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I have completed the book - I'm glad I read it.  It was validating at many levels, but it also brought up some strong feelings and some queries too.  I wish I could articulate my thoughts - but I feel over-whelmed to know where to start in terms of encapsulating what I thought of the book - I'm glad to have read it - I think the researcher tried her best to research the subject in a professional and sensitive manner.  I related to many things that were said by the people who participated in her research.  But I also sense that for me personally, I relate more to the 'complex PTSD' umbrella of experience - I know I saw some things that were traumatic - whilst I was a young child - and I've not 'remembered' those things clearly - my sister substantiated that for me - as she mentioned things that happened to her - and told me I was in ear-shot and quite often was around to 'see' what was happening - that's in addition to my own issues and experiences.  Hence I do wonder about repressed memories and whether these will surface at a later date.

Anyway, I'm not sure what else to say for now, except that I do think the book is one worth reading.  So thank you, Andy for recommending it.

Hope 

Hi SanMagic, Andyman & Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for all those lovely hugs, and good wishes, and  to all of you.   

Journal entry for 6th January 2018 (Might be some Triggers in my entry today - mentioning 'teasing' as a child, with relationship to CSA) **

I've had a mixed few days - in terms of some nice things happening, and also some more challenging feelings - probably related to reading a book - and it bringing up more feelings to the foreground - but I'm really glad I read it - however, I noticed that it's almost like different 'presentations of myself' 'come out' at different times - not sure if this makes sense, but at certain points when reading the book, I felt like a small child, and at others, as if I was an 'academic' - so I suspect that I was either 'intellectualising' at certain points, as if I'm an 'impartial observer' - and then at others 'feeling my feelings as a smaller child' - other things I've noticed were that I was reluctant to 'bear any touch' - especially around 'feet' - which is understandable in terms of some of the invasive things I felt as a child - relating to people teasing me with their feet - I still find it difficult to be around a bare foot!

However, I am feeling 'stronger' for having read the book - it was about Child Sexual Abuse and was by Dr Susan Clancy - however, I also found certain parts confusing too - infact I want to talk more about it, but somehow feel 'overwhelmed' regarding 'where to start' in terms of talking about it.  Hence, I've not written more in the "Books" section yet - but I do remember that just reading that one of the participants of the study hadn't talked about their CSA for decades, and just reading that in my mind brought me to sobbing uncontrollably - so it evoked something incredibly powerful in me.

Actually, Andy's comment about there being dysfunction in his family since the 1880's - that resonated with me too - as I have looked into my family history and there is dysfunction in so many ways in my family history, and it does help me to understand a little why things have turned out as they are currently - several generations of the family have been 'estranged' - it is a powerful legacy.  I just wish people could have communicated through the ages, it would have helped so much!

Not sure what else to say just now, but glad to have written again in my Journal - and I am hoping to do more 'processing' of things - as I see that as a way forward for me at the moment.

Hope 

Hi - I have just started reading "The Trauma Myth: The Truth About the Sexual Abuse of Children and its Aftermath" which I heard about following one of Andy's posts - thank you Andy.

Just wanted to say that I've only read a small part, and I was in tears when I read this sentence: "After more than three decades of silence, Frank was ready to talk" (referring to a person who was sexually abused as a child, and had plucked up the courage to participate in Dr Clancy's research on CSA - just that sentence - mentioning the 3 decades of 'silence' - it made me cry and shudder from the inside out - it reminded me of something that Levine had written in his book about 'waking the Tiger' - where the body can really react - it felt like a primal reaction in myself.  It was powerful.

The other thing I realised was that a huge part of me was 'afraid' to read this book - I've avoided books on CSA for much of my life - and then started to read many books - about Complex PTSD and also CSA - and I was reminding myself that my Big Mama Bear was there if I felt afraid - Wife2 helped me find Big Mama Bear - she is helpful to me. 

However, I've stopped reading now, because I need to protect myself and read at a pace that feels ok. 

I hope this is the right place to put this post - but if you'd rather it was in the Sexual Abuse section, please do move it - if you want to. 

I just wanted to start this thread here so I could put any comments about the book and any issues that come as I read it - and I hope that others will feel ok to contribute and reply as they want to - I value replies, and am interested to hear people's thoughts.

Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
Hope you're ok after that phone call - you did well to medium chill your way through it - you coped.  Well done for handling it.
I hope it doesn't spoil your enjoyment of your intended time away.
Take care,
Hope 

Wishing you an enjoyable time.   
Hope 

Take care, Decimal Rocket -  to you. 
Hope 

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for the lovely hug and warm wishes - and I really appreciate the fact that you said that my goals make sense - and I'll hold onto the thought of nurturing my 'sense of self' into the New Year.  Here's to continued 'self sense' - that is meaningful and positive.   

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for your lovely comment - it means a lot - and I appreciate it.   

Hi Blueberry - thank you!  You've also validated my goals for the future in what you said, and that means a lot - thank you!  You're right, it is such a challenging process to go NC or VLC with FOO - and it would be unlikely for anyone to do that 'lightly' - we do it as a result of a range of factors and after a lot of thought.   

Hi Sceal - I really appreciate that lovely New Year's Day hug - thank you!    to you too, and thank you for popping by.

Journal entry for 1st January 2018
The New Year is here - and I am hopeful that it will bring some positive things.  I assume it will continue to bring some challenges and twists and turns, but I hope I have the strength and fortitude to navigate them, and that any choices to be made will be my own - i.e. I am capable of choosing how I react or how I respond to whatever occurs.  Most of all, I know I can come here - and find support, from people who truely understand. 

Wishing everyone a year that will be better, and whatever happens, that we'll cope with whatever comes our way.

Hope 

Hi LTLTR,

Thank you so much for your reply - I found it really helpful to hear what you said, and especially about the issues of 'consent' - thank you.

Hope 

Another entry for 30th December 2017 (Part 2)

I feel very restless at the moment.  Like I don't know what to do with myself.  I've been writing in some people's Journals, and then I realise that my Inner Critic starts on me, saying 'What did you say?' 'Why did you say that?' - and I feel awkward about it, but I am glad I went and wrote those things, because I can, and I want to.

I've also been feeling uncomfortable for the fact I wrote about my niece, because basically I've never met her - not even once in my whole life - I didn't even know she existed till my sister told me (when I re-connected with my sister) - and my sister hasn't seen her niece for a few years now.  But my FOO (parents) have made contact with their Grand-daughter, and they apparently see her sometimes.  My niece contacted me a couple of times, but she's hardly said anything to me - quite bizarre how communication happens (or rather doesn't happen) in my FOO.

Basically each of them doesn't communicate properly with anyone - that is how it seems to me.  It is really weird.  Like some kind of dysfunctional web - very dark and difficult to work out.

I wonder if maybe she (my neice) will have a better relationship with my parents, than I did as their daughter.  She's a grown woman, so she should be able to hopefully cope and make her own decisions, but I think she is potentially a vulnerable person at the same time.  But of course I don't know.  I've never met her.

I've always idealised the idea of getting a card from my sister - to the extent of looking at cards in shop windows over the years - the ones with 'sister' on them, and wondering what it would be like to get a card from her, or to send one to her.  But the reality is - I can't establish a relationship with her, and now she's sent me a Christmas card, and I feel 'guilty' 'or bad' about that - because I've not sent one to her.  But honestly, I tried to establish a relationship with her, it is too difficult - I think I'd lose my sanity if I continued to try to communicate with her.

I think I need to focus myself - on what I would like 2018 to be like - and see if I can achieve some things that are meaningful and that will help me to move forward and get out of some of the more 'sticky' aspects - I don't think this is making much sense - as I write it.  But it's good to write something.

Hope 

Hi Dee,
Thanks for mentioning about your Inner supporter - that's a good thing to consider - I will think about that.

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Yes, my inner critic weakened - still makes an appearance most days - and interesting that whenever I write a bit more in the forum, it tends to pop out and give me some grief, but I'm trying to ignore it.   



Hope 

Hi Wife2,
Glad to hear that you had a nice time at Christmas - and just wanted to send you a hug  - and also say thanks for the Mama Bear (Kodiack) that you brought into my life - she is amazing.

Wishing you all the best for 2018, and wishing you lots of positive things.

Hope 

  to you 3 Roses.  Hope you have some positive things ahead in 2018. 
Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
I often turn to food as a source of 'comfort' and I know that it's probably better to see what is behind the urge to eat - but like you said, it can often be hard to do that, and eating is the result.  I've eaten too much this Christmas. 

I hope you've had a good day - that you're ok - and I want to thank you for all your support and help to me over 2017 - and I want to wish you the best for 2018.    to you Blueberry.

Hope 

Hi Andy,
Wishing you all the best for the remainder of 2017, and wishing you lots of good things for 2018 - those plates you've been carrying have been heavy, and like you said, some are larger than others - and like SanMagic said - it will potentially be de-stabilising as you adjust to whatever happens when you put down/toss/break some of them.  But like Ah said, we can help you - because we're here in this forum, and you can come and share the load with us - maybe you can paint a couple of plates in different colours - and have a fresh perspective.

Most of all, I hope you have some chance to relax - if that helps - and sending you a hug  - hope you are ok.

Wishing you the best for 2018. 

Hope 

Hi Sceal,
Really sorry to hear you've had those horrible nightmares - I hope you get some peace from those tonight - and that you're doing ok.  Just wanted to give you a hug, if that's ok  and wish you the best for 2018. 
Hope