Intro (*trigger alert*)

[manalive]

Hi.  I just joined the forum.  Thought I would introduce myself.  I'm 49 and recently discovered I have c-ptsd.  The reason I recently discovered this was I took a benzo most of my life and that kept all of this at bay.  I was on them for 25+ years.   About 5 years ago, I started having some tolerance withdrawal symptoms.  Probably had them even before this, but they got pretty bad.  This caused me to divorce my wife and then I discovered the issue was the benzo.   I started tapering off of them and then about 3 years ago I took my last pill.   It has been * on earth.   After 3 years off now, I'm learning that much of the reason for such a hard time getting off of these meds was due to c-ptsd under the covers.  Of course the benzo withdrawal and the physical effects of benzo does not help.   

I was abused as a child for 3 straight years during my middle school years.  I didn't tell anyone.  I had a lot of fear of people finding out.  I stuffed my feelings because I thought they were evident, that people could see it in me.  This caused me to be anxious from being anxious, if you know what I mean.  Most of what I feel now after getting off the benzos feels like exactly what I went through as a child.   I recall having some really bad feelings in my early 20's when I went on the meds to begin with.  All that came back.  So instead of going on more meds, I'm trying to face it now.  I'm old enough and more mature so I'm hoping I can deal with it.  I am having trouble though.   I had worked through getting off the benzos, for 3 straight years of terror, I worked from home.   But things are getting more difficult now and I'll probably have to go on medical leave.   

The disturbing thing about all this is my thoughts are mature but my feelings are of a kid, because I was on benzos for 25+ years and then got off them.   I feel split.   I'm also a little messed up sexually.   I was abused by a man, and as a little boy I worried that this made me gay (although I know I'm not).   As I grew up appreciating looking at women, I always felt "bad" like a pervert.  I think this is because any sexual excitement is triggering.  So I have a hard time looking at a woman without feeling some pain now.   This is really hard and I don't know what to do about it.   Also, because I feel like a kid inside, I like to look at younger women.  Of course, this makes me feel even more perverted.   I'm not a bad guy, I was married for 16 years, I have two kids, one is a very beautiful young woman herself.   Both of my kids are fairly well adjusted as I made sure they didn't have the same trauma that I went through.    I just can't stand this part of what I'm going through.   Hopefully someone understands.

Anyway, I know this is a lot for an intro, but what the *.  You might as well know what I'm going through right up front.  Aside from all the negative stuff, the good news is I'm successfully off benzos now and I'm doing well except for the things above.  Thanks everyone.

[Sandstone]

Hi manalive and welcome to OOTS.
Youre in the right place.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, manalive! We're glad you're here.

I'm sorry that you went thru so much pain as a child. But bravo to you for making sure your kids had a better experience!

You don't mention if you're currently seeing a therapist - if not, I would encourage you to think about looking into it. Also, books will help, websites and videos, etc., and this forum rocks!

We have a lot of resources in the Resources tab, and pete-walker.com is also an excellent source of info.

Take it all at your own pace, and thanks for joining the forum!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi manalive  and welcome 

Quite a history you've had. 
I do want to commend you for having come so far in recovery already. Wow. My hat's of to you.

This caused me to be anxious from being anxious, if you know what I mean. 

I hope, wish and trust this site and community will be of aid on your continuing part of recovery and healing.
You're most welcome,

Dutch Uncle

[sanmagic7]

hey, manalive,  welcome.  glad you're here, and hope you find what you need to continue on your road to recovery.  this is one of the best resources i've ever found for caring, kindness and support and understanding.  it's just great! 

[manalive]

Thank you everyone.   Very welcoming responses.  I am seeing a therapist and have for several years now.  It's great that sites like this exist to help people out.  I'm glad trauma/cptsd is getting the focus it deserves.