Why Did This Happen To Me?

[Rizzo]

I often think and ask why did this happen to me?
Why did I deserve it?
So many years of suffering.. the cycle of violence that never ends.
I guess many of you know exactly what I'm talking about
I just want to understand sometimes why?... Just why?

[GoSlash27]

Hiya Rizzo,
 Indeed, why does this happen to anyone? Why you specifically, as opposed to someone else?
 There's no satisfactory answer to that question.

 Best I can tell you is you're on this forum and there are other posters, so you're not alone.

Best,
-Slashy

[Armee]

Such a complicated question, isn't it? I do know we did not deserve what happened to us. Why it happened to us? Bad luck of the draw? I guess that is apt for initial trauma from the initial abusers. But the remaining traumas that we somehow seem to attract? That's complicated. I know why some of those happened and it's because of the original traumas and how they shaped my mind and nervous system and behaviors.

Then there's the question of why do people do these things at all?

And:

Is there a purpose to the bad things? Some people seem to draw greater meaning from their traumas. To some that is an absolutely appalling thought. Me, I guess because in the end my life turned out OK even with these traumas and symptoms I guess I can just say I'm grateful for the parts that turned out well. That one trauma led to another led to another led to me meeting my husband and having a family and a nice life. If certain horrible things hadn't happened my life would not have forked where it did. I think it's only possible to have that view if things worked out. They don't always sadly.

So I guess I know why me

I know I didn't deserve it

I don't know why these people did what they did

I know personally I am OK and my life might be better or worse without those traumas but it wouldn't be the life I currently have

Nothing helpful I know

[Little2Nothing]

There is no rhyme or reason for the brutality one person pours out on another. 

I have asked myself that same question. The only answer I get is there must have been something odious about me that brought it about. 

Logically, I know that isn't true but my emotions seem to always crush my logic. 

[Kizzie]

One thing I know for certain is that it was nothing I did.  It has everything to do with those that abuse/neglect us. And for why they chose to abuse/neglect us there are just so many factors potentially at play; trauma the perpetrator suffered, growing up in a culture that condones violence against others, addiction, living in poverty, war - all things that lead to one human being choosing to abuse another.  There are answers to why and yet the only help/peace that gives is that we know for certain it was nothing we did or didn't do, we were simply the target.

[Rizzo]

I wish I didn't feel it was my fault..
Like I deserved it.
I guess there are things you're right about.. I just can't really connect to it

[GoSlash27]

Rizzo,
 I suppose that is all part of the normal subconscious 'self defense' wiring. "I want it to stop; make sure it never happens again. but I don't know what to do to make that happen".
 When trying to make sense of an irrational situation, the brain starts looking in odd places for possible solutions.

 Was it something *I* did wrong? Maybe I'm just overreacting, etc. 
 
 Stepping back and looking at it dispassionately it's easy to see that there's no reason at all, but *living* in it... Different story.

 I can relate to this. 

Best,
-Slashy

 

 

[Kizzie]

It is difficult Rizzo and it takes time to believe it which is one reason for coming here.  Writing about how you feel and having others confirm that you are trained to feel that way over and over helps defuel that belief. It takes time and hearing over and over it is NOT your fault from fellow survivors who started off believing it was them and came to see it was not. It sets into your inner self at some point.

I hope this gives you some hope that you will feel better. 

[dalloway]

I think the hardest part of this for me is accepting the fact that there is no right answer to this, it was just unfair and not my fault and it´s so frustrating sometimes. I guess I just have to learn how to live with uncertainty and questions that cannot be answered as a part of the life. I know it sounds a bit like a mystical b.s. but at this point I don´t have the answer...maybe later I will 

[Chart]

Rizzo, Here is my attempt to answer this thread's (your) question, using rationale and science. (Though I am aware this might change very little on our emotional  level.)

First, I think it is very difficult (especially in the beginning) for good people to understand evil behavior. And that makes sense. Moral, conscious, emotional and empathic personalities are by definition relatively naive and ignorant of cruelty, especially during their developmental stages. (But of course this ignorance can change with time and learning.)

I don't believe the general model of an individuals' behavior is to directly repeat what has been witnessed and learned. This can be the case but I think it's actually more complex.

So that is to say I don't believe abusers are simply repeating what was done to them. But I do believe most abusers were themselves traumatized in one form or another.

It seems clear now that developmental trauma leads to deep layers of unconscious pain that can fester and mutate in an individual. This produces driving forces in the brain that will probably almost always seek some form of relief to the suffering, pain or imbalance in the equilibrium of the unconscious. (Here's where Attachment Theory comes into play and is extremely important in fleshing out just what exactly is the imbalance and where exactly is the suffering coming from...)

But... put simply, the brain is just a machine AND no two brains are going to develop the same in circumstances of trauma. Already the specific trauma will always be contextually different.

So why did this happen to you?

Because some brains will seek relief from pain in certain ways that other brains will not.

Why did this happen to you (or any of us)?

I think the hardest part of this for me is accepting the fact that there is no right answer to this, it was just unfair and not my fault and it´s so frustrating sometimes.

I agree with Dalloway. There is no "right" answer. Chance... pure cosmic crazy chance... roll of the dice... No logic, pure luck... luck? Bad luck? Here I'm okay to get mystical But that is another subject...

BUT REMEMBER, very important: your brain is NOT like your abusers' brains...

Is anyone here on this CPTSD forum traumatizing their children or others? No.

Trigger Warning
Is anyone on this CPTSD Forum, sexually abusing, beating, insulting, demeaning, controlling and/or ignoring their children? Or other children? Or anyone? For years? For decades?
No.
End Trigger Warning

Being aware of CPTSD is already an enormous indicator of just how sane and morally healthy we are. (And that is not arrogance, it's simple fact.)

And still even more strange we seem to be doing all the suffering. We will never know if our abusers are suffering because they will rarely get to that point of consciousness. (This too is fact as we have often tried to dialogue with our abusers. I tracked down my biological father after a twenty year absence to "talk" with him. He denied all and any violence on his part. This is completely false and untrue. I'll awake again tonight at three a.m. bloated with fear... you can't tell me anymore what is true and untrue... I know what is true... my body knows what is true... every cell in my being knows what is true...)

We admit our suffering. We come clean. We express the black confusion raging in our hearts. But we don't hurt others and to go even farther we do everything in our power to MAKE DAMN SURE WE ARE NOT DOING TO OTHERS WHAT WAS DONE TO US.

And we try to help.

Rizzo you are amazing. You bear ZERO responsibility for the abuse you have endured. The shame you feel IS NOT yours. This shame belongs to a "different" kind of human. But you are above them, far above them in honor and morality. Looking down you mistakenly see yourself below. But that is not you. To find "you" you must look elsewhere. Where exactly? No one can say for you. It is for you to decide. But you have begun to look around... (as Slashy pointed out, you are here on the forum...)

The questions you pose are not easy, and not easy to answer, or even with an "answer", easy to understand. BUT YOU HAVE BEGUN ASKING THE QUESTIONS. Again, bravo! You are brave. You are a fighter. You don't even imagine your strength.

But I see it.

And so I say to you thank you for your question. Your question has helped me today. You have made me work, but a work for goodness and a work I wish with all my heart to do. I wouldn't have done it were it not for your question. So again, simply, thank you.

[Papa Coco]

I hope this doesn't sound preachy: but kindness is something I work very hard at, so I just want to share how I use small acts of kindness to offset the horrors of this world. I'm not preaching. I'm just sharing.

Of all the attributes of this world, the abundance of selfishness and evil in this world is the most difficult thing there is for me to accept.

My wife and I are kind and friendly people. We treat everyone the same. From the president of the company to the janitor that cleans the toilets we see human beings who deserve the same respect.

I can't count how many times restaurant or hotel staffs have said things like "Whenever you come in, please sit in my section again." or "whenever you come to town, please stay with us again." It used to really confuse me why they would bother to say things like that, but then we started working with the general public and that's when we realized...there are a lot of selfish, mean people out there treating cashiers and teachers and janitors like they're inanimate parts of the building.

I used to host a huge recurring 2-day event where we catered in coffee, snacks and lunches for about 45 participants. We did this for over 5,500 students, and were crazily organizing event halls, guest speakers and food deliveries. One morning, when the food truck arrived and the young, underpaid staff were bringing in the food, I just said, "Hey, it's my favorite visitors." One of the young men, a struggling father, took me aside and said, "We (the delivery staff) fight over who gets to deliver to you every day." My jaw dropped. "Why?" I asked. He answered, "You're the only customer we have who treats us like we're human beings."

I can actually remember only three adults who ever made me feel like a human being when I was a kid. I can't remember the hundreds who treated me like I was just a stupid kid, but I remember those three adults with deep, deep gratitude.

I guess that what I've learned from people who thank me for just being nice, is that we each have the power to inject kindness into this cruel world. And being kind can be as easy as just calling someone by their name or smiling when they say something.

I feel like there's a teaspoon of joy for every barrel of pain in this world, and I work hard to try and be a part of that teaspoon. I truly believe that kindness spreads and the more we can spread it, the more we can tip the scales.

Sometimes this isn't easy. Other times It's not so hard. I have my moods too.

I also remember a quip some teacher once told me. It was a story of two men walking on a beach. For some reason thousands of starfish had washed up onto the sand and were dying in the sun. ONE of the men reached down, picked one up and tossed it back into the ocean. As he reached down for a second starfish, his friend asked "What are you doing?" He replied, "Saving a starfish." The friend chuckled. "There are thousands of them here. Your not making a difference." As the first man tossed the second one in he said "I made a difference to that one."

Sometimes I get so frustrated because I can't save the world. I can't save all the abused children or all the battered wives or all the parents who've lost their kids to ODs. I have to try and remind myself, maybe I can bring a little joy to just one person today. That's one more than none. And for me, if I can make someone smile, it works magic in my own body and mind. When I get too depressed, I often force myself to go to a store and buy something like a head of lettuce or a stick of gum just so I can say something nice to someone in the store. It really helps ME feel better. I honestly do nice things for selfish reasons. I feel better when I know I mattered to someone, even if it was just holding a door for them or offering to take their shopping cart to the cart return for them.

We have no choice but to accept the hatred and anger and fear in this world, but we do have some ability to positively influence those sufferers who are within an arm's reach. And, like I say, when I take a moment to say something kind to someone, I reap the benefits just like they do.

I feel like I'm on a soap box. I don't mean to be. But I wrestle constantly with the massive amount of pain and fear and suffering. Sometimes I sit and cry when I watch the news and see how people are being treated by other people, and I can't do a darn thing about it.

This is one of my strategies for how I manage my own fear and anger and disgust at the cruelty that surrounds me on this planet.

[Chart]