Messages

Thanks Perplex.

I really want to feel connected. Feel very lost and spaced out at the moment. Depressed.

Lots going on. Also not a lot going on. If you get me. The lots going on is my head. The not a lot going on is what I'm doing with my life.

Feel stuck. Empty.

Have private therapist intro today.

They said they recognise my name from local stuff so first need to work out if we can work together.

Also they just changed the time which I can adapt to but I don't feel confident about it.

Trying to manage my expectations. Felt so happy when they got in touch with a time. Now feel pessimistic about the whole thing.

Plus I can't really afford it.

Nothing is ever simple. Really wanted to swear then. Feel angry!

NC/LC... how do I know if this is the right thing when a family member is incredibly mentally ill? They have extreme mania and psychosis. They have been aggressive and violent to me and others. They are currently trying to get help. Two other family members have gone NC with this person. How do I know what the right thing to do is? They are so ill. I feel fear and do not want to be harmed, or have my life destabilised, but I feel guilt as they need treatment and I have been advocating for them for many years, only recently stopping. Do I stop for good? Do I walk away for good? Or go LC? If so... How?

I find myself dreaming more as I progress in my recovery. Feel like the dreaming is just the warmest feeling, and is such a beautiful thing. My favourite dreams are free from the inner critic and outer critic, and often directly defy their messages.

I dream about having a garden, and growing rose and flowers.

I dream about being old and having grandchildren.

I dream about having a child one day.

I dream about owning a house.

I dream about working in a supportive job doing something I love.

This is great.

Raw and tired and proud of myself. Strangely peaceful this evening despite an up and down day.

Resilient
Creative
Caring
Self-aware
Practical

• My cat is rediculously lovely and loving and I love her
• My head is just about above the water after a harsh period of struggle
• I am in a good relationship
• Despite strong symptoms I feel like I am progressing and shifting
• I have a lovely place where I live
• My friends are really understanding

I dream of autumn fires
Where the only colour I feel is
Deep burned orange
Where the only sounds I hear are
Cat purr, dog snore and log crackle

I dream of my husband's words
As he adores me eternally
Each night in his arms
Under a sky of stars that smiles
Happy at the peace we have found

I dream of small worlds
In my arms that I keep safe
And the sounds of my children laughing
When we wrap them in warm bath towels
After bubblebath punk hair antics

I dream of walking in my garden
To deadhead the roses
Another summer behind us
Pink twilight an hour backwards
Looking into my house of love

[notalone]

Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.

...indeed.

Thank you notalone. I put on some relaxing music and made a lovely warming stew, feel tonnes better. I'm fighting off guilt about not going out of the house today by reminding myself that tomorrow I will be walking thousands of steps at work and managing a team of staff 

Sometimes (when I can see straight) I think I'm pretty incredible. Resilient and that.

Super glad that, althought the symptoms are very strong at times, life in general does seem more settled these days. Want to do what I can to find increasing sense of peace and security.

This is the first time I've lived somewhere for more than a year in a long time.

Starting a new journal.

Today has been tiring. I have emailed six therapists in my area, had a phone assessment and subsequent rejection for short-term counselling, and redirected back to doctor. Obviously 

What do I want? Peace
When do I want it? Um... now?

Have some aches and pains, physical symptoms maybe. Cognition has been foggy. Couldn't quite see earlier. Managed to get some work done though!

Phone assessor said, what is one word to describe your mum when you were younger? I said 'depressed'. And the word to describe my dad was 'drunk'.

Have cancelled plans tonight. Need to rest.

Hi Boatsetsailrose,

I've got a few jobs and my favourite is private music teaching. Doing something I love, that lifts me up and helps others to do it too. I'm self-employed in this capacity and find it's a very flexible type of work.

I also like working as an employee part-time (2-3 days) in management positions in charities. Often find the work culture in charities is better and have had a few employers I've trusted enough to disclose to, and who have supported me during difficult times. Policies can help you to be secure in your role and I quite like desk work!

If it's any help, although not what you have asked, I find working in small private businesses as an employee probably the hardest overall. I find small businesses often have the least protection, worst contracts, and bad HR / management practice. There is no authority to oversee management practices (need to be employed 6 months plus to access a tribunal) and often high levels of work pressure, with little capacity to accommodate illness.

I also work as a consultant which brings in good money, at a high rate, meaning I work a little and can rest a lot. It is very hard work but I can do it at home, in my own time. I have no support though, and if I am sick I don't get paid, plus it can annoy big clients and disrupt future opportunities when I am not on time. Nonetheless, the work must be useful and good as I am doing all right, with bits trickling in fairly frequently.

What have you found good? And what has been not so?

Hi all, thanks.

I waited until yesterday evening to reply as felt quite anxious about it. Finally got round to simply saying, yes, I’ll be able to come in tomorrow.

Unfortunately she replied to say that she’s given my shift away to someone else.

Have found this really difficult to process today. Feel very triggered as CPTSD has already caused so much grief and disruption to my life.

I just feel so fed up. Have been crying a lot today and feel like all of this will never end.

Also am now down £210 earnings this week, that’s from missing two shifts due to illness and now this one she took away from me.

I’ve literally got £30. Earlier I told my partner that he could be better off not getting involved in my * life. Experienced a lot of poverty in my childhood So this is all very difficult to process.

Trauma sucks. CPTSD sucks. 

I work part time in a cafe. No one has a contract, everyone is ‘self-employed’. It is a stop gap for me but I have been enjoying it, and felt very friendly with the staff, including the manager, who is also not on a contract and works on the same terms as us.

Recently we have been discussing deeper things and a couple of weeks I spent the best part of one of my days off responding to texts from the manager as she was worried about a the well-being of a member of staff. Things at work had felt safe and caring, with all staff, and I have never felt that any staff member wouldn’t help another out or would complain if someone was sick and they had to cover. I know I wouldn’t!

This week I’ve had one of my worst CPTSD times in a while, and have been in and out of EF’s that have lasted days, with migraines, dissociation and disorientation. I cancelled work last Thursday, early in the morning, and the manager said she could cover. Yesterday I was due to go in and was trying to get ready however I was in the midst of a flashback, was crying, could barely see and operate let alone think clearly. My partner said I shouldn’t go in, and not to worry as my health takes priority and he called the manager and told her I was sick.

Later in the evening, after a lot of rest, I felt better and I sent a text to explain. This is the text I sent, and then this morning I got the response that follows:

From me:
“Hey [manager name], I'm sorry about today. I hope it was manageable and sorry for the inconvenience caused. I don't know how much to say but I have PTSD. It doesn't flare up too often but when it does it really kicks the * out of me. Has been going on all week, have had to cancel a lot of other work not just [cafe name], and today I was preparing to come in, but was in such a bad way that my partner thought it best I stay home and he called you. Hope you can understand, and hopefully I'll be a lot better tomorrow and in time for Wednesday, as resting today has certainly helped. Sorry again, and I hope you're okay as understand you had a lot going on yourself last week. Best, x”

Reply from the manager:
“I do understand, but really it was too late to be calling in, that decision needed to have been made before then (and on Thursday too). I was meant to be finishing early and had made plans. So [staff name] has to cover short notice again, and I was late with what I was meant to be doing. Everyone gets ill and has stuff going on, I get that. But calling in sick needs to be done with as much notice as possible when we're such a small team and you're relied on to be here so we can be open
You're meant to be working Thursday, not Wednesday, are you able to do that?”

I feel a lot of things about this response, and I am unsure of what to do next. Here are some of the emotions and feelings I can place:

• Anger with myself that I have disclosed information about having a serious condition to someone who seems to have shown very little empathy or understanding.

• Upset at being spoken to like this after I have sent a follow up text to apologise and explain. I am a manager myself in my other part time job and I would NEVER speak to a staff member in this way. Ever!

• Anger that managers speak to staff like this so regularly. I cannot stand it and I won’t stay in a workplace where the consideration I extend to others is not shown to me.

• Worried as I feel I can’t work here anymore, and need to find new work. Again.

• Worried that I have told this person private information and I do not feel like I can trust this person to respect me personally now, due to their reaction, which I find aggressive and quite cold.

• Wary that this person may have little actual control over their staff and their own role due to lack of contracts, and therefore this way of behaving maybe an attempt to control their surroundings. I don’t like feeling controlled.

• Disbelief at the level of inconvenience that the manager has described. I know that sickness and cancellation causes issues however I also know that the staff member who covered has been keen for more hours and I am so sure that if that staff member knew that I was sick they would not be upset to cancel.

• Worried to go in to work again. Following a heavy week I don’t want to be spoken to or treated like this.

It’s been over over two hours since I read the reply. I have crafted a few responses but decided to delete them and sit on it, as they are way too empathetic and understanding, and apologetic. I realised I felt anxious upset and then I decided to get in touch with my feelings and write to you guys here.

Mainly right now I feel like I want to text her back asking her to consider her tone and the way she is speaking to me. I actually feel quite furious at this way of being treated after such a disclosure, and I feel like I want to alert her to her position of responsibility. That probably won’t work, or may create more drama, as she is clearly already stressed.

In the mean time I feel like I should apply for new jobs where I could be safer working in jobs where sickness policy is clear and where there is a work culture of empathy and progressive practice around mental health.

After such a horrible week this really is a foul thing to experience. I just wish people would think more and be kinder, especially when it is needed most. I don’t want to have to defend myself, or take someone’s scolding tone on top of dealing with everything else. It makes me feel so angry and upset to have to deal with this right now.

Any advice welcome! Thank you in advance.

Best, Sasha x

I'd like to have children, and I think I will, but I feel so frightened.

I'm frightened of pregnancy and the hormones changing my body and mind in ways that I will find destabilising, as I have worked hard to feel more control over these domains.

I'm frightened if a pregnancy doesn't go well I will fall apart. Early in my adult life I had a terminations where I wanted to keep the baby but was influenced to abort by an angry ex-partner. I felt like I killed my child and the guilt and pain of this, combined with raging confused hormones, brought on OCD, intrusive thoughts and my first major EFs, leading me to feel suicidal and to take almost a year out of work. I'm grateful now as they would have been born into a real mess.

I'm frightened that I won't be able to look after myself when I am a parent, and that lack of sleep and increased stress will cause me to relapse.

I'm frightened I will feel jealous at seeing my partner nurture our baby, and will want his attention all to myself.

I'm frightened that I won't be able to love my baby, won't feel attached and will panic at the attachment needs they have.

I'm frightened at the idea that stress might cause me to lash out, shout, hit and behave in the ways my mother did.

I feel frightened that certain members of my family will believe that they are entitled to be involved in my children's lives, and that there will be violence and pain if they are.

I'm frightened that I'll end up alone with children if my partner dies or leaves me, and I won't know how to cope alone.

I'm frightened that I'll lose my mind, irreparably, and no one will be able to help me.

On the other hand...

I'd like to have children, I think I will, and I feel so excited.

I feel excited to create a family with my beautiful partner, and to bring the joy of  new children into his loving and supportive family.

I feel excited to raise children of my own, with caring values, love and support from me, my partner, my dear friends and my partners family.

I feel excited to immerse myself in motherhood, to devote myself to my children and all that they are and will be.

I feel like excited to play with them, to be creative, have fun and my inner child feels so very excited about this too.

I feel excited to teach them about the world, to talk with them and hear their voices, see their many expressions, and learn their personalities.

I feel excited to encourage all of their development, to the best that I can, being on time, consistent, supportive, practical and humorous.

I feel excited to hold a warm little bundle of new life in my arms, close to my chest, and breathe in my baby's smell

I feel excited to cuddle with my partner and our baby, safe and warm, singing lullabies together.

I feel excited to be pregnant and to feel my close friends and community's love and care for me

I feel excited to meet other mums and join a whole new community, a whole new life, a new stage in my life existence.

I feel excited knowing that I will do everything - every damn thing - in my power to ensure that the top list of things that frighten me do not occur, and if they do I will do everything I can to make things well, to bring peace, and calm, love, stability and support into my children and my family's lives.

I am excited to learn what strong stuff I am really made of <3

It has been so incredibly valuable to me to read all of these entries. Thank you to everyone for sharing.

I am learning that I have been quite dramatically affected by neglect and abandonment in my very early years, potentially from when I was a baby.

My mother recently admitted that she used to take drugs to escape whilst in the same room as as me when I was a baby because she 'couldn't deal with it' ... I don't know if that means me crying, or maybe my need for her brought up some sort of dissociation, as she was abandoned during her childhood a number of times.

Some body work I did with a therapist included her asking me to recall a form of violent abuse that happened to me regularly, that has no particular start date. I became paralysed with fear and she tried to help me work through it by rubbing my hands against my arms. I almost fell asleep, my arms and legs went numb and I couldn't talk properly for about 5-10 minutes. She held my hands until I could sense touch again and once I had regained physical sensation, I cried. She believed that this indicated a strong likelihood that abuse had begun in infancy. Whether this would be neglect or violence I am not sure.

Some things that I think might be related to early years neglect/abandonment are:
- My main trigger response is freeze.
- I have spent my life trying to make cosy safe spaces, with warm blankets, soft bed, snug.
- I can viscerally remember the smell of my mother's skin, and even the taste. It feels like a sad memory. Perhaps I craved it.
- When I think of myself as a baby I feel uncomfortable, sad and often feel like crying