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Thank you, Armee. I so appreciate your words. I listened to that song and omg... it fits my situation perfectly. It's also a fun beat!

Also I wanted to note, when I said my mom is pushing away everyone she loves/who love her, it's because she is treating us so cruelly. There is a level of empathy I have, for I know she is mentally unwell and I honestly think she is oblivious to a lot of the hurt she causes. But I can't let that empathy prevent me from acknowledging my hurt, and taking the steps to heal.

I am having a lot of panic attacks right now. These are new for me. I'm trying to be kind to myself. I want to heal so badly. I want this to stop affecting me.

My mom has been going through a very rough spell. I've said to those closest to me that she is going to push away all the people who love her and who she loves away. She is pushing us all away.
Today she said that she only has 4 daughters (instead of 5) and I have no mom. I won't spell out the long situation that led us here. Today I'm very shaken and very said. I want space from her, but I didn't want this.
I still feel like everything is my fault, and that I made this all up in my head.

Thank you so much, Armee.

Thank you for reinforcing the words I've been trying... but with difficulty... to speak to myself. That I have nothing to feel guilty about.

It definitely feels explode-y. Thank you for sharing with me that word, I definitely relate! So many thoughts and feelings and a lot of them don't make sense. I'm so sorry you've had to feel these feelings as well. The guilt is definitely something else. Many people don't understand the guilt the way we do. I'm afraid I'll never rid myself of it.

But even if I don't, I believe there's a place to show myself grace in the midst of it, and engage in the things that help me heal. Sometimes it's very hard to do those things though!

Hey my mom put me through similar manipulations. You've done everything and more.  You aren't wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about, that type of person just forces that on us. It's really difficult and mindbending. When my mom was still alive I described the feeling she engendered in me as explode-y, like all the feelings all at once in a chaos of confusion about what was happening and why and maybe I really was wrong and bad etc. It was a horrible feeling and so I'll just agree with you that yes you are making the right decision and yes, the guilt is vicious.

Definitely not overstepping. I really appreciate you speaking honestly. Because I feel like it was manipulative, but I also get in my head and start to think I am at fault and if only I was better at xyz then maybe...

But it was manipulative, and it is heartbreaking, and it's not my fault. Thank you for standing with me 

I hope I'm not overstepping. What your mom said was very manipulative. I wish I could pluck the lies and guilt away from you, but I know it is not that easy.

but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit.

Heartbreaking, but probably correct.

I was right about that job in my hometown not being good for me. My mom asked me what I was thinking about it the next day (yesterday), and I told her I decided to not pursue that right now. I want to stay in the city I'm in. The result of that was 1 hour and 50 minutes of her lecturing/manipulating/guilting me. It was honestly really awful. She kept saying, "If roles were reversed and you were a single mom in a new city I would drop everything to move to where you are and help you." And "I must've taught you to value adventure more than family." And "Someday you're going to realize everything I do for you, and you're going to regret not helping me. But I'll probably be on my deathbed before you realize that. And who knows...I could be hit by a Mac truck today so you should realize it now." I felt very confused during the conversation because she kept saying how much she needed me. She needs me because she is going to be lonely and need someone to talk to, and she needs me to help take care of my little sis. (She's a teenager but developmentally disabled. I've offered many, many times to have my sister come live with me but my mom won't entertain the idea. She wants me to move in with them and help her take care of her that way). But then my mom would go on to say, "I was just thinking how proud I would be to have you working in the hospital with me. I would be SO PROUD." It was confusing because I want to be wanted, but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit. I can't reconcile the two.

The part about me valuing adventure more than family also really hurt. I have given everything for my family. I raised her children and they are my world. I have offered to become the full-time caregiver for my little sis. I do everything she asks, to a fault. Also living in this city isn't an "adventure." I live in a boring city but I love it, it is my home now.

There was so much more to this conversation. So much manipulation. But the thing is... I still feel incredibly guilty. I left that conversation feeling like I was in the wrong. I should be there to help my mom. I should give up everything and move there to be with her and to help with my sister. After all, she is right, she does do a lot for me. I still feel guilty.

But I know that choosing to stay where I am is what I need. Even if I'm lonely here. The conversation proved that I was making the right decision.

I just so wish I could get rid of the guilt.

What are the  6 symptoms of Complex PTSD/Complex Relational Response, Kizzie? Or where can I find this? Thanks 

Thank you, Armee, for your kind response. And for validating my experience. It really means more than I can express, and I am thankful.

Things have looked up some. I'm not in quite as dark a place as I was. I visited my family for the weekend which is always a mix of good and bad. I watched my younger sister as she performed in her final high school performance, as she is graduating in a couple weeks. That was pure joy. Everything I do is for her. I love her more than life itself... something I hear parents say about their children a lot. She is my world. If anything good came out of the way I was parentified, it's that I love and care for my sisters fiercely, and in many ways, they keep me going.

My mom was in pretty good space, which can be very confusing for me. Her sister had recently had a huge rage in which my mom and sister felt the brunt of it. It's so interesting hearing my mother talk about her, because everything she says my sisters and I have also said about my mom. Sorry that sounds confusing. It's just interesting to see how much my aunt is like my mother, and interesting to hear my mother process through it. My mom and grandmother have said they think my aunt could have BPD. And those who know my mom intimately also have said that about my mom. It's weird that she can recognize it in her sister but cannot recognize that she is the exact same way. It was a bit triggering for me hearing her talk about it.

I thankfully saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I had been holding out for that appointment. I love my psychiatrist. She adjusted my antidepressant but also talked through some ways I can find community. I go to a small church with a much older population. I love the church but she suggested I find one that has some people my age, and maybe has a young adults group and/or children's ministry I can volunteer with. She also suggested I try out a Celebrate Recovery. My first thought was that wouldn't apply to me because I've never struggled with addiction. But she explained that it's so much more than an addiction recovery group. Does anyone reading this have experience? I'm not sure I want to try it, but maybe. I have a history of an eating disorder which they address, but I've been in recovery for 4 years now so it doesn't affect me so much. It's mostly the effects of relational trauma that really affect me these days.

My mom also just told me about a position that is hiring at a rural hospital in my hometown. She is moving back there this summer and encouraged me to look into the job. There is part of me that really wants to look into it just because I'm so lonely right now, and I have some old friends and lots of people I love in that town. But I know I cannot live in the same town as my mom. It's confusing though because she was okay this weekend. And I know I'd see my sisters a lot more if I lived there. It makes me sad because I just feel so torn. But I know I can't entertain the idea, because it wouldn't be good for me to live so close to my mom. It can be deceiving when she's in an okayish space.

Thank you for your replies, Notalone  I appreciate it.

I kind of wonder what I'm doing on this forum. I question if the trauma is valid at all or if I am making this all up. It was very helpful last summer but now I am comparing and feel like a fake. I'm just so desperate for community, and a place where I am understood. But currently I feel like I'm just speaking to a blank wall and my feelings and thoughts are void of purpose.

A lot of very hard, but important things. I'm sure it's bittersweet marking things off of the divorce to-do list. I can imagine it is a mix of deep grief and relief? So glad you were able to open a bank account and start talking about mortgages. That realm is so confusing and overwhelming, I'm glad you have support and someone at the bank that didn't belittle you like the attorney. I'm sorry your son had to handle that but I'm glad he has you

I've spent some time this evening organizing and cleaning. With my studying and low mood, my home has gotten messy. I hope that I can keep up the motivation to finish cleaning and that, hopefully, it'll make my mind feel calmer and more organized, too.

I'm thankful that I completed my licensing exam yesterday. I have to wait two weeks to get my scores but I'm hopeful I passed and just want to put it behind me. I started a clinical trial for a new medication to help with a physical condition I have, and I'm excited to give back to medical research and hope I'll get some results. I'm very thankful to live in a time where new studies are being done every day on even the most bizarre conditions. I also went to work. I work for a young woman who has a disability in her home. Her family has become my family and I am thankful for that. I really am thankful for a lot and have a lot working in my favor. But man, this loneliness is hard. This depression (I think is what it is) seems so unbearable. I wonder how I can live within both--the thankfulness, relief, and hope... and the utter darkness. With all this, I do feel like I'm just going through the motions. I go to appointments and to work and to testing centers and it all is okay, but there is still this veil between me and it. I come home and I just want to curl up in a ball and not think. I don't really understand how my brain can work this way. I want it to be better.

My mom called me today and said, "You never call me. It's always me calling you. This is a very lopsided relationship." Everything in me tensed up. I was afraid she was going to get mean. She didn't though, but I think she's annoyed with me I'm not the one to initiate calls. Also she has no idea how lopsided our relationship is. I feel bad for that. And I do avoid calling her. But she calls me so much anyways I wouldn't think she'd notice. She will call me upwards of 7 times a day. And every time she calls I get panicked. Also does she really think I'd want to call her after the things she said to me last week? I don't understand, and it all makes me sad.

Standing with you, Bach. I am so sorry you are going through this and having to process all of this. It is heavy. I get that feeling of not knowing myself, and of wanting to be erased. I believe someday we will rise from this mess and find ourselves, but right not it just sucks. You aren't alone

Thank you Notalone for that visual. That is helpful and I've already starting practicing it.

I had my big exam today. I think it went well. I won't know if I passed for 2 weeks. I will be trying to fill the time until I get the results back.

My mom called today to vent to me about my dad. I have asked her multiple times to not do this, each time ending in a serious rage that has left me wounded. I wonder why I even try to set boundaries. They are never respected and they only end up hurting me. She just goes on and on about how awful my dad is with no insight into her own behavior. She talks about how awful he is to her but everything she describes of him she does to her children regularly. I don't question that my dad can have a temper, and I've also seen how she manipulates and is awful to him my whole life, so I have little compassion for her. Which I wish I did, I'm sure she is hurting but I get so tired of this. She also just calls and cries and screams on the phone to me about my dad all the time, without changing anything. She's been saying she's divorcing him for 5 years now but they actually have made no progress. She has been saying she will split from the business from him for 3 years but hasn't. She still calls to chastise him regularly. It has taken such a toll on me. I am put in the position of being counselor over daughter every day. I am expected to be my mom's counselor but to never question her or disagree with her. If I disagree with her she because verbally and emotionally abusive. I had a situation like this last week. I want out so bad.

But my experience with boundaries is that they don't work, and just damage me more. So I sit and nod my head and try to express compassion. But it is so hard, especially when I'm fighting my own battles.

Hi alliematt, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Religious trauma is so hard! It's hard to take apart what was abuse and toxic, and what you value about a given religion. I, too, have been trying to find myself in my religion, taking the good parts and ridding myself of the harm. I can imagine how shaken up you must feel about finding out a church you attended has unresolved SA claims. I hear about these all the time but, like you, can't imagine it happening at a church I at I attended.

Papa Coco, I relate with so much of what you said. It is so valid, and so hard. The world is heavy. When we give up unhealthy ways of coping, the heaviness is still there. Life doesn't suddenly become more tolerable when we give up those ways of coping, but instead demands to be felt? I'm glad you've found meditation to be helpful. Finding new, healthy, helpful coping mechanisms can be hard but they are there 

Hi Notalone, i am so sorry to hear about your divorce and all the awful things that come with it. Divorce is awful even in the best circumstances, and it sounds like yours has been a really excruciating journey. I'm sorry And I'm so sorry with how unfair the law is in this. You deserve better. Here's a warm hug, if you would like one. We are with you