Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

I wrote quite a lot over at OOTF and then started getting going on writing the FOO email only to realise I'd be hurting myself again, leaving myself too open to attack from a FOO member who is already doing that in his covert way. So better to write another Letter to Not Send here. At least now I know why life is so stop-and-start atm. It's all this stuff below the surface I'm dealing with.

[Blueberry]

I didn't go to the farm. I realised that the things coming up atm are way more important than doing anything for anybody else. I understand better now what my T meant about it being good for me not to be 'doing things'. I tend to think I'm not doing much and e.g. I might as well do my moderating on here than sit about but even moderating on here  - useful as it may well be - helps me distance myself from what's going on internally and not allow it to come up.

I did wash my hair though  and feel better. I also diluted some of my homemade, all-organic nitrogen fertiliser and spread it around. I wasn't able to do that yesterday, I haven't been able to do that for about a week. Just because there are times when I can't do most things.

Quite soon I have an appointment with somebody who may pass some work on to me, for pay that is. So I'll go and get ready for that.

[Blueberry]

Practising self-care. There's a post I really think I ought to respond to as Mod but actually I'm taking a little break from Modding rn anyway and I simply cannot handle this post tonight, so I'm not going to. It's hard to allow myself that. I'm totally exhausted anyway.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you decided to take a break for yourself.  sounds like you need it.  you've got so many pots on the stove, you deserve to look after yourself, too.  doin' good, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thanks, san. I do have quite a few pots on the stove atm.

I did come online and onto OOTS this evening thinking "I will at least write that email" because the longer I don't do it, the more I self-sabotage with all sorts of unhealthy behaviour. Also I have a T appt this coming week, my second in this quarter. Good to make good use of it by being able to take own internal fallout at least along to my T.

[Sceal]

I also want to say I think it's good you listened to yourself and took care of your own needs before modding.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal!     It's something I really need to practise. I intend to as well.
___________________________

I've just been writing a rough draft of what I'd like to write to this FOO member. I've already put square brackets around certain passages to mark "good you wrote that    but don't send, you're making yourself vulnerable in such a dysfunctional FOO" (as T's used to say to me).

It just occurred to me now how my F once said to M in my hearing though I wasn't in the room that I set myself up for emotional attacks from people. In that case it was about emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. from F's drunken friend who was being belligerent.  Another of F's drunken acquaintances used to get emotional and weepy. Not hurtful. In fact one time he ended up all apologetic to me about something he didn't even need to apologise for!
Anyway savour this from enF: I "set myself up" for belligerent behaviour from enF's drunken friend. M agreed with him, I heard that too. No inkling of responsibility on their part for setting me up to act this way. aka 'grooming'. Maybe it's not even grooming. It's just in my FOO a) you don't leave the situation in the middle of an argument, you have to argue it through until there's a winner and a loser (in FOO I was always loser, sort of by definition) and b) some other things I've dissociated off rn. This stuff is really hard for me. It's beneficial that I'm realising it, that I'm once again seeing how dysfunctional FOO is, and that I'm remembering more of how badly I was treated by enF. enF set himself up in our FOO as Innocence Personified, and B2, who I'm trying to negotiate with is GC, so also Innocence Personified. I'm not sure if he's a narc or just very flea-ridden but I do think he's manipulating to some degree. He's overtly 'passing the buck', pretending his wife misunderstood something. No love lost between his wife and me any more and no communcation any more either, so it's OK to throw her under a bus on the surface. She may even know he's doing that or is complicit in it "Go ahead, blame me, your Sis doesn't like me anyway." 

Nobody in FOO ever taught me to leave a situation. Not only that, they taught me that if you remove yourself from a situation then you're at a disadvantage next time. You're not starting out on a level playing field because you 'lost' last time, by leaving. OMG. My FOO is so deranged. 

[Libby183]

Hi Blueberry.

Just wanted to say that I often "dip into"  your journal and I absolutely relate to everything you write about your FOO.

But today,  I just had to respond because your discussion of how your parents believe that YOU set yourself up for emotional abuse hit me so hard. This is exactly the message my parents always conveyed about me.  They actually seemed very proud of this realisation on their part, and very smug that a: they had come to understand this,  b: they were not like this and c: it was absolutely nothing to do with them. They enjoyed discussing this between them, whilst being sure that I would hear and pick up all of the vibes and insinuations they were giving off.

This, I believe,  is exactly the sort of thing that,  unless you have experienced it first hand, you just can't understand it. It is so subtle and yet so clever.  This was exactly the sort of thing I tried to deal with in emdr, which the therapist couldn't accept or deal with within the framework.  In fact,  she actually gave the same message to me as my parents did, namely "you have brought this all on yourself".

I hate that you went through such similar things with your FOO as I did with mine, but thank you for talking about it. It has really helped me realise that it isn't just me!!

Libby.

[sanmagic7]

i think 'grooming' is a very good word for how you've been taught to react in relationships.  they groomed you to be the kind of person they could blame so as to take any blame off themselves.  clever, cunning, and sinister.  dang, this stuff goes so deep.

i do feel sad that you, blueberry, and you, libby, and everyone else who relates to this had to go thru it.  the idea of winning and losing - that someone HAS to win or lose - is pure power play, to my mind.  i've often used a ploy of 'allowing' another person to 'win' if it seems very important to them by taking a step down from the discussion/argument.  by doing this, i've always felt i've retained my power cuz i did it by choice, not cuz i was 'outdone'.

games people play in order to feel better about themselves at the cost of others.  it's very sad.  says a lot for how little self-esteem people have.  love and hugs all around.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Libby for letting me know that you often read in my journal and that you can relate to so much! It really helps me to know that because it's one more proof I'm not writing hogwash. I mean I do know I'm not doing so, but you reinforce this knowledge for me.

Thanks san too. Power play with your own kid (my parents obviously, not you), it's terrible. I knew actually from early teenage years on that the amount of criticism from M and B1 was in order to make themselves feel better, but I hadn't attributed that yet to the argument behaviour. M, F and B1 just love(d) to play Devil's Advocate, all the time. It was crazy-making. Even when I stepped down from an argument by choice in FOO, they gloated over that. Like the smugness Libby mentioned. So it always felt as if I lost.

However, therapy today brought some changes I hadn't been envisaging.

I was honest about something I haven't hitherto thought of saying: even the most minute contact with FOO, like a 2 line email, - the sheer effort of writing it and getting it 'perfect' so FOO will understand  - exhausts me, destabilises me for up to 3-4 weeks, and also when I receive one that I ought to answer, same kind of effect.

My T now suggests that I put the whole of FOO and all their expectations etc etc onto my Screen (like when I do Screen Processing) before I do any contact. Putting them on the Screen means that I take charge of how they appear. On the screen I have a picture frame which I can make as small as I like. Always much much smaller than the screen, about postage stamp size. FOO is in the picture frame, and they can't get out of it either. For further protection, I have bullet-proof glass set up between me and the screen. Even with that all in place, I still always have some physical reactions, e.g my breathing changes or I feel as if I'd like to throw up. My T says the latter is especially good because that means the impulse is to purge my psyche of stuff that doesn't belong in it.

On the way home, I got to thinking that possibly I should put the whole of FOO and all their expectations, opinions, words etc permanently on the Screen. Or I could maybe put them in medium-security prison where they can't harm anybody, least of all me? I wouldn't want to put them in my Bank Vault (that's for difficult memories that I want to store but retain access to).

[sanmagic7]

putting them and all their baggage either on the screen or in a prison sounds like you taking back your power.  i love the idea. 

i can totally relate to wanting messages, whether written or spoken, to be perfect so as to maybe get the other person to understand, then worrying about it endlessly.  unfortunately, as much as i might have labored over those messages, deleting, editing, adding, whatever, it never really helped.  i never made headway, ever, that i can remember. 

i agree with your t about wanting to purge the toxins.  well done, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well with all this.  love and hugs to you.

[Blueberry]

I went back to choir practice tonight for the first time in maybe 6 weeks. I kept missing because I was either ill or I was really exhausted. When I don't go for a while, it's hard for me to start up again because I'm self-conscious about my singing or rather the fact that it's actually very difficult for me. I do like to sing, it does me a lot of good. I've had a sore throat and mouth since yesterday sometime. It's gone now just from singing this evening. Of course there wasn't a real physical reason, otherwise my throat would be worse. Singing praises to God removes the pain that thinking and talking about FOO before and during therapy put there. I'll be singing it all again tomorrow morning 

Sometimes I like to join in something because it feels as if I have a right to exist that way. I'm contributing, I'm helping. Although I did a little helping this afternoon, tomorrow I'm joining in big festivities in my area of town because I like to - all the singing - and because I feel as if I belong. That's very important for me. To make up for times when FOO didn't allow me to feel as if I belonged to them as a family or as if I belonged in either of the countries I grew up in  But now I belong in this country and society I chose to live in. 

Today it felt quite daring to tell somebody who'd offered me 2 lots of contract work that I'd do just the one. He accepted that, he even figured out part of the reason why. Still it feels daring, I was semi-expecting him to say I could forget the whole thing then. I was prepared to accept that. That's all progress. 

The SIL I don't have an issue with but am not really in contact with because I wouldn't contact her behind my brother's back, she sent me an email today and that felt good. What she wrote, it sounded genuine to me. I sent one about something particular to her and my B yesterday. He responded, so I hadn't been expecting her to as well. It's possible that without the stuff I discussed with my T yesterday that I would've felt a bit different about the contact. I'm not sure. It feels as if there's a bit of a change coming in me.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3Roses!

Today I did thought-stopping when I realised I was  and getting really worked up in my head about FOO mbrs and especially the one particularly unpleasant SIL. I understand now that reviewing old incidents and getting worked up leaves me feeling helpless and in victim mode. That's triggering and not beneficial.  on realising.

I didn't eat everything I was offered today, which is good. Sometimes with my disordered eating, I eat more or less everything in sight.

I noticed today how annoying it can be when you have somebody standing next to you asking what they should be doing and/or apologising for existing. It's useful to notice because that's one of my go-to reactions just on different topics. I notice my own agitation at writing this, but decided to go ahead and write it any way.

My head is still full of singing from this morning. 

A couple of people were talking today about a place where I considered applying to work, and then haven't so far done. For sound reasons. But I'm considering it again. I note that things do change. What seemed impossible 2 months ago may not be now. The other little job I did have I stuck out 4 weeks only, but the route to get there was long and arduous. So having decided against continuing that and having needed to recuperate from the exhaustion for 10 days doesn't mean there aren't any employment opportunities at all. This is a good realisation. I'm saying 'Onwards!' to myself.

[Blueberry]

Today I didn't do much thought-stopping. I didn't get out of bed for a long time either. Even though (or maybe because?) I wrote a must / could list of things to do just for today including fun activities and activities using a few of the 5 Senses.

One thing I realised I want to do is write a Recovery Letter to SIL2, one that I will never send to her. There is no point whatsoever but I'd get some of my hurt and anger out. But I've been avoiding doing that all day. I'm sure it would be beneficial. Maybe I should try? Writing directly to the person, even not to send, is not like ruminating.

Added a bit later: I see over at Recovery Letters, I've already written some of those letters to SIL2, B2, B1 and they don't seem yet to have made much impression emotionally. They're still on a cognitive level. Either I need to do something else (what I'm not sure - well, could be healing retreats again with an emphasis on family dynamics) or I just need time.