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Thank you so much for your kind words. I will take look at the info.

Hi all

I have not had a proper diagnosis for many years, but after numerous breakdowns, server anxiety and depression and because of the treatment I have received so far not really touching the surface, it has caused me to research what I believe mental health services have failed to recognise in me.  I got married abroad October last year and 2 days after, certain events and behaviours there triggered what I can only describe as symptoms of complex-PTSD.

Reading all the information so far about symptoms and experiences of CPTSC, caused a light-bulb moment and makes complete sense to me.  I tried to explain many times to mental health professionals and therapists i had previously worked with that there was something more than depression and anxiety going on, as i would often feel stuck in a state of feeling traumatised and in intense fear.

I had some traumatic childhood experiences witnessing physical abuse and neglect, being placed under care of my local authority into abusive foster homes, then at the age of 11 being adopted to a couple who had no idea what they were taking on.  I experienced most of my childhood in a constant state of anxiety and fear and layers of traumatic events have also been added in my adulthood.

It has been a long and difficult year or so and though some development has been made I seem to keep becoming retraumatised.  Because I am not suicidal I am unable to access psychiatric services, i am having to pay privately for therapy, our welfare system is trying to force me into attending work focused activities which I by no means feel well enough to participate in, all whilst accessing care and adoption records I feel necessary  to see, as part of my recovery in order to understand what is going on with my psyche and better recover.

It is so hard to have the strength to go through all of this and to have enough fight to access the help I feel I deserve and need, which keeps triggering my symptoms.  It is crippling at times and feels so unjust.  I just want to get well and to be able to get some normality and joy back in my life.

Sorry to sound so down

Hi there

My life has been full of cycles of feeling different to everyone else, outside of life, isolated, depressed, avoiding feeling the pain of life, desperate, angry (mostly at myself), misunderstood, fobbed off with "it's simply depression and anxiety" when you are frozen, frightened  of people and taken back to being that abandoned, unwanted and unlovable child.  You are unable to function or go to work, petrified of getting through each day, unable to leave the house or be around anybody, shut down emotionally, not allow anyone close to you, are unable to participate in life, fearful of everything, sickened by your own being and body, immobilized and trapped with childlike feelings of despair and self loathing, anger at no one acknowledging, really listening or understanding what you experience, closed down and cold to those closest to you, embarrassed and ashamed of the angry, hurt and vulnerable part of you you hide from the world, unreachable.  You avoid doing things that would be good for you, never see things through to the point of it making a difference; then you come back to all knowing your truth that you are 'not good enough' ................ Yet over time and with tiny steps, from somewhere deep inside, you begin to trust, be a little kinder to yourself but mostly to others and very slowly you come out of the darkness and find your way back to just about coping and participating in life.

Th cycle continues of finding a sense of self and esteem through pleasing and making other people happy and appreciated.  Once that appreciation is no longer acknowledged or is under threat (though you have tried with every inch of your body), the exhaustion hits, failure AGAIN; and so goes my sense of self, my identity, my only true purpose disappears and triggers past experiences of rejection and abuse.  I hear it loud and clear!  How little I meant, how invisible I became, the only way to stay safe and survive the daily fear and emotional abuse, the threats of going to another family who will treat you worse.

My body and mind only knew fear for most of my early life and i became what i thought and believed people wanted me to be.  I became void of personality, almost impossible to like or love, displayed anxiety, mood swings and couldn't cope if anything was misplaced.  I failed to accept my abandonment and being placed into care of the local authority, and for many of those years believed I was living a bad dream I would eventually awaken from and all would be well.

The effects of most of my traumatic experiences only really hit many years after the events.  I had many nervous breakdowns over the years as layers of pain entered my body no longer the once previously detached feelings of remembered experiences.  It was only ever a layer of pain my mind could cope with, but so as I began integrating and becoming more present in my body the layers of pain and feelings intensified with each episode until after getting married in October 2015 i realised my life, my world was an illusion; i had made my wedding all about what would please everyone there, would make them happy, make them love me more and get me the recognition I truly thought I deserved.  I didn't get it though and all of these people around me, were almost strangers, my nearest and dearest would never be able to give me what I craved and wanted.  No more rose tinted glasses, It wasn't possible, nothing would fill the gaps the pain and trauma had taken from me.  The behaviour of some of my closest friends triggered and opened up memories and feelings I had forgotten for good reason.

I always hated and felt scared and unsafe around drunken people, especially where overt sexual behaviour was acted out.  Anger and altercations left me frozen and unable to cope.  This was my early years, the drunken, violent abuse my siblings and I witnessed, then the foster homes filled with abuse and trauma.  A lifetime of lies, deceit and hidden agendas. The truth and my truth never uttered, feelings shut down and not expressed yet the disappointment, regret and resentment I was to my adoptive parents I grew up feeling.  They were sold the illusion, alluded by the system who presented the dream not the reality of 3 * up kids. 

I now have a social worker who has helped me access records from my childhood so I can recover fractured memories, better understand and piece together the trauma, what happened to me and why.  I am trying  decide and work out who I am and what I want my life to be, so I can become an authentic me.

I have had no diagnosis of CPSD, but like others on here when reading about it had a light bulb moment of reality.  I am receiving adoption and attachment counselling which some what helps, but feel unable to get the help I really need.  I am having to fight to get welfare benefits and prove I am not well enough to work, I am not in crisis so am unable to get a psychiatric assessment or any specialist treatment.  I am angry that the system that should have protected me as a child didn't, and neither cares or apologises for my treatment, nor acknowledges, wants to hear or takes any responsibility for it and expects me to fund my own assessment, care and treatment.  It is like being traumatised again and again.

It's hard to know what best to do??

Sorry for the rant.  I don't want to be a victim, I want to be me and be proud.

Theresa