Messages

hope, you're such a sweetheart.  i can feel that vibe off you thru the screen. 

i think you're doing wonderfully well with all that you've got on your mind.  and now thinking that you might start venturing out to other parts of the forum.  good for you!  that's a step forward in itself.

the intensity of your feelings at visiting the healing porch - it is a magical place and full to overflowing with caring, support, comfort, and soothing gestures to others.  really, it has everything we've ever needed and didn't get.   i've shed tears many times because of what i've discovered there. 

i'll be there tonight.  if you decide to visit, and you'd like some gentle company, i'd be happy to just sit with you and look around, enjoy who and what's there.  i'm thinking of carving a pumpkin for halloween there, set it on the railing.  a little bit of fun.  big hug to you, hope. 

o my heart, how horrible, mftb.  i don't even have the words.  i know how profoundly these nightmares can affect us.  big hug.

may i commend you on what great care you took of your 11-yr. old you.  that was so wonderful to read.  they will come around eventually as they learn to trust us. 

with my last ef, i was triggered by my t.  i was able to take care of little me by confronting her, after figuring out what was going on.   i haven't had many of those dialogues that you wrote about.  i'm still not very in touch with feelings, but the action i took was my way of showing little me that i'd take care of her.

it really does work differently with everyone.  i'm really glad you're feeling safe enough here to open up a bit more.  it takes courage.  sending a warm, caring hug to both you and little you.

i've found acceptance to be freeing.  i don't do it all the time, but it comes on more often than in the past.  i think it's a good thing.  just accepting myself and my world as we are.  tough at times, cuz i don't always like it, but battling either uses up energy and brings on stress - two things that don't do me any good.

so, practice, practice, practice.  and forward . . .    big hug, dec. rocket.

very sorry about your friend's abrupt departure.  that kind of thing can be difficult, especially with no closure, no explanation.  best to you with this.

i am glad you're doing some of your drawing, tho.  very cool.  creative outlet can be healing.  big hug to you.

i don't doubt your mind is filled with thoughts about your sister, so it would make sense that doing everyday chores could be challenging.  hard to be mindful of what you're doing in the 'now' when your mind is battling somewhere else. 

still standing with you as you make these decisions.  sending warm and supportive hugs.

best to you, sceal.  hopefully, no complications, just positive differences for you.  standing with you.  big hug.

i so hear you, mftb.  it's like you read what i just wrote, but you wrote this first.  so very tired of not fitting in.  big hug to you.

hey, sceal, i'm doing better.  just going thru the healing process.  the wound seems clean, i'm on antibiotics, and i'm a good healer, so i'm feeling pretty positive about that part right now.  it'll just take time.  ahhhh, patience is a virtue.

since i've never seen a trauma therapist before, have never been treated as someone who's been traumatized, i'm not quite sure what to expect.  she says she's looking for 'shifts' in me.  i've always been a more directive therapist, so this seems pretty directionless to me at the moment.  but, maybe this is a different way of doing trauma therapy.  i don't know yet.

yes, it would be pretty difficult for me to get another therapist.  not having transportation, i have to rely on a seniors rideshare thing, and they're awfully booked up - besides which, it has to be someone not only in this area, but also someone who takes medicare.   i'm not looking for someone different yet.

meanwhile, i've got my hub pushing on me a little to help him get across the border, and my d is pulling away a bit because, while it's been her dream to move to this part of the country, things haven't gone the way she envisioned them, including her mother being here and needing her help.  so, a couple of awkward dynamics going on for me.

i'm just getting very tired of not feeling like i fit anywhere, and i've no place left to run.   i'm too old for this crapola.

i agree with you, integrity, it is heartbreaking.  i can totally relate to having a little me who doesn't know herself.  that's not crazy.  like 3roses said, it's where our pain has been kept, and we're in the process of healing what was hurt.

i am an emdr therapist, and it's very common for these kinds of things to come up between sessions.  journaling can help, as well as the support from here.  may i suggest that you bring your journal along to your next session so that you can discuss it with your therapist?  hopefully, s/he can be of even more help to you.

you're not crazy, what you wrote isn't crazy.  it's just stuff coming up that's had to be buried in order to survive.   wishing you the best with this, and sending a warm, comforting hug to you.   i'm very glad you're here.

hey, sceal,

when you're in therapy, it's not necessarily your job to notice or see everything about yourself and your issues.  that's what the therapist is for.  if we knew all the answers, if we could see everything we needed to see for ourselves, we wouldn't need the help we can get from a therapist.

it's ok for you not to know it all.  it doesn't mean you're lazy or not working hard enough.  this stuff is confusing, and we need help with it.  i'm a therapist, but i can't see it all for myself.  that's why i'm in therapy, too.

sending you a warm, loving hug, sceal.  you're ok and you're doing ok.  no shame or blame in not being perfect.  the people here helped me see that for myself.

yeah, dr, it is overwhelming to realize that your parents weren't there for you.  when i first learned about trauma and prolonged abuse, i only looked at my adulthood - there was plenty there, and i thought it's where the c-ptsd started.  it wasn't until i was well into looking at the c-ptsd beast that i realized it totally began in my foo.

family values?  i pretty much created my own when i became a mom.   i was taught very little about how to go out into the world and manage.  'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' was almost a mantra in our house growing up.  emotional neglect?  sounds like it to me.

much support to you as you go through these realizations.  and a big hug.

i'll chime in here because i can totally relate to this.  it sucks.   big hug.

hey, spinozaspinoza,

i can relate to what you're saying about not having 'overt' abuse, yet still having difficulty managing emotions and thinking 'it's all me'.   the beast i call c-ptsd has a way of making us believe we're to blame, we brought it on ourselves, or we're making it up. 

i'm glad you're here, and i hope you find help and support for what you're going thru.  this forum has been a great resource for me.   welcome.   

is couples counseling an option?  maybe the two of you could get at some of the root causes of this stuff.  those kinds of blowups would shred my nerves, too.