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Dear Papa Coco,
I would love to give you a longer reply but I am afraid I am currently experiencing a really stressful period (family issues, legal issues, and starting my new job), so I am only able to write a few lines but I wanted to respond to you nevertheless.
I understand how hard it is to talk to other people about intuitions and feelings like this because most of them won't understand and a lot of people will start fighting so aggressively against your beliefs/ assertions that it can most definitely cause a lot of trauma. People who speak about these intuitions and gut feelings have been called crazy, lunatics, schizophrenics, and all kinds of terrible things and a lot of them have been subjected to the most cruel and harmful treatment so I just wanted to applaud you for being so brave when deciding to talk about this with us.
The truth is that I have often experienced the same thing and I believe you are absolutely right: we are all connected in some way. Not everyone is equally tuned into this invisible network we are all sharing and some might never get to experience this whereas others receive these feelings and intuitions all the time.
I think a lot of people are afraid of it as they can't understand how this is possible, but to me this is not something to hide but a wonderful gift to share.
I myself don't experience these kinds of things to often but there is one very special person that I care deeply about and when we were still in contact I had those kinds of feelings all the time. I could always feel their presence from many, many meters away and knew they were approaching far before I could actually see them. I used to be able to spot them within seconds when being in a crowd of a thousand people or more. And I could literally sense whenever they sent me an email to the exact same minute. I would be out and about or doing something completely different when I would catch a sense of their smell and hear their voice, so I would look at my watch and remind myself to check my mailbox later and I was always right.
If things like that had happened once or twice one might have thought this was simply a co-incidence but like you I believe that there is a lot more to it.
To me, it makes only sense that I should be able to feel how this person is doing because I love them and feel that we are very much on the same wave length, sharing very similar attitudes and vibrations.

I am still working on being able to sense people (Narcissists) negatively as well and be more cautious when I meet them, but I just wanted to say that I believe you 1000% and hope that this might possibly reduce some of the shame you have been feeling when writing your post.
Your ideas, thoughts, beliefs etc are always welcome here and I always appreciate them a lot.

Armee: Thank you so much for your validation. When I first hang up on my mom and decided to cut her off, I felt so dreadful because I was afraid of hurting her in a way. But the truth is that she had been hurting me for years and it's only right that I stand up for myself for once even if it feels uncomfortable and strange.

Snowdrop: Thank you for your kind words. I did indeed end up getting a hot drink and sitting in bed with a blanket and it really helped. At first I was overwhelmed and kept panicking as I didn't know how to deal with all of these emotions and the pressure coming from my family but I'm slowly starting to feel calmer about it.

PapaCoco: Thank you so much for your thoughts. I think that once again you are right about the narcissism. I'm finding it very hard to detect this because my first instinct is always to see the very best in people but in this case I am starting to see how wrong I was to keep believing my family only wanted the best for me. I'm not quite sure why she is creating all this trauma about the fact that I am struggling with depression (maybe she does indeed worry a bit about me, or she just needs to believe that she was a decent mom) but it did really hurt me how she kept giving this issue a strange twist, as if I was actually hurting her and causing her unnecessary worry that she didn't deserve. She also seemed angry that I hadn't told her about my mental illness even though I was quite open about it with some friends/acquaintances, however I didn't have the heart to tell her that I could never trust her to keep me save and that her reaction proved my point. What hurt the most, though, was the fact that once again she portrayed this as just another issue that I have and totally ignored that my depression and SI do indeed come from the abuse that she and dad put me through for years.
I am still not sure how to move on from here, so I hope I can get a little clearer about further actions when I see my therapist on Tuesday. However, I did start reading the book that you recommended a couple of times (the sociopath next door) and I am finding it eye-opening.
I don't really think that my parents belong quite in that category of sociopaths without conscience but their narcissism comes close enough. And I am starting to go through some of my past experiences at school/ work to see how many sociopaths I have encountered in the past and it feels strangely validating to find that there really was something bigger going on and I was not just being "too sensitive" as people always said.
So, thank you so much for the recommendation, it helps a lot.

This really has struck a chord with me, holidayay.
I keep wondering why I didn't realise earlier what was going on in my family and how much this affected me deeply. It seems hard to believe now given the scale of some of the things I experienced but the truth is that I never really labelled their actions as abuse until quite recently. I mean, I was quite aware of the physical abuse but I nevertheless did not allow myself to notice quite how much this really hurt me because I knew how much more other people have suffered and I felt that my pain was in no proportion to the things that happened. I continued to blame myself for being so sensitive and vulnerable and struggling so much with the fact that dad hit me when he at least never left any bruises or scars, so I guess I was basically gaslighting myself.
As for the emotional abuse, how is it possible that I did not recognize that this had been happening all throughout my life? I mean, I had hurt of emotional abuse and had to do some training on recognising it for work but I never made the connection to my own experiences and I can't believe now how long it took me to really see what was happening. I imagine that I was extremely trauma-bonded to my family and that I had to believe in their "essential goodness" because they were pretty much my only contacts and I had no real friends or anything, but you're right, it does actually haunt me that I didn't see what was happening for many, many years.
And yes, it also haunts me to look back on my past actions and see how much of my behaviour was caused by the childhood trauma. How much I was constantly fawning over others, trying to be the perfect girl that never made mistakes because I so desperately wanted to avoid rejection and being hurt again.
But, you know what I find even more scary and daunting? That I still don't know how to end all of this. I am aware of the trauma and how it affected my mental health and I know that it causes me to deny my own needs literally all the time but I don't know how to stop this and escape this "huge intangible thing" as you called it.
I guess it's easy to blame ourselves for this (once again) and keep pondering about our own shortcomings. Yet, the truth is that this is what was done to us. We couldn't notice sooner because the wounds were just too big and painful and we were only just barely surviving. And we couldn't know better because we were constantly being told as children that we were at fault and at some point we just accepted that. We had to because we depended on those around us to survive back then, and even when we grew up and went our own ways our lives were still overshadowed by pain and the threat/fear of abuse never really went away, so I guess it is understandable in a way to be like this even if it is spooky and devastating.

I'm sorry I haven't been more active on here lately. I thought I was getting better for a while but now it turns out that since I went NC with my parents, my mum decided to search me up on google and other search platforms so she found one of my accounts where I have been talking about my depression and CPTSD.
She never did that before because she is not exactly active on social media or anything yet apparently she felt the need to check up on me.
So, it seems like she had read some posts about my depression and childhood trauma (luckily not on this forum but some other accounts) and now she is freaking out. She has called and texted me loads of times and even asked my sister to do the same.
So now I am sitting here and feeling very anxious, very guilty, very vulnerable, and a lot of other things that I can't define.
And the worst thing is even now she is still just focusing on herself.
- I am worrying about you
- I feel bad because you are constantly causing me concern
- I have a duty of care for you because you're my daughter so you need to speak to me when something is bothering me

What kind of duty of care is she talking about??? She never protected me from my dad's physical and emotional abuse and has constantly been gaslighting me whenever I tried to speak up. How is that a duty of care?
And now I'm afraid that she's going to tell my dad everything she has read (because that's what she always does) and * will break loose.

I just don't know what to do. I have immediately checked my privacy settings for all accounts so that she will hopefully not be able to find me again but I just can't cope with this. Too many calls, too many text messages, too much pressure and too little genuine care.
It feels like she is just freaking out and needs to do something to maintain her self-image of a "good mother" (haha) but I can't deal with this right now. Eventually I just hang up on her and stopped responding to her messages. It felt good in a way because I had never done that before and it was quite freeing but at the same time it gives me a lot of anxiety because I don't know what is happening and can't foresee how this is going to end.

Thank you all so, so much for your support, I really appreciate it.
The past few days have been very busy for me with a lot of things going on, so I didn't even manage to pop into the forum and read all your messages until now.
I wished I had the time to respond to all of you in detail, but this will have to wait for some time as I still have so many appointments and deadlines to juggle at the moment.
The good news is that it seems like I have found a job that will give me a decent salary whilst I figure out what is going to happen with the investigations/ allegations against me. It's not my dream job but at least it brings me some relief as I won't have to worry that much about being able to pay my rent. I just hope that I will be able to manage the stress as it involves making a lot of phone calls, which always fills me with a lot of dread.
The other think that seems like a small light at the end of the tunnel is that I have found a solicitor who has taken on my case and she said that we have a chance to make a claim for unfair dismissal based on the fact that I had been experiencing so many dreadful things at that job (sexual harassment, bullying, etc) and they made absolutely no adjustments for me even though they knew how much I was struggling with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
So, my hope is that this will finally bring an end to all my struggling. I'm not looking for any financial compensation or anything, but it would mean so much to get some recognition for the things I have been going through and it would also mean that they would have to drop those nasty allegations against me, so if we are successful with that claim I feel like I could finally end that dreadful  chapter in my life and move on. I wouldn't be unscathed and the trauma would probably remain a part of me for a long time, but at least it would relieve my conscience a lot.
Unfortunately, I have also had some negative encounter with my mum this week, but somehow this didn't bother me so much because at least my job situation was beginning to look more positive which gave me some hope. Still, I will have to take some time to unpack this, as I am very tempted to go completely no contact with her for the time being...

Thank you very much, CrackedIce, I really appreciate your support. I took your advice and started with some of the tasks that seemed more manageable and I think I made pretty good progress at first.
I'm not used to fighting for myself and my own rights and in the beginning I found it very difficult to keep going because there were a lot of negative beliefs coming up. "You deserve this pain. You're not good enough. You're just a wretched little girl and there is no hope for you, so you should better give up your efforts and save you all the suffering."
In the past these kinds of thoughts always used to stop me as I didn't have the strength to argue with my trauma voice but this time I kept going and for a couple of days I actually started to feel quite hopeful and a little better about myself as a person. I realised that not everything that happened was my fault because I had suffered so much whilst working at this terrible place. There had been sexual harassment, discriminatory comments, and bullying and nobody was prepared to help me when I asked for support so it probably was only a question of time till I would eventually break down and snap under all this pressure. This was a lot of stuff to bear for anyone but when you already have suffered from so much trauma in the past it makes it even more difficult to cope with things like that.
It was hard to realise how much pain I have had to endure but it also gave me hope that people would understand my situation and that it might possibly prompt them to reconsider those awful allegations and accusations against me. So, I tried to reach out for help and support with some safeguarding boards and other local authorities in the area and see whether they could give me some advice and maybe even help me when writing my statement, but I got rejected from all of them and it just feels so sad and awful.
I've mentioned how much the sexual harassment affected me, how much I suffered from the emotional abuse of my superiors at work, and how much the racist and homophobic comments horrified me but there was absolutely no understanding and no support offered, so I just feel despair. When not even people whose job it is to deal with issues like this are willing to support and protect me how can I ever hope to find understanding from anyone? What is wrong with the world that we listen to people who are disclosing their pain and just dismiss them without thought?
I don't know how to move on from this. There are a couple of people left whom I could possibly ask for help with my situation but this has always been difficult for me even under the best circumstances and after the most recent experiences I am not sure whether I have the necessary strength to do that.

I am so sorry to hear how much you were struggling yesterday.
I know this terrible feeling when all your confidence, self-worth, passion and hope suddenly leave your body all too well. I have been stuck in it for weeks when that incident happened which cost me not only my job but also the person I love. So, I just want to say that I really feel for you in this situation. It is a terrible thing to go through that can make it very hard to function.

That said, I do love your resolution of trying to see the world through your son's eyes. It is such a wonderful idea that speaks of hope and courage and I wish so much that you will indeed be able to find a world full of light and hope and happiness, the way you described. It's what you deserve and what your son deserves and so I hope that you will be able to leave the darkness behind and discover that there are better times waiting for you.

The mantra these days seems to be all about getting 'back to yourself'. That is something I don't want to do. I don't want to 'get back to myself', that person isn't real. She is a chameleon that is an expert at changing herself to fit in with others regardless of herself and her feelings and needs. An expert shape-shifter.

When I was younger I used to love this mantra "finding a way back to yourself". It seemed to suggest that I could somehow undo all the pain and trauma I had experienced and rid my heart of all the scarred tissue that had build up around it through years of abuse. Now I understand that this isn't possible because the trauma is a part of me, whether I want it or not. The good and the bad are all part of my life, the same way as all emotions are part of my experience (whether they are labelled as positive or negative). So much like you I have stopped trying to find a way back to myself. This would just mean that some parts of myself are somehow "wrong" or "not okay" or "less worthy" but I don't want to keep thinking and acting like this any longer. It may have been what my parents made me believe or what a lot of new age gurus suggest, but I don't really think that is good advice. We are all wonderful, multi-faceted, complex beings and we deserve not only to discover and accept all the different parts of us but we also deserve to find that all of these parts hold miracles.

I don't remember where I read it (it might well have been on this forum) but somebody once said: all the things you dislike about yourself and that you call "vices" are really hidden strength, just with the volume turned up a little too high. So, rather than trying to cut these completely out of ourselves we should just try to explore them a little more so that we can adjust the volume and find their melody.

Thank you Blueberry and Rainy, I really appreciate your help.
I will have a look at the thread in more detail and see if I can join that Facebook group. Thank you

Growing up my parents have always described me as a picky eater because there were so many foods that I couldn't eat. It might be because of their smell, texture, appearance, or any other characteristics but something about them literally made me feel nauseous. The problem was that my parents never took me seriously and refused to listen but either forced me to eat unsafe foods or let me go hungry. There were so many times when I had to go without food at school because they had once again provided me with a packed lunch that I could not eat without feeling he urge to vomit.
As I got older the number of foods I could safely eat got less and less and somehow this was especially apparent when I was stuck in an emotional flashback or depressive episode when I would suddenly find myself unable to eat anything. I would feel very hungry and go to the supermarket to get something to eat but often left without buying anything because all the food suddenly looked and smelled so disgusting.
I have since found that I was not just a picky eater that was just trying to "make life difficult for my parents" but that I am indeed suffering from a little known eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive food intake disorder). Apparently this disorder is often co-morbid with Autism and ADHD but can also be caused by trauma and anxiety so I was wondering if anyone here has any experience with eating disorders.
Have you sought help from anyone? Are there any strategies that help? I feel like I have lost a lot of weight recently and think that I should probably try to do something about this but don't know what or how

Armee- thank you so much for your advice. In the beginning I felt completely overwhelmed by shame and guilt but I'm beginning to feel some anger now and I find it strangely freeing. I never knew how much relief anger could bring. Growing up this was an emotion that was forbidden to anyone other than my dad and if we decided to defend ourselves against him or take up any kind of fight response this was punished most severely. But now I can finally see how this might be a valid response. I would never want to direct my anger at anyone but I have been saying a lot of nasty words in my head because I am so angry at these people for accusing me of such terrible things, ruining my future, blaming me for their shortcomings, and  using my mental health issues etc. against me. This is just not okay and I am determined to fight. As a child I never had a chance to fight because I depended too much on my parents and of course this flight/fawn behaviour carried on into my future but this is the first time I really feel like I do not deserve all this pain and that I need to do something to protect myself.

Sanmagic - Thank you so much for your validation. Part of me knows that I deserve to rest and recover but this was never allowed in my childhood and so the times when I tried to distract myself or just play were also the times when I was most vulnerable to my dad's abuse. I guess this is the reason why I find myself unable to relax and often unable to sleep most nights and yet I feel that I am slowly getting better at that. It feels so good hearing from others that I am allowed to take care of myself, so thank you for your help.

Dolly, I'm so grateful for the hug, I really needed that. And I am also grateful for all your advice regarding narcissistic parents, this has been so eye-opening and validating for me. In a way it makes me sad and anxious because I now know that my dad is never going to get better and that his abuse is never going to stop unless I stop contact with him, but it also feels very validating. I finally understand what happened to me and I can start to see that this was never my fault, that I was just a victim of a narcissistic family that never cared about the person I actually am and dried whatever they could to turn me into the ideal daughter they envisioned me to be. But the truth is that it's humanly impossible to fit into this perfect vision they have subscribed themselves to and even if it was I wouldn't want to.

Not alone - Thank you so much. I still struggle with giving myself comfort and kindness but I feel like I am healing just a tiny bit more every time I hear it, so I'm very grateful for your words

Snowdrop - Thank you for making me feel less alone with this overwhelmed feeling, I appreciate it a lot


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It feels so good to have all of your support, it gives me strength to keep facing this situation even when I'm tired and exhausted and just want to give up. There are days like yesterday when it all seems just too much to bear but thanks to all your help and advice I felt a little better today and I was so glad to finally be able to catch my breath. The triggers are all still there and I can feel the shame and guilt still lingering and lurking underneath the surface but at least I have been able to do some of the things I wanted to do, which was a relief. I haven't been able to face the greatest, scariest challenge, yet, but I hope I can build a little bit of momentum so that I can finally gather enough strength and courage to tackle this issue during the weekend or early next week at the moment.
It's always at the back of my mind and I can literally feel the anxiety stirring somewhere deep inside of me but I also know I need to be careful and not force myself to do too much at once or else the trauma might overwhelm me again.

Sanmagic - thank you for your understanding and for reminding me it's okay to take care of myself. I really struggle with that at the moment (there are so many feelings coming up that seem to say that I don't deserve anything better) but I know you're right and I'm trying to have more self-compassion even and especially when these thoughts come up

PapaCoco- thank you for always being there, knowing that you care and that you understand definitely helped me to get through this terrible time

Dollyvee- thank you, thank you, thank you. It's good to know that I am not the only one struggling with this and that it is a very normal process given that we were all trained to neglect ourselves in a way but I am trying to take the necessary steps to unlearn these beliefs and start supporting myself a little more. I always find it easy to encourage others and see the best in them but when it comes to myself, I just get stuck, probably because I am still too blended with all the hurting parts of myself that had to bear most of the trauma and suffering as a child


- - -

Yesterday just after getting back home I felt so hopeful. I had escaped the terrifying influence of my parents, it was a new year, and I was hoping to be able to make a new start. But now I feel very much stuck again. There are so many things that are important for me to do as soon as possible (such as finding a job, writing an official statement with regards to those awful investigations still going on against me, etc) but I am finding them so incredibly triggering at the moment so I just stay in bed all day procrastinating and dissociating.
I don't really know that kind of behaviour from myself as I normally am an extreme perfectionist and keep slaving away for hours and hours to get things done to the highest possible standard but this time I seem to be lacking the strength and I'm scared to face the emotions that come along with it.
I guess there are so many things in my life that are unclear right now and I am filled with so much fear and anxiety that I don't have enough energy left to take this on, as well. Every time I try to convince myself to finally get started with those tasks I seem to experience a terrible spiral of shame, guilt and fear that makes me feel like a complete failure, so in the end I just distract myself somehow and stay busy watching TV or reading books or doing other things that aren't really that helpful at the moment.
In a way I can understand that this is just meant to protect me from being traumatized again and having to to re-experience all the sad events of the past few months, but at the same time I know how important it is for me to do these things and stay within the deadlines so I'm not sure what to do.
It's all so much at the moment and I don't really have anyone who could help so it seems like I have to find a way to get through this somehow even if it hurts

Thank you so much for all your kind words, my friends. I'd normally say a few words to each of you but I'm still processing lots of different things and I just don't have enough headspace at the moment...
So I just wanted to give a quick update as I have finally made it back home to the UK. I've never fully realised it before but it is such a massive relief to not be in constant contact with my parents anymore. Whilst I was staying with them over Christmas and New Year's I constantly felt unsafe, unwanted, and judged. I could hardly sleep and very rarely dared to leave my room. I avoided going anywhere near my dad if at all possible because his terrible touching never stopped but of course I couldn't escape his constant angry shouting reverberating through the house and I couldn't escape his constant criticism and verbal abuse.
Now that I'm back I feel so so much better. My worries are still there (I still haven't managed to find a new job, the investigations against me are still going, and of course there are so many other things to be concerned about) but I have finally been able to sleep again and tend a little more to my own needs rather than living in constant fear and reverting back to my defence mechanisms.
I've had a session with my T today and it was so helpful to hear her confirm that what I have had to endure with my parents is indeed emotional abuse and sexual harassment and that my dad does indeed seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum. I wonder how I didn't actually recognise this during the first 27 years of my life since it seems so overwhelmingly obvious right now but at least this new knowledge helped me get through the ongoing abuse and it helped me make the decision to not go back again if I can avoid it.
It's a painful decision to make because I don't really have anything against my mum (other than enabling my narcissistic dad and not doing enough to protect me I don't want to blame her) and I certainly don't want to abandon her whilst her health is so fragile, but I just can't bear being close to my dad anymore and I know I need to protect myself. He seems to be getting worse and worse with age and I don't have the strength to keep dealing with his constant anger and rage. Nor do I want to. I've realised that he is just a despicable person and I can't even name any positive traits that he might have, so why should I spend with a person like this who just keeps hurting me again and again but never takes responsibility for his actions and always blames me for everything.
So, yes, I kind of wished there was a way to keep seeing my mum from time to time without having to cross paths with him but that doesn't seem to be the case, which means that the only way to protect myself and give myself space to heal is to cut the ties with them.
It's painful and scary and naturally I feel like a terrible daughter to be doing this, yet I can't see how I am ever supposed to get better if they keep abusing me.

I am so incredibly sorry, Rainy.
I am not the greatest fan of birthdays, holidays etc. because I don't like to be the centre of attention and I never know how to react (somehow I find it almost painful to be receiving presents because part of me feels like I don't deserve them) but the only thing that is worse is to be completely forgotten.
I remember one birthday that I spent completely alone and not a single person congratulated me or sent any wishes except for my parents living a thousand miles away in a different country. I felt so incredibly lonely that day and it triggered one of the worst flashbacks and suicidal episodes I ever had because it made me feel so terribly worthless, as if nobody cared and my presence was completely useless.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how hurtful it can be if people don't remember your birthday or anniversary etc. but of course I'm not married so I can only imagine how terrible it must be if your own partner refuses to remember important things like this.
You deserve to be loved and cherished and you deserve to celebrate days like these with your significant other. So, I totally understand that it hurts your feelings when he forgets. But (for me) the worst part is that he seems to be showing no regret or remorse whatsoever. From what you have written, he doesn't seem to acknowledge that he has hurt your feelings and he is not trying to make amends, which makes me feel very angry at him.
Even if you say birthdays and anniversaries are not a big deal to you, I still think that you deserve to be treated better.
Being married for such a long time is a big achievement and you have probably had to deal with a lot of highs and lows, so I feel like celebrating your anniversary together would be such a wonderful time to reflect on that and acknowledge what you do for each other and it's sad that you don't get to do that.
So, if you feel ready, maybe you can try and tell him how this made you feel and you could try to make him aware of what it is you need. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have a conversation like this, but I'm afraid I can't think of any other advice right now.
If you want and it feels right, I'll join you in celebrating you and your anniversary, though 

Larry,
I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help but if you want to talk or want any other kind of support, please feel free to reach out anytime. I care about you and wished I could help even if it's just from afar

Me too, Larry. Always happy to talk if you're struggling