1st post- Hi.
I'm a 44yr old male. I was "designed" Gay, Lived in a strict Southern Baptist home and hated myself since i was 12. It basically changed me at 12 from a nice boy to a hateful and angry boy. Much school bullying and abuse (never came out).. Forced myself to marry and had 3 children. The most difficult thing to do was have sex, I was terrified of it and had to be drunk to even do it. Even though we only had sex about every 2 months(poor wife).. this lasted for 12 years, see eventually had affairs and i was ecstatic! So finally that was over, huge relief. Raised my 2 boys, she raise the daughter.
I was fine until my boys were grown and left about 3 years ago. I am depressed, hate life, have no respect for life (mine). I have "come out" but cannot do it as every sex in my brain was taught as horrible. I think ssri's have destroyed my brain, i've never been happy. I'm very smart but negative. I really truely hate people, esp America. All people car about is money and themselves. The Country is about to collapse.
I see theropists weekly but they dont know what to do as i'm the 1st theyve ever had with a gay , non acting, gay guy- and never has, and super homphobic of myself. And also i just lost my business of 16 years so now no income, no friends, my familly hates me because im immature.
Ive tryed to be me for 33 years! and 33 years of ongoing trauma! I cannot be alone and unhappy any longer. I've never been in love and never truely happy... All because of religion, and yes thats still burned in my brain as well... Once your subconscious is burned it cannot be changed is what im seeing? - Any ideas? on the cheap
I'm a 44yr old male. I was "designed" Gay, Lived in a strict Southern Baptist home and hated myself since i was 12. It basically changed me at 12 from a nice boy to a hateful and angry boy. Much school bullying and abuse (never came out).. Forced myself to marry and had 3 children. The most difficult thing to do was have sex, I was terrified of it and had to be drunk to even do it. Even though we only had sex about every 2 months(poor wife).. this lasted for 12 years, see eventually had affairs and i was ecstatic! So finally that was over, huge relief. Raised my 2 boys, she raise the daughter.
I was fine until my boys were grown and left about 3 years ago. I am depressed, hate life, have no respect for life (mine). I have "come out" but cannot do it as every sex in my brain was taught as horrible. I think ssri's have destroyed my brain, i've never been happy. I'm very smart but negative. I really truely hate people, esp America. All people car about is money and themselves. The Country is about to collapse.
I see theropists weekly but they dont know what to do as i'm the 1st theyve ever had with a gay , non acting, gay guy- and never has, and super homphobic of myself. And also i just lost my business of 16 years so now no income, no friends, my familly hates me because im immature.
Ive tryed to be me for 33 years! and 33 years of ongoing trauma! I cannot be alone and unhappy any longer. I've never been in love and never truely happy... All because of religion, and yes thats still burned in my brain as well... Once your subconscious is burned it cannot be changed is what im seeing? - Any ideas? on the cheap