ontop of it already being scary. But I pushed through.
I met up early. And I ended up being the only woman today in the group. And it was fantastic! I mean, I am a complete beginner and I have no technique, no strength, no speed and I am clueless. But it was such a rush defeating my anxiety of going and it was so nice to feel my body working hard. And the guys were really friendly and inclusive.
It makes me look forward to next week's session.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, i wonder if you're already beginning the grieving process re: your roomie.  i know that's one time when we often revert to old, harmful coping behaviors.  don't know if that fits, but it came to mind.

i hope you don't beat yourself up about it.  i like what your gp said - it makes sense to me.  i've seen that happen in my own relationships, either to get me to stop from leaving, or to get me back.  manipulations.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and compassion.  you're going thru a really rough time, for sure.

[Sceal]

Thank you San

...
Two things
1. I think I realized what lies at the core for why I struggle with leaving my roomie now. Why I have always struggled with moving on. He was the first man who accepted when I said no. He never pushed the matter, well, except for a handful of times and only barely then, of sex if I said "no, not really in the mood". Which leaves me, which has always left me feeling like I owe him.
That I owe him everything.

2)
I did a non-emotional "recap" of my life. He is leaving for Christmas. And although I have been looking forward to him leaving for months. I often react this way when I finally get time alone 24hr a day for a few days.
But today it all feels both disconnected and so small. That I should just be able to f$-$&)ing pull myself together.

GP says that I am clearly not indifferent to the things happening in my life when all my emotions are manifesting themselves as somatic symptoms instead; nausea, crippling headache, muscle pains. I told her I know she's right, but I don't know how to reconnect my emotions.

[sanmagic7]

dear sceal,

i've had that feeling in my life when it's come to others, that i owe them because they showed me a kindness or generosity when i was down or needy. as i think on this, it seems to me that we, as people, do this kind of thing for and with each other because we are caring human beings.  we give what we can when we can.  you've done that for friends and family, and here on the forum as well.  how much do i owe you for the kindness, caring, compassion, support, suggestions, help, etc. etc. etc. that you have shown me? 

i've heard it said - take what you need, give what you can, but never give more than you have.  i think that sometimes, when we have undergone abuse and neglect, we are so grateful for any crumb that someone tosses our way, we think we owe them everything, no matter what.  i don't think we realize that we deserve the entire loaf of bread in our relationships, not just crumbs every so often.   i know i'm not quite there yet, either, but your post helped me remember this, and the more often i'm able to remember, the clearer my boundaries become and the stronger i become as a person.  so, thank you for sharing that.

i think your realization that there is a connection between your emotions and your body's messages is a first good step.  i've only begun making some of those connections.  i know now that when my chest feels tight, it means fear, even if i don't actually feel afraid.  it's a process, like anything else we do to recover our selves.  you've begun, and that counts.  the rest will eventually be there for you to make more connections. 

as far as (*&%^ing pulling yourself together, well, to my mind, that's the million dollar dilemma.  i'm still looking for the solution to that one.  i've been in crisis for over 3 mos. now, with one thing and another.  today with a little medical intervention i had one of the happiest feeling days of my life, and there was nothing special going on.  i've had to take meds before to help my mind simply be able to function, but today was different.  go figure.

sending love and a hug filled w/ patience and a future of one more step . . . then another . . .  toward more connections