My grandpa may die

[BlancaLap]

So, when I was young I was really afraid of death, and I would usually have nightmares about someone dying, especially one of my grandparents.
When I started to get out of dissociation, I would be very afraid of getting stuck in dissociation whem someone dies, becausr I knew I would not know ehat to do (sorry for my english). I mean, if someone would die while I was stuck in dissociation... because I would not know how to process the information. I was very afraid of that, so whenever one of my grandparents was feeling bad or in the hospital, I would work harder to get out of the dissociation so I could grieve their loss and respond normally to their death... (Idk if I'm explaining myself very well).
So, the thing is something reslly bad happened to me, and since that I have been stuck in this numbness, irreality state of dissociation, and today I learned that my mother's father is in the hospital because he is sick. I don't want him to die, especially now that I will not be able to process the information. I want to feel secure, not in danger, so I can get out of this, but how can I do that when someone of my own family is dying? Idk what to do... I don't even know if I can do something...

[woodsgnome]

Perhaps the dissociation/numbness is okay, although not ideal? These can be part of many sorts of grief, and perhaps they are just attempts by our inner selves to soothe a bit of the rough parts.

It might even be an alright sign that you notice what's been going on with your reactions. Dissociation and numbness are pretty normal to have during times of concern and grief. You are not wrong to have them; they may even be soothing the fears in their own way, and can turn out to be temporary. You recognize they're there, and that's okay.

This is a naturally tough time; and it's good that you be easy with yourself. Sometimes one finds strength they didn't know they had, and no amount of dissociation or numbness can destroy it.

[Dee]

Work on soothing yourself.  Use your senses, listen to relaxing music.  Light scented candles or use essential oils.  Pay attention to colors that make you feel good.  Maybe go for a walk where you can see, smell, and hear all that is around you.  Also taste.  Drink something soothing, maybe tea?  Your grandpa would want you to take care of yourself.

[BlancaLap]

Woodsgnome: You don'y understand. I don't want the last moments with my grandpa to be... like this.
Thanks Dee, I usually try to remember how thongs were when I was able to get out of dissociation and try to reconnect with the mental state I had then, I think that may help me reconnect with the present.

[Three Roses]

If you're feeling like you're in an EF and want to know how to get out of it:

http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

[BlancaLap]

Thanks Three Roses!