Confused about where to get help and what help do I need?

[KerbieSmart]

Hi,
I am almost 49 years old. I have been in and out of major bouts of depression and anxiety and have tried many different medications - some seem to work for a while then an irruption of the irrational occurs. I am starting to understand the triggers: financial insecurity as I am living on a fixed government pension that doesn't cover basic living expenses. I have been doing some consulting work to help this. Just recently all of my consulting work has dried up and I find myself back at seemingly square one.
I have worked through dependent relationships, sex for the sake of existing in the eyes of someone else, a highly ritualized cocaine addiction that seemed to "reset" my pain tolerance. The last medication  mix was Effexor XR and Seroquel XR, with clonazopam (3 mg / day). I was a zombie and I experienced a horrible trigger at a job and spent the next five years in a zombie state. I am currently being followed by a psychiatrist. However, despite being a specialist in treating anxiety disorders, I don't think he is able to "hear" what I am really going through. My single passion is my research; I was in my fourth year of a Ph.D. when I had to stop from sheer exhaustion (finding funding and money to live, doing the contracts and being involved on numerous committees to improve my chances of getting hired). Now I am faced with a reality of not being able to find work (too old, too educated, too long away from the work force).

My complex PTSD started at the age of 2. I was terrorized into not crying. It continued with neglect, physical, sexual and psychological abuse with a borderline mother living through the trauma of losing her first born, and a psychopathic father who has limited emotional capacities. My world was dominated by double binds both at home and at school. The "rules" seemed to change every day and I never fully grasped what I was being punished for.

I do not see a future for myself. I also realize that I have no identity of my own. I have a passion that will not lead to a career but will be extremely taxing - if I go the route of academia. At the core of me I have always known that I am a good person who lives in a world that is not meant for the likes of me. This is a double edged sword. It essentially translates into a Jesus complex (save the world), which has propelled me to be very active in supporting the rights of gays and women. It is also the compelling voice urging me to end my life - as I can no longer bear more bouts with this crippling pain, or contribute to this world in a way where I can make a decent life for myself.
I live in Montreal. Despite my efforts to find adequate help - I seem to keep hitting a blank wall. Most therapists handle PTSD - but this is clearly not my case and simply applied CBT or DBT is of little use. My research and reading, my passion, lies in the domain of understanding how meaning is generated - and this also acts as a damocles sword. I keep finding myself in double binds - it is like a leitmotif of my life that I can't seem to escape.
I am open to all and any suggestions. Please help. Thank you!

[arpy1]

KerbieSmart, i want to welcome you and to say i was very moved by your post.  not just because i can relate to the pain of life that you share  but also because of the difficulties you have experienced trying to get the right help.  the situation is so similar here in UK. 

i want to say that we are here because we are all in pretty similar boats, really, though our stories differ a lot.  and the support and care and comfort that we share is so important in our lives. for me, it makes my often unbearable life more bearable.

please make use of all that there is here, there are a lot of resources, books that help, others' experiences and strategies - well, all sorts of stuff. feel free to trawl the site for whatever might help you, ask questions, post as and when... 

we all seem to make use of Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving.  he is helpful because he is a sufferer too and shares very useful stuff.  definitely recommend it.

anyway, i hope you will feel you can find people here who get it and that it will help you to have a bit more hope.  much support to you 

[samantha19]

That sounds really hard. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that.

I really relate to the part about feeling like this world isn't for you. I, too, am stuck between wanting to stick around and save the world and not wanted to be here much at all.

I guess we need to find reason to be alive, for ourselves, by finding some satisfaction and enjoyment in life again.

I also recommend the book mentioned by arpy1. It shocked me so much at how perfectly it described the things I was dealing with. I've never felt so understood, with all my mental health problems.

It seems quite common to not feel like you have an identity when you have experienced abuse. But you do, you seem compassionate and thoughtful. Not to mention smart and passionate about something (research). That's definitely something.

The societies we live in are really tough. I hope you find some help with securing a more satisfying life and you find a decent job.

As for your experiences with therapy, I don't have experience to call on, but I've seen people talk on here about changing core beliefs before changing thought processes being something that can help.

I hope you find some healing and support here, and you can experience brighter, more peaceful days 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Kerbie smart
Thank you for posting - you've said a lot that is similar to my experience. I am 42 and have just gone through another 'awful' period of mental ill health - depression ? Anxiety ? Or just sheer cptsd at its worse -- this has been an on going issue through my life this time was somewhat comparible to my early 20s when I went through the worse episode -- I have become increasingly dependent on anti depressants - the past 2 times I have come off them I have crashed and went back on - I don't want to take them re side effects and that separation they give with the intimacy of life --
Quote 'irruption of the irrational occurs' it's understandable though re financial insecurity - I just went through such massive fear when I was signed off work sick - my mind took me to homelessness and desperation - maybe it triggers more for us - primal not being safe in the world and the material in security reminds us of not having 'a place'.. Addiction has been such a problem for me also and i just relapsed on eating disorder with this recent difficult period .. I am now back on track but the period before relapse was the first time since being very small where I was experiencing life without fixing on ANYTHING - initially as fine and then the mental state I was in and what I was experiencing was awful-
I have found such a solace and strength in spirituality - I work 12 step programme and have a rich spiritual life which supports me. It was in fact this that helped me through this last bad bout..
I've learnt that what is inside me spiritually has more depth and weight than most of what my mind tells me ...
I get that feeling hopeless and wanting to give up and the mind saying 'end it' and it's no place to be... There is hope for all of us and as I write this it re enforces for me too - that giving up is not an option but finding solutions is -- hopelessness feeds on itself I find the thoughts just feed on this and create only dead ends - this is not the truth and not helpful by any stretch of the imagination -- and so I have found simple techniques to help - classic thought stopping and thought swopping ....
I just went through a period of not seeing any way forward and this is part of low mood as we know --
I am not in therapy at the moment but I would like to access again --
Spirituality in whatever form it takes is to overcome the mind and this is what has helped me the most I would say --
I do struggle being part of the world and liking people can be an issue -
Finding meaning in the small things helps me and I write a gratitude list each evening - sometimes it has what seem basic things
I am grateful for enough food today - a warm bed - less negative thoughts - a walk but it does help me put into perspective what I do have because let's face it many don't ...
When I'm distressed my life is bad when I'm more balanced my life is privileged -- which is it ? My expectations of what 'I should be ' what I should have ' can make me really unhappy - and comparing myself to others seemingly better off in what ever respect that is --
The Bare fact is that I have issues and they are on going -- it's sad but it is the truth - I wish I was ' normal' and people are a big prob for me -- but I can't give up - I know I can make more progress as we all can -
Learning to have compassion for myself in spite of my difficulties I feel is central to my experience in this life