Messages

very happy for you, mike.  i've felt it myself - it really is indescribable.  hope it stays with you.  big hug.

crying.  it has been our nemesis and our savior and a lot of us are still trying to find a balance with it.  i know i am. 

i was shut down from crying by harsh criticism and mockery.  there were many years, situations, and circumstances for which i didn't cry.  the first time i went into therapy half a lifetime ago was when my crying began again.  then, however, it just kept leaking out generically at anything emotional.  i couldn't stop myself and it continued to get worse and more often.

lately, i've been able to find some focus for it, and have cried heartily on several occasions in the past weeks.  these tears have been different, as if they've had a purpose.  i believe they have been cathartic and cleansing, even tho difficult and exhausting.  still, i'm glad for this new direction - it's seeming to bring resolution to some very old issues.

i think your time will come, a.a., when you'll be able to cry again, and it will be more appropriate, more directed, and with understanding.   i'm really happy for you that you had that great cry.  i don't doubt more will come.  good for you for letting it happen.  these tears of ours are full of toxins.  also hope you're out of that nasty ef.  those are not fun.

warm, loving hug for you, my dear.  it's too bad we can't all have a good cry together.

fingers crossed and prayers flying, el, for those transcripts. 

best to you with what might happen with your ex.  i'm hoping for the least pain and distress for you.  tough decisions to make.

earth mother spirit embracing you to calm and soothe you as you go thru such emotional waiting games.   big hug filled with warmth and love, sweetie.

glad you're back.  i miss you, too. 

i agree with you about each person being his/her/their own country.  we all have personal perspectives and worldviews, perceptions of and reactions to stimuli that is unique within ourselves.  i think that's why respect, which seems to be becoming a lost art, is so very important.  like respecting someone else's home when you go to visit, it's also important to respect that we are each our own little nation.

feeling frustrated today - had a spat w/ hub about a former friend, one i've eliminated.  i just want to remember that this is one of the reasons why i don't want to live with him anymore, and why i don't want to be in any kind of relationship with her anymore.  good reminders, but wish i didn't have to go thru it anymore.

i did write him about it, so that helped.  he's one of the people who just don't get it.  he can be very supportive, we speak every week, but stuff like this has always ended up in frustration for me.  i've had these few days of feeling peaceful, which i really liked, then i get disturbed by this old crapola, which i really don't like.

i guess i'll just have to let it run its course.  maybe i'll get some anger, sadness, other emotions up about this later today when i feel stronger.  i hate the feeling of making progress, then getting shoved back where i don't want to be again.  ugh.

also glad you're being careful for yourself.  we'll be here whenever you decide it's ok to return.  your own pace, your own space.   

i hope your meal was thoroughly enjoyable and fed your spirit as well as your body.

maybe it's time for a different tack, berceuse.  maybe it's time to stop fighting so  hard, to take a break or try something different.  i like how 3roses has said she will often picture her ICr with groucho marx mustache, big nose and glasses, and start laughing at it. 

i think the ICr is just another bully, and bullies are deflated when not taken seriously.  they use fear as a means to feel good about themselves, to build themselves up and feel stronger, cuz their reality is that they are so very afraid at their core, and feel very weak.

or, maybe, and this just popped into my head, you can thank your ICr for their opinion, tell them you'll take it under consideration, and then go about your day.  unorthodox, perhaps, but just another angle.  i've often said 'thank you' to people when they've said something hurtful to me.  it completely deflated them - they had no more of anything to say to me and walked away. 

just some ideas.  personally, i'm glad you talk about you.  it's been interesting getting to know you.  you are becoming more real to me, and i like that.  big hug filled with warmth and love.

lovely, kat.

methinks i agree with you, ah.  it came from a place of self-knowledge, sureness, and strength, now that i think of it.  a lot of that has been missing from my life because i had really no sense of self.  i guess i'm finding it at last.  still feels good.

dear blackaltis, i'm so sorry for your pain.  it sounds like you're in a pit right now.  i think, possibly, could it be related to the conversation with your dad?  could you be in the midst of an ef at the moment?

if so, that would be good cause for distorted thinking, shadowed reasoning, not being able to see that you have a plan in case abuse goes along with the money.  you mentioned that you're an adult, and you can take out a loan if you have to. ( that's how i went back to school, so i know it's do-able).  that's a show of personal strength right there.

but if we fall into an ef, it's hard to remember those positives we believed about ourselves just the day before.  hang tough, blackaltis.  you're not alone.  you've got help to get you thru this.   sending you a hug filled with clarity and love.

el, i believe you are correct.   she missed too many direct statements i made, never formulated a treatment plan cuz she never asked questions to find out about me, my issues, my history - nothing of that.  like i said, directionless.  i finally told her she's never been curious enough to ask about me, get to know me.  she said she was curious, and i shot back - but not curious enough to ask.

i felt like i was leading, directing which way the therapy should go.  she told me she thought her job was to give me validation and support.  well, i get that here - what i needed from her was therapy.  she just seemed clueless to me, altho her description said she worked with ptsd and trauma.  i didn't see it one bit.  so, thanks for the affirmation, el. 

blueberry, loved those hugs.  thanks a bunch.

ah, it was kind of tough cuz she's a very nice person.  and, yeah, being a therapist myself, i know what i'd be doing in a session with a client, and i was looking for someone to do that for me.  her approach was completely opposite mine.  and thank you for those kind words.  that's very special for me. 

still feeling peaceful, tho.  this is different, but i'm still liking it.  like some of the intrinsic anxiety has been chipped away.  weird, actually, now that i think about it.  i'll take it, tho.

not gonna happen, d.r.  we're in this together. 

struggling with this emotional side has been a challenge.  i love that you can be curious about it.  draw to your strengths.

i didn't understand most of the emotional side of being human, either, especially about people being afraid.  when i first felt and acknowledged it in myself here, i was very messy about it, worried, too, that this 'flaw' (as i saw it) would cause me to be disconnected from others.  instead, the warmth and acceptance was always there, welcoming me closer, encouraging me to be with my emotional reality.

the people here kept it up, kept accepting and encouraging me, and it became easier and easier to explore this unfamiliar emotional realm.  i don't have it all together emotionally by a long shot, but they are breaking thru bit by bit, step by step.  it can be painful, scary, frustrating, and overwhelming at times, but, as i've said before, i'm feeling more whole as a person than ever.

you've been grounded in facts and logic through this - i used to float thru life, rarely touching ground.  that's exactly how it felt to me, floaty.  i'm feeling less of that these days, more grounded.  it's different, but good.  i'm feeling more peaceful, which is also new.  but, i like it.

so, if warmth terrifies you, would you like a break from sending you warm, loving hugs?  how about a safe cyber hug   .  better?  i can do that.  i don't want you to feel overwhelmed if how i respond is too much for you.  slowly, step by step.  if you ever get ready for more, let me know.   i'm here for you (unless i get too overwhelmed by something in my own life, then i'm not here for anybody). 

i really think you're doing good, d.r.  this is tough stuff.

hey, esmeralda, just wanted to let you know that i fired my therapist the other day.  realized she was clueless, wasn't asking questions to find out about me and my issues, and that i was having to continually teach her about what direction i needed to go in, what i was needing from here - in essence, i was directing the therapy instead of the other way around.

so, done with that.  i'm looking into some alternative healing methods now.  i'm peaceful with my decision, which gives me a signal that i did the right thing.  i hope you have better luck than i did.  if not, it's ok to let your t go, find someone or something different to help you with this.

big hug to you.  i'd love to know how yours works out, if you care to share.  sending strength and stabilization to you in that hug.

welcome, jazzy, very glad you found us.

this forum has been very helpful to me re: recovery and healing, sometimes more so than professionals.  i've had similar experiences to yours, and it does get disheartening. 

hang tough, jazzy - we're hangin' right beside you.

yippee and yahoo for you, berceuse!!!   

how horrible, blueberry.  o, the damage t's have wrought.  i just don't get it.