First of all, I kindly ask that anyone who posts in my recovery journal only do so with kindness, gentleness, and compassion. Please refrain from giving advice, or minimizing, or explaining away, debating, disagreeing, or negativity and criticism in any form. Thank you. What I need most is words of encouragement, support, and understanding. I will do the same for you.
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#2
General Discussion / Discouraging Experiences in 12 step groups
February 04, 2023, 05:31:01 PM
I'm almost afraid to post this, because I know there are avid supporters of 12 step groups. Please take this as just one person's experience - mine. I'm not trying to bash or attack 12 step groups.
I got quite a lot of help from Adult Children of Alcoholics groups in the late 80's and early 90's. I'm still deeply grateful to them for all their support, and all that I learned from them.
I tried going back several years ago, and has a less than good experience. I have experienced a lot of pressure to get a sponsor, and seen this happen to other people, too. At the beginning of the meeting, the chairperson asked all persons willing to sponsor to raise their hand. One woman raised hers. I recognized her as being a long time member that I had seen in the groups many years ago. So, after the meeting I approached her and asked her to sponsor me. She hesitated, then said "yes". I said that I needed a sponsor who was kind and gentle. Her reply was that she herself needed a tough sponsor. (I wish I had seen that as a red flag). I also mentioned something about my FOO, and her reply was "ah, you have not forgiven your family". Another red flag, rather judgmental on her part.
Anyway, I met with her and gave her a basic and brief summary of my childhood, and the abuse and neglect. The entire time, she was cool and dismissive, and invalidated me and gaslit me. No empathy or compassion. She made excuses for my mother's severe neglect of me. I was so turned off by all this, that I never called her again, and I never went back to that meeting.
It's not the first time I've come across sponsors who were cold and dismissive. Another one told me, when I was going through a very difficult time of caring for a sick infant for many months, said in a cold tone of voice "you just have to accept this". She offered no warmth or support.
I also have a hard time with the idea of making amends with my abusers. I did that, per the 12 steps, and it just became a repeat of the fawning type of behavior I have done with my abusive narcissist mother. I don't feel I owe my abusers any type of amends, at all.
I no longer feel safe going to these groups for support. I'm very glad for this online support group. I wonder if others here have had similar experiences?
I got quite a lot of help from Adult Children of Alcoholics groups in the late 80's and early 90's. I'm still deeply grateful to them for all their support, and all that I learned from them.
I tried going back several years ago, and has a less than good experience. I have experienced a lot of pressure to get a sponsor, and seen this happen to other people, too. At the beginning of the meeting, the chairperson asked all persons willing to sponsor to raise their hand. One woman raised hers. I recognized her as being a long time member that I had seen in the groups many years ago. So, after the meeting I approached her and asked her to sponsor me. She hesitated, then said "yes". I said that I needed a sponsor who was kind and gentle. Her reply was that she herself needed a tough sponsor. (I wish I had seen that as a red flag). I also mentioned something about my FOO, and her reply was "ah, you have not forgiven your family". Another red flag, rather judgmental on her part.
Anyway, I met with her and gave her a basic and brief summary of my childhood, and the abuse and neglect. The entire time, she was cool and dismissive, and invalidated me and gaslit me. No empathy or compassion. She made excuses for my mother's severe neglect of me. I was so turned off by all this, that I never called her again, and I never went back to that meeting.
It's not the first time I've come across sponsors who were cold and dismissive. Another one told me, when I was going through a very difficult time of caring for a sick infant for many months, said in a cold tone of voice "you just have to accept this". She offered no warmth or support.
I also have a hard time with the idea of making amends with my abusers. I did that, per the 12 steps, and it just became a repeat of the fawning type of behavior I have done with my abusive narcissist mother. I don't feel I owe my abusers any type of amends, at all.
I no longer feel safe going to these groups for support. I'm very glad for this online support group. I wonder if others here have had similar experiences?
#3
My dilemma is that I cannot share with friends my deep truest authentic self, because that would mean sharing my CPTSD and the abuse/neglect, and what that abuse/neglect has done to me. This is a big part of me. When I've started to share this with friends in the past, they either 1) abandon me, or 2) minimize and invalidate me. So, now I don't share this part of me with other people. However, I have to hide a big part of myself. Thankfully, my husband gets it, and knows all about this part of me, and still loves and accepts me.
What has your experience been of sharing your CPTSD with others?
What has your experience been of sharing your CPTSD with others?
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / When Will I Come Out on the Other Side?
February 01, 2023, 10:32:42 PM
Hello, I've been in recovery from childhood abuse and neglect since the 80's, only back then I had never heard of CPTSD or narcissism. I did therapy and Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 step groups. I've done many years of therapy, but only in the past several years have I see more awareness of trauma, and narcissism. I had been on antidepressants for many years, and just completed a slow taper recently. Because of this, many emotions that were blocked by the drugs are coming up. I've been in a grieving process for the past 3 years, when I was on a lower dose of the drug. I'm currently working with Pete Walker's books CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and The Tao of Fully Feeling. These books really resonate with me, and I think they are really helping on a deep level. I've recently, (a few years ago) become aware that my mother was a sadistic narcissist and psychopath. I've decided to go no contact with her, and my siblings, because of their ongoing abuse of me. I will not throw myself under the bus anymore for the sake of fake peace with them.
I gave my intro post this title because I'm now 61, and still trying to recover from this. I've been in recovery for at least 35 years. However, I took a hiatus from intense recovery work while I was raising my children between 1994 and 2019.
I'm looking forward to sharing more in here, and also giving support and understanding to others.
I gave my intro post this title because I'm now 61, and still trying to recover from this. I've been in recovery for at least 35 years. However, I took a hiatus from intense recovery work while I was raising my children between 1994 and 2019.
I'm looking forward to sharing more in here, and also giving support and understanding to others.
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