A New Approach

[Armadillo]

 

I'm so sad for all the pain. I just have a huge wish for relief for you but also know....that takes a long time. You're a loving mom.  That's very clear.

[Not Alone]

I did accept him as he was, and just got on with things.


Thank you for listening and responding. It genuinely makes me feel not alone.

I'm so grateful for you sharing that your H was Avoidant. It is very aloning and your understanding and support mean a great deal to me.
I'm in the process of accepting and going on. My T says, "Grieve and live your life."

My guess is that your ex-H did not reach out to your son. His lack of relationship with his dad is on his dad, not you. I hope that soon, your son comes to realize that, or at least stop blaming you.

[Jazzy]

My guess is that your ex-H did not reach out to your son. His lack of relationship with his dad is on his dad, not you. I hope that soon, your son comes to realize that, or at least stop blaming you.

[Libby183]

Thank you Notalone and Jazzy, for reading and replying. It means so much to me.

It's been a weird weekend. I just feel so, so tired. Normally, I'm busy, busy but I have no energy. So, very unusually for me, I have sat and relaxed and watched some dramas on television. Something I used to struggle to concentrate on. But I enjoyed them.

I think I am learning to sit with my pain, and feel it, but not react to it. Seems like a good thing, but so tiring!

[rainydiary]

Libby, what you say resonates with me.  It is tiring to sit with our pain and discomfort.  I hope something good comes of you sitting in this way.   

[Libby183]

Thank you, Rainy Diary.

I had posted in your journal, just before seeing your message here. Really good timing!  We do seem to be dealing with some similar issues. Hopefully we will find our peace.

[Jazzy]

I agree Libby; sitting with the pain is exhausting!

This is great progress though. I'm so happy for you! I'm glad you are able to enjoy your shows more, and are learning to to accept the pain.

I hope you are feeling less tired soon. I've found it gets easier as I heal.

<3 Jazzy

[Libby183]

Thank you so much for your encouragement, Jazzy. I am holding on to the hope that things will get easier as time goes on. I don't know that I believe it just yet, so it helps that you remind me.


....

Even though I have been on a healing journey for many years, and have made a lot of progress, I feel like this is going to be the most momentous and difficult period.

At least I have things to keep me occupied today. Dog walking, dental appointment to repair broken tooth, my cleaning job, which isn't really a job, as its for a friend, and then my son, and dog and I have tea with this friend.

I am otherwise very desperate to isolate, but this friend has become a sort of surrogate father to me, and I actually don't want to isolate from him, or my son, so that must be a good thing.

The other aspect that makes me think that I am making progress is that the depression I am feeling now, is different to the depression I've had for the rest of my life. I am not in nearly as much physical pain, and I am managing to carry on with my life. I am just experiencing so much emotion, which I have not really had before. Guessing that's what is so exhausting.

[Blueberry]

I think I am learning to sit with my pain, and feel it, but not react to it. Seems like a good thing, but so tiring!

It sounds like a good thing to me, but I can imagine it's really tiring.

I've read some of your posts recently. It sounds like things are hard for you atm. 

[Armadillo]

Even though I have been on a healing journey for many years, and have made a lot of progress, I feel like this is going to be the most momentous and difficult period.

I wish you did not have to carry so much emotional pain right now. It doesn't feel fair that you went through everything with your H and then at the end don't get to just have that peace and freedom you deserve. I'm hopeful part of this is the (extremely complicated) grieving process for someone who caused you suffering and who you were (and are) tied to. And also maybe part of the grieving process for your daughter, too. And that there's peace and lightness waiting soon. But gosh you deserve it now. 😪

[Libby183]

Thanks everyone for your support. I have had a difficult few days, and today has been my first chance to catch up with everyones journals. It never ceased to amaze me how we are all dealing with such similar issues, despite living very different lives, at different ages and stages, in different countries.

But we come together here and feel truly understood.

....

It's been a difficult few days but I seem to have come out of a deep depression, with some extra understanding and positivity.

I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I could barely move, but I am sleeping a little better and definitely feeling more lively. I didn't push through, just sat and accepted, and it is OK for now, I think.

A situation I knew was coming, and would be difficult, has indeed come to a head. My father in law is in the last few days of life. He is ninety and in poor health, so it was inevitable, and I thought it would raise issues, given its less than two years since his son, my late husband died.

I have really only kept in touch with my sister in law. Wife of husbands brother. As this brother said at the start of his address at my H funeral, they were "not a close family." SIL and I just texted about our lives, our pets, the pandemic, a couple of times a week. We live a good distance apart. I had shared about my D cutting me off.

Then out of the blue, she texted that she can't do this any more and needs to be there for her husband, re his dad, so I replied that I understood, and to take good care of them both. She read the message and appears to have blocked me.

I don't really understand what happened, although her husband phoned a couple of days later to update my son and I on poorly FIL. It's unusual for me to speak to him, but it was fine.

My thoughts are that it might be best for me to let go of my last bit of contact with my in laws. FIL refused to attend our marriage as it wasn't in a church with a big party afterwards. I never developed any relationship with him, but was always polite, and actually initiated most of the contact with in laws, so that my children knew their family. FIL and my H were very similar, I think.

My feelings are that my in laws are my estranged childrens family. They are the only family they have. They weren't close to them, but I think they are in touch more since they became estranged from me. So I think I should step aside, partly for them, and, I admit, for self protective reasons. I won't risk hearing about my children, through in laws.

And, of course, I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed of this feeling. But then, it was SIL who, for whatever reason, cut contact.

My life seems to involve going round and round in my thoughts. Basically, not trusting myself.

As it is, I am just sort of putting it all aside for now. I don't think I need to do anything, except support my son who I live with, as he is losing his grandad.

[rainydiary]

Libby, I appreciate you sharing all of this.  What a difficult and confusing time.  I am thinking of you as you navigate this time with your in-laws. 

[Armadillo]

Libby this all sounds so hard. So hurtful. So confusing. And yet what I hear you saying....you sound clear and wise. I don't know why your SIL would say that but I'm going to guess: it isn't your fault or you. Whatever caused her to say that is her stuff. Others can act irrationally or even cruelly and it isn't always our fault and we need not take full blame.

Your priority right now is where it should be...supporting your son,  healing yourself. Your in laws have not been there for you and it breaks my heart that they did not support you through your marriage and your caretaking. You don't have to stay in relationship with them if it isn't healthy for you.

I trust things will come around with your daughter because of who you show yourself to be here, but can't imagine how painful that is, what a hard thing to sit in acceptance with. 

[Libby183]

Thank you so much, Armadillo. I think I am doing quite well really. I've been out with my son, took my dog for a walk in the rain, and had a nice, positive chat with a neighbour.

I am at peace with the idea of not having contact with my in laws. I think I am generally learning acceptance and this might help my feelings about the situation with my D.

I think it is going to be alright and just hope and pray that my D comes through her sadness. She has had a very full and positive life so far, so if she can deal with her grief, then maybe she will come back into my life.

Thank you again for your support.

[Libby183]

Despite really awful weather, and getting soaked from head to toe by a large lorry and a large puddle, I seem to be doing quite well.

I had a nice, and quite busy weekend, which even included some social activities. So much so, that I felt up to starting my next decorating project in my new house. Quite a big one, but I made some definite progress and felt good about my achievement.

I was approached by my neighbour who let me down, and she suggested that we meet up later in the week. As I was feeling stronger, I actually agreed. Will see how it goes.

Sadly, we heard today that my FIL passed away. I think that my son, who I live with, is concerned about issues around the funeral, with regard to his sister and brother. He is autistic and very anxious, so his reaction is as would be expected. I am concerned too, although I wouldn't imagine that I would go to the funeral. I think that FIL passing will be a difficult time for my children, coming so soon after losing their dad.