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Hugs all, thank you so much.

I'm still here. Doing better this month. The creativity is definitely continuing. A local art center has a thing each year where they provide crude little wooden blanks shaped like houses. (think a triangle on top of a cube, like a kid's drawing, not always even angles) You sign up and get a free blank, get 2 months to create a "Little House" in any style/media/composition you want within the size limits, then turn it back in. They then have a showing, the the houses are auctioned off for charity. (they made nearly $9000 last year!)

I went and picked up a blank and signed up today. I'm going to cover it in crochet, but the tiny stuff using crochet thread. I found a stitch pattern that will even work for roof shingles. I'm kind of excited about this. it improves my skills, lets me be creative, and goes to a good cause. I love doing stuff like that. I'm just waiting for the thread to arrive on the Amazon truck sometime today.

Meds staying the same, therapy going decently, definitely doing okay. I'll take it where I can get it. 

Just kinda popping in here as someone who is asexual to clarify a bit: Asexuality is a lack of sexual *attraction* to any person in particular. You can be asexual and have a libido or not, be sex averse or not, it's a spectrum.  Kinda like looking at a menu and going "eh, nothing in particular looks better than anything else." Also I don't usually like that comparison as it encourages the haters who are all "everyone has to want sex, it's how our species continues." For example, I am asexual. I can appreciate someone being aesthetically attractive, but that doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them. I personally don't care what others do and support a healthy sexuality and safe/sane/consensual choices for others.  As I like to describe it, I might appreciate the artwork, but i don't want to hang it over the fireplace. (LOL)

this is a great resource: https://www.asexuality.org  Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.

It's also important to point out that even if one is asexual due to trauma, that's perfectly valid. It's also valid if that isn't the reason. We're all valid.

Thank you, San, Hope.

Still waiting, still creating. Processed some more grief since the 13th was Mom's birthday. That was still hard. No changes on meds or really anything else for now.

Thank you, Narc & Armee.  Still here. And yes, the meds do make a difference. I've been able to get a little writing done and am currently taking a free class through a local writing group on a different method of making notes for your writing. Not sure how much I like the class or not. It's online and recorded, but the lady contradicts herself several times in the first video alone. Oh well, it's free. I'll just pull what nuggets I can from it, it's only four videos. I do get quite amused at how many authors think their method is the be-all and end-all and everyone can benefit from it. Everyone is creative differently. If it works for you, that's all that matters.

Bro's cat does like the blankie. Now he can switch her blankies out when they need washing or whatever. Not spoiled, though. (eyeroll, ha ha)

BFF has Paramount Streaming, so we've been binging Star Trek: Strange New Worlds a few episodes at a time, usually with lunch or dinner. This show... Wow. One of the execs is Gene Roddenberry's son, and maybe it's his influence, but this show blows me out of the water. I grew up in the first era of re-runs of the original series, and this series has utterly amazing continuity, while simultaneously expanding where the 1960's one didn't. I watch each one, probably with hearts in my eyes, and each one give me such joy. The actors are wonderful, the set and effects are beautiful, and the storylines connect to the original one in delightful ways. It reminds me of one of the good things about being a kid. Being able to re-experience something that makes me happy is amazing, honestly.

I've still had nightmare nights, down days, been triggered and such. But I am not letting go of something that makes me smile, that's for sure.

I'm still here!  Been down a bit lately. Also was off my anti-anxiety med for a few days due to having to wait for something to be restocked in the pharmacy, but that's fixed.  it certainly was interesting to see, though. On about day 4 off of it, my BFF hadn't responded like he normally does to emails and texts, and I started doom-spiraling. He was fine, just actually able to sleep in for a change. But I was totally worked up. I also noticed I'm much more easily irritated off it as well.

Have been getting a little crocheting done. I need to block some squares to put together. I have some baby yarn, you know that pastel color type, from the bag someone gave me. I have no kids and know no kids, so the bro's cat is getting a blankie. LOL Hey, fur kids count!

Therapy has moved to every other week this year, I think that's an improvement. Part of me still hates thinking I'll be on these pills forever unless something else is invented, but I try not to think about that. No letter yet on the disability front either. Argh. just... sigh.

Thank you, Blueberry. I don't post as often because I feel like I'm kind of in a holding pattern for some reason. Therapy goes from weekly to every other week this year, so I guess that's progress. The creativity is doing okay, got several things finally finished in the crochet basket. I have pieces to put together for a cardigan, but haven't had the energy to do so. I've also had more dreams where mom and I just hang out and do stuff like we used to, so it's hard because I sometimes don't want to leave those. Still haven't been able to finish crime show episodes where the jerk, I mean father figure, was in the military.

On a positive note, I've cooked a little more. Still love that crock-pot!  I also discovered you can do hashbrowns in an air fryer, so no more standing at a stove for 20 minutes on those! (I'll admit, I love potatoes)

new year, same stuff.  Still missing my kitty a lot. Someone on a friend's discord server got some kittens to foster and one's an orange tabby. It's super sweet, but I cry nearly every time I see a photo.

Have been cooking more lately. I guess that's good.

Just kinda blah lately. Creative, yes, so that helps a little. I dunno, maybe I'm just down because it's so dark and gray today, supposed to snow later. bleah

weird dreams last night, lots of being lost.

Narc, I do actually have a pair of those. I'll see if they help. Thanks for the suggestion!

Still plugging along. Was watching more Unsolved Mysteries and found myself crying over a few episodes. They often had "so and so were separated as children and haven't seen each other in 30 years" reunions, or "X just found out she's adopted", blah blah blah. One had a gal find out that her dad wasn't her biological dad. That her mom had loved her bio dad, but (back in the 50s) felt she had to marry the one her family approved of. So X was looking for her bio dad. Long story short, they found him, he was thrilled to know about her, had always loved her mom, and wanted to meet her. He was a very sweet, kind, and openly caring kind of person.

Part of me was the typical "aw, how sweet, they found each other." But a part of me was ugly-crying with jealousy. I wanted so bad to have what she had. To suddenly find out that the person who raised you wasn't actually who you thought they were, and that there was someone out there who was a good person and would love you and accept you? yeah. I was painfully jealous. So many of us, I think, would give so much to have that magical happy ending.

Other than that, just staying warm. The holiday don't really mean anything to us, so we're not doing anything. I had some points from doing surveys on a site, so I exchanged them for an amazon gift card and got myself one of those super-soft big blanket hoodies. And it's in dusty pink! The inner children are loving it as much as I do, this thing is soft like those minky blankets. Remember the little girl in the Minions movies who holds the stuffed unicorn and yells, "IT'S SO FLUFFY!"  Yeah, like that.

The amlodipine seems to be lowering the blood pressure adequately.  Well, that and not eating as much salt in things. it's really the prepared stuff that gets you. Some chicken mac and cheese frozen dinner? 48% of your daily salt. Stuff like that.

Didn't sleep well last night, had the teddy bear with me because it was incredibly windy and rainy all night long. The moisture is what we need, but the wind is... difficult. I did get a little crocheting done today. Not much because the cold definitely makes my hands hurt a little more, but i can't wear the fingerless gloves while I crochet. The yarn doesn't slide through the fingers like it has to, LOL.

Did some more exercises in the "Courage to Heal" workbook. Not easy, answering the questions makes things very real, and I often dissociate when that happens. I was also watching old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries on youtube the other day, and one had the head of the FBI asking people to watch out for a new addition to their 10 Most Wanted List. He was a lifelong CSA perpetrator, escaped prison twice, etc.  Fortunately, the update indicated he was cause about a week after the broadcast, got 40 yrs in jail, and passed while in there. Good. I found myself saying some really angry and unpleasant things to the screen while I watched that, even crying a little. Had to take a nap after that emotional storm.

On one positive note, I got another amazon gift card for doing surveys. not much, but it allowed me to order this blocking board for crocheting, which means I will be able to perfect the granny squares I'm piling up.  Small thing, but makes me happy.

Wow. So, that Rx is resolved and is ready for my bro to pick up this afternoon for me. BUT... That was my psych doc.

Another med we're trying for my blood pressure with my regular doc... I'm wondering if the pharmacy has a new employee or something. According to the web page, that Rx, which was previously at 5mg, is "waiting for approval". The current version, at 10mg, is due to be refilled in 3 days, which usually means I can order it now.  Is it so hard to tell that I WAS on 5mg a day and am now at 10mg a day, which should logically mean I don't need the blanking 5mg version refilled?

I tried calling my doc's office, they transferred me to the person who deals with processing approvals for refills, her voice message says to have the pharmacy fax crap in and it can take up to 5 days to process the request. Like, *? Why does is take you a frigging week to get a Dr's approval, a yes or no answer 90% of the time? Maybe this is partially a reason for the blood pressure!

When you get the actual medical care in this state, it's decent, but getting people to do crap on time and actually communicate is a nightmare I have never seen so bad anywhere else I've lived. Insane. I don't need this anxiety increase, I don't need this stress, and I can't imagine how someone who DOESN'T have a former career in the healthcare industry manages to deal with this. I hate that I need to take pills for anything at all, I don't need incompetence as a hassle on top of my pain and other junk.

Dealing with stupidity is very aggravating first thing in the morning. So I have a medication I take for anxiety. Unfortunately, I have to take another medication because the anxiety med has a very common side effect. Having 0 income, I cannot afford an over-the-counter fiber supplement. Therefore, I get generic Dulcolax by prescription.

I have gotten this with no issue for over a year now. I have an issue this month, it's not filled. First I hear the doc supposedly didn't put through the refills. (BS, she did it while we were in our appointment) Then the pharmacy tries to tell me they need her to approve a different brand, the regular one isn't in stock.

I call the office today, they haven't received any communication from the pharmacy about anything.

I call the pharmacy, ask what the issue is, they say it's "because that's available over the counter, so someone thought it'd be cheaper that way." deep breath No, the item available over the counter is the brand name, not a generic, hence it's THREE TIMES the price, which is why I have a Rx for the generic. They apologize and start filling it. (supposedly. we'll see if I get a "it's ready" text later.)

I don't care if it's available over the counter, you don't get to make that decision for me. My doctor wrote a prescription, your job is to fill it. Period. It must be a new employee or a substitute for someone, because it hasn't been a problem for over a year now. It's times like these that I appreciate my work history in healthcare and health insurance so I know how to deal with this junk.

Counseling place was glad I dealt with it and said call them back if I have any other issues, they'll help.  Bro just went out to get tasty coffee drinks, which is sweet. I need a reward for dealing with that mess. I suppose at least if it had to happen, it happened on the one day a week that the Dr. is there to approve stuff if need be.

Thank you all. Gentle hugs back!

Nothing much lately, just staying warm. Got a little crocheting done. Haven't felt really "down", but just kind of blah. I mean, I usually feel wiped out/exhausted after dissociating, but this is more of a general blah. it's probably just winter setting in and wishing hibernation was an option. Also really missing my boy. Winter is more sucky without a cuddly kitty. Pumpkin is sweet, but not really cuddly. Abby is still a little --. I honestly don't know if she'll ever be nice and it's very disheartening.

Had a good reading the other day in my ACA meeting about re-parenting your inner children.  I think some of my difficulty is not only not really knowing how to do that, but my littles are the ones that hold the trauma memories. It's incredibly hard to comfort and reassure someone when you don't know what they remember and they can't communicate due to the trauma.

So, while I crochet, I tend to watch forensics/true crime shows. I avoid topics that might trigger me if I know ahead of time, like cases about kids or military families.  I can only crochet about 10-15 minutes at a time, but I let my hands rest the rest of the show. So Youtube has a bunch of old (ouch) episodes of Unsolved Mysteries, the show with Robert Stack. There was one from the 90s and it had a man who'd survived Vietnam as an amputee. He wanted to find the nurse who took care of him and helped him want to live and go home to his wife. She'd even written to his wife about how inspiring he was and how to not pity him when he got home, really practical advice. Dude did, had two kids and a good life. She saw the show teaser and got in contact, and they all got together, super happy. Normally, I'd just go, "aww, super sweet, so cool", that kind of thing.

But I found myself crying for about an hour and a half instead. Not only from the wonderfulness of them seeing each other again, but at the same time, I was so... jealous. So angry. I would rather have had a GOOD father who happened to have a disability over the whole piece of ----that I had instead. I feel very conflicted at the moment. Happy for them, angry for what I got, jealous (even though the guy apparently passed 9 years after that meeting), just... a swirling mess. And of course, this was after therapy. Just thinking about it again, I'm trying not to start crying again. I know there's no point to the whole "it's not fair!", but both I and my inner children are pouting and wanting to stomp and yell.  now I'm congested, still upset, and exhausted. Ugh. Just ugh.

Hugs, san. Another key is just answer their questions with a basic answer. don't overshare or volunteer anything more than what they ask for. it's not necessary and complicates your lawyer's job.

Thanks, Narc! The genetic thing about the salt is proving true. I had a frozen dinner yesterday for lunch, nearly gasped when I looked at the salt content after, and the reading was high again in the evening. Ugh. My bro is picking up a lower-sodium mac and cheese at the store today, hopefully it tastes okay. This modification is honestly harder than getting rid of a lot of sugar.

Bro is making the sugar-free apple crisp today and we'll cook for the dinner tomorrow. The most salt then will likely be the stove-top stuffing, but I like that stuff. I don't usually have it outside of holidays.

Feeling kinda sad lately, not sure why. Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's that I don't have my sweet cuddly boy cat this winter. I swear, losing him has been so hard. This sucks.