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On seeing your post, I want to say a few things. I hope they're helpful. Easier to see for other people than for myself of course. Others on the forum remind me of them when I can't see them for myself...

Just FYI, I am not doing what I wanted to do!! 

The party for my mother is today, so geez, I really wanted to not let it get to me, but omg, I just haven't gotten there yet. 

Please be gentle with yourself. You're making huge progress.
This "no more being a victim" thing - that's a really big step to make, especially from 100 to 0 or even 80 to 0 (or wherever else you would have put yourself on that scale before you decided to not be a victim anymore). The same goes for not letting the party for your M not get to you. Our emotions take their time to settle down, our heads  - our 'wants' are head-driven I do believe - run on ahead but can't force our emotions or nervous systems to settle.

I'm totally anxious and can't focus and can't do anything but sleep and watch TV.

So, that's what I'm doing.

It's OK to be just sleeping and watching TV. Another mbr reminded me a couple of days ago that processing goes on during sleep, dreams and - I remember now - while I'm zonked out. Or sometimes we just need a rest. Self-work and the processing that goes with it are tiring. It's understandable that we need rest.

Maybe next week I can start on the no longer being a victim thing... 

I think you already have started on it...

It's so weird how the brain can go forward and then backwards again!  GRRRRRRRR that dang C-PTSD!

Something I heard a long time ago, which I don't remember being said here on OOTS but maybe it has been: "Recovery isn't about reaching the end of a scale and staying there, it's about following the pendulum back-and-forth. There will always be back and forth movements but eventually the pendulum will stay more in the middle and not go into the extremes."  That's just one way to look at it and it may not be correct and I often forget all about it.

Or of course: Two steps forward, one step back.
But also: Baby steps count.
Then again: Grrrrrr.  I totally agree. Sooo frustrating.

  

I'm feeling quite frustrated by the fact that CPTSD and adult survivors of abuse, and even abused children, are so seldom talked about or supported.  I hear about PTSD from war, natural disasters, etc.  People who have physical ailments seem to get a lot of attention and support. It feels to me like this is such a taboo subject.  In the past, I've tried to talk about it with other people, and mostly gotten dismissed, or shamed, or guilt tripped into silence, so now I only talk about it here, and with my husband. 

My experience has been that people don't want to know about something they may actually be doing. It's easier to look at CPTSD or PTSD caused by war, especially the other side of the world or a few generations ago, or caused by natural disasters than to look at something that maybe someone you care about potentially did. In the past I've been asked what CSA was in my family. Friends would consider it and then come back and say they didn't think that was CSA because some of it was done in their FOO and it hadn't damaged them... Or I was asked about the relationship between me and B1 when we were children and the response would be: "that's normal, all brothers do that"     Because theirs did? Or what? When is something abuse, when is it not? I have no doubt about the CSA in my FOO but it's hard to explain it and prove it to somebody who can't pick up on the clues my body sends out (freezing, numbing etc).

During war or natural disasters you can blame some sort of higher power or mankind as a whole whereas in interpersonal abuse there are individual people involved. There were adults who saw/sensed stuff and alerted my parents but I'm sure they'd have been shocked if I'd tried to say what was really going on, like the CSA I sensed but had no words for. I don't think they would have believed me. You don't want to think that one of your best friends or an in-law is capable of stuff like that. But that was all a few decades ago. My friends' reactions aren't, they've been in the past 10-15 years. Some are no longer friends.

"Apparently" it's human nature to protect people being criticised by others, said a T to me over 20 years ago so that's why friends would end up sticking up for e.g. my parents or other people I was having trouble with. I'm not sure why it is apparently NOT human nature to stand up for somebody actually being abused, except that people don't want to interfere etc. btw that T from over 20 years ago did do a lot of psychological harm to me.

No, you're definitely not alone with this natureluvr 

Recently I rescued an earth-worm. It was in a very shallow puddle but unable to get out. Apparently they can drown. I moved it into the grass instead where it livened up immediately.

1) I eventually got up
2) I phoned a friend
3) I went into the garden twice, despite the rain
4) The scent of wild roses and some cultivated roses
5) Thinking up some things I do which are helpful to society

   for missing your sweet orange tabby boy!

I've really been avoiding a lot of the political news, which I know is a privilege. But election years are miserable and I have to protect my ability to stay calm. Can one get fatigue from society in general? or is it just my age?

I'm avoiding news too. Different continent from you, but worldwide is pretty depressing these days. Yes, you have to be able to protect your ability to stay calm and do whatever you have to do (or avoid doing) to protect yourself. I'm sure one can get fatigue from society. Maybe some of us with cptsd have learned to pull out of the battle before others do and protect ourselves rather than protesting on the streets or from home with our pens?

I sometimes read your journal, tho I don't often respond, and am glad to see that some things are going right for you. 

I'm in 'give up' mode, I even went into hibernation over Christmas, just lay in bed dozing and reading and eating the edibles I got for Christmas.

I feel ashamed of giving up.

Ditto.

It is an EF though, that much I know today. If my neighbours knew... If my landlord knew... It's none of their business that my apt is total chaos or that I'm not capable of working atm. I know my feelings of shame don't have anything to do with them. With LL, it's more me feeling ashamed of what 'the powers that be' might say. He's the boss of the building, the way FOO mbrs were boss of the house when I was still a child and the way certain FOO mbrs are still boss of the workings of FOO and how that still affects me. Even though it probably "shouldn't". But it does. That's trauma.

Carolyn Spring has a great podcast on suicide. I found it absolutely brilliant.
https://youtu.be/2G2cuf3aVM8?si=1c3A7nr_1AoQcTZV

Thanks for this link! I don't have the stamina to listen till the end, but it was helpful. Now I've listening to another of her podcasts about helping a trauma client who wants a quick fix, there was also the one about being stuck. All useful to listen to.

btw Chart if I compare what you wrote in the post I've quoted to what you're writing on the forum these days, I sense a lot of progress. 

For myself, I know I've taken one of those huuuuge steps backwards but I will come out of it again.
I feel ashamed of myself atm which is one of my reasons for re-reading parts of this thread.

She wrote me she's doing it in the evening UK time, 6-7 pm.

There's a little blurb to read, a pdf thing. Haven't read it yet, tomorrow I hope...

   to you Hope

I'm sorry Phoebes  

There have been times when I'm sure I'd have been happy to join but atm I feel no hope and as if healing is going backwards, especially with all the physical stuff plaguing me, worrying me. If I get out of this funk in time, I'll contact you Kizzie.

I've inquired anyway. Apparently you only have to be able to speak English, you don't have to be in the UK with NHS experience, which is what I assumed on reading the title.

[anxiety]

My throat is weird atm. Not hoarse, but feels difficult to breathe, though it isn't actually that way. Didn't even go to church this evening never mind sing with the choir. Anyway I googled "weird throat" and found my symptoms can come from anxiety.

There are possible other causes, including over-use (singing lessons?) and over-eating late in evening, though that would normally give rise to heart-burn, which I definitely don't have atm. It took me a few years on this forum to figure out I was even having anxiety (!) due for instance to people being in my apt / my space, like tradesman or even my computer guy. I know the latter, but didn't help much, I was totally exhausted and that's all I knew - more exhaustion - till I figured out from others' posts on here that the exhaustion was due to anxiety.

www.bbc.com/news/articles/c6pp70xd1n7o    

1) Singing lesson was difficult today for me physically/emotionally BUT the Good Thing was how my singing teacher worked with me. It was in such a way that I did end up being able to do warm-up exercises that involved singing though after we'd tried that fairly early on, I said it was far too difficult and I'd just like to do head/face/neck relaxation exercises and maybe Gorilla exercise and call it a day. No, I did manage to sing AND my teacher brought in some of my favourite exercises near the end    She'd remembered, tho at least one we hadn't done for at least 4 weeks!

2) Yesterday I bought myself something like a quiche and warmed it up to eat today piping hot. It tasted good and has left me feeling pleasantly satiated.

3) I made it to church service this evening and enjoyed the singing.

4) Did a little weeding today and gazed at my flowers and other flowers in garden.

5) Whenever I cycle or walk down the drive a nice scent from one of the roses wafts my direction