Hi all,
Thanks for the replies. They kept me going in the hardest moments, they're all I have to go by currently. This is more talking to myself in a place I know it makes sense...
Everything around me is a trigger, everyone around me is abusive or inconsiderate or inhumane. This is not a culture; this is disguised narcissism where everyone is participating and perpetuating such behaviour and mistaking such feelings as caring. The negative effects and symptoms are too long to list yet none ask why.
This is the perfect scenario to go insane isn't it? Barely moving, coming in and out of ptsd flashbacks and having to close my eyes and imagine I'm somewhere else because where I am is disgusting, not bwing abe to eat..
I lived like them for a while in my childhood. I ruined my brothers confidence as a result. I abused him thinking it was good for him (I called it "training"), or when he did something great for his confidence (he is mildly autistic and finds it hard to fit in, so he decided to do a daily PA announcement under the pseudonym M squared, and he was fantastic, everyone loved it, and I berated him so badly because I thought it was useless as my parents um... instilled the fact that nothing other than school grades mattered in life. He quit soon after. I wanted to kill myself when I figured all of this out, and I still haven't managed to find a way to apologize. My own little brother who needed me the most). I'm trying to remember that despite the fact these people think they're doing good, they're not, and I see my past perspective as proof
I'm afraid of becoming that again. Not just because it's painful and I lose who I am, but I want to help my brothers or my little cousins to never be this. I want to help but I'm losing my heart forthe first time in my life. Ive always had courage but when you just crumble automatically what can be done? I don't know how to stand up for myself in the face of criticism let alone stand up alone.
-------
I spoke to my parents yesterday. I pleaded but they took offense as if I'm a failed project called me suicidal, berated me, guilt tripped me and hung up on me.
I don't see any way out of this other than dissociation. I'm losing perspective.
Lastly I noticed I used I so much in this post, that I am surely so long gone into the hole of narcissistic abuse there may be no hope left to cling onto.
From *,
InjuredW0lf
Thanks for the replies. They kept me going in the hardest moments, they're all I have to go by currently. This is more talking to myself in a place I know it makes sense...
Everything around me is a trigger, everyone around me is abusive or inconsiderate or inhumane. This is not a culture; this is disguised narcissism where everyone is participating and perpetuating such behaviour and mistaking such feelings as caring. The negative effects and symptoms are too long to list yet none ask why.
This is the perfect scenario to go insane isn't it? Barely moving, coming in and out of ptsd flashbacks and having to close my eyes and imagine I'm somewhere else because where I am is disgusting, not bwing abe to eat..
I lived like them for a while in my childhood. I ruined my brothers confidence as a result. I abused him thinking it was good for him (I called it "training"), or when he did something great for his confidence (he is mildly autistic and finds it hard to fit in, so he decided to do a daily PA announcement under the pseudonym M squared, and he was fantastic, everyone loved it, and I berated him so badly because I thought it was useless as my parents um... instilled the fact that nothing other than school grades mattered in life. He quit soon after. I wanted to kill myself when I figured all of this out, and I still haven't managed to find a way to apologize. My own little brother who needed me the most). I'm trying to remember that despite the fact these people think they're doing good, they're not, and I see my past perspective as proof
I'm afraid of becoming that again. Not just because it's painful and I lose who I am, but I want to help my brothers or my little cousins to never be this. I want to help but I'm losing my heart forthe first time in my life. Ive always had courage but when you just crumble automatically what can be done? I don't know how to stand up for myself in the face of criticism let alone stand up alone.
-------
I spoke to my parents yesterday. I pleaded but they took offense as if I'm a failed project called me suicidal, berated me, guilt tripped me and hung up on me.
I don't see any way out of this other than dissociation. I'm losing perspective.
Lastly I noticed I used I so much in this post, that I am surely so long gone into the hole of narcissistic abuse there may be no hope left to cling onto.
From *,
InjuredW0lf