Need some help

[AphoticAtramentous]

In my opinion, saying how you've been hurt by him will only fuel his ego or whatever. I mean if he's a classic stereotypical abuser he probably enjoys your crushed self esteem. Lol Makes him feel powerful.

I think, if you REALLY want to hurt him, stand up for yourself in a way that doesn't speak negatively of yourself. Say how strong you are, how independent and how you don't need him. Boast about yourself, describe everything you can do without him. I think it's a fairly common thing that if you want to appear appealing, smart, and capable, confidence and a love for yourself does absolute wonders.

This might be absolutely #$&@!# advice lol, feel free to ignore. It's probably one of those "easier said than done" things.

[JamesG]

the best defence is to walk away and stop contact... do not feed him chocs or grenades, he can digest them equally. Just go

[Blueberry]

the best defence is to walk away and stop contact... do not feed him chocs or grenades, he can digest them equally. Just go

I second this. Otherwise unfortunately we just get hurt over and over again. Whether by partners or family of origin.

[JamesG]

what would the world be like if there were no narcs eh? sheesh

[achilles]

thank you all for your replies.  i appreciate the support.  i feel like i failed you by going back.  i know it's disheartening to see that.

im so drained now.  he's simply an abuser, and theres nothing that will change that.  he will never see it.  i know this.  i also know he doesnt care about me.  he could take it or leave it where i'm concerned, i mean nothing.

yet somehow, i still have this urge, this compulsion, to prove to him that im worthy.  there were years of my life where i was free of this (i still had nightmares and other ptsd symptoms from his prior abuse, but overall i was doing very well).  i felt confident, strong.  now im stuck in this horrible addiction cycle.  how will i have the strength to walk away forever.  i know i have to, and i know i will. 

jamesg - it would be a beautiful world indeed, if there were no narcs in it. 

[Kizzie]

Narcs exploit a weakness in human nature, namely being human. They subvert decency and humanity and turn it on itself. Learn all you can and know, that deep down, they are very scared and very weak people relying utterly on other people's decency to save them from the terror of existing. Once you start to see it their strength is halved, they will feel it instantly too, because the confidence trick they have been counting on for so long is suddenly useless. Knowledge is power. Prepare your battlefield, learn about that tactics they use, learn about the instinctive results they are counting on in others and then switch the monsters off. It's easier than you think. Don't expect a dramatic closure, look to switch the supply one notch at a time. Then go, and don't go back.

  Couldn't agree more with James     I've been through detaching from NPD FOO, and it is painful and hard and soul wrenching so if you are tired it is no wonder.  Be kinder than kind to yourself as you go through this.  You are taking steps to move out of it, and that is worth giving yourself a huge self-hug and yelling "Yay me!"     

Rooting for you big time!! 

[achilles]

Thank you Kizzie. 

I look forward to finally feeling free.

[JamesG]

don't be hard on yourself Achilles, and certainly don't feel you are letting anyone down, we all know how deep this kind of trap can be and I'm sure we have all tried, 'one last time' to get validation and normality from a source that has no intention of providing it. The more you ask, the more worthless you will feel. Try to see that the relationship dynamics with a narc exploit a design flaw in human nature, a wee software glitch that would never matter if there were no narcs, namely that our desire to be wanted and loved makes us very vulnerable to the cruel and the heartless. It is no reflection on any of us in here that we were caught in that trap; there are millions upon millions of people who will live happy lives if they are never tested as we have been. The dice rolled bad for us is all and there is no going back, there is only learning these sad realities and then building a new life older and wiser where love is able to do what love does, free of exploitation.

This man sounds very cruel and unhinged, but clearly knows how to exploit honest feelings in others. My guess he's not just a narc but is essentially a psychopath because he is not devoid of empathy, he clearly has it and chooses to exploit it. That achilles is a psychopath. They can be very charming, hypnotic even. My brother is one, I wouldnt trust him with a blunt potato.

You cannot and will not get validation or closure, closure is impossible with these people. The rukes change by the second, goalposts move like sportscars and they will always be one step ahead of you if you fight clean and ask for fairness.

Metaphor alert:

You go swimming and you are attacked by a great white shark. It takes a leg off. You make it to shore and you go to hospital and recover, they find your arm and sew it back on (the shark wasn't even hungry and you didn't taste that good). Once you are fit and well, you decide that the best thing is to go back to the sea and make friends with the shark, train it to do seaworld tricks and be your friend because, after all, it wasn't personal, and the shark was just doing its shark thing, right? Wrong. The shark will at best, take another arm off, at worst, decide to mangle you into BBQ bits and it will do it without a care in the world because it simply doesn't care about you anymore than a wave, or a rockfall of a falling meteorite would.

These people DO NOT CARE. Forget closure, justice and resolution. This man is a shark, get out of the water.

[Blueberry]

i feel like i failed you by going back.

You didn't fail us by going back! I certainly don't feel that way about your actions anyway.

I know from experience it can be pretty hard, but.... try and be kind and forgiving to yourself about going back. Most of us have been harangued enough in the past by abusers and enablers; it doesn't help to do it to ourselves too.

Healing to such an extent that we won't go back (to whoever, or whatever addiction) can take a long, long time.

[achilles]

Yesterday he told me that it's all in my head, that I interpret his words wrong and find a reason to be hurt from nothing.  If I would just listen to him, then everything would be good, he says...I'm the crazy one.  Well, I am crazy for coming back for more abuse, that's for sure.  He sounds so convincing, so self-assured, so confident, that I'm doubting myself.  Maybe it really is all my fault.  He is more sure of ...well, everything, than I ever was of anything.  It's impossible to try to get him to see my point of view.  Why do I keep trying?  It's completely futile.  I'm full of defeat and resignation.  He doesn't care.  He is not capable of caring. 

On the other hand, there is still a little spark of strength in me that knows he is a monster.  I wouldn't be surprised if he is a psychopath or something of that ilk.  He seems to delight in destroying people's minds bit by bit, and then calling them insane once he's finished with them.  And then he walks away without a shred of remorse.

It's bone-chilling really.  I wouldn't believe people like this existed if I didn't know him myself.  He is the most cruel person I ever met.  I am so exhausted. 

[achilles]

I'm having such a hard time not crying.  But I can't right now, there are people around and it would be embarrassing. 

  He's going to hurt me again and again...oh god, make it stop .

[JamesG]

he sounds identical to my brother, callous. I think the pleasure caused by pain is real, they think your good nature is weakness and they feel entitled to play with it.

[JamesG]

Achilles... don't respond... starve him of oxygen. You do not need to respond, let it go. If you are going to be a happy woman living a good life it has to start now.. so start and switch this nutcase off

[achilles]

when will the pain end?  i fear that im going to keep taking it until he does something so heinous that it completely destroys me.  im having a hard time dealing with day to day life as it is.  i just broke down and cried in the bathroom for ten minutes.

the (very few) times i told him that he was abusive, he responded by going into a rage.  even when i pointed out that name-calling and swearing at me is the very definition of verbal abuse, he said that it was my fault for making him mad.  everything is always my fault.  he will never take responsibility.  i know this. 

every time i pathetically tell him i feel hurt, it goes the exact same way.  he says "im not having this conversation," "it's all in your head," "your perceptions are wrong," or "i'm not dealing with this".  he acts so calm and composed while i cry, and i always end up looking (and feeling) like the crazy one.

i truly don't understand why i keep coming back for more.  when he is nice and affectionate (rare), i feel like all is right with the world, so happy...but most of the time i feel so low.  i hate that my self-worth depends on what he does.  i hate feeling so beneath him.  he treats me like im inferior, and i've internalized it.  waiting for him to show me true compassion is like trying to get water out of a rock.

i hate myself for this.  biggest mistake of my life.

[JamesG]

ok... so what's good about him... really? What justifies your attraction to him?

In the film the marathon Man, the ex nazi dentist tortures Dustin Hoffman by hurting his teeth then offering him tincture to relieve it. That is what this guy is doing. He's an obvious monster but you have got stop looking to him for validation (tincture), because the reason you need it is because he just drilled into your self respect and has given you the impression he is the only person who can stop the pain. It's lilke nicotine, I smoked to avoid withdrawal symptoms and kept doing it until I was coughing up my pelvis. Many of us here have had to hit that kind of wall to leave people who were killing us one emotion at a time. Are you gonna leave it til you are ragged or prove to yourself that you are worth more than this?