Milkandhoney's revovery journal

[Not Alone]

M&H, I am so sorry that you are in such an awful situation. I would agree with others that if it is at all possible, find a way to have some alone time and space.

I feel angry at your father's lack of respect for you and your boundaries. Grrrr.

You are not alone. You have a community here who cares about you.

[Armee]

You are not terrible at all.

[sanmagic7]

so angry at your F for his disrespect and unwanted/uncomfortable touches.  no, he should not be doing that to you at all.  it's SA in my mind.  i hope you're out of there pronto and don't ever have to be in that situation again.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Milkandhoney,
I am so sorry that your F doesn't respect your boundaries, and has treated you in that way - it is unacceptable and not right.  I relate very much to things you write, I had a difficult relationship with my F - he also didn't respect my boundaries.  It isn't right.  I do feel angry as I think about this.

I hope you are ok, and that you are able to have some enjoyable moments at the end of this year and into the next one, and I would like to wish you the best for 2023, and send you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi M&H, I am catching up on your journal and journey.  I hope that you are close to heading back to your own place.  I resonate with the "before" and "after" of seeing my parents when I recognized their abusive behavior and the long term impact it has had on me.  I am also resistant to your T saying it would be better to be with people that feel unsafe than to be alone.  I care about you and am glad you are here finding your way. 

[milkandhoney11]

Thank you so much for all your kind words, my friends. I'd normally say a few words to each of you but I'm still processing lots of different things and I just don't have enough headspace at the moment...
So I just wanted to give a quick update as I have finally made it back home to the UK. I've never fully realised it before but it is such a massive relief to not be in constant contact with my parents anymore. Whilst I was staying with them over Christmas and New Year's I constantly felt unsafe, unwanted, and judged. I could hardly sleep and very rarely dared to leave my room. I avoided going anywhere near my dad if at all possible because his terrible touching never stopped but of course I couldn't escape his constant angry shouting reverberating through the house and I couldn't escape his constant criticism and verbal abuse.
Now that I'm back I feel so so much better. My worries are still there (I still haven't managed to find a new job, the investigations against me are still going, and of course there are so many other things to be concerned about) but I have finally been able to sleep again and tend a little more to my own needs rather than living in constant fear and reverting back to my defence mechanisms.
I've had a session with my T today and it was so helpful to hear her confirm that what I have had to endure with my parents is indeed emotional abuse and sexual harassment and that my dad does indeed seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum. I wonder how I didn't actually recognise this during the first 27 years of my life since it seems so overwhelmingly obvious right now but at least this new knowledge helped me get through the ongoing abuse and it helped me make the decision to not go back again if I can avoid it.
It's a painful decision to make because I don't really have anything against my mum (other than enabling my narcissistic dad and not doing enough to protect me I don't want to blame her) and I certainly don't want to abandon her whilst her health is so fragile, but I just can't bear being close to my dad anymore and I know I need to protect myself. He seems to be getting worse and worse with age and I don't have the strength to keep dealing with his constant anger and rage. Nor do I want to. I've realised that he is just a despicable person and I can't even name any positive traits that he might have, so why should I spend with a person like this who just keeps hurting me again and again but never takes responsibility for his actions and always blames me for everything.
So, yes, I kind of wished there was a way to keep seeing my mum from time to time without having to cross paths with him but that doesn't seem to be the case, which means that the only way to protect myself and give myself space to heal is to cut the ties with them.
It's painful and scary and naturally I feel like a terrible daughter to be doing this, yet I can't see how I am ever supposed to get better if they keep abusing me.

[sanmagic7]

M&H, those are difficult realizations to acknowledge and act upon, for sure, but i agree w/ you that self-care is of the utmost importance.  so glad you're home and out from under such attacks and abuse.  also glad your T was able to confirm the reality of what went on w/ your F.  sending support for your decision to stay away from him.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

MilkandHoney,

I'm so glad you're home and out of that nasty environment. I felt for you the whole time you were there. I remember feeling trapped by my own family, and I couldn't help but feel bad for you that you were in that situation all week long.

Going No-Contact isn't always as easy as it sounds. As you work through this, your friends here on the forum are ready to support any decision you need to make. And you can take as long as you need to.

I'm glad you're home. I trust you won't be attending any more holidays with them.

[dollyvee]

Hi MilkandHoney,

I'm glad you're able to come to that realization about your family and see what was happening. Like Papa Coco said, going no contact can bring up it's own set of challenges especially around guilt and the feelings that you have for your mom. Walking away did make me feel like a terrible person too, and I still struggle with setting boundaries on what is exactly "helping them" and what is "hurting me," but it is getting better. You've probably learned all this from a very young age and changing those patterns will take time.

It's your life now and you get to do what *you* want with it.

Sending you a hug if that's ok 
dolly

[milkandhoney11]

Sanmagic - thank you for your understanding and for reminding me it's okay to take care of myself. I really struggle with that at the moment (there are so many feelings coming up that seem to say that I don't deserve anything better) but I know you're right and I'm trying to have more self-compassion even and especially when these thoughts come up

PapaCoco- thank you for always being there, knowing that you care and that you understand definitely helped me to get through this terrible time

Dollyvee- thank you, thank you, thank you. It's good to know that I am not the only one struggling with this and that it is a very normal process given that we were all trained to neglect ourselves in a way but I am trying to take the necessary steps to unlearn these beliefs and start supporting myself a little more. I always find it easy to encourage others and see the best in them but when it comes to myself, I just get stuck, probably because I am still too blended with all the hurting parts of myself that had to bear most of the trauma and suffering as a child


- - -

Yesterday just after getting back home I felt so hopeful. I had escaped the terrifying influence of my parents, it was a new year, and I was hoping to be able to make a new start. But now I feel very much stuck again. There are so many things that are important for me to do as soon as possible (such as finding a job, writing an official statement with regards to those awful investigations still going on against me, etc) but I am finding them so incredibly triggering at the moment so I just stay in bed all day procrastinating and dissociating.
I don't really know that kind of behaviour from myself as I normally am an extreme perfectionist and keep slaving away for hours and hours to get things done to the highest possible standard but this time I seem to be lacking the strength and I'm scared to face the emotions that come along with it.
I guess there are so many things in my life that are unclear right now and I am filled with so much fear and anxiety that I don't have enough energy left to take this on, as well. Every time I try to convince myself to finally get started with those tasks I seem to experience a terrible spiral of shame, guilt and fear that makes me feel like a complete failure, so in the end I just distract myself somehow and stay busy watching TV or reading books or doing other things that aren't really that helpful at the moment.
In a way I can understand that this is just meant to protect me from being traumatized again and having to to re-experience all the sad events of the past few months, but at the same time I know how important it is for me to do these things and stay within the deadlines so I'm not sure what to do.
It's all so much at the moment and I don't really have anyone who could help so it seems like I have to find a way to get through this somehow even if it hurts

[Armee]

Its so much to be managing right now. I'd just hope when the time comes to write that statement that you can get in touch with a bit of anger at the situation. That may help the shame spiral and awaken some motivation and self defense. 

[sanmagic7]

M&H, maybe you need some down time after your visit w/ your parents.  i think of it as self-care - you went thru a lot, and some rest and distraction may be good medicine for a while.  it makes sense that all those other things hanging over your head are feeling overwhelming, along w/ everything you're processing from the holidays.  it's an awful lot.  please, may i encourage you to go easy on yourself.  you deserve that.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi M&H,

I know the feeling you are describing and it's unfortunately the reality of growing up in a narcissistic family. Not that you can't change it or that it but being the child of a narcissist brings up a very different reality and I often feel like I've had to wade through a lot of garbage and I have. When it gets like that, I try to go for a walk in nature and ground myself. Maybe reach out to someone not necessarily to talk about what's going on but the connection might help you see another side, or find something that comforts you that you know you can do.

I think we're brought up to not see the good in ourselves but to also be overachievers and do everything right. So, when something goes wrong, the whole system goes down in a way. It was helpful to read some of the comments on Dr. Ramani's videos and that is a lot of peoples' experience - you can be good, but don't be too good or they'll bring you back down, and who do you think you are etc? I think it definitely fosters a lack of self-esteem.

The work stuff is hard and I have had a lot of issues through work but seeing my t helped a lot overtime. I worked for someone who said to me, "no one here likes you, but I do" while we were alone. It threw me for a loop for a long time even though I knew it was off. I heard that line in one of Dr. Ramani's videos verbatim as something a vulnerable narcissist would say. When I told people about it, no one said or did anything/ stuck up for me etc because they all got along with this person and it made their life easier to do so. When I told him that he can't speak to me like that etc, it was me who looked like the problem that I couldn't get along with him and therefore the group. I know it really sucks but you have to stick up for you because no one else is going to do it.

Sending you a hug if that's ok 

dolly

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you are home and no longer in that destructive environment.

I know the feeling of being so overwhelmed and triggered. Please give yourself as much comfort and kindness as you are able.

[Snowdrop]

Welcome home! I'm glad you're out of that environment.

I know the feeling of being overwhelmed as well. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.