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Thank you for this discussion.  I was wondering why meditation and breathing techniques only made me panic even worse.  Ironically my abuser tried to "help" me with being more "mindful," but in the end it just made me feel bullied and like a failure.  You can't slow your breathing and clear your mind if you don't feel safe.  It's actually quite terrifying.  But the fear I have isn't of some nebulous unknown thing, it's of something that did already happen and is happening again right now.  I'm living my own worst nightmare.

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When does it start to feel better? 

Since I have the day off, today I watched a bunch of videos and read articles on abuse recovery.  I cried literally all day long.  I'm so exhausted, didn't eat anything today, haven't showered in 4 days.  I keep ruminating and obsessing. 

It hurts so much.  I need the pain to go away.  Earlier this week I bumped my head on a cabinet, and the shock of the pain stunned me out of the emotional pain for a minute and I was so relieved, so happy, to not feel the emptiness and desolation for a brief moment.  I can't stop crying, even in public.  I can hardly function and part of me wants to go to the hospital just so they can sedate me for a while so I don't have to feel.  I don't know how I'm going to survive this.  When will the pain end?  I'm not one for self-medicating with alcohol, but it's looking like a good option right now.  I need some relief, I can't go on like this. 

At least I don't want to talk to him, so that's a plus.  But the pain...the anguish, despair, when will it end?

I found that ibuprofen gives me some measure of relief from fatigue/stress as well.  I take it rarely, but it does help.  I don't know if it's a placebo effect or a real benefit, but either way, it works. 

Thank you for your replies.  Kim, thank you for the article on intermittent reinforcement. 

For me, the cycle would go like this: an explosion of abuse, then a silent treatment, then I'd beg him to talk to me, and then we would "make up" - always sexual.  And I knew he would abuse me again, but I kept hoping that *this time* it would be different.  It never was.  I kept looking to him to heal the wounds he himself chose to inflict.  He knew I wanted his affection and kindness, so he withheld them more and more until there was nothing left.  There was no rhyme or reason to his outbursts of rage.  Sometimes he'd be in a generous mood and treat me nice(r), but most of the time he was cruel, and I never knew what I'd get.  The intermittent reinforcement had me hooked.

I'm doing my best to keep enforcing no contact now.  I recognize this all for what it is.  But it's still difficult, and I'm ashamed of that, of the attachment. 

I feel this way all the time.  Sometimes I get motivation to clean, but most of the time I feel defeated and just don't care.  I know I'd probably feel better if I was more productive, but I just...can't.  I feel like I'm suffocating under a huge weight.

 

I've been choosing to stay silent, no explanation, just radio silence.  Here's what I wish I could say, but I won't.  I don't want to engage, I don't want to invite more wrath, more argument.  Just the act of writing this was helpful.  --

You poisoned every aspect of my life.  You are a manipulative abuser.  All you want is to control me, make me obey you and never question you.  You are pernicious and disgusting.  I poured out my love to you.  I gave you all I had to give.  And you never cared.  It never mattered to you. 

You have no idea how much pain you caused.  I did not choose to have this pain.  It’s YOU.  YOU did this.  You leave nothing but a path of destruction in your wake, a legacy of pain for anyone who ever loved you.  You are incapable of having a healthy relationship, and you’re doomed to repeat this pattern if you don’t get therapy for it.

I gave everything I had, and you acted like I gave you nothing.  Instead of kindness, you showed me cruelty.  Every cruel act, every time you refused to be compassionate, was a betrayal that eroded my self-esteem.  You poisoned my own mind against me.  You are as much an abuser now as you ever were. 

I can’t sleep.  I have horrible nightmares, I wake up constantly, I wake up in tears, shaking with inadequacy, with fear, with anxiety, the knowledge that you never cared.  That I never mattered to you.  All I wanted was your kindness, your love.  You made me beg for it, and still you refused to show me any compassion.  And then you blamed me for it.  For asking for too much.  You gave me crumbs, and I was happy to get even that because a scrap of your love was better than nothing.  Are you proud of yourself for this?

Kindness is always the answer.  Cruelty never works.  It didn’t work nine years ago, and it won’t work now.  You destroyed me.  You abused me, manipulated me, toyed with my emotions.  You used me.  Chewed me up and spit me out.  I feel worse now than I ever did in my life.  How could I ever have believed you would change.  You are a cruel monster.  So cruel.  You told me that I chose to be hurt, and it wasn’t your responsibility.  But then you said I made you feel like an abuser.  So which is it?  You don’t have any responsibility for my emotions, but I have responsibility for yours? 

In any case, if you didn’t want to feel like an abuser, then you shouldn’t act like one.  Simple as that.  The truth is, you are an abuser.  And I suspect you always will be.  But I won’t be your victim.  You will have to find someone else to destroy with your toxic poison.

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I identify with much of what you said.  Your last paragraph gave me some hope.

Thank you everybody  .

It's been two days.  I'm not feeling good right now - reeling under the weight of the abuse, flashbacks - but I recognize that running back won't help me.  He won't help me.  He has nothing but abuse to offer. 

So I'm just letting myself feel what I feel.  I keep having these disturbing, sickening memories of my mom.  My ex is seriously just like my mom, and now I can't stand to talk to either of them.  I feel nauseous and like I want to throw up at the thought of it.  Both of them made me feel worthless and unlovable. 

People who see your love and kindness as weakness, and use it to hurt you, are disgusting.  I feel so betrayed.  I can't imagine ever feeling "good" again. 

I'm ready to do it.  I'm going to go no-contact.  I hit the tipping point where the pain of staying is greater than the fear of missing him.

I'm sorry I didn't post here for a while, I was collecting myself and thinking about what I want my future to be like.  And sadly, I felt like I had no future, like my life is over.  I have no joy. 

I want to live again.  I can't take anymore cruelty.  I'm not on this earth to suffer, that is not the purpose of my life.  I will not have my friends and family remember me as someone who gave up her life to be someone's punching bag.

Thank you for listening, I greatly appreciate the support. 

Thank you for your replies. 

I don't have a therapist right now, but I'm trying to find some low-cost options.  Transportation is also an issue for me. 

I'm reading one of Shahida Arabi's books right now on narcissism.  I also watched most of the spartan life coach's videos.  I don't know why I keep banging my head against the wall trying to make things work.  I couldn't be more informed on the topic of abuse.  I know he's a horrible, remorseless monster, yet it's like I have this masochistic compulsion to try to get him to be nice to me.  I really need to work on figuring that out, getting stronger, and leaving.

I know.  I'm so anxious, I feel like I'm going to throw up.  Talking to him is exhausting and almost gives me a panic attack every time.  This is so not worth it.  If I talk about a subject he doesn't like, his tone gets dismissive and irritated, so I apologize and I get choked up because I feel his wrath building.  So I'm like "i'm sorry for being so annoying, i know i'm stupid."  And he says "you have to snap out of it, I don't like feeling like an abuser, you're making me feel like an abuser."  Um...he is.  He is an abuser.  This is insanity here.  Why am I giving him my precious time.

so today's latest, i could hear in his tone he was getting annoyed with me, so i started to grovel.  and he told me to stop groveling because he "doesn't like to feel like an abuser".  then maybe he should stop acting like one. 

im so tired.  i know im worth more than this.