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Still here. Not so great, really. Just terrified and sick of what's been going on, now I have to worry if I'll even HAVE disability and Medicare this month. Several near-panic attacks even though I've been limiting the doomscrolling as much as I can. I've moved to more positive safer online places, but I still have to have some news just to know what's happening and not be taken by surprise.

Bro went and got Dutch Brothers the other day. My mocha was NOT the sugar free one I ordered. I was jittery and hyper for a couple hours and the ol' sugar spiked high. Not enough to set off an alarm, but I clearly was not given what I ordered and couldn't finish it. Explained why it tasted good, though. LOL Still, a little scary. Not even plain pasta spiked it anywhere near that bad.

Trying to focus and do what I can with what I'm capable of. So I'll be creating a little "How to Protest Safely" flyer in English and Spanish and dropping those in various free Little Library boxes around town soon. If I don't do something, I'll just freak out for the next four years.

On a positive note, though, I got some writing edited, submitted a poem to a local contest, and a couple others to a literary journal. Also made a calendar to easily see when various places have open submission windows. I will not be silenced.

hugs, Hope and San, thank you.

So. Currently, my insurance covers it. (medicare, the federal insurance for disabled and elderly, for our friends in other countries) I'm hoping that continues, given that the orange (expletive) signed an Executive Order rescinding Biden's order about lowering drug prices. We'll see what happens. The Ozempic has no generic and considered a "tier 3" med, which means if insurance didn't cover it, it wouldn't happen. It's nearly $1200 every 6 weeks without insurance. I can do the injection ok, but it's hard. it is a light sting but also leaves a light bruise. The glucose monitor, at least, doesn't sting. There's nothing but the pressure when I put it on. I suppose that's good. I also ordered these bandage-like covers that help keep it clean and such. And the app for it can silence all but the lowest blood sugar alarms while I sleep, cause that is SHRILL. Learning a whole new way of eating is annoying, and I don't mean just the food. It's the little "have some protein before bed" and "better little frequent meals than the big three." Eh, I'll find some kind of routine that works.

Talked to my therapist about the political climate. I did not want to be back in this state of terror and not knowing what's coming. And what he's done only so far is horrible. just reading some news headlines spirals me into panic attacks. Anyhow. I have to stop now, or I'll spiral again. I've been throwing myself into my crocheting and cozy peaceful games and the like, and my reading.

On a funny note, I had to put ben-gay on my hands because they were hurting the other day. Then my nose itched and I scratched it without thinking. I could only smell menthol for a couple hours. LOL Then for more positivity, I'm off FB and Instagram and found the federated replacements for those, so I'm realling enjoying being on Pixelfed. I even found a free place for a simple blog in the Fediverse. No centralized control, it's awesome. Everyone has been so supportive and nice in these better places. It definitely feels like decent community again after so, so long.

I'm going to have to be careful and really watch my mood. I can also see that the whole diabetes thing combined with the political junk is bringing on depression too. Sometimes I just want to sleep and not think. I'm fighting taking a nap right now, and it's only 11:30am. Ugh.  Just... ugh.

Ugh. so many things.  Ratio "soft baked bars" use allulose as a sweetener. Although they're a small 1-serving cookie, no GI issues with that so far.

So. They're going to talk to my insurance to see what continuous glucose monitor might be covered, cause I cannot * my fingers 3 times a day. And, joy of joys, I'm on a weekly Ozempic shot, which they gave me a month's worth while the insurance company will process a prior auth. Sigh. She showed me how to do it at the office for the first one. It does sting, yes, but not as much as a wasp once did. it's.... doable. I don't like it and it does sting, but it's doable. (plus it's the belly, and I have padding, LOL) Then I got more meds for the cholesterol and BP, as the current one isn't quite doing it.

Referral for pain management regarding the fibro, apparently he does something with nerves rather than prescribing meds. That's good, but I doubt much will happen. It's not like there's a cure for it. Also a referral to a psych to see if I can go off the prazosin for the nightmares since it's not helping the blood pressure any anyway. At least they're only 2 doors down, so that's convenient, AND they can get me in a week from today, surprisingly. Doc was only 40 minutes behind today. (rolls eyes).

I hate taking pills and the older I get, the more I have.   My inner critic really hits hard with each new pill, lots of guilt and shame, sense of failure, etc.  Have to talk to therapist about that more. And ironically, I take the fewest out of the people I know really well.

I'm just to freaking tired of being sick and tired. Sigh. Thank the gods for my Disability status, though. Back in a month for a bp followup and 3 for another sugar check. So much to keep track of, too! This is why I have 3 calendar/planners, or I'd forget so much.

Moderation. Although the Russell Stovers are tasty, only 3 pieces is clearly too excessive and you will regret it while having plenty of time in the bathroom to contemplate those life choices. That'll have to be a 1-small-piece-maybe-half treat. BFF told me about a SF chocolate bar that doesn't do that. I'll try it later, as they're nearly $4.50 at the store. Oof. Didn't really see anything else super special at the store, alas. But I did find the Greek yogurt I know I like. Oikos Zero, I've had it before and it's ok.

On a positive note, had a charcuterie-style dinner with the BFF last night and then watched 84 Charing Cross Road, with Anne Bancroft and Sir Anthony Hopkins. I'd just finished reading the book and adored it. Movie was an excellent treatment. So that was a lovely evening.

PC: I'm not a big candy eater, but pasta is hard because it's an easy meal when the pain hits. And I love bread. I did find some treats on Amazon, so I'm trying those today and will check the store maybe tomorrow to see what they have. I found russell stover SF chocolates, SF reese's mini cups, a Fiber One "cookie" that's surprisingly good, and a keto brownie mix. (I do see the keto options, Chart, those might help if they taste okay.) Bro has SF Voortman's cookies and the shortbread was surprisingly not terrible, if a wee bit drier than normal. It'd be good with tea. It's just such a big shift, I know.

OK, holy carp, the Russell Stovers are good! I have a mixed bag here and even though the pieces are tiny, the coconut one tastes exactly like a Mounds bar. A tiny piece can satisfy the craving, so this is impressive.

Good point, PC. I do like Oikos zero greek yogurt, and I mix grape-nuts into it. LOL It's doable, just seems overwhelming in the beginning.  Yesterday's Costco trip was depressing as heck to pass by the muffins! LOL But I do have sugarfree peanut butter and I had my bro get some SF jelly to go with it. it'll just take practice, and we'll see what the doc says next week, too.

Hugs all. I think I can control my diet without a lot of effort.  3 days on Metformin now and I've noticed a couple things. I'm not really having the side effects strongly, but they're there. I was playing a puzzle game just now, and all of a sudden, ball of awful nausea exists right under the diaphragm. Like, I was afraid to breathe hard for a few minutes. I'm having some ginger tea now, but it's still slightly there. And yes, I had it with a meal like I'm supposed to. UGH. Let's hope this only lasts a couple weeks at most, like she said.  Preferably less than that, good lord. It's also going to be interesting figuring out what to eat for breakfast to take it with, since I don't like most breakfast foods. I'll just have normal stuff, but I also don't get hungry right away after waking up. This is so much work and brain-ing. it's exhausting.

Ugh. Doc just called. A1C is high, I got the diabeetus. (If you're not in the USA, that spelling is making fun of an old commercial starring Wilford Brimley.) We'll start a common tablet twice a day and discuss further when I go back in 2 weeks, along with "other results". Which, I'm betting, is the cholesterol. I saw it coming, but yuck. There goes a lot of things I like. It never hurts to cut down sugar, but anything's better than potentially dealing with needles.  Let's see if I can affect it enough, it wasn't crazy high. I hate taking pills, but I simply cannot do needles. Not on myself. This sucks.

Thank you all, gentle hugs back. Totally letting it go, and BFF and I discussed the book challenge we're doing this coming year. I've even already chosen and loaded my titles. I also spent the afternoon today knocking out another 23% of the second Mistborn novel, so that was just lovely. I'd forgotten how much I love a good fantasy novel and can get lost in time reading.

Wow. I don't celebrate Christmas, but of all days for this to happen. I was in a great mood, we're gonna have Chinese food with the BFF in an hour or two here... And someone online said ebooks aren't real books and bookworms know that. I replied that ebooks are real books for disabled people who find it hard to hold physical books. AND SHE REPLIED!  She came back telling me to pullout my "handicapped card" so I can play that again, and she's "not interested in that BS".  What a horrible excuse for a human being. I just don't understand how some people can live with such hatred festering in them 24/7. May she have the holidays and life she deserves.

Thank you and gentle hugs back to all.

The new provider went well, I like her and the small office she's in. It has a good feel. She listens, yet is good at setting out things to do. I went and got labs done as a baseline, and I go back in a month. Heck, I was just stunned they HAD an appointment in a month. So I switched to her as my primary on my insurance.

No Therapy this week or next due to holidays, but we'll be discussing going to every other week after the next session anyway. That was where I left off with my previous therapist, so I'm okay with that. Oh, and funny thing, the previous therapist's counseling group is apparently in the same complex as my new doc, so I took that as a sign it was meant to be, LOL.  It's also a block from my bro's doc, so he knew how to find it easily. It's about an 8-minute drive from the house.

I splurged and bought a Kobo e-reader and it's working out great! I read for 2 hours while we were at the laundromat last week, and I finished a large book already. it just hurts to hold physical books for too long anymore, but this helps. Bro helped me justify spending it. He explained it's an accommodation, an accessibility device so I can keep reading, just like glasses. Very very happy with the purchase.

Alas, san, there's nothing a review would accomplish. I'm just hoping this new provider I see in about a week works out. I have some other things to talk to my therapist about tomorrow, then maybe I'll post them here. Just very down in general lately.

HUG thank you!  And the universe then reminds me good things happen too, as I received a holiday card and poem in the mail from a cool online poet, and the foot massager I ordered arrived. *shrug* Okay, thanks, LOL

Well, that was a nightmare and a half. I am so exhausted and hurting just from the stress. Nearly 2 hours worth of calling clinics, sorting through the covered providers the insurance company lists... 4 pages into the list and they're either not actually accepting new patients, aren't at the location the insurance says they are, can't schedule in January because... software?, or in 2 instances, are NOT primary care physicians! Seriously, 4 pages in and I finally found someone who was A) covered, B) where they are listed as, and C)accepting new patients.  Thank the gods, they even had an appointment in a couple weeks. This is utterly insane, I've worked in health insurance and never seen a provider search so inaccurate, even at year end. Wow. I still have to call the insurance back and actually officially set this person as my PCP, but I cannot deal with them any more today. Nuts.

Unsurprisingly, no response from the company about the dinner at all. So to heck with them, they just won't see any more of my money than necessary. (only place with edible sugar-free pies for my BFF) Sad. Just been semi-blah since then. The D&D game on Sundays is good, but we're skipping this coming Sunday due to the DM having family in. At least the rest of us can roleplay by text in the Discord server until then. I've been using up smaller amounts of yarn by crocheting dice bags. Even if I don't need them, it's a fun and useful way to try new stitches and patterns, and use up otherwise pointless stash. But the rest of the time has been vaguely dull and depressing. I'll talk to my therapist about it today. I also need to set a Dr. appt to get refills on meds and maybe meet the new doc. I haven't been to her since switching insurances earlier this year. Let's just hope there's any appts before the end of the year. Ugh. My blah-ness means I really just don't want to deal with it, but I have to.