Before I start doing the work, I want to address myself.
Alarrah,
You are doing so great. Seriously. It doesn't always feel that way, but you are. Look around you. You have a house, a great job, and a full pantry. All that fighting that you had to do, just to survive... It was one * of a ride, but you got here.
Now, just breathe. You're safe. You're surrounded by people who love you. You have built a life to be proud of, and you did it with no help. You kicked *. Don't forget what you are capable of because there isn't anyone else who will celebrate that for you. It's yours to own and yours to be proud of.
Alright. You've gotten through *, but now that you're on the other side, the challenge is less defined than just "staying alive." Your next task is to accept what happened and learn to love yourself. I know, I know, it sounds horrible. You really need to try though. You deserve to be loved, even if you don't want to hear that. The one thing you know for sure is that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Now you just have to figure out how. I believe in you. You've done the impossible before and you can do it again.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
i believe in you, too. that was a beautiful, inspirational speech to yourself. we're all behind you on this. big hug.
Thank you both. <3
My chest feels like it is caving in. I just want to curl up and cry. I want to be left alone. I want to be held. I want someone to see the pain I'm in. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I feel horrible, like a cancer to everyone that loves me. I want to be told I'm not, and I want to never hear another voice.
I don't know what is happening in my head. Nothing feels familiar or comfortable right now. I want to drown out my own thoughts, but my speakers won't go any louder.
I have tried to share with my partners what is going on with me, but they can't understand. I wrote this long thing about how I've been feeling, and my husband didn't even read it. I feel like I am screaming for help, but I've pushed them away so hard that they don't care anymore. I literally told them I was begging for help and affection, and they just said "ok."
I can't put this on them. I know I can't. My emotions are mine. I just... I'm so alone, and I know that was what I wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted. I can't be mad that they are dealing with their own stuff. It's not like I've been able to be there for them. Why can't anyone see that I'm hurting?
Because I don't want anyone to see I'm hurting. I've gotten really good at hiding.
God, what the * is wrong with me? I was fine a few hours ago. Now I feel like everything is falling apart. Why can't I just be stable? Why can't I be the same person two days in a row? What is wrong with me? I just want to be normal. I want friends. I want love. Why am I like this?
Last night, I chewed the skin on my fingers until each one bled. The messed up thing is that on Monday, I will be just fine. I will go into work like usual, and I won't even remember this weekend. Someone will ask me what I did this weekend and I will lie about how great it was. I might even believe it. I can't own these feelings because they won't be mine anymore. They will have floated away. I can't hold on to any identity for longer than a moment. I never know who I am. I just grab on to what I can feel. Most of the time I can't feel anything.
Boy, I really relate to this!!
QuoteWhy can't anyone see that I'm hurting?
Because I don't want anyone to see I'm hurting. I've gotten really good at hiding.
I have hidden myself away for so long, and now I want to come out and be authentic and am finding it difficult.
QuoteWhy can't I be the same person two days in a row? What is wrong with me?
I ask myself this question all the time. This morning I was so disoriented I was actually dizzy! I had to tell myself repeatedly who and where I am now.
I'm sorry you're going thru this, you are not alone. :hug:
the contradictions of this c-ptsd beast are crazy-making, there is no doubt. we push and pull at the same time, running as fast as we can in order to stay in the same place. our minds do the best they can but we can't understand a word they're speaking.
wife2 always says 'breathe' first because our breath is our life. i have to work at remembering this when i find myself in the neverland of sanity. it does help me to know i'm not crazy, i'm not expected to know all the answers, i don't have to figure it out and respond perfectly to any of this. all i have to do is breathe, and on one of those breaths i ask for the strength to make it thru the day. so far that's worked - i'm still here.
my heart goes out to you for having to go thru this, for not having the understanding and comfort you crave. it's ok to put on that smile tomorrow if that's what you need to do. eventually, as you continue in recovery, this will become both easier and more short-lived. sending you a soothing, comforting hug to help get you to tomorrow.
Alarrah, that Voice you channelled in your first post has the goods. I highly recommend doing that more often. Believe It when It says It loves you. All is well.
Quote from: Alarrah on August 27, 2017, 03:30:54 PM
I want someone to see the pain I'm in.
We're all in it together, here.
QuoteI wrote this long thing about how I've been feeling, and my husband didn't even read it.
Can't get my H to read anything I've written, either. Anyone who replies to you here has read it, and felt it.
A year ago I could have written your post myself. You're in the right place, and you're no longer alone. :hug: I'm glad you're here.
Thank you guys so much. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me to have people who understand. I've been hypervigilant and on the verge of an anxiety attack for three days, and these words of encouragement are really helping.
[******Trigger Warning: sex, abuse, violence*******]
I'm trying to get my head around something....
I wasn't sexually active or even sexually interested (haha) until I was 18. That year, I met a kid who was horrible to me. He invaded my privacy, cheated on me, lied to me, and disappeared for weeks at a time. Every time he came around though, he drove me insane. He called himself a sadist, and we talked a lot about BDSM. I realized that I was a masochist. I liked the pain. It felt normal to me.
When I went to college, I didn't really look for a partner. When I started exploring my sexuality, I turned to BDSM chatrooms. They were the most comfortable for me because Dominants have no problem telling you exactly how to act. It was a relief, since I never really know what to say or do. Since then, I have been involved in one bad relationship after another.
I should clarify that the relationships were not bad because they involved D/s. Rather, they were bad because instead of finding people in the community who play responsibly, I tend to be drawn to predators. Last year, I started really looking in earnest for someone to help me discover that side of myself, and I found someone that gave me exactly what I wanted. The problem was that it was abuse.
He took my safe word, gaslighted me, tried to separate me from my friends and partners (I'm poly), and beat me so badly while I was on blood thinners that it was a miracle I didn't die. Someone in the community stepped in and separated us, but instead of being mad at him, I miss him constantly.
My feelings are all tangled up. Obviously he was bad for me, but why do I want him so much? He wasn't attractive, smart, or even nice. He was a jerk who made me feel like crap, ignored my feelings, and literally beat me without a safe word.
Since then, I've given up looking for a BDSM relationship, but I keep getting the impulse to self-harm. I feel like I deserve to hurt. I need someone to beat me, abuse me. I need to feel as bad on the outside as I do on the inside. I know that isn't normal or healthy, but I'm obsessed with it. I want someone to tell me I'm worthless, disgusting, ugly... Why do I do this? Why do I seek out pain instead of pleasure?
I know this is probably because of the abuse and because I'm programmed to reject affection and internalize abuse, but how do you get past it? How do you not hurt yourself? I can't even think about the path to loving myself right now. I know I don't deserve this, but why on earth would I want it anyway? Knowing how wrong it is doesn't seem to make it easier to avoid.
Anyway, those questions are rhetorical. I hope it isn't inappropriate to talk about this stuff. If it is, I'll delete the post. I just spend a lot of time pretending that I don't want to be hurt, and maybe I have to be honest about it before I can get past it.
:hug:
This is a place to talk about (type about? ;) ) our interpersonal challenges and the damage we've incurred, as well as how to cope with the aftereffects. Your post doesn't bother me, and you've marked it clearly with a TW so I think it's fine.
Since your questions are only rhetorical at this time, I won't try to make suggestions. Instead, here's a gentle, healthy hug if you want it and a welcoming, understanding smile. :hug:
i'm just so very sorry that you've had such horrible relationships. i hope that you will begin finding answers for your questions when you're ready. i do believe that the more we look toward recovery, the more about our symptoms will be revealed. then, armed with knowledge, we'll be able to make the changes we want to have a happier, healthier life.
as with 3 roses, here's a gentle, caring hug for you. i'm glad you're here.
Thank you both. My head has been spinning this week, and I've been flailing. This has been an anchor, and I really appreciate your words.
****Trigger Warning****
recounting abusive language
I spend a lot of time not thinking about what happened to me. Just the idea of actually looking directly at it has me on edge. I think I am more afraid that it will all be nothing, you know? What if I look back at it more closely, and I find that the bore obvious answer is right: Everyone in my family is right, and I was never abused. I mean, no one is going to corroborate my story. Every single family member has told me that I am being dramatic. What if they are right? What if I did this to myself? What if I am a spoiled little B**** like they said?
It isn't logical. I know that just that sentence should be enough to convince myself that it is real. I know that they did this on purpose. I know that I'm supposed to doubt myself so that they never feel guilty.
*lets out a really long breath*
I'm trying so hard to break out of this cycle. I don't want to be the girl who hates herself anymore. I don't want to slowly kill myself via fast food and repressed memories. In fact, I want to live. I have the world laid out at my feet. I'm young, smart, and I know how to get money when I need it. I don't know why I'm stuck in this trench.I am not even sure I know how to want things anymore. All I can do is hold back memories, and that is so much work.
Still... the second I start trying to do the work, I feel like I vibrate apart. I start lashing out at friends; I isolate and seek out destructive relationships. I can't make my brain do what I want it to do, and it sucks.
Quote from: Alarrah on August 31, 2017, 01:21:29 AM
What if I look back at it more closely, and I find that the bore obvious answer is right: Everyone in my family is right, and I was never abused. I mean, no one is going to corroborate my story. Every single family member has told me that I am being dramatic. What if they are right? What if I did this to myself? What if I am a spoiled little B**** like they said?
This is the commonest and one of the most damaging shoot-yourself-in-the-foot notions among those of us with CPTSD. I think it's universal -- trying to make Them
right -- and I know how very painful it is. To say nothing of futile.
After several decades too long of trying to do whatever the * They wanted, I reasoned: Okay. Let's just say for now that I'm everything my FOO told me I was, and told the extended family I am. What can I do about it while I'm alone, unemployed and homeless? I've suffered enough! If
I don't believe in my own goodness, I've had it.
It was a long road with some deep potholes in it, but I persisted and I like myself a whole lot better these days.
You know what happened to you. I know what was said and done to me.
Something I highly value that I got from OOTS: If you saw that being done to a child the age you were then, would you think it was loving or neutral -- or would you flat-out
know it was highly abusive?
Hey Alarrah, I've just gone through and read all this.
I have to say, those first few posts in this thread really spoke to me. The first one - truly inspirational, gave me the warm fuzzies. :) The second one - it was as if I was reading my own thoughts, listening to my own voice. I relate so much. Thank you for posting and sharing that, you've helped me feel like I'm not alone, that there are people who feel exactly the same way I do. ^-^
Quote from: Alarrah on August 31, 2017, 01:21:29 AMEveryone in my family is right, and I was never abused. I mean, no one is going to corroborate my story. Every single family member has told me that I am being dramatic. What if they are right? What if I did this to myself? What if I am a spoiled little B**** like they said?
And this too, speaking my darkest thoughts like you're some kind of mind-reader, lol.
I'm sorry for what you've gone through, with all your relationships and what not. That must be terribly hard. Sorry I don't have much advice to give but I will say I'm here to listen. :)
(Also, is this thread title a reference to Portal? :P I hope it is.)
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on August 31, 2017, 09:03:23 AM
(Also, is this thread title a reference to Portal? :P I hope it is.)
YES!! :) I am so happy that you got that. I'm sorry that this is relevant to you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I can't tell you guys how much it means to me that you get it. Every reply makes me so happy. Candid, what you said about having suffered enough in trying to make them right... that really helps. Most of them aren't even in my life anymore, so why am I trying to prove them right? Finding your own truth is really hard, but it is worth so much more than anyone else's. Thank you.
Quote from: Alarrah on August 31, 2017, 05:48:42 PM
Finding your own truth is really hard, but it is worth so much more than anyone else's.
What a gem! I'm half inclined to make it my signature here.
I finally wrote out my story, but it is 4K words. Is that too long to post?
It would be too long for anyone to read in one go, Alarrah. Better to break it up into chapters and allow 24 hours in between for feedback, methinks.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 03, 2017, 05:07:16 PM
I finally wrote out my story, but it is 4K words. Is that too long to post?
As Candid said, probably a little too long to post all in one go. I probably wouldn't be able to concentrate on a 4k word long story lol but I am looking forward to reading it. ^-^ No pressure though.
I'm having such a bad week. I've been having panic attacks constantly, and I just can't find anything remotely interesting to distract myself. It's like the more I look at what happened to me, the closer the pain is to the surface. All I want to do is run away from it. I want to keep pretending I'm fine. I want to put my masks back on and just live.
I wrote out my story the other day... everything I could remember. The truth is that it isn't that bad. I mean, not bad enough for me to be this messed up. I know, I know. It's a typical belief, but seriously... why can't I just accept that I got away from it and move on? Why am I stuck here 9 years later?
I am not monogamous, and I live with my husband and girlfriend. My husband has been with me for 8 years, and he is so supportive. My girlfriend though, she has only known me for a couple of years. It takes me much longer than that to open up to anyone, but she doesn't seem to want to be patient with me. When I back off because I'm having flashbacks or am stuck in a high anxiety state, she gets upset and says I'm not showing her I love her. It's true, but I don't feel like I can do any better than this. Every part of my brain is screaming that I should just tell her I'm not capable of love and she should leave me. I can't seem to stop that impulse, and talking it out isn't helping. I feel trapped in my own house. Being me upsets her. I feel like a failure. Unlovable.
The crappy thing is that it's not a lack of compassion on her side. It's a lack of communication on mine. I just can't. When I am this anxious, talking about me is like pulling my fingernails off. I have explained, but she doesn't really get it. Of course she doesn't. Who would?
I also have this huge two year project to wrap up at work, and some days, I kill it. Lately, I've just been unable to cope. I have missed three days of work in the last week. My career and our company depend on me getting this right, but I just can't right now. I know I'm not really going to get fired, but I'm terrified I will be anyway. I am the sole provider for both my husband and girlfriend, and what if I can't do it?
I want nothing more than to take a short leave of absence at work and just get my head straight, but I can't afford that. Not while I'm the only one who pays attention to money.
Most of all, I just want someone to be interested in me right now. Because my girlfriend gets so upset when I pull away, my husband ends up giving her all of his attention so I can have space. Then I end up feeling alone in my own home, and completely uncomfortable. I feel like I'm creating a storm cloud that we all have to live under. I just want the space to not be ok. I want to be loved even when I can't give love in return. I want them to be interested in me and what I'm going through, and not just as a means to complain at me for not being loving enough. I already know I'm cold. I know I'm not capable of normal relationships or love. That's what I'm trying to fix.
I am doing everything all wrong. I have so much pressure on me, and I'm paralyzed. I feel like I haven't taken a real breath in weeks. I keep trying to drown it out with video games or even alcohol one night, but that just makes it worse. I have stuff I need to be doing. What is wrong with me?
When I get like this, I end up making it worse. Part of me feels like i need to be abused for being this way, so I end up talking to people on line who have no trouble telling me how disgusting I am. It makes me feel better in the moment, but it builds up. I start believing it after a while.
God, I feel like I shouldn't admit to any of this. This is all stuff I would keep hidden. I hate the idea of someone knowing how messed up I am. I guess I have to be honest about myself at some point though.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 05, 2017, 02:02:07 PM
I'm having such a bad week. I've been having panic attacks constantly, and I just can't find anything remotely interesting to distract myself. It's like the more I look at what happened to me, the closer the pain is to the surface. All I want to do is run away from it. I want to keep pretending I'm fine. I want to put my masks back on and just live.
I wrote out my story the other day... everything I could remember. The truth is that it isn't that bad. I mean, not bad enough for me to be this messed up. I know, I know. It's a typical belief, but seriously... why can't I just accept that I got away from it and move on? Why am I stuck here 9 years later?
Sorry to hear about your bad week, Allarah. It feels the same here. :\ It can be extremely frustrating, trying to find a distraction but not feeling motivated to even watch a video or anything like that.
Don't worry about your story being 'not as bad' though, please. We all react differently to trauma. Some people can push through it headstrong and come out the other side completely fine. Others, you, and even I, we can't handle these things as much as others can and that's okay! That's just how we are. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. We are just human.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 05, 2017, 02:02:07 PM
I am not monogamous, and I live with my husband and girlfriend. My husband has been with me for 8 years, and he is so supportive. My girlfriend though, she has only known me for a couple of years. It takes me much longer than that to open up to anyone, but she doesn't seem to want to be patient with me. When I back off because I'm having flashbacks or am stuck in a high anxiety state, she gets upset and says I'm not showing her I love her. It's true, but I don't feel like I can do any better than this. Every part of my brain is screaming that I should just tell her I'm not capable of love and she should leave me. I can't seem to stop that impulse, and talking it out isn't helping. I feel trapped in my own house. Being me upsets her. I feel like a failure. Unlovable.
The crappy thing is that it's not a lack of compassion on her side. It's a lack of communication on mine. I just can't. When I am this anxious, talking about me is like pulling my fingernails off. I have explained, but she doesn't really get it. Of course she doesn't. Who would?
Glad to hear your husband is supportive. Perhaps you can try something I do often, where I would write down my thoughts and feelings and pass that on. It's a lot less stressful than talking out loud and it gives me time to think. Maybe when you feel you need space, telling her "I need some time to myself to think things through" and writing something to her to explain why you have backed off - even a simple; "[X] has triggered me, I need space. It's not your fault." so that it doesn't feel she is unloved. If she has compassion as you says she does, she should be able to give you some time and comfort I think. ^^
Quote from: Alarrah on September 05, 2017, 02:02:07 PM
I also have this huge two year project to wrap up at work, and some days, I kill it. Lately, I've just been unable to cope. I have missed three days of work in the last week. My career and our company depend on me getting this right, but I just can't right now. I know I'm not really going to get fired, but I'm terrified I will be anyway. I am the sole provider for both my husband and girlfriend, and what if I can't do it?
I want nothing more than to take a short leave of absence at work and just get my head straight, but I can't afford that. Not while I'm the only one who pays attention to money.
Wow, that sounds quite stressful. I think you'll be able to get it done though! Just need to keep at it whenever you feel those slithers of motivation come to you.
Is there a reason why your husband/girlfriend does not work? Personally I think it would be much more stable/comfortable for all of you if at least one of them had their own source of income. I don't think they should have to depend on you so much, that doesn't seem healthy to me. But that is just my own view. I don't know your circumstances so feel free to just completely wave off what I'm saying here. :) I'm simply slightly concerned. I think a break would really be beneficial for you and you certainly deserve one!
Quote from: Alarrah on September 05, 2017, 02:02:07 PM
Most of all, I just want someone to be interested in me right now. Because my girlfriend gets so upset when I pull away, my husband ends up giving her all of his attention so I can have space. Then I end up feeling alone in my own home, and completely uncomfortable. I feel like I'm creating a storm cloud that we all have to live under. I just want the space to not be ok. I want to be loved even when I can't give love in return. I want them to be interested in me and what I'm going through, and not just as a means to complain at me for not being loving enough. I already know I'm cold. I know I'm not capable of normal relationships or love. That's what I'm trying to fix.
Like I mentioned before, I think writing notes and what not would help clear away that 'storm cloud'. Reassure them that you just need some time, honestly say how you feel about them if you trust them with that info. It's good that you're trying to work at these things, and telling them that would be helpful too I think. :) Will hopefully ease them a little so they're not thinking that nothing is being done, that nothing is changing.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 05, 2017, 02:02:07 PM
I am doing everything all wrong. I have so much pressure on me, and I'm paralyzed. I feel like I haven't taken a real breath in weeks. I keep trying to drown it out with video games or even alcohol one night, but that just makes it worse. I have stuff I need to be doing. What is wrong with me?
When I get like this, I end up making it worse. Part of me feels like i need to be abused for being this way, so I end up talking to people on line who have no trouble telling me how disgusting I am. It makes me feel better in the moment, but it builds up. I start believing it after a while.
God, I feel like I shouldn't admit to any of this. This is all stuff I would keep hidden. I hate the idea of someone knowing how messed up I am. I guess I have to be honest about myself at some point though.
You don't need to be abused, Alarrah. You are a wonderful person, you're not disgusting. I don't think you should put yourself down like that, it won't help your motivation, certainly doesn't help with mine when I do those things! Try not to believe the inner critic that tells you that you are doing everything wrong because you are most certainly not. You are doing plenty of good things, it's hard to see but they're there! :) Like having a job, bringing in income, wanting to better your relationships, these are all good things and I'm sure there's even more! You are an extremely caring person I can see that, you worry you're not giving enough to those who love you, afraid of disappointing them. But things will work out! Just remember every now and then to stop for a second, take a few minutes to just... breathe and rethink things. With so much pressure, it can be very overwhelming, so give yourself that time to breathe, and deeply. Tell yourself things are okay, they'll be okay, just take things one step at a time until the work load is not so heavy. Then you can focus on things with your partners. ^-^
Anyway, if you don't agree with anything I've written here please feel free to just push it away and disregard it. lol Apologies if I'm too forward, assuming, or direct in certain parts of this post, I'm a little snippy and matter-of-fact today but I'm trying to keep myself in check. ;) Trying.
I wish you all the best and I hope you will get some respite soon!
it's been a bad week for me, too, so i can relate. so very sorry you're going thru this.
i echo the idea of not comparing what happened to you with what happened to anyone else. if it traumatized you, it was bad enough.
thank you for your courage to be vulnerable here, allarah. i've found that getting it out has helped me have a more stable perspective. i hope it's done some good for you as well.
i also liked aa's idea of writing notes to help you say what you want to say. it's a real possibility that your words on paper might be more easily understood. sometimes just hearing something can get twisted in someone's mind. seeing it in black and white helps so that doesn't happen.
it sounds like you're overwhelmed. please, be easy on yourself. you deserve that. take care of you as best you can. big hug, sweetie.
Found out last night that a friend of mine passed from cancer. I don't understand why all three of the friends I've lost have been the nicest guys I've known. It's just so unfair.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 08, 2017, 06:00:37 PM
Found out last night that a friend of mine passed from cancer. I don't understand why all three of the friends I've lost have been the nicest guys I've known. It's just so unfair.
I'm really sorry to hear that Alarrah. :( If you ever need to talk or vent, know we're here and we'll listen.
:hug: :hug: I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending comfort your way. :hug:
my heart is with you, allarah. it certainly isn't fair. it sucks. :hug:
Thank you all for the kind words.
Despite not really having the money, I started therapy again. For the most part, I feel like I've made really big progress over the past few months. I've realized that wanting to please everyone has twisted my brain in knots until I no longer allow myself any expression of emotion. I've realized that most of the emotions I feel are not about right here and now, and I've even started to tease out a few triggers, and where they come from.
It's not easy. I am so tired of the self love talk. I mean, seriously. I know this is not healthy, but does anyone else just really get angry when people spout the whole "Love yourself and accept yourself!" stuff? I know, I know. It's healing and blah. I am learning to allow myself to be human and not put my sights on unrealistic expectations.
Still... there is this little scrappy part of me who just wants to fight anytime someone starts with that. I cannot stand hearing nice words said about me. I just don't want it. I don't want to hear how great I am. It all feels hallow.
Convincing yourself that you deserve love is really hard. :'(
lol sorry four pouting.
Quote from: Alarrah on September 13, 2017, 07:47:43 PM
Despite not really having the money, I started therapy again. For the most part, I feel like I've made really big progress over the past few months. I've realized that wanting to please everyone has twisted my brain in knots until I no longer allow myself any expression of emotion. I've realized that most of the emotions I feel are not about right here and now, and I've even started to tease out a few triggers, and where they come from.
Sounds like good progress to me! :cheer:
Quote from: Alarrah on September 13, 2017, 07:47:43 PM
.. I am so tired of the self love talk. I mean, seriously. I know this is not healthy, but does anyone else just really get angry when people spout the whole "Love yourself and accept yourself!" stuff?
Oh, yeah, if that's not where I am, I sometimes feel really annoyed. Or when people go on about gratitude e.g. "I'm so grateful for the emotional pain I endured, it's allowed me to grow and change." Yeah well, I'm not actually grateful to my parents for emotional abuse and neglect.
I think that for me it is actually healthy to recognise what I feel. And if I feel annoyed at the expression of self-love or the thought that I'm "supposed" to do it, then I express that. I've heard that you can stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. If it works for you or anyone, that's great, I'm happy for you / anyone but for me I need something different for the message to go through all the defensive emotional layers. In fact for me it's much more beneficial to show myself love e.g. by doing self-care (can be as simple as gently brushing my hair for minutes on end).
Hope this helps a bit.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 13, 2017, 09:05:42 PM
I think that for me it is actually healthy to recognise what I feel. And if I feel annoyed at the expression of self-love or the thought that I'm "supposed" to do it, then I express that. I've heard that you can stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. If it works for you or anyone, that's great, I'm happy for you / anyone but for me I need something different for the message to go through all the defensive emotional layers. In fact for me it's much more beneficial to show myself love e.g. by doing self-care (can be as simple as gently brushing my hair for minutes on end).
That is so helpful! Self-care, I can do. Talking to myself in a mirror? Not so much. I don't mind dedicating the time to myself, but talking out loud to myself doesn't feel like anything but silly.
Quotetalking out loud to myself doesn't feel like anything but silly.
I'll have to agree with you there ;) but I've been known to think these thoughts to myself, or imagine someone saying them to me.
I am so frustrated. Why is it impossible for me to be the same person two days in a row?
Some days, when I am at my best, it's like I can look in the mirror and see all the parts of me. Every aspect of my identity fits together into one person, and I can say "ah, that is who I am." The other 90% of the time, it feels like that mirror is shattered, and I can only see so many parts at once. Nothing holds the together, and I can't quite make a whole image.
Even just with stupid stuff, like video games and TV shows... there are times when I am in the middle of watching a show, and I will just... not be that person anymore. I don't like the show, and I don't really remember what on earth could have made me want to watch it.
It's not just stupid stuff. It's everything. Like relationships... One minute I will be totally digging a person, then I just can't imagine liking them at all. Or my work. Every few weeks, I wonder why the * I am doing the job I'm doing... even though I absolutely love my work.
I don't feel like I become I separate person. I'm always just me. It's not like they are other identities... just like I can't quite fit all of my personality into me most of the time. It's so frustrating. I'm scared to make plans because I might not be the right me. I'm scared to date or make friends. I can't keep in touch with the ones I have. It's infuriating. I just want to be the same me for two days in a row.
Does anyone else feel like this? Or maybe know what it is?
Oh, dear, heaven above, yes, 100% yes. It's the most frustrating freaking thing. Views switching back and forth all the time, views of people, of things.
I think it's just a part of the way our mind fragments itself over the course of our childhood. Everything is broken inside and we have to slowly pick the pieces up and put them back together. Though easier said than done. ;)
I've tried to express all this to people before and nobody could ever relate. Made me feel rather lonely and at times I just thought I was being crazy.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one AA. I was seriously thinking that I was going crazy.
****Trigger warning*****
I need to process some things that happened last year... If you aren't comfortable reading about BDSM, I would skip this post.
I never really learned how to have vanilla relationships. I was introduced to BDSM very young, and I loved the control aspects. I loved having someone tell me what to do, and the clear rules were such a relief. It was so much easier for me to relate to someone else through a framework that was clearly defined.
Last year, I found myself in the hospital with two pulmonary emboli. I could have died, and with how long they went untreated, it is a miracle I didn't. I was severely depressed, and my husband was dealing with his own depression and fear over almost losing me. At this low moment, I found a Dominant that seemed like everything I had ever dreamed of. He was steady as a rock, and it was like he could read my mind. We had so much fun playing together. I was completely enamored. We were together for 4 months, and in that time, he helped me learn to live again. He had me eating right, drinking enough water, exercising, and most importantly, thinking I was sexy.
He liked to play with fear. Slowly, he started convincing me that I was more of a slave than a submissive. He took my safe word away, and I overlooked all these red flags because I was getting healthy again. He beat me while I was on blood thinners, and the bruises were so bad that I really worried it would cause another clot or make me bleed out. He stopped asking for consent, and I thought it was ok. I just wanted to please him.
I don't know if there is a short version of this story's end. He invited a woman to play with us, and she decided she wanted me. She convinced me he was abusive (which he was), and convinced me to not contact him again. I will have to face what she did to me later, but the one two punch of him and her was enough to knock me on my butt for a year. I'm just now standing again. It was easier to be mad at her than to process my feelings for him, and honestly, I still care about the guy. I feel like I didn't have a real chance to let him go.
Anyway... all this to say that he contacted me today. Every cell in my body is screaming that I should respond. I should give him the chance to explain. I should apologize for letting that woman tear me from him. I know he wasn't healthy for me, but I was also at my healthiest when I was with him, if that makes any sense. I know he's bad for me, but I also know how happy I was with him. It's so much harder when you love the one that hurts you.
I understand how you feel, Alarrah. Even with the whole BDSM thing, the desire for control.
I don't really have much advice to give, it seems like a complicated matter, and in the end you know what you want and what is best for yourself. I suppose if it will provide some kind of closure, you could reply to him. But I don't think running back to your abuser would be a good idea, even when the feelings are there - It's how they hurt you so bad, because of that love.
Well, I am not doing so hot. I thought I had it under control for a while, but I don't.
My relationships have fallen apart. I am down to one person in my life. Everyone else has rightfully decided that I am too unstable to be around. My finances are messed up. I am not able to pay my bills and my mortgage is two months behind. I just found out today that I am on thin ice and will be fired if I give them the slightest reason. I am not even taking care of me. I am having trouble just getting out of bed, drinking water, and taking care of myself.
I don't know what to do. I have meds that help, but I have not been taking them. I tried setting reminders, but I think I have just given up. I don't know how to make myself want to care anymore. I just want this to end. I want to stop hurting. Therapy is not helping, and I can't afford it. I am still going, but I don't know how much longer I will have the money for it.
I can't stop the negative trains of thought in my head. I can't stop from jumping to the worst, most destructive conclusions. I am beating myself up constantly.
Earlier, I couldn't even get off the floor to get to work. I know I will lose my house if I don't, but I still laid there staring blankly until I was late getting back. I tell my body to move, and it just doesn't.
Alarrah :hug: I wish I could do or say something to help you. Do you think maybe you're stuck in an EF? Keep us posted, you are cared for here, we understand.
Allarah, I don't know what I can do to help you either. But the least we can do is listen and wish you well. I don't know you well and your life is falling apart — but I still believe you're worth it. Because you tried your best, and well, you're a human being. We have our own value.
Take care. :hug:
Quote from: Alarrah on January 22, 2018, 08:06:08 PM
Earlier, I couldn't even get off the floor to get to work. I know I will lose my house if I don't, but I still laid there staring blankly until I was late getting back. I tell my body to move, and it just doesn't.
I know this kind of state well. It doesn't matter what the 'threat' or consequence is, I don't get going, I can't get going. My worst case of this was when I kept going back to bed instead of taking my pet to the vet's, because I couldn't leave the house. I'm very bad at self-care but I'd never been so bad at caring for my pets before. I think in my case that it's an EF. Often I need to ride it out. Although there are times when objectively-speaking that's pretty bad (e.g. the vet appointment). I've missed work before too, but I don't work that much anymore, so it's less of a problem.
Sometimes I try to think of the easiest thing for me to do in that moment to slowly bring myself back out of the state. That can be stopping my negative thoughts. To do this, I picture a stick going through the spokes of a wheel. I generally work quite a lot with imagery. I can picture myself in my Inner Safe Place. Or try and picture what part of my body would be easiest to move. Might be my toes, so then I move a few of them, and gradually the movements may get bigger, or if not, they may show me what I need, e.g. I need to feel safe.
I'm well-versed in not taking my medicine too. I know it's not good, but... My doctors know of this and they don't harangue or criticise. I try to turn it around and praise myself when I
do take my medicine.
Please keep us posted. We care about you on here. :hug:
sweetie, i hope you can lean on us, absorb some of the care we're sending to you until it is enough for you to be able to begin moving again. :grouphug: you have been so strong thru so much, and i know the feeling of 'but how much more am i expected to be strong about?'. just today, just make it thru today. we're surrounding you with love, gentleness, and positive vibes, healing light embracing and warming you, letting you know you are so valuable, and deserve only the best.
i have faith in you even when it's difficult to find it for yourself. warm, loving hug filled with comfort and concern.
Thank you guys. I have been re-reading your responses for the past few days, and they really helped me pull through.
My therapist helped me reframe some stuff. When everything falls apart, sometimes it is better to start something new than to put it back together. That's kinda where I am. I have been trying to get moved from KY to OR for 6 months, so maybe this is the universe telling me that it is time.
In a fantastic coincidence, the same day that I found out I was about to be fired at work, I got an interview for another position in the city I want to move to. I know better than to hang my hopes on one potential job, but it still woke me up a little bit and reminded me that I am still hirable.
In general, I was letting the bad things that were happening define me. I wasn't a good person going through a hard time, I was a horrible person who attracted bad situations. I have to remember that I am not defined by any of the things going wrong in my life.
Now, let's hope that I can get back to this place of clarity. It's hard, but it feels much better than lying hopeless on the floor.